to think BIL & SIL are CFs and refuse to host them?

[CaptainObviousTwo]

My DP is quite shy and reserved. Before we got together he lived (by choice) a quite frugal, simple life - clothes second hand, no expensive hobbies, low paid but low-stress job, never went abroad and just pottered along happily doing his thing.

We met just under 2 years ago. I also don't have any interest in fancy things but my career took me abroad a lot and I earned a fair amount of money, last year I started my own business (in the UAE) and we decided that I'd buy a house in Dubai, he'd leave his job and we'd move over there.

It wasn't until the bitching started that I realised that DPs brothers seemed to find his stability and "little village" lifestyle a means of feeling better about their lives. Both are very money-orientated, keen to buy the latest gadgets and drive fancy cars. Both are up to their eyeballs in debt but live a life of Riley and looked down upon DPs comparatively simple life.

The house in Dubai is lovely, 6 bedrooms which is far more than we need but it was a good investment and it gives us lots of room to host.

Almost everyone has been really supportive but there's been a lot of nasty comments from BIL and SIL, lots of intrusive questions about where my money has come from and lots of little jabs at DP about how he's a "housewife" and "whipped" and a "sponger" who doesn't work (not even true, he works PT for my business now). Sadly a lot of these comments have been behind our backs, or too subtle to call them on out, else I'd have addressed it directly.

Anyway, the long and the short of it is that BIL/SIL have been really judgemental and unsupportive about the whole thing.

HOWEVER, despite the fact that they clearly despise us, they have merrily announced that they're coming to visit. This would mean hosting them and their FOUR children at our house, for 2 weeks, and I have a very strong suspicion that they expect us to pay for all the food, likely a lot of the outings and just generally a lot of their expenses.

It's obvious that they see us as an opportunity for a cheap holiday.

AIBU to tell them we'd be thrilled to see them, and then send them a list of local hotels?

DP is worried because we've had a fair few houseguests (including other family) since we moved here a few months ago and that it'll be hugely offensive to turn them away as we clearly have the space. Plus he loves his nieces and nephews, so doesn't want to penalise them.

Of course, if they come and it is a total nightmare with maximum drama, then at least you have an irrefutable reason to say no for the rest of your life together!

For your husband's sake, I would just host and pay for groceries.

Fob them off blatantly.

Text her back: please let me know which dates and I'll let you know if it's possible.

That's it. No pleasantries.

She will hopefully give you dates. When she does, don't respond for at least a week.

If she chases, just tell her 'I'll let you know'

Then: sorry those dates don't work. Maybe next year.

Then tell anyone she moans at that it's such a shame that they couldn't come.

It's funny how she's the sponger now.

OP, you have your answer in that some of the sleeping accommodation is in the form of pull out beds in your office. How can you work from home with people dossing in your office. I take it also that the younger two nieces/nephews are small as you mention them not knowing if the older ones visited alone. They will be very disruptive in your home, are you geared up for small children and their foibles?

Why not host for the weekends if you don’t work those and the relatives can stay in hotels the rest of the time.

Have they booked their flights yet?

The sarkiness is jealousy, isn’t it? And not helpful if whoever repeated what they had heard.

And it’s difficult to refuse them on grounds if ehat they have said unless you are prepared to face them with that.

I would send an e mail “look we’d love to see the nephews and nieces, but you need to know that we won’t be in holiday mode while you are here. We have already taken time off for other visits. So use the house but expect us to be locked away in the office working, as we are working away building up the business. But do stay,....it’ll be like self catering, except that ‘housekeeper ‘ will help out if you buy whatever food you want.

We can do a couple of things together at the weekend of course, that will be fun!

Sorry we still have to work, but Lol at least you will see how we are keeping our noses to the grindstone to make this work: we know you think it’s a life of Riley and DP swans about as a you boy. At least you’ll be able to put that little fantasy to bed!

Obviously we can give you great recommendations for places to eat and what local delicacies to buy etc. Let us know any other information you would find useful “

‘Toy boy ‘ not ‘you boy’

It can be very difficult to outright refuse family something when you have done similar for other family members. So much as you would love to tell them to get stuffed (less politely) for the sake of peace in the family most people tend to not go all out nuclear!

I think it is very reasonable for you to let them know that you work from home and are quite busy. That hosting 6 people for 2 weeks in what is effectively your workplace is too much. And also that you won't be available for much entertaining. Tell them you could do one week, and the second week they could stay in Air B&B. Also as others have mentioned outline the contribution you'll expect and be clear that they will be entertaining themselves during the day.

To be honest, I think whatever happens if/when they come the week is going to be stressful for you and your DP. But I think you should brave it out this time, don't take any shit from them. If they start with snidey comments remind them they are in your house. And then they will either never go again, or you can politely decline the next time they suggest it.

