Dad’s new girlfriend

[Dazednconfused11]

First post so please bear with me. My wonderful mother died just over a year ago and my father has now met someone else. AIBU in being upset over this? Over the past 6 weeks or so he has lied constantly to the family about where he’s going and what he’s been doing. He hasn’t even told us that he is seeing someone yet the signs are obvious. Her clothing is hanging in the wardrobe next to my mothers clothes, her make up has been left lying around and they’ve been sleeping in my mother’s bed where she died. I find this extremely hurtful and disrespect to my mother. He invited her to a party where we all were and it was obvious they were together yet he still didn’t tell us or introduce her to us. My brother became very angry at him and an argument ensued then my brother left. He texted my father the next day to say he was sorry for the way in which he had spoken to him but not what he said. My brothers and sister all feel the same way and my brother is not prepared to let my father see his grandkids until this is sorted out. My father has ignored any communication with my brother and acting as if nothing has happened. We knew that he would meet someone else one day yet expected to be introduced/informed in an adult way. I know he’s entitled to his own life and privacy but he’s pushing all his children away with his behaviour. The whole situation is getting me down and don’t really want to be around him as fe he is constantly lying to me. Has anyone any advice or been through similar. Sorry for long post. Thanks

It sounds like your father didn't know how best to make the introduction, and thought a non direct meeting might be best.

You're still hurting from the loss of your mother, that's completely understandable. But your father has every right to move on with a new partner.

How would you prefer to meet her, could you suggest perhaps a meal together?

Regarding your mother's clothes, there does need to be a point where these are sorted and removed from the wardrobe. Is that something you might like to help with, or just your father?

I don't think your father has acted unreasonably. You'd rather have had a more direct introduction, and that can still happen. But the other stuff, he is entitled to move on, and that will be in what was your mother's home.

There's nothing wrong with him meeting someone else.

There's nothing wrong with him hiding that if he fears the reaction of people who think they have a right to know. (In fact he's entitled to his own relationships anyway, he doesn't need a reason to be secretive about them, though it sounds like he has good reasons in this case.)

I'm sure there will be some other people along shortly to empathise with your emotions, but the fact that someone else' behaviour makes you unhappy does not necessarily mean they are doing anything wrong.

Some of mum’s jewellery has gone missing. We have been and taken everything of Mum’s that we want. He told us to come and do it quickly as he was just going to throw it all into the bucket. He tried to get us to dissolve a legal trust as well which we have refused to do.

Ahhh OP, So sorry about your mum. I can see why you might be hurt (and you are grieving) but he must move on. IME men especially find it difficult to be alone. No time will be a good time when it’s someone you feel is taking the place of your mum.

Please don’t make him feel bad. Raise it gently and get it out in the open. But making him feel bad or guilty about it would resign him to a life of solitary unhappiness - do you really want that?

Sorry but you are being massively unreasonable.

He may be like this because he knew how you’d react?

Cut him some slack and be happy for his happiness. Life is too short

Men do have a reputation of moving on more quickly then women, but he sounds like a bit of an insensitive shit to be honest.

You aren’t being unreasonable OP and I’m sorry you are experiencing this, and sorry for the loss of your mum. I have been through similar and it isn’t pleasant however if your father is as stubborn as mine you won’t get an apology out of him for a very long time if at all.

Your father has lost his partner and he is trying to fill the gap left by your mother dying. If you had a good relationship with him before all this I would try and give him space, and if you do want to see him, ask to specifically spend time with just him so you can repair that relationship before trying to form one with his new partner.

I am a widow so I know what it is to lose a spouse but I agree he has the right to move on and the time scale of that is entirely up to him.
I can understand why he is not being open with you as your judgement of him moving on is pretty clear from just your short post.
As he offered you the jewellery and you and siblings have taken what you wanted the rest is a non issue.
The trust could be a bigger issue but as you have refused then that has been settled and if he asks again you just refuse again.

How was your relationship before he met his new gf?

He absolutely is allowed to become involved with someone new. It's been a year, not a week.

What was the relevance of the jewellery? Did you mention it because you think she stole it? Or that he gave it to her?

I understand you're grieving but you have no right to control your father's love life. Maybe he didn't tell you about her because he knew you'd react badly?

It’s entirely understandable to be upset he’s got a girlfriend so soon, definitely not unreasonable to be upset that he’s lied about it. But it is kind of unreasonable to be upset that he’s met someone. He’s allowed to move on and he probably didn’t know how to tell you all. Your and your siblings reaction to it seems extreme- shouting at him and threatening him with not seeing the grandkids makes me understand why he didn’t know how to tell you. Try sitting down with him and talking about it rather than cutting him out. Yes you lost your mother but he lost his wife. You’re all grieving.

