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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH not telling me he's working from home

171 replies

managedmis · 05/09/2019 20:53

So this morning we leave to do the school drop off. DH in jeans. Oh, you're casual, I say. Yeah, he says. Fine.

He drops me at the station, then does the school run. Texts me to say all fine with the drop off.

Fast forward to this afternoon. I text him, say I'll pick the kids up as I'm leaving work early. Oh, the car is actually here at home, so I'll do it (we car share), I've worked from home today. Oh - why didn't you tell me, I said? Oh, I had a 7.30am meeting that I wouldn't have made so I stayed at home instead.

Why didn't he tell me? Aibu to think he should let me know?

(Even if IABU I forgot to get some bolognaise out of the freezer for dinner, which he could have done if he'd have told me he was working from home, but he didn't!!)

OP posts:

Dulra · 06/09/2019 11:12

Everyone is different personally it would not bother me in the slightest and I would hate to feel I had to account for every second of my day to my oh or anyone else for that matter. I like having my own space my own time sometimes that I don't need to explain or justify to anyone.

I tell my DH when I'm working at home simply because we share information!
That's absolutely fine but would it annoy you if your dh forgot to tell you something or didn't feel the need to? The issue is less about what couples tell each other and more about one feeling aggrieved because their dh didn't and that's the bit I would find suffocating

AryaStarkWolf · 06/09/2019 11:27

@Dulra I suppose it comes down to the people involved, like If my DH commented that I looked casual and I just said "yeah" instead of "yeah I'm wfh home today" (or vice versa) it would be really really odd because it's such a non issue, deliberately not mentioning it when it's came up in conversation would just be bizarre. For me it would be suffocating if I said I was working from home and DH wanted a run down of what i was doing while I was there, but that wouldn't happen

LittleMsM · 06/09/2019 11:40

I think it would be normal for your husband to communicate with you about his working plans - as you are supposed to be a team. I do find it odd he didn't mention. But, a simple, sorry would sort it.

applecrumbl3 · 06/09/2019 11:45

I don't always tell my husband when I wfh, not bc I am having an affair, but bc he can't really wfh and he sees it as a complete skive. Sometimes It's very much accepted by my work that sometimes people do, but I just don't feel like putting up with the implication from him that I'm being lazy, so I don't mention it! Usually he busts me anyway :(

AryaStarkWolf · 06/09/2019 12:09

@applecrumbl3 I don't think anyone was suggesting that the OPs DH was having an affair, you would think he'd be a bit more clever about hiding it if he was

HouseworkAvoider10 · 06/09/2019 12:20

YANBU.
its kind of passive aggressive and definitely not on.

ChristmasFluff · 06/09/2019 12:22

I wouldn't necessarily tell the Ex-husband that I was working from home (when we were married of course!), but if he'd commented on what I was wearing, I'd have said, oh, yeah, I'm working from home today.' So I think it is odd he didn't do that, and it does seem her was trying to hide it for some reason.

But this is Mumsnet, where the common courtesy of a text or call when you are going to be late is seen as being controlled and abused.

CTRLALTDELETED · 06/09/2019 12:27

I know! On mumsnet you and your husband love completely separate lives and only text each other in an absolute life or death emergency. Otherwise you’re joined at the hip and your relationship is suffocating and controlling.

PsuedoSatisfactionBaby · 06/09/2019 12:33

Are there other things that are making you suspicious OP? It’s sounds like maybe there is. In itself, I can see why you would be a bit annoyed about it but not suspicious. As part of some other noticeable (to you) behavioural changes, or where the relationship is already strained, I understand the suspicion.

k1233 · 06/09/2019 12:48

I had a partner do this to me once. He ate like a horse, so when he didn't pack lunch I asked if he wasn't going. Yeah sure I'm going. I asked him three times, can't remember the other things that were a tip off and he lied every single time. He dropped me at gym before work and I told him not to come home (it was my place, he had his own). I will not be lied to.

Found out later he went shopping with his mum for a Christmas present to me - see why he couldn't tell me. Um no. I didn't. He could have said he was helping his mum that day, that would have been the end of it, but he persisted in telling a lie.

k1233 · 06/09/2019 12:50

**wasn't going to work

Vilanelle · 06/09/2019 12:51

Some people on here have very weird relationships. I tell my DH when I'm working at home simply because we share information! I also tell him if I have a hair appointment (even then he doesn't notice I've had it cut, but maybe one day...) or a doctors appointment, because to me that is what couples do. They talk to each about their day and the next day and the weekend. Even if I got 100 messages saying YABU I wouldn't care

THIS.

I can't imagine not sharing that information. It is like he wanted to keep it from you for whatever reason.

AryaStarkWolf · 06/09/2019 12:53

@k1233 ah that's kind of harsh, he'd still have been lying if he said he was helping his mom, poor guy bloody hell

Original poster

managedmis · 06/09/2019 13:01

Also, do you both take a set of car keys with you to work so that first one back can use the car that's been left at the station?

Yes, two sets of keys.

I tell my DH when I'm working at home simply because we share information! I also tell him if I have a hair appointment (even then he doesn't notice I've had it cut, but maybe one day...) or a doctors appointment, because to me that is what couples do.

This is what we usually do! But this time he didn't, which is why I'm pissed off.

And for people suggesting I'd have a huge list of chores for him to do, I wouldn't. I'd have asked him to get the sauce out, that's it!

OP posts:

SleepingStandingUp · 06/09/2019 13:12

I quizzed him about it tonight and he seemed a bit guilty about it all for some reason
Well if he really did "wfh" to carry out an affair you'll know soon enough as his cover is so bad.
He got in the car in jeans with no work paraphanallia and told you he was home with the car. Hardly going covert is he.

AryaStarkWolf · 06/09/2019 14:40

@SleepingStandingUp
I didn't get the impression anyone thought he was lying to cover an affair though, more likely to cover a sneaky lazy day or something?

AmIThough · 06/09/2019 14:54

I wonder if he booked a days annual leave and didn't want you to moan at him for wasting his holiday.

Or he called in sick.

Or he's been sacked/made redundant and is scared to tell you.

CTRLALTDELETED · 06/09/2019 16:01

Did he go into the office today OP?

NameChangeNugget · 06/09/2019 16:05

In his shoes, it wouldn’t have crossed my mind to tell you

CTRLALTDELETED · 06/09/2019 16:10

Really NameChangeNugget? If you were standing there in jeans and your husband commented that you looked casual today, even then you wouldn’t mention you were working from home? Even if you knew your husband was expecting the car to be at the station later and you knew it wouldn’t be, because you were working from home; you still wouldn’t say anything?

HenriettaH · 07/09/2019 05:38

Maybe he should install a time clock in the kitchen to check-in and out. Just a suggestion. If he popped in for a pee would he have to say too?

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