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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to arrange the school runs this way?

155 replies

BonneMa · 07/09/2019 08:16

I have twin sons, year 4.

DT1 just got a place at a local SS. Transport is done with minivan who collects 4 children from a pick up point at 7:45. Said point is 1 mile from home. LA does not fund home to school transport.

I drive DT1 to the bus stop each morning. DT2 is alone at home. He gets dressed and starts having breakfast I made ready for him in the meantime. I am out between 15-25 mins depending on traffic. I then come back home to collect him and drop DT2 off at his primary en route to my office.

DT2 is very mature and can be trusted. He has a phone in case of emergency.

I don't have family support around and have to do it all alone. This set up works for me and both DTs. DT2 enjoys the extra bit of 'responsibilty'.

A few friends where shocked and said this is illegal. I couldn't find anything about the law that states that you cannot leave a 9 year old alone at home for a bit.

Aibu to do what I do? I am a bit worried now that someone might report me to SS

OP posts:
AJPTaylor · 07/09/2019 09:11

That sounds fine to me. My youngest DD would have been fine doing that at 9.

TheBossOfMe · 07/09/2019 09:12

I would have no problem with this - he's 9, not 4. Perhaps make sure he has some instructions written down somewhere on what to do/who to call if you're not back by a certain time. And obviously make sure he knows what to do if there is a fire/emergency of some kind and he needs to get out.

It would be infantilising in the extreme to insist that he loses out on valuable sleep to come with you on the journey.

Original poster
BonneMa · 07/09/2019 09:13

Take him with you in his PJS, he can eat breakfast in the car just put it in aplastic container instead of a bowl, or toast togo.

now I am actually gobsmacked that someone would think it's appropriate for 9 year old to have breakfast in PJs in the car from a plastic container (it a child, not the dog) rather than having breakfast properly dressed at a table.

all this babying or y4 kids Shock

OP posts:
WhoKnewBeefStew · 07/09/2019 09:14

You know your child better than anyone OP. And it's not illegal.

For me it would be too young, my dd is v sensible but I wouldn't have felt comfortable leaving her at that age. You are stuck between a rock and a hard place

I used to have to drop off my dds at 6:45 when they were little and I used to feel so guilty. But they coped with it, although unlike yours they both slept well.

Etino · 07/09/2019 09:15

It’s a good arrangement.
When you say you don’t have a support network, do you mean you don’t have back up childcare? Can you set up a checking in arrangement with a friend?

Abetes · 07/09/2019 09:15

Absolutely fine if you have judged that he is sensible enough to be left at home and he doesn’t mind. I would leave my daughter for similar periods of time at that age as she was sensible and didn’t mind. I wouldn’t leave my son at that age as he was a complete twit and couldn’t be trusted not to do something stupid.

Micah · 07/09/2019 09:16

Fwiw;

I moved areas when dd was in year 4. She was allocated a school 5 miles, 2 bus rides away. I couldn’t accompany her or I’d have had to give up work.

I appealed on grounds of unreasonable journey.

I lost. Council rules say 8 year olds can make that journey.

Had i kept dd off school because i felt she wasn’t able to make the journey, i’d have been reported to social services.

Can’t have it both ways. And i’d say an 8 year old is infinitely safer at home having breakfast than travelling across town on the bus by themselves.

sonjadog · 07/09/2019 09:17

As he is perfectly happy with this arrangement, I would continue as you are doing. If he decides he would rather come with you, then change it to that. I would let him decide about that one. Yes, you might have an accident on the way to drop your other son off, but if you did, he'd be better off not being in the car that is involved in the accident but safe at home. Make sure he knows who to call if there is an accident and you don't come home after a certain time.

NearlyGranny · 07/09/2019 09:17

I don't think you're breaking any actual law as it's a bit fuzzy in that area. I also think you're the best judge of how responsible your DT is. Assuming he can phone you in an emergency, I don't see an issue.

Having twins in different schools was my nightmare when we moved across the country. Luckily when the head met them, he magically turned the the one available place into two! I suspect he may have regretted that later...

Original poster
BonneMa · 07/09/2019 09:19

When you say you don’t have a support network, do you mean you don’t have back up childcare?

lone parent, cannot afford the breakfast club (£4 per morning) and no family close by. Their dad is involved though and lives locally and could get to our home in the morning in 30 mins if there would be an emergency. but he is working and cannot help out in the mornings on a regular basis.

OP posts:
CheeryB · 07/09/2019 09:23

I only wake him up when I leave. We have a tiny house and the twins share a room. His brother is a bad sleeper affecting DT2's sleep so he really needs to extra bit in the morning. Otherwise I would put them both into the car

I've been in this exact position with my sen dd7 and nt dd5 - right down to the sleep issues. I had to get them up at the same time and take them both in the car. There was no other option.

