Dad’s new girlfriend

[Dazednconfused11]

First post so please bear with me. My wonderful mother died just over a year ago and my father has now met someone else. AIBU in being upset over this? Over the past 6 weeks or so he has lied constantly to the family about where he’s going and what he’s been doing. He hasn’t even told us that he is seeing someone yet the signs are obvious. Her clothing is hanging in the wardrobe next to my mothers clothes, her make up has been left lying around and they’ve been sleeping in my mother’s bed where she died. I find this extremely hurtful and disrespect to my mother. He invited her to a party where we all were and it was obvious they were together yet he still didn’t tell us or introduce her to us. My brother became very angry at him and an argument ensued then my brother left. He texted my father the next day to say he was sorry for the way in which he had spoken to him but not what he said. My brothers and sister all feel the same way and my brother is not prepared to let my father see his grandkids until this is sorted out. My father has ignored any communication with my brother and acting as if nothing has happened. We knew that he would meet someone else one day yet expected to be introduced/informed in an adult way. I know he’s entitled to his own life and privacy but he’s pushing all his children away with his behaviour. The whole situation is getting me down and don’t really want to be around him as fe he is constantly lying to me. Has anyone any advice or been through similar. Sorry for long post. Thanks

There's no fool like an old fool

@EileenAlana that is an incredibly judgemental thing to deduce from this scenario. Bereaved older people have every right to relationships, and there's no reason to assume anything about this woman other than that she likes the OP's father. Who we have no reason to take for a fool.

So if you're happy for someone to be there for him and him to move on, why is all this so upsetting? Because he hasn't done it in the way that you'd expected him to? Did he know what the rules were?

I'm not unsympathetic, I promise. You are allowed to have your own feelings, of course you are, but as adults we need to acknowledge our feelings but not let them overwhelm or dictate to us.

"Since she died we have tried to be involved with his life, making sure he’s looked after, fed etc and attends his medical appointments"
"That’s the kind of relationship I’d envisaged it hopefully being. I’d like someone there to stand by him, keep him in line etc and to have everyone together for birthdays, events etc"

Did your Father dictate all of his children's sex lives? Have you followed a career path that he picked for you all?

I know it's difficult. I've had to tell my 34 year old DD straight. I'm a single independent adult and it's a new phase of my life. Many of my friends have had to do the same.

I don't have the constraints of wanting children, struggling with a career, getting a house etc. So how i view the dating game and any relationships may not be something they understand.

You're used to seeing your dad within his marriage to your mother and want him to stay in that box.

What you want doesn't get to dictate his life.

Sure he's entitled to carry on with his life, as so many threads on MN show this often translates as turning his back on his children. He wants control of the Trust so that he can give more to the GF.

I can't help wondering this too. He is well off in his own right (presumably), but your mother's share of the estate was legally ring-fenced for the children. Why aren't his current assets enough, why does he have to have it ALL??

I wonder how long it took for you and your siblings to introduce each of your sexual partners to your parents, OP.

This is the bit I find most bizarre. The you're all annoyed that he kept this relationship a 'secret'. Were all your relationships secret until they got introduced to your parents? Or were they just simply your private business until you were ready for them to be introduced?

Mother loss is really fucking hard. It’s been almost 15 years since my mum died and I still miss her every single day.

Bereavement can bring out the worst in people - I would suggest going low contact and getting some grief counselling for you (and perhaps your siblings, too).

For all you know your father could’ve given the jewellery bits to his new lady friend, or told her to help herself (after all, no one was using it). I’d try not to focus on her, but instead put yourself first and talk it through with a professional.

I was in a similar position with my step father, who actually started dating one of my mum’s best friends! In hindsight though, they were both lonely and made easy company for each other. It felt very hurtful at the time but with some distance, I realise their feelings and behaviours were not my business.

These books helped me enormously:

www.amazon.co.uk/Motherless-Daughters-Legacy-Loss-Anniversary/dp/0738217735/ref=pd_bxgy_14_img_2/257-3477970-1688218?psc=1&pf_rd_p=7a9d3b22-47b7-4932-be38-57f4219c3325&_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_wg=609tt&pf_rd_r=SPFEYMRKMBY2VYZH6WBJ&pd_rd_i=0738217735&pd_rd_w=RhnU2&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&refRID=SPFEYMRKMBY2VYZH6WBJ&pd_rd_r=6292db96-f454-4a48-9294-cbccc33dbee5

www.amazon.co.uk/Motherless-Mothers-Losing-Mother-Shapes/dp/0060532467/ref=pd_lpo_sbs_14_t_1?psc=1&_encoding=UTF8&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&refRID

www.amazon.co.uk/Letters-Motherless-Daughters-Courage-Healing/dp/0738217530/ref=pd_bxgy_14_img_3/257-3477970-1688218?psc=1&pf_rd_p=7a9d3b22-47b7-4932-be38-57f4219c3325&_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_wg=609tt&pf_rd_r=SPFEYMRKMBY2VYZH6WBJ&pd_rd_i=0738217530&pd_rd_w=RhnU2&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&refRID&pd_rd_r=6292db96-f454-4a48-9294-cbccc33dbee5

(A man with van turned up at my house one Sunday morning and dropped off several bin bags of my mum’s clothes, her make up and toiletries, a massive box of family photos and my nana’s old sewing machine. The day before my stepdad had decided he didn’t want to look at it any more. Grief makes people weird).

How is everyone missing the jewellery part? Would you all be happy to take a dead woman's jewellery?

Just to add, i don't want to be seen as some sort of stepmother to adult children, or take on Grandchildren.

