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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to think BIL & SIL are CFs and refuse to host them?

474 replies

CaptainObviousTwo · 08/09/2019 12:47

My DP is quite shy and reserved. Before we got together he lived (by choice) a quite frugal, simple life - clothes second hand, no expensive hobbies, low paid but low-stress job, never went abroad and just pottered along happily doing his thing.

We met just under 2 years ago. I also don't have any interest in fancy things but my career took me abroad a lot and I earned a fair amount of money, last year I started my own business (in the UAE) and we decided that I'd buy a house in Dubai, he'd leave his job and we'd move over there.

It wasn't until the bitching started that I realised that DPs brothers seemed to find his stability and "little village" lifestyle a means of feeling better about their lives. Both are very money-orientated, keen to buy the latest gadgets and drive fancy cars. Both are up to their eyeballs in debt but live a life of Riley and looked down upon DPs comparatively simple life.

The house in Dubai is lovely, 6 bedrooms which is far more than we need but it was a good investment and it gives us lots of room to host.

Almost everyone has been really supportive but there's been a lot of nasty comments from BIL and SIL, lots of intrusive questions about where my money has come from and lots of little jabs at DP about how he's a "housewife" and "whipped" and a "sponger" who doesn't work (not even true, he works PT for my business now). Sadly a lot of these comments have been behind our backs, or too subtle to call them on out, else I'd have addressed it directly.

Anyway, the long and the short of it is that BIL/SIL have been really judgemental and unsupportive about the whole thing.

HOWEVER, despite the fact that they clearly despise us, they have merrily announced that they're coming to visit. This would mean hosting them and their FOUR children at our house, for 2 weeks, and I have a very strong suspicion that they expect us to pay for all the food, likely a lot of the outings and just generally a lot of their expenses.

It's obvious that they see us as an opportunity for a cheap holiday.

AIBU to tell them we'd be thrilled to see them, and then send them a list of local hotels?

DP is worried because we've had a fair few houseguests (including other family) since we moved here a few months ago and that it'll be hugely offensive to turn them away as we clearly have the space. Plus he loves his nieces and nephews, so doesn't want to penalise them.

OP posts:
CaptainObviousTwo · 08/09/2019 18:03

SIL has replied

"Haha, 6 reservations at Hotel CaptainObvious, of course! The kids are really excited to see you. It'll probably be October half term. I'll let you know the exact dates."

OP posts:
Alwaysgrey · 08/09/2019 18:04

Very nice reply by your dp.

sweetiepie1979 · 08/09/2019 18:04

Oh god they are cheeky fuckers just say you have other commitments that week and won’t be able to host. Get in with a quick reply!

sweetiepie1979 · 08/09/2019 18:05

Actually you’ve got to just tell the truth you don’t want them to stay!

fedup21 · 08/09/2019 18:06

Oh dear. I think you’re going to need to have a very difficult conversation tonight!!

FlamingoFlamenco · 08/09/2019 18:06

I hear what everyone is saying about the 1 week but I would place money on them booking another hotel for the remainder and then it suddenly cancelling on them whilst they are with us, conveniently leaving them with us for another 5/7/10 days

^ Get the dates from them first, then tell them that you can't host them for the first week due to work, so they will have to book a hotel. That just leaves the 2nd week to endure.

mankyfourthtoe · 08/09/2019 18:07

You'll have to refer back to previous posts about being over hosted and as it's captains house and business I can't impose on her any more. I know you'll understand as you were wondering how it was afforded ...
(Prob not the last bit!)

MzHz · 08/09/2019 18:07

Argh they are MFTBCF*

*more front than Blackpool

He’s going to have to say clearly that you’re not hosting at all atm, and repeat the previous message

JennyWoodentop · 08/09/2019 18:09

Given SIL's response, you need to be very clear in your own reply that either they are not staying with you, or if you are prepared to have them, exactly what the terms are. Before you know it they will have booked flights & it's a fait accompli.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 08/09/2019 18:10

Just be up front but with no explanation.

DS, we cant accommodate you, as I said in my earlier message, we can recommend some local hotels and it would be lovely to see you for a BBQ one night, but we are unable to have you at the house’

If she pushes for a reason why, I’d be brutal and say that you’re both aware of the nasty things both her and her dh have been saying about you, and as a result you’d rather they stayed elsewhere

MzHz · 08/09/2019 18:10

“That’s not going to work for us, happy to see you when you’re over, have you over for a bbq, but we’re not in a position to host atm”

bringbacksideburns · 08/09/2019 18:11

In light of her reply I think he should be honest with them.

Clearly they don't have much respect for him and he needs to tell them how belittled and upset they make him feel.
He then needs to add something like
' Maybe in the future I may feel more comfortable hosting you but the things you have said recently about me and the dynamics of my relationship still hurt quite frankly, and right now im not ready to give my home over to you and your large family for a holiday.'

Juog · 08/09/2019 18:11

They have been absolutely horrible to you,don't feel any guilt just tell them no it's not convenient, you don't owe them an explanation so don't give one.

fedup21 · 08/09/2019 18:14

What has your DH said about her reply?

FluffyCloudsInTheSky · 08/09/2019 18:17

Wow! DPs response was great, but they are just too cheeky! What is the plan now?

LazyLizzy · 08/09/2019 18:17

Cheeky bitch is totally taking the piss now.

Over my dead body would I be letting her stay.

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 08/09/2019 18:21

I think it is a non runner suggesting hotels. They are holidaying in dubai BECAUSE their brother lives in a 6 bedroom house there. It's in an opportunity to go on holidays somewhere they mightn't otherwise BECAUSE their brother lives there. In a big house.

It's all well and good posters saying "No way I'd be letting them stay". "I'd tell them to fuck right off" etc. But most civilised people don't communicate with family and friends like that.

Yes, the in-laws are being cheeky fucks. But I think OP if you and your partner (husband?!) can rise above them and keep your dignity you will come out of this without them being able to give out. And once this is over, its over. October mid term won't be 2 weeks.

Do not however take any shit from them or sly comments when they are in YOUR home. If they say anything, I'd sweetly question what they mean by that? Maybe, they'll cop the fuck on when they realise They are sponging off both of you. The thing they seem to hate most in people!!

ReanimatedSGB · 08/09/2019 18:22

He'll need to email back along the lines of 'Don't be daft, we can't fit all six of you in, and we are both really busy with the business so not hosting anyone for the moment.'

athenagoddessofwar · 08/09/2019 18:23

Did you bring it up before, when they were making their horrible comments? If you didn't, they may have no idea you're (rightly) pissed off. Might need to bring it up. If you did mention it previously, I'd just tell them that due to their previous behaviour, they're not welcome in your home.

Popuppippa · 08/09/2019 18:24

Just be clear and firm without being rude.

'Sorry, we can't host but maybe we can meet up one evening.'

You do need to be clear. You don't need to give reasons.

Aderyn19 · 08/09/2019 18:24

Text back 'sorry, not possible. We are working from home and can't have people to stay at present'

fedup21 · 08/09/2019 18:25

Have they got any idea they’ve pissed you off in the past?

Windydaysuponus · 08/09/2019 18:25

Unfortunately sil the dates you requested are unavailable....

CaptainObviousTwo · 08/09/2019 18:25

I've gone out to walk the dog because I'm too cross to deal with it right now.
DP is more cross than I've seen him in a long time, so he may well actually tell them to fuck off.
I'm not in any mind to provide sensible suggestions for replies so I've taken myself out to calm down.

OP posts:
CaptainObviousTwo · 08/09/2019 18:26

Have they got any idea they’ve pissed you off in the past?

No

OP posts:
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