Dad’s new girlfriend

[Dazednconfused11]

First post so please bear with me. My wonderful mother died just over a year ago and my father has now met someone else. AIBU in being upset over this? Over the past 6 weeks or so he has lied constantly to the family about where he’s going and what he’s been doing. He hasn’t even told us that he is seeing someone yet the signs are obvious. Her clothing is hanging in the wardrobe next to my mothers clothes, her make up has been left lying around and they’ve been sleeping in my mother’s bed where she died. I find this extremely hurtful and disrespect to my mother. He invited her to a party where we all were and it was obvious they were together yet he still didn’t tell us or introduce her to us. My brother became very angry at him and an argument ensued then my brother left. He texted my father the next day to say he was sorry for the way in which he had spoken to him but not what he said. My brothers and sister all feel the same way and my brother is not prepared to let my father see his grandkids until this is sorted out. My father has ignored any communication with my brother and acting as if nothing has happened. We knew that he would meet someone else one day yet expected to be introduced/informed in an adult way. I know he’s entitled to his own life and privacy but he’s pushing all his children away with his behaviour. The whole situation is getting me down and don’t really want to be around him as fe he is constantly lying to me. Has anyone any advice or been through similar. Sorry for long post. Thanks

I agree he should have told you all. Think maybe sit down with you out of decency but he has a right to move on. He is still here and sadly his life must go on. I am a widow 3 years now and at first I swore I'd be alone forever but I know now that I don't have to be and it wouldn't be wrong if I did. Currently I have no interest in finding someone else because I have been giving myself time to grieve. Time to adjust to my new life that I didnt want. Time to find out who the new me was. One day I will meet someone and despite it being a while I know I will be extremely nervous to tell my children who are young and the rest of my family but when I do I will be honest. So I understand the betrayal of silence and sneakiness if you will but I also believe Dad was afraid to hurt you all.

Aside from the fact that your father’s sex life is none of your business, where did you expect him to sleep with his girlfriend? Was the bed supposed to be kept as a shrine to your mother?

Your father is an adult. Let him manage his relationship as he sees fit. Sorry, but you and your siblings are coming across as quite controlling of him, which is probably why he wants to enjoy his new relationship without your interference.

Your brother refusing to allow him contact with his grandkids until the situation is “sorted out” (what does that even mean?) is ridiculous. Is your dad suddenly a danger to the grandkids because he got a girlfriend without his children’s permission? To me, it reads like he’s giving your dad a consequence for not toeing the line.

I know I’m coming across as harsh. I’m sorry you lost your mum, I really am. But if your dad is ready to move on, you will have to accept it, like it or not.

I'd be upset too op! And I would personally be wary of getting into a relationship with a man that had so recently lost his wife because I'd be wondering if I was replacing her. If she's a gold digger she may not care about that aspect of it.

I can see why you're all upset but I think men are very needy and seem to move on very quickly. Just try to keep lines of communication open between you.

I think YABU.

Your dad is entitled to meet someone but it does sound like he handled it badly. I think as an adult you need to understand that parents make mistakes as well. Why don't you try and start afresh and ask to meet his new partner with your family on neutral territory, maybe just go for a walk or take the kids out and try to be welcoming?

This had happened to some family friends of ours and now the dad is happily married to a lovely lovely woman but the dad handled it badly and the kids (both mid thirties!) are stubborn and now no one really speaks and it is just so so sad

If you can bring yourself to do it I think you should try to break the negative deadlock and be kind to your dad and the new woman. It also sounds like you find the clothes hanging very disrespectful which I understand but also it has been a year. Can you ask one of your mum's friends to help your dad clear out the clothes so you can see he is moving forward.

Good luck, this must be so painful and so sorry about your mum.

I fully expect him to move on with someone else, I certainly don’t want him to be unhappy or lonely. It’s the way he has handled it that hurts.

Tell him this then. Draw a line under it all and start afresh. Get him to introduce you all properly and be genuinely happy for him. That doesn't mean that it's unreasonable to feel as you do. It's just unreasonable to show it and stop your father's chances of moving on and being happy.

