Dad’s new girlfriend

[Dazednconfused11]

First post so please bear with me. My wonderful mother died just over a year ago and my father has now met someone else. AIBU in being upset over this? Over the past 6 weeks or so he has lied constantly to the family about where he’s going and what he’s been doing. He hasn’t even told us that he is seeing someone yet the signs are obvious. Her clothing is hanging in the wardrobe next to my mothers clothes, her make up has been left lying around and they’ve been sleeping in my mother’s bed where she died. I find this extremely hurtful and disrespect to my mother. He invited her to a party where we all were and it was obvious they were together yet he still didn’t tell us or introduce her to us. My brother became very angry at him and an argument ensued then my brother left. He texted my father the next day to say he was sorry for the way in which he had spoken to him but not what he said. My brothers and sister all feel the same way and my brother is not prepared to let my father see his grandkids until this is sorted out. My father has ignored any communication with my brother and acting as if nothing has happened. We knew that he would meet someone else one day yet expected to be introduced/informed in an adult way. I know he’s entitled to his own life and privacy but he’s pushing all his children away with his behaviour. The whole situation is getting me down and don’t really want to be around him as fe he is constantly lying to me. Has anyone any advice or been through similar. Sorry for long post. Thanks

OP, if your mum told you to take things and what she'd like you to have why, months after her death, hadn't you done it? Why hadn't you taken her jewellery to remember her by? Or was your dad somehow supposed to understand that it was his job to keep it all until you were ready?

He seems to understand you rather better than you do him. He kept his new relationship from you because he knew you'd be upset – and he was right.

It's not that I'm not sympathetic to you – my own mother died some years ago and I know the hole that leaves in you – but you seem to be adopting a very passive role in this. It seems to me as if you've done nothing pro-active and you're just kicking out at what your dad is doing. It's childish, teenage behaviour. Your father has his own life and it doesn't revolve around you. You need to grow up and acknowledge this. He's getting older and if a chance of happiness comes his way why should he refuse it?

Is there stuff getting in the way for you? Did you have a complex relationship with your mum or dad or both? Are you projecting your own stuff around your mum onto your dad? I ask because a friend of mine who'd had a difficult relationship with her mother and had been quite unpleasant to her in the final years of her mother's life seemed to transfer her anger onto her father after her mother's death. Your response is striking a similar chord with me.

It took my mum more than four years to die of cancer. It was a long, long time for my dad to grieve as he cared for her. He lost his old life with her long before she died and was ready to move on within a year of her actual death and I can understand that and imagine my mum approving.

Be an adult. Book some sessions with a bereavement counsellor (there are often free or highly subsidised local services available) and work through your own stuff around your mum's death. Go with your siblings and take what you want from your mother's belonging. Ask your dad and his new friend out for an informal pub lunch or similar and get to know her. She's not going to replace your mother and who knows, she may be a good thing for your father and for you.

Some of the Mothers jewellery has gone missing and the father wants to dissolve a legal trust concerning the ownership of the property - apart from a few posters, why is no-one bothered about this.
OP, I think your brother has the right idea keeping the kids away until this has been sorted. I think the words "no fool like an old fool* are very apt.

I really hope she’s not a gold digger.

Sounds like she is since she's possibly stealing a dead woman's jewellery.

I wouldn't accept her into the family on that alone. Even if he did offer her it, it's still quite disgusting to take it. I wouldn't ever take jewellery that belonged to a man's dead partner. It should stay in the family unless they want to sell it, but I would never buy it. She's horrid.

If you find out she did take it, go nc with both of them and let him be made bankrupt by the gold digger. And don't let him back either once she vanishes.

Men are so easily led by their penises.

Nice. Doesn't he have the right to try and move on and be happy? Sure it sounds like he's not handling it great, but then it's likely extremely awkward for him too, oddly enough. Not sure why this merits slagging off the entire gender.

OP, sorry but you're being unreasonable about the relationship. Yes it's sensitive for you understandably, but there's no rules here about what he has to do or not with introducing etc.

Sex* not gender

I didn’t have a complex relationship with either of them. It was a normal upbringing. Dad didn’t look after mum when she was dying it was all the kids that did everything even after she died. Not because he didn’t care but because he didn’t really know what to do and we respected that. Since she died we have tried to be involved with his life, making sure he’s looked after, fed etc and attends his medical appointments. Nothing was taken after she died as we ALL agreed that we would wait until we were ready and do it all together which hasn’t worked out that way.

I understand why you're upset but your dad has a right to move on with his life. Many people don't want to live alone and life is short.

