Dad’s new girlfriend

[Dazednconfused11]

First post so please bear with me. My wonderful mother died just over a year ago and my father has now met someone else. AIBU in being upset over this? Over the past 6 weeks or so he has lied constantly to the family about where he’s going and what he’s been doing. He hasn’t even told us that he is seeing someone yet the signs are obvious. Her clothing is hanging in the wardrobe next to my mothers clothes, her make up has been left lying around and they’ve been sleeping in my mother’s bed where she died. I find this extremely hurtful and disrespect to my mother. He invited her to a party where we all were and it was obvious they were together yet he still didn’t tell us or introduce her to us. My brother became very angry at him and an argument ensued then my brother left. He texted my father the next day to say he was sorry for the way in which he had spoken to him but not what he said. My brothers and sister all feel the same way and my brother is not prepared to let my father see his grandkids until this is sorted out. My father has ignored any communication with my brother and acting as if nothing has happened. We knew that he would meet someone else one day yet expected to be introduced/informed in an adult way. I know he’s entitled to his own life and privacy but he’s pushing all his children away with his behaviour. The whole situation is getting me down and don’t really want to be around him as fe he is constantly lying to me. Has anyone any advice or been through similar. Sorry for long post. Thanks

We have taken everything that we want and for that to have happened obviously we have had to go through drawers to find things. No one has been snooping he has been there when we have done this. The missing jewellery came to light after everything had been gone through and couldn’t be found. I’ve never stated that I think she has stolen it I have stated it is missing and that is a fact.

Attaching importance to facts such as the OP's father attempting to alter his late wife's Will is not an "interpretation"
In terms of the level of significance to the relationship issues and reasons behind it, it definitely is...

If you don’t think she stole it, why raise it?

@Cheeserton it’s a seriously inaccurate interpretation too! Asking someone to end a Trust is not remotely the same thing as trying to alter someone’s Will.

YANBU. I think you're DF is entitled to move in but it sounds like he has handled it in a completely selfish and actually cruel in my opinion.
Telling you to 'take your mums stuff or it will be thrown out' is awful and I'm not surprised that you're upset.

Are you agreeing with me there Chesserton??? You know perfectly well that I was responding to "interpretation" in the context of your first reply to me, which implied that people were reading all the info (I think not!), but I was putting a unfair spin on it.

However, let's leave this here and not derail the Op's thread.

Your father sounds like he is being very immature and handling it all rather badly

You sound reasonable so quite why he doesn’t feel he can be honest and sensitive about his new partner with you all is odd

I’d try and stay calm and speak to him in person

Telling you to 'take your mums stuff or it will be thrown out' is awful

Why? I had to say the same to my daughters, eventually. I'm trying to cull the amount of stuff I have. And I've reached the point where I don't need the comfort of my late husband's belongings around. But I would hate to get rid of anything that was of sentimental value to either of my daughters. So I asked them to come round and take anything they wanted of their dad's, as I would be talking a load of stuff to the charity shops in a week or two. They were fine with it, and glad of the chance to make sure that nothing was lost that they'd have liked.

Not unfair, just potentially different. I don't necessarily think you can summarily link directly the new relationship with his other actions, in the absence of other evidence.

Some of the details you offer – your dad sitting looking at his phone when he should be involved with grandchildren – make him sound young and then talk of hospital appointments and him needing to be looked after and kept an eye on suggest that he's quite elderly and even vulnerable. Quite a lot hinges on this.

If you regard him as vulnerable and if you honestly suspect that this new woman is out for his money then I would suggest legal advice just so that you know where you stand. Have you discussed a Lasting Power of Attorney with him? If he were to name you and your siblings as his attorneys it might help limit future financial damage if you suspect that it what is likely to happen.

Have you asked your father where the missing jewellery might be?

Have you asked him how he's feeling about having new relationships and dating, and telling you children?

It sounds like the communication between you has broken down here, and it's not just because of him!

Angelf1sh

Pretty sure the Trust would have been mentioned in the Will....in any case, the fact is the OP's mother wanted HER half of the marital property to be divided in a certain way after her death, and her husband has tried to get it changed.

Why?

I find it interesting that your mother set up a trust in the first place.
Your father not introducing a 6week old relationship seems reasonable.
His disinterest in your children.
You are going to have to start seeing him as an individual as well as your dad.He is a year out of a long relationship which,since you indicated nothing to the contrary,was happy.Long happy relationships require you to bend a little for the other person.He doesn't have that now or the routine and framework that that brings.He is behaving differently,finding out who he is on his own again.
Given how your brother behaved though you haven't finished grieving and that she s not his fault.

Altering a Will belonging to someone else without their consent is a crime. Asking the beneficiaries of a trust to close it, is not a crime. They’re not remotely the same thing.

And I have absolutely not idea why he’d want the trust ended, how could I possibly know? I’d guess he wants to sell the house and is confused about how the trust works, but that’s completely a guess.

To the OP I understand where you're coming from. My df moved on very quickly after my mum's death and was effectively looking for someone to "look after him". He ended up with a younger woman who was a lot wealthier than him (but it's all tucked and hidden away). He bank rolls everything. Every bill, every cost and gives her several thousand pounds a month for groceries even though he barely eats. He and my dsis have gone very low contact because while his partner was in hospital she helped him pay some bills and when she took him to the bank and discovered his 6 figure savings account had been drained completely. They had a huge fight about it and now barely speak because she "meddles". She controls everything and we're pretty sure he has changed his will, but we can't do or prove anything. She made him get rid of his storage container which had all our family "stuff" in it and while we managed to save some pieces all our family photos have gone. My parents were married for 40-odd years and it feels like he's completely replaced us and can't see us because it's too painful. He gave one of her dc a huge chunk of money for a house deposit (which she then signed over to her partner) but wouldn't help me when we had some financial issues (thankfully resolved now).

