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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be livid with this woman (asked dd to waitress)

170 replies

Trewser · 07/09/2019 09:07

Dd waitressed last night at the birthday party of a girl we vaguely know. It was a big posh combined 18th and 21st. Dd is a great waitress and has done it part time for 3 years.

The party was at the parents house in a marquee etc etc. She told me this morning that it was full of drugs, all the kids were horrible and rude ("I need more booze!" "Just hold on a minute" "i need it now (whispered) you fucking peasant") was one example. They were all taking ketamine and the girl whose party it was told dd that she'd dropped a bag of ket and could dd keep an eye out on the floor. Dd ignored her but she kept demanding dd look for it. There was drug residue all over the side in the loos. To make it even more of a rank experience the boy who was sharing the party grabbed dds boobs from behind.

Dd is laughing it off this morning but said it was one of the worst experiences of her life!

I am livid and feel like texting the mum (who I have known for ages although we are not particularly friendly just acquaintances).

I am not actually going to text her, just need to vent! AIBU about the drugs? I know teens take drugs but to be so blatant about it!

OP posts:
sweetiepie1979 · 07/09/2019 09:55

cherryPavlova
Awful response gloating horrid.
Empathy? Here is not the forum to gloat at ones own circumstance when another is in distress at theirs

Solihooley · 07/09/2019 09:56

It’s not normal at ‘posh’ 21st’s.

I can assure you, it’s standard.

Original poster
Trewser · 07/09/2019 09:57

That was quite an odd post cherry.

Fwiw, dd has lots of lovely friends and has been to many 18ths. None in Europe, none particularly glamorous, but all fun!

OP posts:
Fleetheart · 07/09/2019 09:58

I think if your daughter doesn’t want you to say anything you shouldn’t. You don’t want her not telling you stuff in the future. The boy grabbing her boobs is bad but surely no one would actually carry through an assault charge for this, particularly if your daughter doesn’t want to. It sounds awful but not entirely surprising for some of these posh kids.

Sooverthemill · 07/09/2019 09:59

I don't think you are being unreasonable to be livid but your DD is an adult, seemed to handle it very well and it's up to her to decide what action she wants to take. If she feels the boy grabbing her warrants police action then support her in doing so. Otherwise, although I'd think DD should tell the person who employed her what happened throughout and say she won't be working for her again and will advise everyone she knows to avoid it too. Ultimately she's an adult and does sound like she got through a horrible experience. Poor girl

Fleetheart · 07/09/2019 10:01

Gosh, you must know some truly hideous people and be really unlucky with the youngsters who your daughter went to school with. I think we’ve been really fortunate. My daughter is doing the rounds of 21st birthdays at the moment and is having a fabulous time drifting around the U.K. and abroad to some very extravagant affairs

@CherryPavlova, are you Hyancinth Bouquet??? What kind of ridiculous response is this???

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 07/09/2019 10:02

I can assure you, it’s standard.

Where you are, maybe. Not standard everywhere.

Vulpine · 07/09/2019 10:03

I'll be honest that's always been my impression of private school kids

Medievalist · 07/09/2019 10:04

If I were you op I'd be congratulating myself on having produced such a sensible, resilient dd who was able to cope with such an awful situation. And that you have such a close relationship that she feels she can tell you what went on and not have you fly off the handle and do/say something which might backfire on her.

Like you, I'd be itching to say something, but it sounds like the mum knew exactly what was going on.

I would say to her that she could have just walked away - she didn't have to stay and endure that sort of treatment. I'd also say that she should have tipped a tray of drinks over the head of the pond life that called her a peasant.

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 07/09/2019 10:04

She is an adult so yes , her decision.

She also had the right to walk out of there if she wanted . Again her decision.

The elbow-ing to the young man - Good on her. She used enough force to extract herself (but you aren't allowed to then kick someone to the ground , much as you'd like to )
Does she do any martial arts ? I firmly believe that all women/girls should be aware of self defence .
My DS did karate / self defence and I will get my DD to do so.

Sometimes , on a packed train or similar , that creepy hand can be grabbed and the finger bent back. Or if you know who's foot it is , a solid stamp on the toes .

They sound like a load of drunk, off their faces arseholes .

sorrythisusernameistaken · 07/09/2019 10:05

I would be messaging the mum about the drugs and the assault! They sound vile!

