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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to arrange the school runs this way?

155 replies

BonneMa · 07/09/2019 08:16

I have twin sons, year 4.

DT1 just got a place at a local SS. Transport is done with minivan who collects 4 children from a pick up point at 7:45. Said point is 1 mile from home. LA does not fund home to school transport.

I drive DT1 to the bus stop each morning. DT2 is alone at home. He gets dressed and starts having breakfast I made ready for him in the meantime. I am out between 15-25 mins depending on traffic. I then come back home to collect him and drop DT2 off at his primary en route to my office.

DT2 is very mature and can be trusted. He has a phone in case of emergency.

I don't have family support around and have to do it all alone. This set up works for me and both DTs. DT2 enjoys the extra bit of 'responsibilty'.

A few friends where shocked and said this is illegal. I couldn't find anything about the law that states that you cannot leave a 9 year old alone at home for a bit.

Aibu to do what I do? I am a bit worried now that someone might report me to SS

OP posts:
TheSummerGone · 07/09/2019 10:43

I think you're fine legally and morally - but it would be wide to work through 'what if' scenarios with DT2.

"What if".... you are not back at the right time
.... not back an hour later
..... there is a fire
..... someone keeps knocking on the door
..... they feel ill

All pretty unlikely to happen - borderline for a Y4 to deal with - odds stacked up massively in your favour if you give him explicit instructions.

My suggestions would be:

have a phone/facetime station he can launch one click, and have this linked to your phone and at least one other trusted adult (irrespective of location)
to have a named back up adult within a 5 minute walk. I know you don't have any support you can "leave him with" - but being a back up adult is something I would do even for a virtual stranger in these circs. Another parent from school who lives locally? Tell them they would likely never be called, but that due to DT1 needs sometimes DT2 is left home alone, and it is good for him to have a name backup
adult he can call in an emergency.
to have a mobile phone for DT2 in case he has to leave the home
have an external place of safety defined. For example - if you are delayed over an hour without getting in touch - you can tell DT2 he can walk to his own school and let the teachers know there is a problem. IME kids this age can be very sensitive about getting their adults
into trouble if they tell tales -
so it's good to articulate when they should sit tight & when it is appropriate to raise the alarm.

It's not the average choice - but in the long term you are building resilience and a sense of teamwork in your DC. It's really tough, and you are doing a good job meeting your babies needs. ThanksThanksThanks

user1493494961 · 07/09/2019 11:00

I think it's OK, you have to do what works best for you.

JellyfishAndShells · 07/09/2019 15:03

Sounds like you have balanced out catastrophising ( all the ‘what ifs’ ) with the reality of coping day after day after day with an inconvenient situation and made a reasoned choice. You know your son and if he regularly has a disturbed night, then it is a kindness to let him prepare for his day in a quiet, low key way rather than bundle him into the car for a journey that he otherwise does not have to make.

Fourcandlesx · 07/09/2019 15:23

Have you contacted the transport provider to see if they will add an additional stop nearer home? I have been successful in securing a route change for our school bus and they actually review and change the route every year to meet the needs of the students. This is a standard secondary school bus too and not a special school. It might be worth a try?

Pikapikachooo · 07/09/2019 15:27

People
Need to take a wider view
Time after time we read of people
Work are single parents , who work and who NO Other fucking options or help for them

Then they get bashed for a very low risk situation such as this

Children die because mums new ‘boyfriend’ is a psycho and decided to vent their rave on a child . Or from illness , or car crashes and the usual deaths that befall anyone

This is not a case for SS and I salute the women that keep grafting

Pikapikachooo · 07/09/2019 15:28

Sorry for the abysmal spelling Blush iphone Angry

lyralalala · 07/09/2019 15:39

As long as you are happy with it and DT2 is happy with it then that's what matters. You know your child.

I had to do very similar for the same reason. Ds1 and DD1 had a strict plan of who to call at X time if I hadn't phoned or come back.

Pester your MP and local councillor - I did and in the run up to election time the MP got a few changes made so that there was more than one pick up point which made life easier for me and two other parents. He wasn't remotely interested in the kids, but his seat is in a close area so he was favouring votes.

Original poster
BonneMa · 07/09/2019 15:54

Have you contacted the transport provider to see if they will add an additional stop nearer home?

no, the won't. we are the ones that are furthest away from school on our side of the borough and just got toggled on to an existing pick up point. Taxi/LA won't change the route as it cannot be changed. the only option would to add an additional pick up point just for us which the LA won't do as it means the taxi has a longer route then which increases cost for them.

OP posts:
lyralalala · 07/09/2019 16:05

the only option would to add an additional pick up point just for us which the LA won't do as it means the taxi has a longer route then which increases cost for them.

