to be livid with this woman (asked dd to waitress)

[Trewser]

Dd waitressed last night at the birthday party of a girl we vaguely know. It was a big posh combined 18th and 21st. Dd is a great waitress and has done it part time for 3 years.

The party was at the parents house in a marquee etc etc. She told me this morning that it was full of drugs, all the kids were horrible and rude ("I need more booze!" "Just hold on a minute" "i need it now (whispered) you fucking peasant") was one example. They were all taking ketamine and the girl whose party it was told dd that she'd dropped a bag of ket and could dd keep an eye out on the floor. Dd ignored her but she kept demanding dd look for it. There was drug residue all over the side in the loos. To make it even more of a rank experience the boy who was sharing the party grabbed dds boobs from behind.

Dd is laughing it off this morning but said it was one of the worst experiences of her life!

I am livid and feel like texting the mum (who I have known for ages although we are not particularly friendly just acquaintances).

I am not actually going to text her, just need to vent! AIBU about the drugs? I know teens take drugs but to be so blatant about it!

@CherryPavlova

I think we’ve been really fortunate. My daughter is doing the rounds of 21st birthdays at the moment and is having a fabulous time drifting around the U.K. and abroad to some very extravagant affairs.

How exactly is this meant to help the OP?

I’d call the police straight away about the drugs and the assault.

How awful. I worked for a posh catering company for about 5 years. We did plenty of these events, 18th/21st birthdays. IME This sounds standard behaviour amongst public school kids. The level of drug taking is truly shocking. If only the parents knew what the little darlings were up to. Rude, entitled, misogynistic brats. (Yes yes I know not all rich kids are like this but I’ve not done an event where there hasn’t been this sort of behaviour I’m afraid).

I’d text or email the parents about the drugs and disgusting behaviour.
Is this normal where you live?

Awful op. My friends and I waitressed for a party in similar circumstances for very wealthy family for sons 18th hideous private school at its worst behaviour when we that age. No assault but hard work then the mum refused to pay us as she said we were able to attend the party so that was payment enough!
Big mistake. Never seen my mother so cross. We got paid. Sadly for them my mother knows everyone in the village and is extremely popular. The family moved away soon afterwards sometimes wonder why

@Rubicon80 probably trying to convince herself that her daughter isn't doing the same.

I would report the assault to the police. Could slip in that there were drugs there but without proof it would be difficult to prosecute, and I'd imagine the mother has had cleaners in by now.

It sounds awful, especially the way she was spoken to.

Butbyeah, she’s 19 & going to 7ni, so it won’t be the last time she’s in a situation like that. She handled it well - I don’t think you need to DO anything (different if she was 14/15)

...and her reaction is some reassurance she’s not behaving like that when she’s out with her friends.

I'm really bloody worried as my youngest dd has just started at the same school that this girl went to

Fuck. Are all private school kids like this, surely they aren't?? Dd has a scholarship and loves it so far

I'd be livid but she's 19 and has to handle it in her own way. My DS was a waiter part time at some Xmas events, he told me ladies night was really shocking to him. I have told him to "keep moving and be ready with a quick elbow but don't hurt anyone" which (short of walking out) all you can do unless you take it much further.

Is this normal where you live?

I didn't think so never come across it before

I’ve done a few events where the families attending clearly had a limited idea of how normal drug taking is in these circles (I’m talking so normal that they leave their bags of drugs out in the dinner table). At one event an aunt of spoilt brat ran into the loos and wiped all the surfaces down with olive oil to try and stop them snorting coke! The parents often seem to turn a blind eye though. It must be embarrassing if they have no idea. It’s also a massive waste of money even catering for them, they’re so off their faces they don’t eat and most of the lovely food goes in the bin!

Like any type of school most kids lovely some not. Ime the private school version of bad behaviour is as you describe. sure most of the kids perfectly decent.

God it sounds awful - your poor dd! Those people sound appalling. The blatant drug use is pretty shocking, especially that the mother seemed so blasé about it.

OP I really don't think you can do anything. Your DD is 19 and does not want you to, so you need to respect that.

I too would be absolutely fizzing about this if it was my daughter but how does you dd feel about you speaking to the mother about it. She seems to have dealt with it very well and is after all, an adult.

I would certainly mention it to the mother if I seen her but wouldn't go out of my way to get in touch about it. She obviously acted like a 'cool mother' as far as the drugs were concerned so it doesn't look like she would even be bothered about what went on which is totally wrong obviously.

I would also be telling everyone and their granny about the type of parties this 'posh' woman likes to hold🤣

Unfortunately Ket is a bit of a drug of choice with young people at the moment and it’s not just at private schools!
The girls in my DSS circle of “friends” (lose use of friends- he knows them and gets on with them, but wouldn’t meet them socially unless at the same party) all do ket. My DSS stays well clear and him and his friends drink rather than go near drugs.
But the girls seem to enjoy getting into “k holes”.
I wouldn’t worry about the school, just make sure your DD knows the dangers!

Dh was sexually harassed at his local conservative club when he worked there at 19. But not all Tory voters like that of course.

And the boob touching - sexual assault.

When I was young all us poor kids couldn’t afford drugs. The kids I was friends with in the nearby public school were doing shit tonnes of expensive drugs.
They are generally the worse.

That all sounds awful!
However, your dd is home safe and handled the situation brilliantly.
Discuss with her things that you could both do (police, mum etc) but don't do anything she doesn't want you to do! She is 19!
If you do something against her wishes she just won't tell you anything next time something has troubled her.

@Blueoasis, @Rubicon80 No, just thinking this is rich kid/privilege bashing rather than entirely accurate. It’s not normal at ‘posh’ 21st’s. Most youngsters are lovely and most parents would stop it - if it even started.
No, my children don’t do drugs and never have (alcohol excepted). They find smoking abhorrent and would risk their careers over drug taking. One gets random drug tests frequently in his line of work. They have been to fabulous events but none have had open drug dealing. Festivals where idiots do take drugs, acquaintances who have smoked dope but no canapés and cocaine by the lake with Grandma.

I am not going to say anything. If the mum texts me to say anything, thank you etc, i will ignore it and hopefully i never have to see her again.

Fuck. Are all private school kids like this, surely they aren't??

No, they aren't. That's appalling behaviour.

If she were younger I'd definitely say tell the mother about the drugs. As she's older I think you have to keep out. I think your DD should, though. The behaviour towards her, and the assault, was shocking.

I also think the host needs to know there were drugs present. She would be held responsible if anyone had suffered any ill effects or been hospitalised. They might have got away with it at this party but what about the next one?

I said to dd, what if you'd found the drugs and picked them up and given them to her??? You could have looked as though you were dealing!

Agree that if you told the mum against your DD's wishes, she just won't tell you things again.
All we can do as parents is teach kids the dangers, and give them the confidence and resilience not to go along with the crowd. It sounds as if you have managed this with your DD, so I am sure your younger DC should be fine as well.
By the way all research shows that well off young people do take more illegal drugs than other groups of young people. And that is about easy access to money to pay for them.