If she's stealing then that's different, but it sounds as if your df is happy for her to have things that you don't want.

Your father feels awkward so has instead not said anything fearful of your reaction. What does seem odd that between you you haven't cleared your mother's clothes and makeup - doing it together is a way of giving him the indication that you accept your mother has gone in a way. I just helped a friend do this 9 months after his wife death and he confided he's just joined a dating site (the length of time varies but please do understand that your dad isn't replacing your mum but is filling a void in his life)

Why the hell would OP be genuinely happy if she’s concerned the girlfriend is stealing her late mother’s jewellery and manipulating her father financially?

It happens all the bloody time. Men are so easily led by their penises. In the OPs situation I too would be very apprehensive when it comes to motive if my father was acting completely out of character.

If your mum and dad had separate rooms, why is she sleeping in your mum's bed? If she's sleeping with your dad, she'd be in his bed, surely? Do you mean she's taken over your mum's old room?

Sadly, older men do seem to do this. It won't mean he cares any less about you (or even your mum), but they really don't like having to live alone (whether it's to have someone to do their washing and cooking or just companionship I couldn't say). You see it as disrespectful, he sees it as moving on.

I think you have to separate your grief for your mum from your dad's current life. Maybe stay a little distant and don't over involve yourself in his life unless he asks you or is clearly being made a fool of (although how you'd deal with that I've no idea!). Withholding contact from grandchildren just seems petty and spiteful.

The jewellery went missing before he wanted us to take it. Mum went through it before she died and told us what she wanted us to have so we know what was there. They slept in different rooms due to her illness and the house is very large with plenty of bedrooms. As I keep saying I’m not against him moving on I just thought it would have been handled differently. I’d be happy that I wouldn’t have to worry about him as much as I do just now and that there would be someone there to love and support him it’s just the dismissive way towards me that has upset me.

"when he did meet someone we would be introduced and they’d integrate into the family but it hasn’t worked out like that."

Did you and your Siblings do that, with every person ypu had an interest in?

This might shock you, but older people can have casual sex as well.

He might not count it as 'meeting someone'. He might think of it that he's met someone to meet up with.

You're all forcing him to declare what this relationship is, when they might just be going with the flow.

It's common for older people to not settle down. People who would never have casually hooked up in their younger years and it can be a shock to the family.

She's the first person he's been with after his wife. He might not have known how he'd feel, or how he does feel.

I'm Widowed, my youngest is 22. I'm thinking about starting dating. That doesn't mean that my children have to know.

Using the contact with the Grandchildren is out of order. Do you not value the relationship that the children have with your father?

The kids adore him but he makes plans with them then doesn’t show up and they’re left waiting and disappointed. When he does turn up he talks to them for 5 minutes then either plays on his phone or leaves as soon as he can.

"Get him to introduce you all properly"

There's two people in this and she might not be ready for that.

Putting these conditions on their relationship, isn't fair or right.

I think he's rediscovering life.

But he could be using her as a distraction, to get through the last bit of grief.

There are some rather serious issues her TBH. Firstly your Mothers Jewellery should have been offered up to you ASAP. Secondly it seems as though he is acting unfairly regarding your Trust Fund .Do not sign anything at all !(May be worth a trip to Solictors to see what they say!).Is your Father well off ,if so could be that he is being taken for a ride.,Maybe not but I think you need to sit down with him for a Heart to Heart .A year is not that long for all of you but he obviously feels ready to "move on" .Many men just cant cope on their own for any length of time it seems !

Some odd replies on here. Of course her Dad is entitled to move on, but this was his wife, the mother of his children, and he should have been more sensitive, and introduced the new GF properly.

By the way, I'm surprised more people haven't commented on him trying to ALTER A FINANCIAL ARRANGEMENT, NOW THE NEW WOMAN HAS ARRIVED. Sorry for caps, but it seems to have been missed.
What is the arrangment, OP? I'm guesing that your Mum left her share of the house to her children, rather than her husband, maybe, or it inculdes a fair amount of shares/cash/property? It's rarely done for a few quid!