And if you’ve already taken the jewellery you wanted, I’m not sure why you raise the rest of it. He shouldn’t have to live with your mother’s possessions in his home if he doesn’t want to. Their bedroom is his bedroom now and not a shrine. If you don’t want items thrown away, perhaps suggest a charitable donation.

You are being very unreasonable and the way you have all reacted makes it totally clear why your father doesn't want to talk to you.

It is none of your business if he wants to be with someone else and it's a massive invasion of privacy that you have been in his room checking his wardrobe.

You and your siblings are being very very childish - get over yourselves.

I'm assuming you're all adults? Do you still live with your DF? If not, it sounds like you have been sneaking round his house checking up on him. Which is possibly why he's been secretive.
You need to allow him to get on with his life now. Otherwise you'll lose your DF as well as your dm, and that would be tragic. As for your brother refusing to let him see his grandchildren, that's just cruel, both to your DF and to the grandchildren!

I fully expect him to move on with someone else, I certainly don’t want him to be unhappy or lonely. It’s the way he has handled it that hurts. I might be wrong but I envisaged when he did meet someone we would be introduced and they’d integrate into the family but it hasn’t worked out like that. The jewellery went missing shortly after she started staying over. We asked him about it but he just shrugged and said he didn’t care, to get Mum’s stuff out otherwise it was being thrown out.

Are you suspecting the new partner is trying to asset strip you/your father?

If not then I'd echo everything above. Very sorry for your loss. Your dad is not doing anything wrong, though, unless there is more to this.

I don't think OP is being unreasonable at all. After only a year he is shitting on all of his children and his wife's memory. Does he have no decency at all.
He has behaved very badly like a live sick teenager and could have handled things so much better.
Introducing a new partner as a friend; very slowly. People just don't know how to conduct themselves properly any more.
To everyone who thinks OP is being unreasonable.....bollocks.

My parents had separate bedrooms and there was no sneaking around. He was there when we were or knew we were in her room.

Hi OP

YANBU to be upset, I understand it feels like he is somehow trying to replace your mum and it seems like he is wiping out memories of her. This has happened twice in my extended family and when feelings are raw people get very hurt.

Statistically men in happy marriages are more likely to get into anoher serious relationship quickly though. I guess it's common. It doesnt mean he doesnt miss your mum.

And he is probably rightly worried about your reactions and rather than confronting it has buried his head in the sand. Stopping children from seeing him (unless there are genuine known concerns about the lady) seems very extreme and not in the children's best interests, your brother is using them to punish your dad for a decision that mainly affects your dad that he doesnt agree with. Your may all feel uncomfortable with your dads choices and that's understandable but he hasn't done anything wrong

It sounds as though his relationship with your mother wasn't idyllic op? Obviously I'm interpreting what your saying and may be reading it wrong?

As for madcat - 😂

I imagine he didn’t tell you because he was worried you’d react negatively - which indeed you have. And your comments about her clothes ‘hanging next to your mum’s’ and her ‘sleeping in your mum’s bed’ and it being ‘disrespectful’ absolutely do point to you having an overall objection to him having a relationship with someone else.

He is an adult. It is his house. It is entirely up to him when he feels ready to form a new relationship and when he wants to get rid of your mum’s possessions. He can’t keep them in his house forever - most people get to a point where they feel ready to clear out their late spouse’s clothes etc - and he has offered you the opportunity to have anything of hers that you want. He has done absolutely nothing wrong.

Hi, my mum died and my sister introduced my dad to someone else after 9 months.
It broke my heart.
So while I can't relate to the secret part, I can relate to the whole dad moving on super fast.
I was still grieving and felt I could talk to my dad about it anymore as he'd moved on all ready. It changed the dynamics of our family completely. My sister kept insisting it was the best thing for dad to move on and stop moping around, but to see her say in my mums chair and sleeping in my mums bed was too much for me to bear and I had to go LC.
It's been 10 years this year since mum died, and I'm only just coming to terms with dads girlfriend in his life! My sister is now NC with Dad as she thinks he changed so much after mum died. It's all a big mess, but that's what happens when the centre of your family is gone forever. No one knows what is the right or wrong thing to do.

You need to have it out with your dad face to face and say how hurt you are, or your relationship with him won't survive.

I really hope she’s not a gold digger.

Did your Mum leave a share in the property to you children and he wants that over-turned by a deed of trust?

Statistically men in happy marriages are more likely to get into anoher serious relationship quickly though.

Really? There are statistics available for such things?

Are you sure?

What trust did he try to get you to dissolve?