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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to arrange the school runs this way?

155 replies

BonneMa · 07/09/2019 08:16

I have twin sons, year 4.

DT1 just got a place at a local SS. Transport is done with minivan who collects 4 children from a pick up point at 7:45. Said point is 1 mile from home. LA does not fund home to school transport.

I drive DT1 to the bus stop each morning. DT2 is alone at home. He gets dressed and starts having breakfast I made ready for him in the meantime. I am out between 15-25 mins depending on traffic. I then come back home to collect him and drop DT2 off at his primary en route to my office.

DT2 is very mature and can be trusted. He has a phone in case of emergency.

I don't have family support around and have to do it all alone. This set up works for me and both DTs. DT2 enjoys the extra bit of 'responsibilty'.

A few friends where shocked and said this is illegal. I couldn't find anything about the law that states that you cannot leave a 9 year old alone at home for a bit.

Aibu to do what I do? I am a bit worried now that someone might report me to SS

OP posts:
LL83 · 07/09/2019 08:55

Yanbu. My 9 year old could be left for a short 20-25 mins quite safely. And if I had an accident and didn't return she would phone someone. (Probably best he/she is in the house alone than in the car accident in the event of worse case scenario anyway.)

You have limited choices and everyone is safe. Be confident next time your friend is shocked throw it right back at them "your 9 year old couldn't survive for 20 mins......i think you should work on giving them some responsibility/independence" I am not saying that is true, but if you are being judged then judge right back! Possibly not mature....but an option.

coconuttelegraph · 07/09/2019 08:55

Firstly you can tell your friends that is is not illegal in any way, they can Google if they don't believe you

I think your arrangement is fine but maybe in case of a very unlikely car accident that leaves you unable to use your phone have something in the car that tells emergency services that your child is at home..

I've done this in the past, you could ring your bikes phone as you leave and keep the phone on between you so you can talk to him once he wakes up

BrokenWing · 07/09/2019 08:55

I would say just sightly too young, maybe another year or two.

I would get him up 30 mins earlier and take in the car.

If he needs more sleep put him to bed earlier or can you move DT1 out of his room into yours on school nights?

ittooshallpass · 07/09/2019 08:55

I’m in a similar situation. My work want me in a meeting in a city over 100 miles away on random days. Impossible to do after school club adhoc, so DD10 walks home from school alone and let’s herself in is home alone for 2 hours. She calls me for a chat while I’m on the train, gets herself changed, has a snack, chills out. She’s fine. She’s got a list of emergency numbers. Knows the front door stays shut and enjoys he home alone time. OP you know your son, you know if he can be trusted to be home alone. Don’t bother telling people your routine, it’s easy for others to be ‘horrified’ when they have a partner or support on tap.

IncrediblySadToo · 07/09/2019 08:55

You’re doing fine 🌷

Nothing at all wrong with a 9 yo being left at home for 20 minutes! - as long as THRY are happy with it

He gets some needed sleep, he enjoys his but if ‘peace & quiet’ as long as he knows what to do if you don’t come back and you’re not answering your phone then it’s all good.

I’d stop telling people though because in the UK it generates unwarranted hysteria!

...and no, you do not need to be in FaceTime with him the entire time fgs!

Greyhound22 · 07/09/2019 08:56

I think this is ok to be honest and I am the biggest worrier ever. I was very pearl graspy reading another thread where a 10 year old had to cross a main road and walk 15 minutes to school. Everyone thought that was fine.

I think it's far safer for him to be at home - if he's happy I wouldn't worry. By the time he's dressed and started his breakfast you're back. He's got a phone. I would just make sure he knows what to do if you don't come back and he can't get hold of you.

Original poster
BonneMa · 07/09/2019 08:57

If he needs more sleep put him to bed earlier or can you move DT1 out of his room into yours on school nights?

he won't. he only sleeps in his bed.

OP posts:
LadyLannister · 07/09/2019 08:57

I’m surprised so many people on here think you shouldn’t do this, I wonder if some people are misreading it and thinking you have 4 year old twins. There is absolutely nothing wrong with leaving a sensible 9 year old alone for 15 -25 minutes. As long as your 9 year old is happy being left then I wouldn’t worry about what other people think.

Original poster
BonneMa · 07/09/2019 08:59

and I have a single bed only Grin. there isn't space for 2.

OP posts:
ImTheCaddy · 07/09/2019 08:59

I think it's fine in principle. What would concern me is whether you have plans in place for emergencies.

It's not unusual to be stuck in traffic/car breaks down/you have accident etc etc and you need to have a back up plan in place. If you genuinely have no one for support and back up then I'm afraid I think you have to take him with you.

Year 4 is very young. Even one more year will make all the difference.

Ultimately you have to do what's right for you but I think you need to really consider all possible emergency scenarios.

Topseyt · 07/09/2019 08:59

Provided you and your DS are both happy with the arrangement, and it sounds as though you are, then it is fine. Not illegal at all, so your friends are talking through their arses.

