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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think BIL & SIL are CFs and refuse to host them?

474 replies

CaptainObviousTwo · 08/09/2019 12:47

My DP is quite shy and reserved. Before we got together he lived (by choice) a quite frugal, simple life - clothes second hand, no expensive hobbies, low paid but low-stress job, never went abroad and just pottered along happily doing his thing.

We met just under 2 years ago. I also don't have any interest in fancy things but my career took me abroad a lot and I earned a fair amount of money, last year I started my own business (in the UAE) and we decided that I'd buy a house in Dubai, he'd leave his job and we'd move over there.

It wasn't until the bitching started that I realised that DPs brothers seemed to find his stability and "little village" lifestyle a means of feeling better about their lives. Both are very money-orientated, keen to buy the latest gadgets and drive fancy cars. Both are up to their eyeballs in debt but live a life of Riley and looked down upon DPs comparatively simple life.

The house in Dubai is lovely, 6 bedrooms which is far more than we need but it was a good investment and it gives us lots of room to host.

Almost everyone has been really supportive but there's been a lot of nasty comments from BIL and SIL, lots of intrusive questions about where my money has come from and lots of little jabs at DP about how he's a "housewife" and "whipped" and a "sponger" who doesn't work (not even true, he works PT for my business now). Sadly a lot of these comments have been behind our backs, or too subtle to call them on out, else I'd have addressed it directly.

Anyway, the long and the short of it is that BIL/SIL have been really judgemental and unsupportive about the whole thing.

HOWEVER, despite the fact that they clearly despise us, they have merrily announced that they're coming to visit. This would mean hosting them and their FOUR children at our house, for 2 weeks, and I have a very strong suspicion that they expect us to pay for all the food, likely a lot of the outings and just generally a lot of their expenses.

It's obvious that they see us as an opportunity for a cheap holiday.

AIBU to tell them we'd be thrilled to see them, and then send them a list of local hotels?

DP is worried because we've had a fair few houseguests (including other family) since we moved here a few months ago and that it'll be hugely offensive to turn them away as we clearly have the space. Plus he loves his nieces and nephews, so doesn't want to penalise them.

OP posts:
colourlessgreenidea · 08/09/2019 17:18

Stop derailing the thread. The OP has given all the details you need, go watch a soap opera to get your drama fix!

Gotta love a self-appointed thread monitor. Grin

TheCatsACunt · 08/09/2019 17:20

Stop derailing the thread

Who made you moderator? I’ll ask what I like and the OP can choose to respond if she wishes. You don’t get to decide what direction a conversation takes.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 08/09/2019 17:23

No, it’s bot unreasonable not to host them when you did everyone else. They were rude and condescending about you two. I would text back saying you’re surprised they want to visit considering how much they detest you. I would not put them up, they brought it on themselves.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 08/09/2019 17:24

I hate to be a killjoy, but the snag with CalmdownJanet's idea of suggesting contributions is that people like this would probably come anyway, keep their hands in their pockets and use it to make more snide remarks about the DH: "Ooooo, can't you afford us even though she's keeping you?", "Isn't the business doing very well now you've joined?" and so on

Frankly it sounds as if DH needs to get a backbone, so I'd help him in this by arranging to work elsewhere and leaving him to host this particular visit alone. Somehow I doubt there'd be another one ...

Andylion · 08/09/2019 17:26

I think you should tell them you have visitor fatigue, as you have hosted so many already. You'll get back to them when you're receiving guests again, and then never do.

I think this is excellent advice. Instead of using the fact that you have hosted others as a reason you have to host the CFs, use "visitor fatigue" as a reason not to not them.

mankyfourthtoe · 08/09/2019 17:26

Can your house keeper start to cook either hot/spicy/dull/boring repeated meals for a week.
I like calm down Janet but also totoro which was a few before.
Ask them to check before confirming flights as you are both obviously working hard for your fledgling business. They need to be prepared for the cost of their lunches and meals out and please price up any outings and a hire car etc. We'll hopefully come out with you a few times.
Set them up that you are not funding this holiday, or running around after them. Get to any till first and pay for you two.

Isthisit22 · 08/09/2019 17:28

Although in a partnership I would usually say it's your DPs choice whether to host his family, this is totally different as it is really your house.
But more importantly, you work from the house. How on earth are you mesnt to run a business whilst (probably tending to the every whim of people who dislike you and will make as much trouble for you as possible? Plus there are 4 kids!!
Just say no. They dislike you already and are very far away. What's the worst that could happen?
The likelihood is that you'd fall out when they stayed with you anyway.

