to think BIL & SIL are CFs and refuse to host them?

[CaptainObviousTwo]

My DP is quite shy and reserved. Before we got together he lived (by choice) a quite frugal, simple life - clothes second hand, no expensive hobbies, low paid but low-stress job, never went abroad and just pottered along happily doing his thing.

We met just under 2 years ago. I also don't have any interest in fancy things but my career took me abroad a lot and I earned a fair amount of money, last year I started my own business (in the UAE) and we decided that I'd buy a house in Dubai, he'd leave his job and we'd move over there.

It wasn't until the bitching started that I realised that DPs brothers seemed to find his stability and "little village" lifestyle a means of feeling better about their lives. Both are very money-orientated, keen to buy the latest gadgets and drive fancy cars. Both are up to their eyeballs in debt but live a life of Riley and looked down upon DPs comparatively simple life.

The house in Dubai is lovely, 6 bedrooms which is far more than we need but it was a good investment and it gives us lots of room to host.

Almost everyone has been really supportive but there's been a lot of nasty comments from BIL and SIL, lots of intrusive questions about where my money has come from and lots of little jabs at DP about how he's a "housewife" and "whipped" and a "sponger" who doesn't work (not even true, he works PT for my business now). Sadly a lot of these comments have been behind our backs, or too subtle to call them on out, else I'd have addressed it directly.

Anyway, the long and the short of it is that BIL/SIL have been really judgemental and unsupportive about the whole thing.

HOWEVER, despite the fact that they clearly despise us, they have merrily announced that they're coming to visit. This would mean hosting them and their FOUR children at our house, for 2 weeks, and I have a very strong suspicion that they expect us to pay for all the food, likely a lot of the outings and just generally a lot of their expenses.

It's obvious that they see us as an opportunity for a cheap holiday.

AIBU to tell them we'd be thrilled to see them, and then send them a list of local hotels?

DP is worried because we've had a fair few houseguests (including other family) since we moved here a few months ago and that it'll be hugely offensive to turn them away as we clearly have the space. Plus he loves his nieces and nephews, so doesn't want to penalise them.

I think you should tell them you have visitor fatigue, as you have hosted so many already. You'll get back to them when you're receiving guests again, and then never do.

I never understand why people on these threads ask for advice they clearly don’t want. Although there is now a shift to declining after 6 pages it sounds like op has just been going to let it happen for the last 6 pages of advice.

If you respond by making it clear they need to book their own a accommodation then that skirts the issue with no come back for them to complain. You haven’t invited them, your not close, they don’t like you so they have no reason to assume you assume they are staying with you

As others have said get them to check dates with you before they book.
Then say you can't accommodate them for the first week, you work from home and have a big job on. Then host them for the second week. I would nearly bet on the trip being shortened. The visit is bound to go less than smoothly and can be used as a reason for not agreeing to anymore visits.

Do you trust them to behave in Dubai?

We have friends who live there and they’ve been really blunt with one couple we know and with one family group of hers and told them they’re not welcome to visit as hey simply don’t trust them not to get arrested or bring trouble to their door.

"DP is worried because we've had a fair few houseguests (including other family) since we moved here a few months ago and that it'll be hugely offensive to turn them away as we clearly have the space. Plus he loves his nieces and nephews, so doesn't want to penalise them."
So you have only been there a few months yet have had all those guests?

I would just respond and say precisely that. You have only been there for a few months and had so many guests already. You both work from home and need to concentrate on work now. Having another 6 people in the house isn't condusive to you being able to work and clearly they will want to spend time in your company which won't be possible.

Tell them maybe another year? When you decide when you will be taking holidays in the next year or two, you'll let them know and see if their dates coincide.

Make sure everyone knows stays are at your invitation and not theirs otherwise you'll just be inundated by CFs every year.

Just say, "We will see you in Dubai some time in the next couple of years but do check first. The last lot who stayed came for 2 weeks and expected us to pay for everything so we need a good while to ourselves to recover. We would hate to end up falling out with friends or family because we hadn't made our boundaries clear."

Use this if your DP insists that they come, but tbh, I would refuse to have them and would tell them whatever dates they tell you are t convenient. The ruddy cheek of saying they’ll tell you when they’ve booked the dates at work!! Beyond cf.

I think probably the simpliest given their message of "let you know dates" would be to message back to let you know dates before they book as you're quite busy.
Then when they don't let you know beforehand you say you can't do those dates.

In your shoes I think I'd just reply "Lovely, let us know where you're staying and we'll go for a drink one night. Be lovely to see the kids again" .

Simple and to the point. Work is after all too busy for you to holiday with them.

is it possible to call them out on it all and say kids welcome but not the adults due to their behaviour.

I think I would discuss with dp exactly what he wants and if he is keen to see his nieces and nephews then reply with brutal honesty. Something along the lines of "We were surprised to hear you wanted to visit as we understood that you have been a little negative about our move here but it would be lovely to see, insert niece's and nephew's names, and you could stay for X days. We will be able to provide breakfast,but you will need to eat out for other meals. Dp and I will be working during the day but I can send you some suggestions of places to visit. If you want to extend your visit beyound X days I can send you a list of hotels."