Your DS is 9, not 3. He is able to contact you if necessary and he can be relied upon to do what is needed to have his breakfast and get himself ready for school. Stop sharing any information with these "friends" and just get on with what you are doing without the advice of such busybodies.

IncrediblySadToo · 07/09/2019 09:00

Jesus wept he’s NINE YEARS OLD people, NINE. He is perfectly fine being at home alone for 20 bloody minutes.

SilverGiraffe7 · 07/09/2019 09:00

Unless your friends' comments are followed up with 'so I'll drop DT1 off' or ' I'll watch DT2', I'd say ignore them.
You've weighed up the pros and cons and come up with something that works for your family. It's not illegal. DT2 is not only perfectly happy, but gains something from the arrangement; sleep and a bit of peace and quiet that he enjoys.
As long as he has a 'if I'm not back by this time, ring x' arrangement, I don't see the problem.
You could have a 'if I'm not back by 8:30am ring your school and tell them' and then you know he'd have access to people who know him and would help him etc if there was a problem eg you had an accident.

Nogoodusername · 07/09/2019 09:01

I have a very sensible 9 year old, and I would have been happy to do what you are doing last year. Most schools around my way let children walk home from school in year 5, so 20 minutes at home alone and with a phone seems perfectly reasonable to me

MyNewBearTotoro · 07/09/2019 09:01

I think it’s fine so long as your DS knows what to do if you don’t come home by a certain time and he can’t get through to you on the phone. The likelihood of something happening to you is low but I think I’d want to know that there was a back up plan in that situation.

Uniformuniformuniform · 07/09/2019 09:01

Depends on the child. My dc 1 and 2 yes I would do this without any worry. Whereas if my it was my niece who is 11.... No I wouldn't because she's not sensible and will probably plug the iron in and leave it etc...

If they are sensible 20 minutes is fine

Nogoodusername · 07/09/2019 09:02

Obviously - just have a plan in place for “if I am not back by x time you should call y” and how to respond to any home emergencies (break a glass - leave it for me to clear up safely, fire - get outside and call 999 etc)

Sewbean · 07/09/2019 09:03

If he's happy then I would carry on as you are.
I let my 7 yr old walk 2.5 minutes unaccompanied from the traffic lights to the school gates in the morning and get endless judgement about it. People always have an opinion.

Singleandproud · 07/09/2019 09:04

Take him with you in his PJS, he can eat breakfast in the car just put it in aplastic container instead of a bowl, or toast togo. Go home he can get dressed fast with your help / do his teeth. Get everything laid out the night before.

CottonSock · 07/09/2019 09:04

I was going to say that he probably finds that little bit of extra sleep and time for quiet very beneficial.

MintyT · 07/09/2019 09:04

I think your making the best out of a bad situation, and I think it's fine, you wouldn't leave him if you didn't think he would be ok. As long as he knows what to do in an emergency- he has a phone it's fine, your doing a good job well done

frogsoup · 07/09/2019 09:05

It's fine. What a crazy situation we've got ourselves into thinking 9yos can't be left for 20 mins. Ridiculous infantilising. It would be madness to drag him along instead of catching up on much needed sleep. As for risk, a car is many times more dangerous than a soft warm bed!

Traintrackmad · 07/09/2019 09:09

I was reported to social services last year, by a professional person, for leaving dh, age 10 on his own for 20 minutes. I had the police knocking on the door (who thought it was ridiculous that they had been sent round) and a call from ss who wrote the case off immediately as they said leaving a 10 year old at home for a short time was fine. I had to explain how I kept him safe when I wasn’t there (no cooking, no hot drinks, numbers on the fridge and he had a mobile phone). The lady who phoned was lovely and thought, like the police it didn’t need their involvement, but it was hugely stressful even though it was over so quickly.
I left dd and ds at home from year 4. Dd2 doesn’t want to be left alone (she is now year 4) and that is fine. But if your ds is completely happy to be left and is sensible enough in an emergency, I can’t see an issue. It sounds a tough situation for you to be in and I understand completely about letting your ds get an extra half hour of sleep, it seems sensible if he is up in the night with his brother.

theendoftheendoftheend · 07/09/2019 09:10

my 9 year old is allowed out to play, I don't see any difference. It's not illegal to leave him at home unless something happens to him. The only bit I wouldn't like is him eating breakfast alone because my 8 year old chocked and if we hadn't been with her (I didn't even notice my brother pointed it out, choking really is silent!) she would have died.

MerryMarigold · 07/09/2019 09:11

OP, think this is fine. My ds2 (also a twin) is very mature and I was leaving him for short periods at this age. We know many people locally in case of any emergency. In many other countries (not just third world ones) y4 age kids are walking themselves and younger children to school (yes, even in Switzerland). The UK seems a bit uniquely over protective to be honest. I know some of the guidelines are there to protect genuine abuse (if many, many guidelines were being broken at once) but it seems to have filtered into the minds of parents that every single thing MUST be done or SS will get involved. Even if parents reported this to school, I think school would need to observe other things such as odd behaviour, dirtiness, lack of food at lunch etc.