to think BIL & SIL are CFs and refuse to host them?

[CaptainObviousTwo]

My DP is quite shy and reserved. Before we got together he lived (by choice) a quite frugal, simple life - clothes second hand, no expensive hobbies, low paid but low-stress job, never went abroad and just pottered along happily doing his thing.

We met just under 2 years ago. I also don't have any interest in fancy things but my career took me abroad a lot and I earned a fair amount of money, last year I started my own business (in the UAE) and we decided that I'd buy a house in Dubai, he'd leave his job and we'd move over there.

It wasn't until the bitching started that I realised that DPs brothers seemed to find his stability and "little village" lifestyle a means of feeling better about their lives. Both are very money-orientated, keen to buy the latest gadgets and drive fancy cars. Both are up to their eyeballs in debt but live a life of Riley and looked down upon DPs comparatively simple life.

The house in Dubai is lovely, 6 bedrooms which is far more than we need but it was a good investment and it gives us lots of room to host.

Almost everyone has been really supportive but there's been a lot of nasty comments from BIL and SIL, lots of intrusive questions about where my money has come from and lots of little jabs at DP about how he's a "housewife" and "whipped" and a "sponger" who doesn't work (not even true, he works PT for my business now). Sadly a lot of these comments have been behind our backs, or too subtle to call them on out, else I'd have addressed it directly.

Anyway, the long and the short of it is that BIL/SIL have been really judgemental and unsupportive about the whole thing.

HOWEVER, despite the fact that they clearly despise us, they have merrily announced that they're coming to visit. This would mean hosting them and their FOUR children at our house, for 2 weeks, and I have a very strong suspicion that they expect us to pay for all the food, likely a lot of the outings and just generally a lot of their expenses.

It's obvious that they see us as an opportunity for a cheap holiday.

AIBU to tell them we'd be thrilled to see them, and then send them a list of local hotels?

DP is worried because we've had a fair few houseguests (including other family) since we moved here a few months ago and that it'll be hugely offensive to turn them away as we clearly have the space. Plus he loves his nieces and nephews, so doesn't want to penalise them.

*SIL has replied

"Haha, 6 reservations at Hotel CaptainObvious, of course! The kids are really excited to see you. It'll probably be October half term. I'll let you know the exact dates."*

I am speechless - the height of CFery!!

I prefer nosquirrels message but I might merge our two.

Right! When you said you’d “let us know dates” I assumed you meant you were sorting your own accommodation. Our house is now properly set up as our offices. Our business is really busy. Dates for major visits now have to be planned far in advance. Suggest some dates and we'll see when might be a good week. Definitely can't be October half-term.

We’d love to see you all but we wouldn’t be able to host for more than a week max. Don’t book any flights until you’ve checked dates with us in case we’re already committed.

Sorry revising this to be firmer!

We’d love to see you all but we wouldn’t be able to host in October. So don’t book any flights without checking with us!

Then when they check it’ll be inconvenient. Possibly permanently. And if they get the hump they can be told why.

They are proving themselves to being even bigger cf-c**ts than first thought.

This needs you to respond at the same hard, direct manner immediately. No “reasons” as that just provides “an in” for them to wriggle through.

Think how cross your DH and you are now - with them thousands of miles away - and multiply it by a thousand if they came. Don’t let it happy.

Harness your DH anger with a v short sharp assertive response:

“Sorry that doesn’t work for us. As I said ... blah hotels, blah nights out....rinse and repeat”

Deal with it. Do it quick - then it’s over.

The above text needs to be made clearer that they can’t stay. Saying business is busy and dates have to be planned in advance still suggests they can stay.

That was to @TowelNumber42

Right! When you said you’d “let us know dates” I assumed you meant you were sorting your own accommodation

That's a good start. I was wondering how on earth to get past the two assumptions. I'd be tempted to continue

"..because otherwise I'd have expected that you'd have asked if/when it would be convenient for us"

Such a shame you have the decorators in that week and can't host. ;-)

Yes, make sure as per Towel that they get the message it’s a workplace not hotel for 6+.
And if your DP wants to see nephew & niece he can offer to have them on their half term (taking up 1 bedroom and DP in charge of hosting entertainment as he’s PT and you’ll be working all week.)

I think you need to make your position quite clear, as in they are not coming, immediately. Or you will find that they have booked their flights, with no hotel accommodation, and it will be down to you/DH to host.

Agree you need to close this down. No reasons just a “Sorry that doesn’t work for us” because otherwise - especially with these dog with a bone cf types - you will get:

OK - when are the decorators finished etc

Do not give them an in. They are so rude not to take the massive hint when you said about the hotels. They will steamroller you given half the chance.

Don’t write anything inflammatory as this will be shared around the family.

You have no obligation to go into details or explain yourself to these people.

I'd be very cross too OP especially after that last message, I wouldn't be able to not saying anything now.

Just say no

Inviting yourself to someone's house on holiday for two weeks is very cheeky. They've upped the cheeky fuckery with that response.

At the very least dates should work for you both. Would you be able to work from home with guests there for so long?

Reply that doesn't work for you but it will be great to see them. "Hope you get sorted" puts the ball in their court. I think I'd want to catch up face to face in the UK before I agreed to any visits.

It's doesn't have to be the same offer for all.

I would say that you are too busy with the business and have already taken as much time as you can off work for hosting other people. Say that you work from home so it is too disruptive for people to be staying in the house.

Yep,
Do not give them any way in.

I can’t believe how rude they are.

I think short, sharp, blunt,

‘Ha ha, what are you like? We aren’t having any one else stay here for the foreseeable future,’

Then end it.
Don’t respond if she gets back in touch, just ignore.
I’ve learnt over the years that a simple no, works best.
No conversation just a no.
We moved into a new house and I found it bizzare how many people, to whom we are not close, asked for invites.
Not only that but they began to organise events at our house between themselves. Then run it past me.
I just replied with a no, that won’t be happening.
Or no, I’m not doing that.
I’m quite happy to see these people when we bump into them but for them to invite themselves to our home- no.

Not the weather for dog walks, I tell you. I came home sweaty and disgusting.
Anyway, for updates:

DP: "We won't be able to host you overnight SIL. We're happy to do a BBQ and some outings though. We're looking forward to seeing the kids too"

SIL: "Why not? We can't afford to pay for all of us to stay in a hotel over there, we're not all minted like Captain. The kids are dying to see your new house - Nephew's school will give them time off on top of Oct half term"

[Ps. Is that even true? I thought you had to pay a fine?]

DP: I'm not sure you realise how expensive it is to host people; it costs a bomb and it's really tiring. I don't really want to make it a Thing but you weren't really supportive of the move so I'm not sure why you're so keen to see us now.

And its all gone quiet

Authentic communication!

"Sorry SIL, we've got crossed wires: we can't host you Im afraid"

Sorry X post...well done DP! Brilliant message 👌

He's done really well, waiting for the parents to ring now.

It was especially good that he pulled out the real reason rather than blaming logistics, really direct communication 👍🏻

Well done him!

Just read your latest update. Surprised he didn't set them straight on you being "minted" but he's certainly found his chutzpah by the sounds of things.
Don't be surprised if you're contacted by other family members complaining on their behalf.
Time to be strong now!