to think BIL & SIL are CFs and refuse to host them?

[CaptainObviousTwo]

My DP is quite shy and reserved. Before we got together he lived (by choice) a quite frugal, simple life - clothes second hand, no expensive hobbies, low paid but low-stress job, never went abroad and just pottered along happily doing his thing.

We met just under 2 years ago. I also don't have any interest in fancy things but my career took me abroad a lot and I earned a fair amount of money, last year I started my own business (in the UAE) and we decided that I'd buy a house in Dubai, he'd leave his job and we'd move over there.

It wasn't until the bitching started that I realised that DPs brothers seemed to find his stability and "little village" lifestyle a means of feeling better about their lives. Both are very money-orientated, keen to buy the latest gadgets and drive fancy cars. Both are up to their eyeballs in debt but live a life of Riley and looked down upon DPs comparatively simple life.

The house in Dubai is lovely, 6 bedrooms which is far more than we need but it was a good investment and it gives us lots of room to host.

Almost everyone has been really supportive but there's been a lot of nasty comments from BIL and SIL, lots of intrusive questions about where my money has come from and lots of little jabs at DP about how he's a "housewife" and "whipped" and a "sponger" who doesn't work (not even true, he works PT for my business now). Sadly a lot of these comments have been behind our backs, or too subtle to call them on out, else I'd have addressed it directly.

Anyway, the long and the short of it is that BIL/SIL have been really judgemental and unsupportive about the whole thing.

HOWEVER, despite the fact that they clearly despise us, they have merrily announced that they're coming to visit. This would mean hosting them and their FOUR children at our house, for 2 weeks, and I have a very strong suspicion that they expect us to pay for all the food, likely a lot of the outings and just generally a lot of their expenses.

It's obvious that they see us as an opportunity for a cheap holiday.

AIBU to tell them we'd be thrilled to see them, and then send them a list of local hotels?

DP is worried because we've had a fair few houseguests (including other family) since we moved here a few months ago and that it'll be hugely offensive to turn them away as we clearly have the space. Plus he loves his nieces and nephews, so doesn't want to penalise them.

Yuck. I think you either have to say a flat no upfront or you have to go with this graciously and see how you get on.

Definitely be firm with dates and remind them you're working. And that it will be self catering.

We live in a nowhere as near glamorous holiday place and went through this ourselves. I had to put my foot right down on offering free holidays to people we weren't that fond of.

This is a very small snapshot of a life long sibling relationship. The dp has to deal with family fallout possibly long after he is not with the OP (not married, too soon for marriage, will hopefully work but it's not guaranteed) and I do think the OP needs to take her lead from the partner as to how to handle this.
Having more than one sibling in another country, I always thought visits were the friendly (dutiful, even) thing to do - didn't realise it was a sign of cuntyfuckery!

will let you know what the dates are when they're booked at work

This actually sound like my batshit MIL who just lets us know she's coming. She's had a surprise last time though, because we told her no.

Re your situation: I'd actually be tempted to ask them why they want to visit, taking into account x y z situations and x y z things they've said about you.

I wouldn't have them. Or not for 2 week, at least.

Tell them you've had the house remodelled as it's also your main workplace now & you only have 2 guest rooms. Offer to have 1 parent & 2 of their DC at a time & the other parent can bring the other 2 the following year. Be firm that 4 children at a time (your other guests have only had 2 each )isn't workable. You're running a business & won't be "on holiday" like them & your day to day business routine can't be put on hold.

My take on this is that they have been rude to you and your DP in the past and still think it's acceptable to invite themselves and their children to stay in your house, under your roof (and it really doesn't matter if it is for a day or 14 days).

My response would be "BiL & SiL - It is not possible for us to host you if you're planning on coming to UAE. I can recommend X or Y hotel to you and we can certainly meet up for dinner on one of the evenings you're over here. It just isn't possible for us to host you".

You do not need to qualify that response with a follow up statement but if you do feel the need (or if they push you for a reason based on the precedent you've had others to stay) you could say "Oh yes, but we're not running a guest house, so we do get the option of deciding who we want staying with us".

Are you not even a bit worried about co-habiting in UAE? One phone call from anyone who felt so inclined would end with you (possibly him but definitely YOU) locked up for who knows how long. Quite a risk you're taking there OP.

I thought that too.

Re: CFs... I'd wait until they'd booked the time off work (and maybe even flights) before emailing back to say those dates were completely no good as you and DP would already have visitors on those dates. Or work related issues on those dates.

Invite them to stay next July / August and let them enjoy the heat!

Surely that’s the only time they can come for two weeks with school age children?

Are you not even a bit worried about co-habiting in UAE? One phone call from anyone who felt so inclined would end with you (possibly him but definitely YOU) locked up for who knows how long. Quite a risk you're taking there OP.

