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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to arrange the school runs this way?

155 replies

BonneMa · 07/09/2019 08:16

I have twin sons, year 4.

DT1 just got a place at a local SS. Transport is done with minivan who collects 4 children from a pick up point at 7:45. Said point is 1 mile from home. LA does not fund home to school transport.

I drive DT1 to the bus stop each morning. DT2 is alone at home. He gets dressed and starts having breakfast I made ready for him in the meantime. I am out between 15-25 mins depending on traffic. I then come back home to collect him and drop DT2 off at his primary en route to my office.

DT2 is very mature and can be trusted. He has a phone in case of emergency.

I don't have family support around and have to do it all alone. This set up works for me and both DTs. DT2 enjoys the extra bit of 'responsibilty'.

A few friends where shocked and said this is illegal. I couldn't find anything about the law that states that you cannot leave a 9 year old alone at home for a bit.

Aibu to do what I do? I am a bit worried now that someone might report me to SS

OP posts:

Invisimamma · 07/09/2019 08:20

My 9 year old would probably be fine at home alone, I'm a pretty lax parent about these things and encourage independence...but I probably wouldn't do this, it doesn't sit right with me, I think he's a bit young yet. What if something happened to you in the way to/from bus stop? Is there a neighbour who knows he's alone or someone he can go to in an emergency?

Original poster

BonneMa · 07/09/2019 08:22

it's 8 in the morning. My neighbours all work and are out by then.
I don't have a support network so what an I supposed to do?

OP posts:

YouSayPotatoesISayVodka · 07/09/2019 08:22

It’s not illegal OP as I believe SS would care more about if the child is safe in that situation. You believe your child is (and it sounds like the arrangement is ok, not ideal, but ok. Shame your local authority don’t have a better system for the school transport.

As a parent who’s been in a similar position to yours I empathise massively. It’s hard sometimes to split yourself when it’s just you, between a child with SEN and your other children. I think instead of telling you what you’re doing is wrong your friends should be coming up with ways to help you. Or else just pipe down.

DonPablo · 07/09/2019 08:25

I'd take him in the car with me with a greakfast in the go.

Not easy when you don't have a support network

Original poster

BonneMa · 07/09/2019 08:25

I spoke to the LA transport department but they don't take the family situation into account at all. they only fulfill their legal duty towards the child with SN.

OP posts:

spanieleyes · 07/09/2019 08:25

can you not take your other son with you to the drop off?

Original poster

BonneMa · 07/09/2019 08:26

I'd take him in the car with me with a greakfast in the go.

I only wake him up when I leave. We have a tiny house and the twins share a room. His brother is a bad sleeper affecting DT2's sleep so he really needs to extra bit in the morning. Otherwise I would put them both into the car.

OP posts:

dollyknocker · 07/09/2019 08:27

The obvious solution would be to take him with you.

BuntyBonus · 07/09/2019 08:27

I totally empathise OP. Have you spoken to you local SEND team? As far as I’m aware they could help by either paying someone to support your son at home for the time you are driving or paying for a taxi to get your other son to the pick up point. You have tried speaking to them and not got anywhere but they are generally useful.

Invisimamma · 07/09/2019 08:28

I think you need to take both children with you. What would he do if you didn't return from the bus stop? (Unlikely but possible).

My partner works shifts and is often out very early or very late, unfortunately this means my children tagging along while I sort out taking siblings places as they can't be left home alone. I know it's a tricky situation for you.

TwoleftUggs · 07/09/2019 08:28

Yep this is the exact scenario I have been doing for the last 3 years while younger dc was still in primary and I had to drive older dc to secondary. So he was also in y4 when I started. I guess it depends on the child. I was gone for about 20 mins and in that time he would get dressed and eat breakfast. I’m sure there will be plenty who think your child will start a fire or choke on a Cheerio the minute you leave the house though.

Original poster

BonneMa · 07/09/2019 08:29

The obvious solution would be to take him with you.