PhilCornwall1 · 07/09/2019 10:07

I always thought private school kids shagged pigs heads, or is that just David Cameron? Hmmmm

Aridane · 07/09/2019 10:10

Report the assault to the police

No, no & no

Absolutely down to DD what she does - don't take that away from her

burnttoastandjam · 07/09/2019 10:11

Your poor DD!!! That's awful. I would definitely be making some sort of comment about the boy, why on earth should he think that this behaviour is normal?

lljkk · 07/09/2019 10:11

Did she scream and verbally tear a strip off him at the time? Ideally in front of witnesses, and secure an apology? Coz that's the best way to handle these things, in my mind.

Assuming she didn't have an enraged shout at him at the time, I guess the way I would play it is strongly lean on her to agree that it was outrageous what he did & she has every right to report it to police & confront him about it. Sounds like something that would go to restorative justice scheme, anyway. She did nothing wrong nor did she (or any female there) deserve to be treated like that.

Letting blokes like that get away with such behaviour is how Americans ended up with Surpreme Justice Kavanaugh. (grrrr)

If she feels the hassle of reporting isn't worth it to her personally, I would respect her choice... but tell her I'm worried that he'll get away with it too many times and turn into a bad habit which would be terrible.

ethelredonagoodday · 07/09/2019 10:12

@Medievalist has it bang on.

Solihooley · 07/09/2019 10:13

But my imaginarycathasfleas most kids at these events are from boarding schools, so they are from all over the country, why would it be an ‘area’ thing? More likely that it’s specific schools/social circle culture and IME it’s pretty prolific in the private school world. That and being a fucking rude dick to waiting staff. Maybe not the sexual assault though.

lljkk · 07/09/2019 10:14

Sorry... long Xpost.

DD (almost 18) recently started at a private school (6th form).
Yes there are a lot of drugs.
Wildly more than she was exposed to at her state comp.
They have money.

I'm not aware of the parents colluding with providing drugs: booze providers absolutely yes, but not ket or skunk, etc.

jennymanara · 07/09/2019 10:15

I do wonder what all those who say report it to the police, think will happen? All that would happen is the DD would have to go through giving a long statement, the man would be interviewed and asked to give a statement. As he is rich presumably he would have a lawyer and would deny it. And the case would be dismissed. The chances are that it would make OPs DD feel worse, because nothing would happen. Something only happens in cases like this with witnesses or if the man admits guilt.

Bingbangbong89 · 07/09/2019 10:17

I wouldn’t report the boy. Yes it was wrong and creepy but what real harm was done? Christ if I’d reported every grab that I experienced working in a nightclub, we’d have had no customers left! I can’t say it scarred me for life and it would be a waste of police resources

Blankspace4 · 07/09/2019 10:19

I would be tempted to text her something along the lines of “I am shocked to hear of extensive drug use at XX’s party last night. I really didn’t think that is something you would tolerate. Of course you may not be aware, hence this message. This won’t go any further but I’d ask you to please think of the safety of your DD/her friends.”

Even if she was aware of it, receiving a text like that in the cold light of day may make her re-think what she is facilitating. What would have happened if a young person had taken seriously ill or worse still at her property after taking drugs? She would have been help responsible.

Blankspace4 · 07/09/2019 10:19

*held

CherryPavlova · 07/09/2019 10:21

Not gloating at all. Doubting the degree of drug misuse, perhaps. It’s certainly not my experience and certainly not standard. Most parents would simply not permit it at a party they were hosting.
It feels like wild misconceptions about those nasty children of richer parents. Boris may be unpleasant, but most aren’t.

P1nkHeartLovesCake · 07/09/2019 10:22

I’d be livid too but your I’m assuming your dd is an adult as she’s worked part time for 3 years so no you can’t go moaning to anyone’s mummy!

DD is an adult, she no nobody else gets to decide to contact the mum or whatever.

DD is an adult and could of just walked out last night if she had wanted too. Maybe have a talk about how If you don’t like a situation you can just leave, it’s not rude if your uncomfortable.

I worked in Ibiza as a rep back in the day and I could tell you stories to make your eyes water, but like your dd you laugh it off and crack on with life 🤷🏻‍♀️

Bingbangbong89 · 07/09/2019 10:24

It’s certainly not my experience and certainly not standard
Me me me me me me

You may not have experienced it but that doesn’t mean it’s not standard.