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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to think BIL & SIL are CFs and refuse to host them?

474 replies

CaptainObviousTwo · 08/09/2019 12:47

My DP is quite shy and reserved. Before we got together he lived (by choice) a quite frugal, simple life - clothes second hand, no expensive hobbies, low paid but low-stress job, never went abroad and just pottered along happily doing his thing.

We met just under 2 years ago. I also don't have any interest in fancy things but my career took me abroad a lot and I earned a fair amount of money, last year I started my own business (in the UAE) and we decided that I'd buy a house in Dubai, he'd leave his job and we'd move over there.

It wasn't until the bitching started that I realised that DPs brothers seemed to find his stability and "little village" lifestyle a means of feeling better about their lives. Both are very money-orientated, keen to buy the latest gadgets and drive fancy cars. Both are up to their eyeballs in debt but live a life of Riley and looked down upon DPs comparatively simple life.

The house in Dubai is lovely, 6 bedrooms which is far more than we need but it was a good investment and it gives us lots of room to host.

Almost everyone has been really supportive but there's been a lot of nasty comments from BIL and SIL, lots of intrusive questions about where my money has come from and lots of little jabs at DP about how he's a "housewife" and "whipped" and a "sponger" who doesn't work (not even true, he works PT for my business now). Sadly a lot of these comments have been behind our backs, or too subtle to call them on out, else I'd have addressed it directly.

Anyway, the long and the short of it is that BIL/SIL have been really judgemental and unsupportive about the whole thing.

HOWEVER, despite the fact that they clearly despise us, they have merrily announced that they're coming to visit. This would mean hosting them and their FOUR children at our house, for 2 weeks, and I have a very strong suspicion that they expect us to pay for all the food, likely a lot of the outings and just generally a lot of their expenses.

It's obvious that they see us as an opportunity for a cheap holiday.

AIBU to tell them we'd be thrilled to see them, and then send them a list of local hotels?

DP is worried because we've had a fair few houseguests (including other family) since we moved here a few months ago and that it'll be hugely offensive to turn them away as we clearly have the space. Plus he loves his nieces and nephews, so doesn't want to penalise them.

OP posts:
Raindancer411 · 08/09/2019 21:42

Well done to your DP!! I cannot believe their comment about not all being as well off as you (That is so rude and shows they just wanted to sponge off you)

Raindancer411 · 08/09/2019 21:43

I would even throw in that having guests has effected your business and you both need the space to work and catch up on what is behind

DartmoorDoughnut · 08/09/2019 21:51

Wish I could’ve seen your SIL’s face when the messages from your DP came through 😂

ememem84 · 08/09/2019 22:11

Fantastic update. Well done your dp.

Incidentally we’ve got friends and family all over the world. We’ve been to stay with them loads. However the big difference is that we were invited, made sure we wouldn’t get in the way and the last time on a trip to nz for a month with mil we went away ourselves for a few days here and there to give her space.

cazza7777 · 08/09/2019 22:11

Well Done to your DP.. Smile

Drum2018 · 08/09/2019 22:12

So glad your Dp had the balls to stand up to her and put her in her place. Her level of cheeky fuckery does not deserve a free holiday in Dubai. Hope that's the end of it but no doubt there will be more texts and other family members will get drawn into her drama. Stand firm!

cutebutscary · 08/09/2019 22:17

Brilliant reply by dp, its SO bad for your mental health allowing people to walk all over you - especially family !! I suspect he will be buzzing at standing up to them and get a bit of a taste for it now which sounds long overdue . Sometimes the absolute nerve of bullies is unbelievable !!

Puzzledandpissedoff · 08/09/2019 22:22

Well done to your DH; so glad he finally found his tongue

The "not all minted like Captain" was especially ugly, and on "will the school fine them" the answer is almost certainly yes ... but they probably thought they'd still be quids in with the free holiday they expected to get

mateysmum · 08/09/2019 22:39

I used to live in Dubai and had many visitors. Difference was, they were all invited and welcome and I wasn't working from home.

And.. they all gave generous tips to my housekeeper and several took me to the gold and diamond park to get a small memento of their visit! Things that I treasure and bring back happy memories.

But after about a week, I was exhausted and very happy to have my own space back. You have been more than generous to visitors so far.

Great response from DP but I bet SIL is just regrouping before resuming the CF onslaught. Don't stand down your defences just yet OP!

CallmeAngelina · 08/09/2019 22:43

If they're people who live beyond their means and flash the cash around for appearances' sake, I presume they want to be able to boast to their friends about holidaying in Dubai, which is why they're able to overlook the issues they've bitched about in the past.

Shortfeet · 08/09/2019 22:46

Something doesn’t sit right with me about this post.
I suspect there is more to this situation and the in laws will have a different version of events

ElektraUnchained · 08/09/2019 22:56

He has done really well. Polite and assertive.

MyKingdomForBrie · 08/09/2019 23:01

I feel like he was much too indirect actually! He should have made it clear he knew that she'd been slating him personally, rather than giving her the opportunity to say that you're both too tight to have family to stay.

Cushionsarecomfie · 08/09/2019 23:03

Shortfeet - like what?!

viques · 08/09/2019 23:17

Haven't read full thread (16 pages) but I think I would say

Would love to see you, lots of places we would love to show you. However , as you know the business is quite new, and we feel that at the moment we have overstretched ourselves with entertaining visitors at home to the detriment of the business, so much as we enjoy seeing family and friends we have decided not to host for the foreseeable future. I'm sure as business people yourselves you will understand. There are many fabulous hotels locally, only to happy to give recommendations.

InvisibleWomenMustBeRead · 08/09/2019 23:27

Another great response from your DP. Can't believe there was another dig at you in her message back to him. Hope she replies to apologise but think she'll either ignore altogether or get their parents involved. Either way, hope you stick to your guns and don't have them stay.

Regardless of your feelings on them in particular, surely it's really difficult to work from home when you have visitors?

InvisibleWomenMustBeRead · 08/09/2019 23:28

There have been quite a few updates since the first post @viques

Wonkybanana · 08/09/2019 23:35

Haven't read full thread (16 pages) but I think I would say

Oh God... facepalm!

OP I'm not sure about the 'costs a bomb' tbh. If it gets relayed, those who've already been might (a) feel bad or (b) think that you're having a dig at them. Maybe he neds to come clean and tell them that that bit was just an excuse.

On a different tack, what's the relationship like between BiL/SiL and the rest of the family? Are you likely to be besieged by flying monkeys?

viques · 08/09/2019 23:36

invisible woman I'm sure there have, and if I wasn't multi tasking (watching the tennis) I would have read some of them...

ashtrayheart · 09/09/2019 00:11

Good reply but I would focus more on their attitude to you, in addition to the presumption that they can dictate a visit and not ask if it's ok! Rather than the cost. Because all they will think is that you've hosted everyone else.

Ohmygoodnessreally · 09/09/2019 00:13

are they the type to just show up and say ‘oh we thought you were JOKING!!’

timeisnotaline · 09/09/2019 00:28

Ooh that is a very nice response from your dh.

PotterHead1985 · 09/09/2019 00:48

Still reading the thread but just had to comment that whichever pp used the term nephlings is bloody genius. I LOVE it.

FeeFee832 · 09/09/2019 01:19

@CaptainObviousTwo don't do the £100 a week thing. That's really not cool and sinking low.

Just go back to them and say they need to check dates with you before booking anything. Have they looked into hotels? They'll get the message.

If not, the veggie message was gold.

WhenPushComesToShove · 09/09/2019 01:32

Love it when CFs are thwarted. Go DP 🙌

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