This.

This is exactly why I wouldn't let these CFs visit and stay at your house. No way would I take the risk of them reporting me just because they're pissed off you didn't pay for their dinner or their Wild Wadi visit. You're taking a risk already OP, I wouldn't take another with these people you don't know well and trust. Expat friends who live in Dubai say that the unmarried couples who get jailed and deported for illegal living together are usually ones who are reported for something else and then it comes out that they're illegally living together. One couple's maid reported a theft and the couple who employed ended up being deported for living together illegally. Must admit it put me off moving to Dubai (I was offered a job there and turned it down).

@CaptainObviousTwo, totally beside the point, however, you do know it is illegal to live together in the UAE if you are not married ? punishable by a prison sentence and deportation. Be careful.

They are so fucking rude, slagging off your choices and lifestyle and then wanting to piggyback and sponge off you.
I’d respond with -
“Great to hear out are coming out to Dubai, DP and I are increasingly busy with the business, but we can definitely give you a steer on places to stay and things to do, and hope to catch up with you and the children in our free time.”
If they come back with expecting to stay, feign surprise and say you are sorry but you no longer have the bedrooms since getting up to speed with the business and you can’t afford the disruption. You’ve had a lot of visitors and it’s been lovely but you are not on holiday.

I understand your DP’s reluctance to fall out, but I couldn’t bring myself to lie completely flat in the face of their cheeky fuckery. You are NOT married, you’ve not been together forever, they’ve been belittling and critical, - so how dare they now want to cash in on their whipping boy’s change in fortune by trespassing on his girlfriend/ keeper’s goodwill, time and money.

As I said before, we've got the cohabiting thing covered.
The long and short of it is that we're legally married in the UAE but not in the UK.
I don't really want to go into loads of detail cause its not relevant but I'm not about to be arrested

Dear BIL & SIL

Regarding your recent message inviting yourselves to stay, unfortunately that will not be convenient for us at this time - or ever Please don't book annual leave or flights before confirming with us unless you are planning to stay in a hotel - in which case we would love to host you for supper one evening if we are available. We have done a lot of hosting recently & now need to focus on work so we won't be hosting any more guests for X months at least and thereafter will be limiting visits to a week or less. As you can imagine lots of our friends & family would like to take the opportunity to use us as a holiday base & we have to have a balance between hosting & working. We know you wouldn't treat us like a cheap hotel but you'd be surprised how cheeky some people are etc etc

• maybe miss the last bit

Glad you have the marriage sorted.

As they have school aged kids, they will be limited to school holidays, conveniently have friends withkids visiting at the same time.

As I said before, we've got the cohabiting thing covered.
The long and short of it is that we're legally married in the UAE but not in the UK.
I don't really want to go into loads of detail cause its not relevant but I'm not about to be arrested

Phew! That’s a fortuitous arrangement.

Phew! That’s a fortuitous arrangement

It was the biggest ballache of all ballaches.
We needed to be married to live here, but we aren't ready to get married.
Neither of us wanted to be tied in with the legal side of a UK marriage either.
I found a solution which means that we fulfill the legal marriage requirements here, but not in the UK.
We don't ever talk about it and never refer to ourselves as being married (because we aren't, not by UK standards) because when we actually get married, we'd like to still have the shine/novelty.

I'd let your husband decide as it is his family and he works part time so can entertain them more. If the trip doesn't work out then you can discuss whether you can do it again. I'd use their actual behaviour as a reason to not invite going forward rather than hearsay.

Does that mean that if you split, he has a claim to your property in Dubai?

MumsNet is far too ready to make up pathetic excuses rather than deal with the situation. Excuses may just kick the can a little further down the road. Nor is there any point in calling out their toxicity since it is mostly hearsay. A simple "Unfortunately we will not be able to host you for the foreseeable future" or some such will do.

sorry but its a long thread if I have missed something but do your BIL and SIL know that your know that they have been rude and hurtful ? Or are the ignorant of the fact their nastiness has got back to you ?

Does that mean that if you split, he has a claim to your property in Dubai?
Stop derailing the thread. The OP has given all the details you need, go watch a soap opera to get your drama fix!

OP the thing is, you can have all the excuses in the world... this time. What about the next time? And the next time after that? I don’t think these are the type of people to get the hint and, after all the shitty things they have said, are blatantly just using you for a cheap holiday.

Ok, if you call them out your DP might have repercussions but HE really needs to work out what he want. Having these vile, poisonous people in his life (who affected his mental health quite a lot by the sound of it) and stringing them along with a non existent invite of “next time”. Or having it out with them, possibly cutting ties and meaning he won’t see his nieces / nephews / relatives again (the older ones could have their own relationship with him without BIL/SIL at this point).