Pester your MP. If you are furthest away they could pick up your DD first. It'll cost them extra, but not that much for 1 mile.

There's likely to be an election at some point soon - it's ideal MP pestering time.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 07/09/2019 16:15

I think it's ok. A sensible 9 year old should be able to be home for 25 minutes and if he is ok with it then I'd be ok with it. I would tell him you'll phone him if there was ever an emergency (assuming you have another phone or house phone at home and if not you could get one) and he should be able to do the same. Its not like you're down the pub for hours

Original poster
BonneMa · 07/09/2019 16:16

my MP is useless. I contacted him so many times for various SN issues I had. he just writes to the LA and then forward me the wanky reply he gets.

OP posts:
AMAM8916 · 07/09/2019 16:16

At 9 years old I would say this is fine. It's less than half an hour, you are 1 mile from the house and he has a phone to contact you. He also isn't looking after any young children, just himself. Don't sweat it. I'm not sure how I will do things when my son is 9 but I think I'd be ok to nip to the shop if he wanted to stay and watch something or go to collect a prescription for example. It's the same thing really

Purpleartichoke · 07/09/2019 16:39

At age 9, we started leaving dd for very brief periods. Basically the time it takes to run to the corner store. Never longer than 10 minutes total and never a distance that couldn’t be walked if the car broke down.

Now that dd is 10, we have graduated to 20 minute outings.

The one big difference in our scenario is that if I or DH is leaving dd, we contact the other parent when we leave and when we return.

Deadringer · 07/09/2019 16:47

I am quite risk averse but I think in your situation leaving dt2 for a bit is the best solution. You know your child, if you feel he is safe and if he is happy go for it.

stucknoue · 07/09/2019 16:57

My dd walked to school at 8 alone , he's certainly safer in the house but I would approach the lea to change the pick up

independentfriend · 07/09/2019 16:59

Your LA is behaving illegally - S508B of the Education Act 1996 www.legislation.gov.uk/ukpga/2006/40/section/77 refers to "home to school" transport, not transport from a pick up point. [Schedule 35B to the Education Act 1996 www.legislation.gov.uk/ukpga/2006/40/schedule/8 is also relevant for you to read]

What you're doing sounds fine, in terms of safety for both of your children but there should be no need for you to do this as one of your children is entitled to be taken from home to school and back again.

TheHoundsofLove · 07/09/2019 16:59

BonneMa Interesting that you're half German! I felt a bit negligent at first (and my mum definitely made me feel quite guilty about letting a 7 year old walk to school alone), but I now really love how much more freedom children have here. And it does seem to, generally speaking, make them grow into much more independent, capable teenagers.

Milicentbystander72 · 07/09/2019 17:23

It's totally fine in my eyes OP.

I've done it with my DS and I didn't even need to do it. I used to take his older sister to a club about 6.30pm. He was settled after school and dinner, normally relaxing in front of MineCraft etc. He would ask me to leave him so one day I did. I was out about 20 mins. I would normally come home and he wouldn't have moved.

DS is nearly 13 now in Secondary School. He's pretty resilient and independent.

In your circumstances OP I'd definitely do it. Let the boy enjoy his peace and quiet! I agree with PP that people here are too quick to infantilise.

tatasa · 08/09/2019 15:32

Only you know your son, some nine year olds totally capable, others not. My son was 10 when I first left him to nip to the local shop, and there was never a problem, Probably an idea to leave a note in your car stating ICE (in case of emergency), my son is home alone at this address.

horseridingaddict · 08/09/2019 15:37

If they're twins how come they don't go to the same school?

lyralalala · 08/09/2019 15:39

If they're twins how come they don't go to the same school?

Because one goes to mainstream and one doesn’t...

AdelaideK · 08/09/2019 15:41

I think this is fine. He probably enjoys a bit of peace and quiet.

Mascarponeandwine · 08/09/2019 15:49

I wouldn’t. But then we experienced a house fire last year and it was frightening enough dealing with it as adults. I can’t imagine my 8yo coping alone. He could easily have got scared and hid in the bedroom.

I get that it’s low risk. The stakes are massive though. What do the LEA say about leaving the other twin alone? They are not far off forcing you to do so.

If you do it, don’t leave anything with a Li-ion battery on charge.

youarenotkiddingme · 08/09/2019 15:53

Sounds fine to me.

Good news is that if anyone outside agency did have concerns and get involved then the transport arrangement would be rearranged to avoid it.

Win win!

StockTakeFucks · 08/09/2019 16:05

If he's sensible and you trust him then there's no issue. He's 9 not 3.

Make sure he knows what to do if you're not home by a certain hour and maybe have a neighbour's phone number or a friend from school as back up.

There's no point dragging him around with you if he's perfectly happy with the arrangement or eat on the go in the car when there's no need.

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