BlueJava · 07/09/2019 09:23

I don't think it's a huge problem - if he is sensible, isn't likely to start "cooking" something etc and you don't stop at shops (just drop his bro off and come back) I don't see an issue. However, I'd stop talking to people about it - because peoplewho have no intention of helping will stir things up! The more you tell others about your business the more likely they are to take an interfering hand in it!

PleaseSirMyGoat · 07/09/2019 09:25

Sounds fine to me as long as child is happy, which is sounds like he is!

I would do the same.

megletthesecond · 07/09/2019 09:26

I think it's fine.
Lone parent with one challenging child here too. Life has to work a bit differently for us.

NorbertHerbertGruntfuttock · 07/09/2019 09:26

There's no law about this and no law about when they stop sharing a room. It's not enforcable and impossible to police.
I don't think you are doing anything wrong. You trust him and he knows to call if theres an issue.

I know there's always some old giffer that comes on her and says, "in my day - blah blah" but I was alone a lot at that age. Dad was at work and Mum was in hospital. Nothing bad happened.

MRex · 07/09/2019 09:26

The argument that you could get into an accident doesn't work with that age group, because obviously he'd be better at home if you did! As long as he's sensible, won't answer the door and has a plan for what to do (who to call) if you're not back then it seems fine. You need to gradually increase responsibilities for children; on their own in the house, then brief trips outside, then walking to school etc - not monitored constantly until 11 and then suddenly sent off on their own. Would your friends be any use as his emergency contact? Or a neighbour who knows your routine?

BlueBilledBeatboxingBird · 07/09/2019 09:28

You know your child and you were instinctively happy with the arrangement until your friends made you doubt your judgement (and frankly unless they are stepping up to offer some kind of practical support then I don’t think they get to comment). I would only add some kind of failsafe in the very unlikely event that there is an emergency and one of you can’t reach the other on the phone: perhaps identify a neighbour that DS could go to in case of emergency?

Nanny0gg · 07/09/2019 09:29

I'm normally of the over-protective attitude but I think you're doing the best you can.

Only thing- even if they're not next door, is there someone he can ring if, god forbid, you're in an accident and late and he doesn't know?

Dontcarewhatimdoing · 07/09/2019 09:30

I think is fine. You have clearly thought it through and come up with the best solution for everyone in less than ideal circumstances. I can't imagine social services would do a lot if someone reported you. It would just highlight your need for support which they don't have the resources to provide.

Knittedfairies · 07/09/2019 09:34

It seems perfectly fine to me. I expect your son looks forward to his peaceful start to his day, to be honest. I also think that a child with a sibling who has SEN tends to mature earlier than one who doesn't. (Note I say tends). Having grown up in a household with a sibling with SEN and also having a child with SEN I do know that mornings can be quite difficult; you've found a solution that works for you. I would do exactly the same.

Frazzledbutcalm · 07/09/2019 09:40

I would be contacting LA and telling them you can’t get dc to the bus stop due to other dc being left alone ... it’s their responsibility to educate dc ... that includes getting them there iro special needs. If you get no joy, speak to local mp... you’ll soon get somewhere.

If you didn’t have a car/didn’t drive, how would you get dc to bus stop? LA have to take that in to account. I think you need to focus on dt1’s right to access education in a safe manner. Try CAB. The transport issue is not right and needs resolving ... you might get better advice about that on the SN board.

altiara · 07/09/2019 09:40

Did the same with my DS in Y4. I started dropping DD at a friends house to walk to secondary school. Would try and get back for DS before DH went to work, but realised after a while he was fine, he just got with everything he needed to.

Cakeorchocolate · 07/09/2019 09:41

The main thing to consider I think is would dt2 react appropriately in an emergency?

If there was a fire would he know what to do? And do you think in reality he could do it?

What about a break in?

It's hard for anyone to react the way we think we will in an emergency.

You know your kids best and therefore what is appropriate, just make sure you're all as aware and prepared as possible for the rare and unlikely events. As much as we all think it would never happen to us, it obviously happens to lots of people.

mrsplum2015 · 07/09/2019 09:42

Similar situation and I made Ds come with me until he was well over ten even though there was a neighbour at home across the road.

I hate dragging kids out for lifts but it is kind of part of family life. I have a younger dd, age 6, who still has to come for the high school drop off but I take her iPad and she has tv time in the car which makes it more fun for her and more peaceful for oldest dd who can't cope with inane chatter at that time in the morning!

Parenting is all juggling and compromise.

Original poster
BonneMa · 07/09/2019 09:43

I would be contacting LA and telling them you can’t get dc to the bus stop due to other dc being left alone ...

I said several times up thread that I have and that they are not interested. They fulfill their legal duty in relation to twin1. that's it.

OP posts:
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