to think BIL & SIL are CFs and refuse to host them?

[CaptainObviousTwo]

My DP is quite shy and reserved. Before we got together he lived (by choice) a quite frugal, simple life - clothes second hand, no expensive hobbies, low paid but low-stress job, never went abroad and just pottered along happily doing his thing.

We met just under 2 years ago. I also don't have any interest in fancy things but my career took me abroad a lot and I earned a fair amount of money, last year I started my own business (in the UAE) and we decided that I'd buy a house in Dubai, he'd leave his job and we'd move over there.

It wasn't until the bitching started that I realised that DPs brothers seemed to find his stability and "little village" lifestyle a means of feeling better about their lives. Both are very money-orientated, keen to buy the latest gadgets and drive fancy cars. Both are up to their eyeballs in debt but live a life of Riley and looked down upon DPs comparatively simple life.

The house in Dubai is lovely, 6 bedrooms which is far more than we need but it was a good investment and it gives us lots of room to host.

Almost everyone has been really supportive but there's been a lot of nasty comments from BIL and SIL, lots of intrusive questions about where my money has come from and lots of little jabs at DP about how he's a "housewife" and "whipped" and a "sponger" who doesn't work (not even true, he works PT for my business now). Sadly a lot of these comments have been behind our backs, or too subtle to call them on out, else I'd have addressed it directly.

Anyway, the long and the short of it is that BIL/SIL have been really judgemental and unsupportive about the whole thing.

HOWEVER, despite the fact that they clearly despise us, they have merrily announced that they're coming to visit. This would mean hosting them and their FOUR children at our house, for 2 weeks, and I have a very strong suspicion that they expect us to pay for all the food, likely a lot of the outings and just generally a lot of their expenses.

It's obvious that they see us as an opportunity for a cheap holiday.

AIBU to tell them we'd be thrilled to see them, and then send them a list of local hotels?

DP is worried because we've had a fair few houseguests (including other family) since we moved here a few months ago and that it'll be hugely offensive to turn them away as we clearly have the space. Plus he loves his nieces and nephews, so doesn't want to penalise them.

Them being rude could be discussed without it being a confrontation. Basically tell (Or your partner tells) them what you wrote to the OP. Telling what you know and how it makes you feel. Then go form there. It doesn't have to be an argument.

I very much hope that your DP steps up here, if the relationship is ever to be on an equal footing he will have to assert himself. Good luck!

at that reply! CFs indeed.

DP is more cross than I've seen him in a long time, so he may well actually tell them to fuck off.

I do hope so. They are huge CFs. This is bad enough when you're thousands of miles away. Imagine how bad it would be if they were in your house. Fingers crossed for DP kicking their arses in a big way.

Ouch!

How about a reply of:
"Sorry for the confusion. We're not going to be able to host anyone in October, the business is run from home and is very busy for the next few months, and frankly we need a break from running a hotel! If you want to stay with us, I'll talk to Captain about when things are quiet enough at work to host again - assume you are bound by school holidays."

Well done DP!
I think short reply is fine.
“It’s not a hotel and I’m not laughing.
Let us know if you are coming to Dubai and if you want to meet up.”

But I'm really not comfortable in going into this, I've already talked way more about it than I would like

I don't blame you - it's your private life and you seem to have your head screwed on. I think some people were just a bit concerned for you. You may have a minor complication of your awful in-laws try to shop you when you don't host them, but it will be very satisfying for you to watch them wipe the egg off their faces!

Your DP has sent an excellent text. It will be interesting to see what their response is.

Also I anticipate a phone call from his parents.

Actually, neither of you even need to bring up their past negative comments. They are being outrageously rude in inviting themselves to stay with you and refusing to accept DP's original refusal. That's grounds enough to be blunt with them to the effect that you will not be hosting them and that they must stop asking.

Wow. It's hotter inside than out at your place.

I'd be considering telling them that the business work load situation does make hosting impossible, but then raise the other issues - you haven't raised them before for the sake of keeping the family peace, but you're both very disturbed by what's been said. The air needs to be cleared, apologies and assurances given if things are ever going to be reasonably normal again.

Something like that if it's what your DP wants.

Whoops!

Just seen their reply!

The heights of CheekyFuckery are indeed dizzying with this one!

It's obvious from your DP's text that they aren't being invited to stay with you - and yet they continue to invite themselves . . .

DEFINITELY tell them to "do one".

You have been an incredibly generous host hitherto, I’d draw the line at hosting people who have no respect for you or your DP, - their brother for god’s sake!

I’m glad your DP is angry rather than worried. I’m sorry he’s got shit brothers. Sounds like he’s got himself a lovely girlfriend though, and with brains in her head and feet in her shoes.

If the rest of the inlaws get dragged into it on the basis you've hosted them in the past you just need to say that previous guests have stayed by invitation from you at mutually convenient times
You are running a business from home. You have had a lot of guests recently. You need to focus on work. It is not convenient to host a family of 6 at October half term - or indeed ever
Tell them not to book flights unless they have somewhere else to stay as they will not be staying with you

If this escalates you may need a battle plan for if they just turn up anyway

Cheeky fuckers. I’m all for hinting and gently asking but not a massive assumption they are free to stay whenever they want. If you’re working from home having four kids around won’t be easy (I know this when I worked from home with 3). I’d accommodate people I actually like but not people who’d been rude behind our backs.

Dear sis
I'm really looking forward to seeing the kids, we're delighted to have you.

Only thing is we've learned having guests stay more than a week puts enormous pressure on do ( you) as she works from home and finds it hard to concentrate on work when we've guests staying.

This is all new to us and we're still learning. What do you feel is a fair amount to contribute to the food bill?
We love having visitors, but need to put a few ground rules in place going forward so there's no awkwardness for anyone, I know you understand

If it were me I'd be encouraging do to send her something like this

Personally (because I have no tact when it comes to my CF SIL), I'd respond 'that doesn't work for us, no need to send dates, we can't accommodate you. We work from home so it wouldn't be much fun for you and the kids to have to be quiet in our home and we have saved time off work for invited friends and PIL.'

I'd let them come and say "you're very welcome to visit and stay with us but I hope this means the end of all those nasty comments you've been making about our life here". Call them on it!

Oh dear.

But at least SIL’s reply makes it properly up for discussion, so DP can reply along the lines of

“Right! When you said you’d “let us know dates” I assumed you meant you were sorting your own accommodation. We’re really busy with the business and Captain works from home so we’ve found lots of visitors quite a disruption- and as you can imagine everyone is up for a holiday with us at the moment! We’d love to see you all but we wouldn’t be able to host for more than a week max. Don’t book any flights until you’ve checked dates with us in case we’re already committed.”

"October half term no good for us. We have other plans. By the way, it sounds like you have not heard that we have reorganised the house as a workplace now so we can't accommodate more than 2 guests at a time if we are not on holiday ourselves. You will have to stay at a hotel or you have to match up with our own days off. Unfortunately all the visits so far mean we won't have a long break coming for a few months now."

Start there.

if you have happily hosted everyone else then yes, I do think it's a bit unreasonable not to host them.

No! The others haven’t been chatting shit about OP and DP behind their backs! It’s not comparable.

Bloody hell they’re entitled fuckers

@pantsville

^You’re not ready for marriage however you’ve moved with the fella to a country where he now essentially owns you, your business and all your property. If this is genuine you need to get out of there ASAP. Sounds like the siblings see the situation for what it is.*

In Islamic marriages the husband has no right to the wife’s money/wages/property. It’s the man’s duty to support his wife.