I would have to wake him up a lot earlier to get dressed. As I said, we have a bit of a sleep situation at home too as his brother has issues with staying asleep affecting him too. It's all very complicated when you have a child with complex needs and no support.

That way, DT2 gets an extra 30 mins sleep every morning. makes a huge difference to him. Otherwise I would take him too.

OP posts:

CherryPavlova · 07/09/2019 08:30

I think you’re stuck with a difficult situation and are juggling it as best you can. It’s not illegal and the child is at minimal risk of harm. Carry on without fretting. It’s not long, he’s old enough to get into the routine of getting dressed and nicer for him than rushing with you to a bus stop whilst throwing some toast down his throat.
We baby children to much sometimes. Many children his age are carers and many get themselves up and walk to school.

MarigoldGlove · 07/09/2019 08:30

You can only leave him or take him with you, those are your choices. He’s your child so only you know if he can manage this. I started leaving one of mine when she was nine and I was picking up and dropping off the other one at an activity. However I couldn’t have left my other child when she was nine.

Could you have your phone on FaceTime or similar for the entire time?

dollyknocker · 07/09/2019 08:30

Cross posted with your update. You would only need to wake him 5 minutes earlier to dress, then take him toast to eat in the car and he can quickly do teeth/wash face when you get home.

Original poster

BonneMa · 07/09/2019 08:31

I totally empathise OP. Have you spoken to you local SEND team?

yes, but they are not interested in the wider family situation. money talks.

OP posts:

banivani · 07/09/2019 08:31

I would take my cue from the child to some extent. Your son is fine being on his own. You don’t live in a war zone or in an area that experiences random meteorite strikes/avalanches/sinkholes. What do people think might happen? If he can handle 25 minutes then that is fine. One of my children would have been on the phone to me after five asking when I was home at that age so he wasn’t ready (no proper grasp on time so felt anxious).

I cannot understand why this has become a terrible thing to do in the UK. It is rational and teaches independence in small steps.

museumum · 07/09/2019 08:31

Around here 9 yr olds all walk to school themselves and are allowed to sign themselves into breakfast club so they are “alone” for 15mins or so often as they make their way to school with their parent on their way to work in another direction.

Original poster

BonneMa · 07/09/2019 08:32

You would only need to wake him 5 minutes earlier

you don't know him . That really wouldn't work with that child.

OP posts:

Mintjulia · 07/09/2019 08:32

I think that’s fine. I left my 8yo for 15 minutes with a phone. We had 3 rules. Don’t touch the iron or the cooker and don’t open the door to anyone.
Is your dt2 happy with the arrangement? As long as he feels calm and knows what to do in an emergency, it’s ok. And it isn’t illegal.

Original poster

BonneMa · 07/09/2019 08:34

thanks for the supportive messages. I am obviously not totally unreasonable.

OP posts:

Original poster

BonneMa · 07/09/2019 08:35

Is your dt2 happy with the arrangement?

he loves his peace and quiet in the morning

OP posts:

Bobismyfriend · 07/09/2019 08:35

You know your child best and if you feel he is responsible enough this sounds like an acceptable arrangement. It is not illegal. Also, personally I feel I would have done the same. When my youngest was 10 he was very responsible and was walking to school and back by himself every day. I also had judgements from other parents. He was fine.

MinervaVause · 07/09/2019 08:36

I can’t see much wrong with this to be honest.

He has a phone, you have a phone and he’s busy eating breakfast and getting dressed.

I’m sure he’d call you if there was any problems and I’m sure you’ve explained what to do if you aren’t back by a certain time?

Sometimes you just have to do the best you can with the situation you’re faced with and with no family support I think this is probably the best you can do considering all the circumstances.

Hahaha88 · 07/09/2019 08:36

I had a heart attack at first thinking you had 4yo twins not twins in yr 4 !!
I don't think I'd do. What if you were in an accident?

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