I wouldn't object to having daus out, him with his and me with mine. But I'm not getting entangled within their lives.

I know many older people feel the same.

It's sometimes easier to keep wider family at arms length and just enjoy the time you have with each other.

Your ability to handle bullshit and stress gets, less as you age.

"How is everyone missing the jewellery part? Would you all be happy to take a dead woman's jewellery?"

As of yet, it isn't known if she has.

(and don't RTFT)
Ever consider that they did but disagree with your interpretation?

ALSO about the jewelry - in your earlier posts you’re saying that he’s asking you to remove your mothers stuff. In your later posts you’re saying that it was his idea to do it ‘when you’re all ready’. Even if it was originally his idea, he is the one who has to live in the house containing constant, daily reminders of his wife. That must have been SO painful and SO hard for him, and it sounds like he made it very clear that he wanted the stuff gone any none of your siblings made the effort to go round and collect the belongings. Maybe he just gave away some of the stuff as nobody else was doing it, and he obviously couldn’t live around it anymore? I think assuming that his girlfriend stole them is quite a big leap and without evidence it’s not a fair accusation.

*Statistically men in happy marriages are more likely to get into anoher serious relationship quickly though.

Really? There are statistics available for such things?*

Yes really, there has been a lot of academic research on it.

Men are more likely to remarry than women - it's thought that women are more likely to enjoy the freedom from a relationship and find support in their social circle than from a partner relationship.

Men or women who recover from their grief quickly - which generally means they had happy relationships and so are in a psychologically good place - are more likely to date again quickly.

As of yet, it isn't known if she has.

It's a bit weird though that the dad won't answer questions on it. And simultaneously won't answer questions on the new girlfriend. It is suspicious.

If she did though, do you think that's right? Would you have taken it? That's my question.

Grief makes people weird

It certainly does. However, I'm not sure it makes somebody attempt to gain control of property and assets that their dead wife expressely left to their children...........

To be clear, I have never stated that she stole them I stated that things had gone missing

"He tried to get us to dissolve a legal trust as well which we have refused to do."
The leaving her stuff still in her room sounds very passive, but wanting to dissolve a legal trust - that's not passive in the slightest.

"He wanted it signed over so he would have complete control but we were advised by the solicitor against this. He’s an extremely wealthy man now mum has gone."
Sorry, but if he's extremely wealthy even without that trust being dissolved; I would suspect that his 'girlfriend' is either asset-stripping him, or his ?desire to impress? her is activating the less savoury parts of his personality. Sorry .

@Cheeserton

Given the number of posters who have clearly ignored the OP's updates, I'm pretty sure it safe to say that people don't RTFT.
Attaching importance to facts such as the OP's father attempting to alter his late wife's Will is not an "interpretation"

Honestly OP, you have lost your mum. Now don’t go and loose your dad in the pettiness of some belongings/jewellery.

He cannot introduce her to you as a new partner until he is clear she will be around in the long term so introducing her casually may have backfired but it is not the wrong way to do things.

He has the right to move on, how quickly that happens is his call. The fact they had separate bedrooms makes me think they may have not been close to each other long before she passed. He should be feeling quite upset at seeing you all behaving like this.

There were two widowers in my extended family, they both moved on within a year despite being with the most wonderfully lovely women I have met. The two of them faced different reactions from their children, with both of them having kids who welcomed the new partners and who fiercely rejected them.

The only thing I can say is that those children who accepted the new comer are still enjoying the unity of their own family (and grateful the new partner has been so good at taking care of their dad. The other ones are still marinating in their own hate and their children missing out on a wonderful grandfather.

That’s the kind of relationship I’d envisaged it hopefully being. I’d like someone there to stand by him, keep him in line etc and to have everyone together for birthdays, events etc

It may be the kind of relationship you envisaged, but that doesn’t mean it’s the type of relationship your DF actually wants.
I get it to an extent... my dad remarried to someone the exact opposite of what I imagined. But you know what, he’s happy and that’s essentially all I can hope for.
Do not sign anything re trusts though. And take a solicitors advice for all financial matters.

The fact they had separate bedrooms makes me think they may have not been close to each other long before she passed.
Already stated that was due to her illness.

I understand the hiding of the relationship, but for one I wouldn’t take any jewellery belonging to a partners dead wife, I’m sorry that’s gross,I mean if he didn’t have children give it to charity or something,

Mind you I wouldn’t be in a relationship with someone who’d just been widowed the year before

It’s goes to show that you have to properly sort out wills and not leave it to your partner because even if you’ve been happily married for 50 yrs , your dh/dw/partner can fuck over your wishes

I would try to speak to the woman about the jewellery. Maybe word it that your father may not have realised that your mother had promised those things to her children and you’re not blaming her her him If she is a decent person then she will return them, if not then your have your answer on the type of person she is.

Or not second her

So you haven't taken the things your mother indicated she'd like you to have but you're keeping a careful eye on everything? Might your father have just put these items somewhere else so he doesn't have to have them around him? Or has someone been through all the drawers etc looking?

OP I agree with PP that you are being quite unfair on your DF and his new GF.

You have no idea if that jewelry has been put elsewhere, given to charity, binned. You have no idea why your DF is reluctant to introduce you to her. It may be that he feels you are not ready, that he is not ready, or maybe she is not ready? Or maybe it's a casual thing and he doesn't see the point?

You do need to take a step back here. Do you tell your DF all about your relationships? He has been seeing her for six weeks, yes? Did you introduce every new partner to your family after six weeks? It's no time at all.

Re the Trust - YANBU at all. I doubt this has any connection to his six week old relationship though.