I don't fully understand the issue over the jewellery but it's pretty distasteful to imply that this woman has stolen it. Your father may have given it to her, he may have given it to someone else or something else might have happened. Your mum asked you to take the pieces you wanted and you haven't done so, and your father has said the same. It's very hard losing your mum but you can't expect things to just remain as they were. It's not healthy. Please try not to let this ruin the relationship with your father.

The trust is another issue entirely and it's hard to know whether the 2 issues are linked or whether you're just hurting.

For those who think the OP is being unfair and controlling, (and don't RTFT)

We asked if he wanted help with the rest of her things, between 5 people it would be a lot easier but he stated he was just going to throw them out

I’d like someone there to stand by him, keep him in line etc and to have everyone together for birthdays, events etc. I know it wouldn’t be easy and she would never replace my mum but it would be someone for him and eventually maybe even someone for all of us. I’ve learnt over the past 2 years life is very fragile and to be enjoyed as much as possible

The Trust is in place for mum’s half of the estate and is split evenly 5 ways between dad and the 4 kids. He wanted it signed over so he would have complete control but we were advised by the solicitor against this. He’s an extremely wealthy man now mum has gone

Be careful, OP, you may need to emotionally prepare yourself for more. Do not sign away anything.

As an aside, it was amazing how many "helpful" ladies appeared once my mother had died. Dad was late 70's, in good health, very sociable and didn't need anyone to cook for him, or drive him around. It was also amazing how quickly they disappeared once he mentioned his (very nice) home was left entirely to his kids........

OP, I took so long responding to your post that things have moved on a lot and you've clarified several issues, making my points redundant.

I think @saraclara's response on the previous page is really useful. This was always going to be difficult and your father may well have decided not to introduce anyone to you until he was pretty sure it was going to be an on-going relationship.

Get some bereavement counselling and take good legal advice re the trust. Take what you want to remember your mother by now. It's going to take some time for you all to settle down into the new normal and it's not going to be easy, but you need to be adult about it.

Did she have a long illness? I only ask as some people are very different and with finding out illness is going to be life ending a lot of grieving might have been done before. It seems insensitive to move on and not speak to you all about it but perhaps an honest, open conversation with him might be the best way. You can tell him you are upset and not ready to meet her and equally he would have to opportunity to explain that he is ready to start dating or whatever. Its ok to feel upset, but it is his right to live his life. I'm sorry to hear about your mum

Be very careful over the jewellery. Unbeknownst to me, my mother has been telling people that my SIL (who she doesn't like) stole her jewellery. It was only recently that my mum told me this story. Given that the jewellery she accuses SIL of stealing is the exact same jewellery that my mum gave to my daughters years ago, I was less than impressed, and told her so.

My mum died suddenly a year ago. My dad and I are still grieving, it's still extremely raw. It still hurts just as much as it did the day she died.

I can't imagine him moving on so 'soon.' They were married for 27 years.
I've asked him if he thinks he'll meet anyone else (he's very young still - 53) and he said never.

Trying to think how I'd feel if I found out he had a new partner. I would react the same as you if I'm honest.
YANBU.

No one can dictate your feelings to you in this situation. Your feelings are yours, no matter if others feel they're ridiculous.

A very wealthy widower in a large house? I'm guessing that he's not really old if he plays with his phone a lot.

I'd be concerned too.

OP, I was wide of the mark – sorry. Was it really reasonable of you children to leave your father living surrounded by all your mother's stuff until you were all ready to dispose of it? I don't know. I wouldn't have asked that of my dad.

It sounds as if your father has been very used to being taken care of. My own father was similar: wasn't used to be on his own and looking after himself. He'd managed the domestic side of things when my mum was ill but gave up once she'd gone. It's natural that he'd be looking for someone to take over the role you and your siblings have provided since your mother's illness. I ended up feeling grateful to the widow he eventually took up with. They didn't end up living together full-time but she looked after him and released us from a lot of concern.

Is there any evidence this woman stole the jewellery? Sounds like your father could’ve given it to his new lady friend. All the accusations of theft seem like people are jumping to conclusions.

Also the trust - the father has asked for it to be signed over. Maybe the house holds too many memories and he wishes to sell to a new home?

It’s been a year. A year of him living with the memories of his wife, and has probably been very lonely for him.

I’d advise you to approach him OP and have a genuine chat - but you’d have to want to be happy for him to move on, and I don’t think you’re there yet, which is probably why he is keeping it low key for the moment.

YANBU to feel upset they your dad is moving on, you can’t control your feelings. However I do feel YABU to expect him him to move on in a way that suits you and your siblings. Grief is personal, and there is not a set timescale for this.