The trust is in place for mum’s half of the estate and is split evenly 5 ways between dad and the 4 kids. He wanted it signed over so he would have complete control but we were advised by the solicitor against this. He’s an extremely wealthy man now mum has gone.

Oh OP YANBU at all. My amazing mammy died and left us all bereft. Dad met someone about 2 years later and it still hurt like hell. He had dipped his toe in previously and dated a year after she passed and my sister totally flipped. I get it - they were together 50 years and it did feel like he was pissing on her memory- but like others have said I just think that older men feel a huge gap as mam did everything for him and they were together constantly.

The woman he's met is just lovely- a year on from meeting her I get on brilliantly with her and she has been great for him- she has the measure of him, keeps him in line and they do lots of things together, whereas he did nothing on his own and was very, very down all the time. She's the best thing that could have happened- we have them for dinner and my DC love her.

The way it was done is imp though- it was very gradual and made sure we were ready. They don't live together and she's stated they never will- she likes her independence- which makes it easier I think.

Sadly, my eldest sister doesn't want to know. She doesn't have the best relationship with dad anyway and seems to think he can do what he wants but doesn't want to know her. It's a bit crap as I can't see everyone together for birthdays and parties, but hey ho, you just get used to it.

Good luck OP. It's not easy.

No wonder he didn't tell you.

There are so many posts here about not introducing new partners to your children until you're certain the relationship is going somewhere. And that can apply just as easily to parents of adult children, especially after a relatively recent bereavement.
What you interpret as 'keeping a secret' was probably simply cautiousness and sensitivity.

My mum started a new relationship in the same time frame after my father died. Of course it's difficult, but one has to acknowledge that it's their right to do so. We met the guy, he was pleasant and decent. It was up to us to get over it. When he sat in my dad's chair, of course I found it difficult. But it's part of our own moving on, as well as our parents.

Your brother should absolutely not punish his father (and his kids) by refusing him access to his grandchildren. That's cruel and unnecessary and you should tell him so.

I'm sorry for your loss, but you all have to act reasonably here.

Maybe he’s not coping with lots of things both gilt from moving on but needed to due to an inability to be without companionship?

I’m sure this is misworded but when you took what you wanted did you discuss actually helping disposing the rest with him and whether he wanted help getting a skip/ taking to the charity shop? This is what we did with mum when my dad died although she wanted to do it herself it helped her driving to the charity shop and me taking it in for example ( I don’t drive but would have got man with a van whatever she wanted). It may be if the signs of your mum are gone ( you have your memories) you can all move on more easily. My cousin warned me when my dad died to make sure to get on with it immediately as they didn’t and her dad now lives in a house 8 years later with my aunts room untouched and him refusing to let them touch it. This just leaves everyone in a bit of limbo.

Just as a curiosity- If they had separate rooms how come the lady friend has been in your mums bed. That is grim but I would guess she doesn’t know.

Just read your update! This changes everything! I cannot believe he wanted sole control. What is the man thinking?! What a way to give your children the cold shoulder. If he's very wealthy you need to be very, very careful. Poor you.

That’s the kind of relationship I’d envisaged it hopefully being. I’d like someone there to stand by him, keep him in line etc and to have everyone together for birthdays, events etc. I know it wouldn’t be easy and she would never replace my mum but it would be someone for him and eventually maybe even someone for all of us. I’ve learnt over the past 2 years life is very fragile and to be enjoyed as much as possible

My dad met someone else and moved her in about a year after Mum died
I think it’s very usual that men quickly move on like this
He did at least have the decency to tell us
He left her everything in his will , which hurts a lot

We asked if he wanted help with the rest of her things, between 5 people it would be a lot easier but he stated he was just going to throw them out.

Why does it matter how he handled it if the underlying behaviour is still the same? He’s an adult, he’s obviously just enjoying things and not taking it too seriously. He doesn’t have to tell you every time he’s dating.

I don’t think he’s done anything wrong personally.