Now, we just let them get on with it. If she wants to fleece him and take him away from his kids and grandkids (and he allows it) it's their issue. We remain polite and dutiful but distant and know that we have each other (siblings etc). It doesn't bother me now but her dc often or photos up of their kids on social media with them and write things like "grandad's favourite granddaughter" which smarts like fuck.

Don't sign anything, don't let him dissolve the trust and just keep an eye. Expect the worst and know that if people are like this they often karmaically get their comeuppance one way or another. I will take great pleasure in telling people exactly what his gf is really like when the time comes.

Oh OP, I really feel for you. I know there’s the rational “he’s an adult and has the right to move on” but, but I’d be bloody gutted if my mother died and my father had a new woman in her bed so quickly.

It doesn't sound like it has been sensitively handled, so I don't blame you at all for being upset. But that doesn't mean it's malicious - it's likely your dad just doesn't know how best to manage everyone's feelings, and has therefore done a poor job.

If you all love each other, there is a way forward. Talk to him. Tell him you want him to be happy and you're happy for him to be in a new relationship, but you want him to be upfront and share openly with you. Tell him you find the lack of transparency disrespectful.

I also understand that he may not want your mother's things in the house as a sad reminder. It might be a good idea for you to suggest a clear out, and you can decide whether you want to keep things or donate them.

I feel for you too
My DF has gone through 7 girlfriends since his wife died and I was mortified for my step siblings who had only just lost their mother and he was one moment crying on their shoulder about missing her the next going on holiday with some woman using their mothers inheritance

There is a respectful way to behave towards others and this isn’t it. I also don’t begrudge my DF moving on for the same reasons but I have lost all respect for him in the way he has gone about it. Our relationship was already bad and this behaviour finished it off.
Mine also doesn’t bother with his DGC snd that in itself is so irritating.
All you were asking for was some adult respect and you didn’t get it. He’s entitled to live his life how he chooses but you can’t be expected to be happy about it when you feel that he has lied to you so much when there is no need to!

I am sorry to hear you have lost your DM. It is a really tough loss.
Firstly I think you have to sort out the legal stuff and maybe have a solicitor write officially to your father on behalf of your siblings and you clearly stating your jointly agreed wishes re the trust.
Secondly you need to make an inventory of all your late DM's jewellery and other items of sentimental and monetary valuables.
Thirdly the children you and siblings need to meet the gf. This is for two reasons. To get to know who your DF is spending time with and also to let her see that your DF has a good family around him.

It is difficult to introduce a new partner to adult children. Much more so than young children. Adult children are aware of things like inheritance etc. I get the impression that your DF knew there would be a fair bit of opposition. The sibling who is holding back the DGC could be making a huge mistake. Withholding DGC is not a negotiating tool it is nasty to the younger generation and the older generation. Causing further upset to DF who will still be remembering your late DM is not a nice way to deal with this situation.
Talking and getting to know the gf would be a better move. It looks to me that the gf knows how the adult children feel about her and is probably staying well back.
Think things through and discuss with siblings asap.
Sorry again about the loss of DM

The jewellery went missing shortly after she started staying over. We asked him about it but he just shrugged and said he didn’t care, to get Mum’s stuff out otherwise it was being thrown out.

^YANBU. Your father sounds like a cold hearted prick

My dad did exactly the same thing. He moved his new GF in but didn’t tell us. We went to the house as he asked us to move some bits and some other woman’s clothes etc were just in her space, drawers. Like she was simply replaced. He even gave her my mothers Chanel perfume which was left over because you know the dying, which she was using. Gross.

The funny thing is her mannerisms are exactly the same as the step mum from Fleabag. So that did give me a chuckle.

It is clear from your opening post that although you know deep inside that your father has a right to move on, emotionally, you and your siblings are hurt that he has and feels that he is belittling their marriage as a result.

It is normal to feel this way, but the truth is you don't know and probably will never know all the intrinsic details of their marriage. You would have seen the picture they wanted you to see. It is very possible they were not as close as they portrayed or if they were indeed very much in love, it is possible that he went through the process of grieving and acceptance of her death much sooner as she was diagnosed with her illness.

His way of dealing with it is clearly flawed but that's because he knows you are judging him deep inside and he doesn't want to be confronted with it because deep inside there is probably a battle of minds with him dealing with his shame whilst trying to convince himself that he entitled to be happy again.

You and your siblings need to respect how he's moved on even if quicker than you have. Show that you are genuinely happy for him even if it hurts. Be open about your feelings but don't do anything to make him feel guilty. Gradually he'll introducecher more into your life if it is to become serious long term.

He moved on after 1 year? Yeah, I'd cut him off.

@SoxonFeet
"Also the trust - the father has asked for it to be signed over. Maybe the house holds too many memories and he wishes to sell to a new home?"
The house can probably be sold anyway. It won't require the children signing over control to him.

I am assuming OP's mother left her half of the estate in trust with her DH allowed a lifetime interest in it. However, in such a situation a trust normally exists until a certain event is achieved such as an age being achieved by a beneficiary or the sale of a property.

For example, if the widower wishes to live there until death he can but in the event that he wishes to move house then the trustees realise their share of their DM's estate.

If he decides he wants to move then the house can be sold and he can receive his 60% of the value of the house (his 50% +20% of his late wife's half) and his 4 children receive their 10% each.

This father wants them to sign over control of their share. Why? There is absolutely no need to do so. Why does he need to control it? The only reason he can possibly have for wanting to do this to is to not honour his late wife's wishes regarding who to leave her estate to.