I lost my dad 6 months ago after a very long terminal illness. I don’t want my mum to be alone for the rest of her life if she feels she wants to share it with a new partner. A few months ago, I sat down and told her if she ever felt she wanted to move on, I was OK with it. Whilst I’m sure it would be awkward, Dad was my dad, and nobody could ever take his place. I wanted her to know it was ok to move on when she was ready.

This may sound a very strange conversation and it may have been driven by the fact we have had many years to grieve during Dad’s illness, but it’s one I felt I needed to have before the situation arose, and feelings got in the way. I know in my rational mind that I am OK with this, but also know my judgement may be clouded if/when this happens. I suppose I am very lucky to have a very honest and open relationship with my Mum.

Also the trust - the father has asked for it to be signed over. Maybe the house holds too many memories and he wishes to sell to a new home?

Well, maybe they can all agree to do that, and he and the new woman can take the 20% he is entitled to.

I also think YANBU to refuse to change the trust arrangements. That would set alarm bells ringing for me too.

As I’ve already stated I’d be happy for someone to be there for him and move on. And he can sell his house at any point If he wishes. I can’t stop that and would actually by very happy for that to happen.

I didn’t ask for my dad to lI’ve his life surrounded by mum’s stuff. But it was an agreement we would do it all together when we were ready and HE suggested it. He didn’t bring it up so we assumed he wasn’t ready for it.

That should read the 20% of his late wife's half that he is entitled to

Your dad probably hid his relationship because he knew he wasn't going to be wrongly judged for it by his family.

All these posters talking about men moving on probably have no clue what they're talking about, being widowed is one of those things that you really can't judge on until it happens to you. 'Moving on' doesn't just happen in a neat little line with a definite end to grieving before a new relationship to start. People's hearts don't work like that. It's entirely possible for your dad to love and miss his wife at the same time as developing new feelings for someone's else. I realise that can be a hard concept to understand, but if you don't understand then it means you're simply lucky enough never to have lost the person you love to their death.

As for the jewellery, you were asked to take what you want, I don't think you can expect any more than that. You probably have no idea how painful it is to continually see a persons things around the house when they are no longer here. Wanting those things gone doesn't mean that the person has been forgotten about, or moved on from, it can be that it just hurts too much to keep seeing them.

As you can probably tell, I have personal experience of this, so I'm trying not to project, but I think you're getting opinions here from people who (thankfully for them) have no clue about what they're talking about.

There's no fool like an old fool. How old is the GF? Is she known to any of you?
Is the house your father's living in part of your late mother's estate? If it is & unless there's something in the Trust that specifically forbids it then if I was in your place then I'd move in & rent my own house out. The more children the better. The GF could've spoken to any of you at the family event & brought the conversation round to their relationship in a pleasant way but I'd guess she was there marking her territory. not looking to make friends. She sounds like a right gold digger & it would do no harm to let her know that she's only getting her feet under half the table.
Your father's likely to squander his wealth on the new woman & in the end leave her, or the next one, anything he still has left when he dies. Anything in the house that you're legally entitled to take should be taken now while it's still there. Things like photos of your late mother etc could end up in the bin so sort through what you want & take them too.
Sure he's entitled to carry on with his life, as so many threads on MN show this often translates as turning his back on his children. He wants control of the Trust so that he can give more to the GF. To some men a lifetime with a wife building a home & raising children together means SFA. Out of sight out of mind.

Sorry to say, you probably are being a bit unreasonable OP. Though I have to say I think some of the other posters on here could have been a little more sensitive to your situation....

Maybe your Dad knows that you would react like this and thats why he's not introduced you to her yet? Try and give her a chance at least,
she might be a perefectly nice person and probably feels as awkward as you do. Men are really awful at coping on their own and generally do move on fairly quickly after a spouse dies, especially if their marriage/relationship with their late partner was a happy one.

Sorry for your loss but you and your siblings are being very unreasonable and quite selfish. You aren’t the only people who have lost someone, your poor father has lost his wife. He deserves another chance at happiness. Do you really expect him to be alone and miserable and grieving for the rest of his life? I can’t imagine ever wishing anything but happiness for my father and i would be encouraging him to get out there and meet people and try to move on. Honestly I feel a bit like you’re being very immature and for your brother to stop your dad seeing his grandkids over this is shocking. Of course he could have dealt with it better but honestly maybe he didn’t know how to? Maybe he predicted how you and your siblings would react and so didn’t know what to say or how to handle it. He’s probably never been in this situation before, as most people haven’t! I think you need to be kinder and more thoughtful to your dad, and consider whether you actually want him to give up on finding happiness again after his loss.