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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think BIL & SIL are CFs and refuse to host them?

474 replies

CaptainObviousTwo · 08/09/2019 12:47

My DP is quite shy and reserved. Before we got together he lived (by choice) a quite frugal, simple life - clothes second hand, no expensive hobbies, low paid but low-stress job, never went abroad and just pottered along happily doing his thing.

We met just under 2 years ago. I also don't have any interest in fancy things but my career took me abroad a lot and I earned a fair amount of money, last year I started my own business (in the UAE) and we decided that I'd buy a house in Dubai, he'd leave his job and we'd move over there.

It wasn't until the bitching started that I realised that DPs brothers seemed to find his stability and "little village" lifestyle a means of feeling better about their lives. Both are very money-orientated, keen to buy the latest gadgets and drive fancy cars. Both are up to their eyeballs in debt but live a life of Riley and looked down upon DPs comparatively simple life.

The house in Dubai is lovely, 6 bedrooms which is far more than we need but it was a good investment and it gives us lots of room to host.

Almost everyone has been really supportive but there's been a lot of nasty comments from BIL and SIL, lots of intrusive questions about where my money has come from and lots of little jabs at DP about how he's a "housewife" and "whipped" and a "sponger" who doesn't work (not even true, he works PT for my business now). Sadly a lot of these comments have been behind our backs, or too subtle to call them on out, else I'd have addressed it directly.

Anyway, the long and the short of it is that BIL/SIL have been really judgemental and unsupportive about the whole thing.

HOWEVER, despite the fact that they clearly despise us, they have merrily announced that they're coming to visit. This would mean hosting them and their FOUR children at our house, for 2 weeks, and I have a very strong suspicion that they expect us to pay for all the food, likely a lot of the outings and just generally a lot of their expenses.

It's obvious that they see us as an opportunity for a cheap holiday.

AIBU to tell them we'd be thrilled to see them, and then send them a list of local hotels?

DP is worried because we've had a fair few houseguests (including other family) since we moved here a few months ago and that it'll be hugely offensive to turn them away as we clearly have the space. Plus he loves his nieces and nephews, so doesn't want to penalise them.

OP posts:
FeeFee832 · 09/09/2019 01:35

Sorry just RTFT. Amazing response from Dp. Keen to know the next bit...

proseccoaficionado · 09/09/2019 05:24

Finally someone standing up for themselves. Way to go, DP! I wonder if she'll reply

Penners99 · 09/09/2019 08:12

Please keep us posted OP

MyShinyWhiteTeeth · 09/09/2019 08:46

I don't think CFs give up that easily. It seems to almost become a battle for them to get what they want when they face anyone saying no to them.

Sparklypurpleunicornsaremyfav · 09/09/2019 09:48

Loved the message dp sent. Another one just waiting for an update!

LagunaBubbles · 09/09/2019 09:57

would undoubtedly create a lot of tension at family meetings, plus DP is too nice

Ive read your update so I'm glad your DP has said something but being too nice, not wanting to cause "trouble" etc is the reason people get away with terrible behaviour in families. Funny the people concerned don't seem that bothered usually about causing "trouble."

TowelNumber42 · 09/09/2019 10:09

Ha! DP is not as conflict averse as you thought. Good for him. Excellent messages and sentiment behind them.

NWQM · 09/09/2019 10:13

For me the trouble is you've hosted other people and not tackled the comments before.

I think you should think about sending out a blanket email / WhatsApp (whatever his family use) and set some ground rules for everyone. You can always explain to the people you like that you'll actually be flexible.

I think you should be very reluctant to host people in your office for more than a few nights unless you are taking time off. It's a right pain having people in put you ups. It's your get out clause for these six.

My experience is that you do actually need to think through arrangements and what works. It's lovely to see people but actually if everyone starts taking their two weeks holiday with you it's costly & you probably can't afford so much time off work.

Do not accept anyone who just books this flight. Anyone. Say no it isn't convenient. Do not bend even once.

NWQM · 09/09/2019 10:21

Sorry meant to add though that I think DP's replies are brilliant except he should call her out on her rudeness about you.

LillithsFamiliar · 09/09/2019 10:24

It seems as though your DP isn't as shy and reserved as you thought. I guess you won't be seeing them in Oct or any other time .

Windydaysuponus · 09/09/2019 10:24

A dh with balls!!.
Not often heard of on Mn!!

QualCheckBot · 09/09/2019 10:29

Theres a lot to be said for a quiet partner who still works. If you get a good one, they are just to good to be around.