Good luck. Just because they are arrogant ignorant fuckers doesn't mean you and your partner have to respond in kind.

The comments about OP supporting her partner are really disparaging. The dp isn't some freeloader - he's her partner, he's working and has given up his life here to support the OP in her new business.
It's not everyone's dream to move to Dubai - maybe he's had to sacrifice things in order to be there for her!

At the very least make it clear that they are not making the decisions
I would go with the had enough of hosting and already have other people coming
Put it off for a year

It's a no from me, they are spiteful, petty, piss taking cheeky fuckers.
You sound like you have a lovely partner there, you are lucky to have this lovely relation ship, but you relationship is with him not those bullying nasty people.
They have no respect for your partner and how do you know the nasty digs won't happen on holiday and make your partner uncomfortable. His brother is a user. Leave him and his nasty wife to enjoy their debts.

Definitely do not put them in the office!

2 beds and move the pull out to the games room?

You cannot work from home with houseguests staying in the office.

It’s such a shame you already have guests visiting at that time! 🤔🤔🤔

I would send a message very soon saying that they MUST check dates with you before booking as you have other people staying, and work commitments. You'd hate for them to book flights then have nowhere to stay.

I'd follow that up with asking who is willing to take the daybed in the office, and let them know that they can't be in that room when you're working, so perhaps the parents should do that as presumably, they're more organized than the children. Obviously, you start work early each day so they need to have vacated the room by 7 am with no intrusions until you have finished for the evening.

I agree with @winterisstillcoming

Send them a message to tell them to make sure to check dates before booking anything as it may not be possible

Then Fob em off
then say not possible

Ultimately it’s passive aggressive enough that they won’t be able to do anything about it... so a right backatcha for the shitty things they’ve been spewing for ages

Ultimately you don’t care what they think of you, so do what pleases you both

Or simply say “we’ve hosted a lot recently and have decided to take a break from hosting, and that any visits will be by invitation only, we’ll let you know etc”

Purely for the fact they have invited themselves and are telling you what dates, then would I fuck let them stay.

That would get my back right up.

They don't like you, they just want a freebie holiday.

Your DP might be grateful if you make the decision so he doesn't have to be the bad guy.

You need to tell her as soon as possible before she has a chance to book anything.

There's a housekeeper to pay after all.

Good point - an extra six people (SIX!) on top of her usual workload (a 300% increase). And when children are involved there could be a huge amount of extra work.

I think she'll need a few bonuses to keep her sweet.

Make something up if you don't just want to say no, and definitely tell them that they absolutely must not book flights without checking with you first as you've a lot of work coming up and it's looking unlikely that you'll be able to host for the foreseeable future.

Do not let them come or this will turn into their annual holiday!!

If your DP wants to keep the relationship with his nephew and niece going, then there's FaceTime / Skype and he can return to the UK.

Also very glad you're covered regarding local law as otherwise you stand to lose everything (whilst your DP would get off Scott free, assuming he's male).

Your instincts are 100% correct OP.

To say “No” and the hell with the consequences. How they behave after that is their call. You just sit it out calmly with dignity.

That is why you are successful in business. What is happening now is that you are slipping into your DP weak/dysfunctional ways. This is wrong - be a role model and teach him to be emotionally honest and strong. He will be all the better for it. He is angry with them but can’t express it. Give him the tools and support to do the right thing and watch him grow in confidence.

These people are vile. They want to sneer and exploit you both. They will spend the 2 weeks disrupting your lives, ripping you off, belittled your DP and on high alert to gather enough spiteful anecdotes to gossip about you for years.

You might be able to weather this - I am not sure that your DPs MH can withstand it. Don’t put him through it.

You owe them nothing.

Very well put @Clareisland.

Your reply is:
'I don't know what made you think you're welcome I don't remember inviting you and your egos to stay'

Ohh this in droves !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Also , how much will it cost for flights for 2 adults+ 4 children in holiday time (unless they have a shedload of airmiles) and they are up to the hilt in debt .
Save them from themselves - say "No"

We will come and visit you soon - Why?

Did you and your DP choose to proactively socialise with this couple (outside of larger family events) in the UK? Were you planning on inviting them at any point?

With the ages of their children and the fact that they want to do 2 weeks it can only be Xmas, Easter or next summer if they want to stick with school holidays - so you could easily be away or have other commitments during those 3 time periods. But I would be more minded to “drop the rope” and just say “No”.

Them dictating the dates is likely revolving round the DC School terms and holidays that the parents can take . ( Still CF but they probably don't have a load of choice in the matter .. Except the choice not to travel )