Andylion · 08/09/2019 17:30

Alternative, you say you give your housekeeper extra time whenever you have guests. Wait until the CFs hVe told your their dates and tell them that your housekeeper has already chosen those dates as her extra vacation so you couldn't possibly host.

I do think it really all comes down to you and your OH addressing their behaviour. If you do stay together, you want to deal with this shit sooner than later.

Tistheseason17 · 08/09/2019 17:30

I'm with you, OP.
I'd reply, "We are really busy for the next few months and cannot host at the moment"
And every time they asked I'd send the same response.

Rainonmyguitar · 08/09/2019 17:43

I must be really blunt because like fuck would they be walking all over me and I'd tell them exactly why

Yup, me too. It wouldn't cost me a thought to tell them that because of all the nasty things they have said, they will not be welcome.

gilliansgardenbench · 08/09/2019 17:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

middleeasternpromise · 08/09/2019 17:47

As your DP is managing the communication and is conflict avoidant why dont you get him to use his position as described by his family members when he responds to them. He can simply say well as you know its Captain's house and income and as its mainly been my family who have come and stayed I really dont want her family to see us as spongers. I am sure you wouldnt want that either. I work in Captain's business which is going well but we both work from home, I know you are very concerned about where the money is coming from so I can confirm if we have house guests it really affects how much we earn. Again I know from the comments from other family members that you have been really worried about me giving up my quiet life in the UK and taking the risk of following my partner to a new country. You are quite right to think like this and its made me realise I really dont want us to be seen to take advantage of Captain shes such a generous woman.

So what has been very helpful is when the other guests contributed financially and of course didnt stay longer than 5 days - if you have already booked your flights and hotel I can possibly see if we can offer you a few days at the end of your visit. Please be aware we are also travelling a bit this year so if you can let me know before booking anything I can tell you when we are away.

Original poster
CaptainObviousTwo · 08/09/2019 17:51

DP has replied

"Looking forward to seeing you. Do you need recommendations for hotels? The kids would love Atlantis. Captain and I will look at the diary and keep a couple of evenings free; you guys can come over for a BBQ if you have a spare night"

OP posts:
pantsville · 08/09/2019 17:52

I don’t think discussing the marriage thing is derailing. In fact it shines a light in the bigger picture - it actually doesn’t add up. You’re not ready for marriage however you’ve moved with the fella to a country where he now essentially owns you, your business and all your property. If this is genuine you need to get out of there ASAP. Sounds like the siblings see the situation for what it is.

mankyfourthtoe · 08/09/2019 17:53

Awesome reply!

BloggersBlog · 08/09/2019 17:53

Perfect reply!

mankyfourthtoe · 08/09/2019 17:53

Is he nervous now or beaming

LadyTmalia · 08/09/2019 17:53

If you replied to "will let you know what the dates are when they're booked at work" with - I'm really sorry, i'm busy that weak, the would know exactly where they stand :D

LadyTmalia · 08/09/2019 17:54

Oops, i took so long posting I ended up cross posting! Good response.

InvisibleWomenMustBeRead · 08/09/2019 17:55

Excellent reply! Well done to your DP.

(Although I do share @pantsville'a concerns, so hope you've got everything sorted airtight legally on that front too Op).

HundredMilesAnHour · 08/09/2019 17:56

Ha ha brilliant reply!! Can't wait to hear their response.

Original poster
CaptainObviousTwo · 08/09/2019 17:58

he now essentially owns you, your business and all your property

This isn't true. We are not Muslim, we do not have a Shariaáh marriage and our marriage is bound by the country it was issued in (Japan). The business is registered in my name, as is my house.
We also have an additional legal agreement drawn up by a solicitor and witnessed stating that neither of us has any rights to the other's assets.

But I'm really not comfortable in going into this, I've already talked way more about it than I would like.

OP posts:
MyShinyWhiteTeeth · 08/09/2019 17:58

Send them a message asking them they need to wait for an invitation as you are both very busy at the moment and won't be able to host until you have more definite free time. With so much on there is no way you could have that many people stay for a visit that long.

Invite the oldest children for a combined work/holiday.

InvisibleWomenMustBeRead · 08/09/2019 17:59

As long as you're covered Op - the UAE just makes me very nervous for women and the advantage that seemingly well meaning men can take of them there!

MyShinyWhiteTeeth · 08/09/2019 18:00

Not asking - telling them they need to wait for an invitation.