Anyway, I was going to write that OP shouldn't be afraid to stand up to the really rude BIL and SIL, but her DP has done it anyway, while remaining polite (Which is more than I would have been). I know the temptation is to be polite to family but some of them just use it as an excuse to be more rude and bullying until you don't actually stand up to them.

I've got a BIL like this. Like you, he is always questioning why me and DH and basically wealthier than he is (the answer is that we have better jobs and better qualifications than he does but since I work mostly from home he likes to equate this with me "not working"). He started asking for stuff from me, like getting him parking permits (which I could do through my work but is illegal), to stay in one of your properties free of charge, and I just said no every time. We can be quiet abrupt in my profession so it was quite easy for me to say no. Much better that way. Its not like they're fun people to be around.

there's been a lot of nasty comments from BIL and SIL, lots of intrusive questions about where my money has come from and lots of little jabs

Seriously, tell them to do one, and tell them why. You really have gone over and beyond what is required of family hosting all ready with the parents staying for 2 weeks and the cousins, etc.. Hopefully they could at least behave themselves in public!

maddy68 · 09/09/2019 10:36

I would host them, they're your oh family. It doesn't really matter that your not keen on them
bUT I would not be paying for outings etc. I would offer dinner (home cooked) but be clear that it's their holiday and they should do their own thing as you will be working etc

JollyRocker · 09/09/2019 10:44

OP I would continue to make excuses until they get the point. Your DP and you can try to make the trip memorable for the kids by taking them out etc, perhaps offer it as a day out for the kids so that SIL and BIL get to enjoy some alone time on holiday. Then you won’t have to look at their CF faces for too long.

ALSO, all this nonsense about the UAE - Muslim countries financial laws are VERY protective of women. In an Islamic marriage, as a PP correctly stated, the husband by default has absolutely no right to the wife’s assets. And he has to provide out of his own income for the family. The wife has absolutely no obligation to spend her money on the family and her assets remain her own no matter what. If she wants to spend on the family and contribute to the household (as I know many Muslim women do) then that is her choice.

AskingQuestionsAllTheTime · 09/09/2019 11:42

I would do what your OH has done, and have sent the messages you told us about on p13! I might not have phrased them as well as he did, though.

Windydaysuponus · 09/09/2019 11:47

Tell them you are an international drug baron and you couldn't possibly allow them to benefit from such a deed with their moral standing...

theemmadilemma · 09/09/2019 11:54

I'm glad your DP found the balls to say no.

Ponoka7 · 09/09/2019 12:10

I hope you treat your housekeeper well and not just upto Dubai standard.

I find it shocking that so many people from developed countries move to places like that and take on modern day slavery so easily.

gilliansgardenbench · 09/09/2019 12:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ponoka7 · 09/09/2019 12:14

Is he going to go back home to see his DNs at all?

It's pretty harsh on them.

QualCheckBot · 09/09/2019 12:16

maddy68 I would host them, they're your oh family. It doesn't really matter that your not keen on them

What weird rule is this? Why on earth wouldn't it matter that the OP isn't keen on them?

The OP has already hosted her PIL and some cousins of the PIL for lengthy periods. She's more than done her duty.

CoraPirbright · 09/09/2019 12:23

Wow! Go, OP’s DP!! He has gone from conflict-averse to master handler of the firm but diplomatic school!! Very impressive!

I was going to suggest telling them that their dates coincided with your own holiday dates and how much nicer it would be to have family in your home whilst you were away. You were going to put it on Airbnb so they can have it instead and here are the rates for them!! However things have moved on greatly so not much use now!!

CuriousaboutSamphire · 09/09/2019 12:32

I hope you treat your housekeeper well and not just upto Dubai standard. I think you may have missed a coupe of OPs posts....

Apolloanddaphne · 09/09/2019 12:43

Good reply from your DH. I hope that they have got the message now.

LakieLady · 09/09/2019 13:07

They really are Cheeky Fuckers aren't they?

I'd tell them that you've found hosting stressful and it's a bit incompatible with working from home. You've therefore decided to limit hosting to stays of 5 days duration, max, and that that is conditional on guests making themselves scarce and staying out of the house during your working hours.

Then you can add in other rules, eg guests to supply their own food and no alcohol in the place out of respect for local practice, guests to use taxis or hire their own cars, be quiet in the evenings because you both work so hard you need to unwind in peace and quiet, and anything else you think you can get away with.

Finally, look online for term dates for their kids' schools. Then offer them dates where only 2 or 3 days are during the school holidays. Recommend a (very expensive!) hotel for if they want to make a longer trip of it.

No way will they come all that way for such a brief freebie.