I would be tempted to send something along the lines of: "All six of you? I'm afraid that won't be possible. As you know, I work from home and I'm currently using the extra rooms to store work related files/boxes/whatever, and no amount of changing things around would provide enough space for six people. I can't recommend enough X and Y hotels, they're fantastic!"

If they complain about a large amount of people having stayed before, just reply: "Oh, yes, but the business hadn't picked up so much back then. We're much busier now."

Off topic
Are you not even a bit worried about co-habiting in UAE? One phone call from anyone who felt so inclined would end with you (possibly him but definitely YOU) locked up for who knows how long. Quite a risk you're taking there OP.

I also would not be emotionally manipulated by the fact that they have your niece and nephews with them.

That the niece and nephew exist and are loved by the OP's partner, is not in itself emotional manipulation. It's a fact.

And what's with all the snide posts about the OP's life choices and relationship? This is not what the thread is about.

To be fair, there are only 2 rooms that are kitted out as guest bedrooms.
One room is a games room now and two of the bedrooms have be joined together to make a large office for me and my crap work. We do have a very comfortable pull out sofa in the office, and a day bed so we can actually host 6 but I always feel bad for the poor sods who get the office.

Find out when they booked and say you have to go with husband on a work trip and the house is having work done so they can’t stay. It will be a nightmare once they get a foot in the door, everything will be how ‘it’s all right for you,’ etc and they will want you to take them out to expensive places. I am lucky to have very few relations, most people on here are too involved with theirs.

Also all of those recommending a full on row about this, will not be living with the consequences. It could mean that DP doesn't see his niece and nephew again.
I'm sure it'd be very satisfying for OP to tell them exactly what she thinks of them, but BIL and SIL
hold the power over the family dynamic.

Are you not even a bit worried about co-habiting in UAE? One phone call from anyone who felt so inclined would end with you (possibly him but definitely YOU) locked up for who knows how long. Quite a risk you're taking there OP.

We've got that covered. I'll not go into it because it'll end up with people getting distracted but this isn't a risk for us. We are abiding by local law.

I understand you are in a difficult position. I think if I were you I would have a very blunt conversation with them, along the lines of we know what you have been saying about us. So, IF we invite you to visit us we expect you to treat us both with respect, to not be rude to us and make some contribution to the household costs. If you feel you can do that it would be lovely to see you for x numbers days but if you feel you can not it may be best to delay any visit.

I think it is important that both you and DP take some control back of the situation and not allow them to dictate to you.

If you (both of you) allow them to dictate that they're visiting, and when, and how long for, then there's a tacit understanding that they are in control of the relationship. You're at a crossroads right now and it's your choice whether you choose more of the same, or a different path. But the longer you stay on this path, the harder it'll be to ever change. Your partner may have had a lifetime of training in terms of his role in the family, but you don't need to fall into line.
You have many, many reasons to decline their visit. If you really think they'll block you both from seeing their children then you either agree to accept anything they threaten, or you call their bluff. They'll have more respect for you if you stand up to them. Yes there'll be an adjustment and things may be uncomfortable for a while, but it's that really worse than now?

If you don't want them to visit, then say so. Say you're too busy or whatever. Or be honest. But don't think that if you capitulate now, that they'll treat you or your home with any respect whether they visit for a day or a month. You'll all be simmering away at one another and that's much more likely to cause an open feud with the children being used as weapons.

Don’t invite them. They will be extremely jealous of your house/lifestyle so will do everything they can to be nasty/put you down.

My family and my husband's both have form for fairly extreme cheekyfuckery, and each of us is a bit wet about standing up to it. Now, we have an agreement that we swop sides and deal with each other's families.
So when my parents want us to travel hundreds of miles so that my husband can do free building work for them (and expecting us to pay for the materials), but they don't even remember my birthday, MrCarpet tells them no (I'm fairly sure that he tells them a great deal more than that, but I have never asked!). When his family are taking the piss, I step in and say no firmly. I am the main earner now, so MrC often just says he will have to ask me, which his family are gradually learning means no!
OP, ask your partner if he wants you to deal with it and make them go away. If he does, give them both barrels (or just say it isn't convenient or your housekeeper is threatening to quit, whatever works). Your partner and his sibling are no longer children and he doesn't have to share just because his mummy might not like it if he doesn't, or his sibling may throw a tantrum.

It’s a no from me.

I would respond by sending the list of hotels to them.
Then add, if you want recommendations for days out let me know.

Hopefully we will be able to catch up with you a couple of days or evenings out when you come, obviously depending on my work/social schedule.

Make it absolutely clear that:

1. you are not providing accommodation
2. they are entertaining themselves and paying for themselves.
3. you are not guaranteeing anything at all and that includes spending time with the CFs.

I would not use someone like this.
I have various friends with accommodation overseas and I have never once invited myself along.

emial with what CalmdownJanet put.sorted.