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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH not telling me he's working from home

171 replies

managedmis · 05/09/2019 20:53

So this morning we leave to do the school drop off. DH in jeans. Oh, you're casual, I say. Yeah, he says. Fine.

He drops me at the station, then does the school run. Texts me to say all fine with the drop off.

Fast forward to this afternoon. I text him, say I'll pick the kids up as I'm leaving work early. Oh, the car is actually here at home, so I'll do it (we car share), I've worked from home today. Oh - why didn't you tell me, I said? Oh, I had a 7.30am meeting that I wouldn't have made so I stayed at home instead.

Why didn't he tell me? Aibu to think he should let me know?

(Even if IABU I forgot to get some bolognaise out of the freezer for dinner, which he could have done if he'd have told me he was working from home, but he didn't!!)

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 05/09/2019 23:01

I really can't see that the problem is here. He didn't hide it, how you saw he was in casual clothes without his backpack/laptop.

dontcallmeduck · 05/09/2019 23:15

I’m really baffled why so many people think he should have told her. And those suggesting he was dishonest by saying “yeah” when she said he was dressed casual?!?! Really??? I’m struggling how to see it affected the family other than she couldn’t ask him to defrost the spat Bol.

Herefortheduration · 05/09/2019 23:17

I've worked from home without telling dh, I might mention it in passing but wouldn't make a point to mention it, it's just not worthy of it I guess, we have better things to talk about

FenellaVelour · 05/09/2019 23:24

This is bizarre.

I work from home fairly often. It wouldn’t even cross my mind that this is something I should be talking to my husband about 🤷‍♀️

Evilspiritgin · 05/09/2019 23:25

Maybe he thought you would have known when you saw him in casual clothes, what would have happened if you’d turned up at the usual time

MsPepperPotts · 05/09/2019 23:30

What?! Why would a grown man need to tell you anything?

Why would a grown man who is a husband and father act like a prat by withholding information that impacts on their daily life. i.e. they car share and it should have been at the train station but the OP didn't know that because thought he'd be a smart arse and not bother telling her!
Immature behaviour at the very least.
I hope you pulled him up on his arsey stunt OP.

BuildBuildings · 05/09/2019 23:39

It's weird

wasgoingmadinthecountry · 05/09/2019 23:39

To all those who plan month by month - wow! Neither of us know what's going on the day after tomorrow! What kind of jobs do you have?

jessicawessica · 05/09/2019 23:41

I would have thought the jeans would have been a dead giveaway, no?

jesuschristwtf · 05/09/2019 23:43

If she got caught out at a train station - surely a taxi/bus/calls husband to pick her up is an option? She’s an adult. I don’t know - maybe some of you have very different relationships but I never tell my husband when I wfh, I decide on the day and just do. Anything crops up (or car gone, let’s gone etc) I’ll just deal with it.

GameofPhones · 05/09/2019 23:56

Really this brings out how difficult it is to advise people online, as a previous poster has pointed out. We never know the full back story, and the OP may not realise how much of it is relevant - it is all implicit, subconscious knowledge to her.

GabsAlot · 06/09/2019 00:00

Erm she would have go to the station and wondered where the car was-of course he should have said

Jux · 06/09/2019 00:08

I would expect to be told, yes. It's not reporting, it's just letting your spouse know that you're going to be working from home. FFS, it only makes it a big deal if you don't bother to mention it, and makes it look suspicious.

Starstruck2020 · 06/09/2019 00:09

I don’t think YABU, What’s wrong with a comment or text of “working from home today, Ill get the kids from school and the cars not at the station”. What shall we do for dinner would be nice too......

I’d be annoyed too. I think the difference in posters opinions is from ones is the ones that frequently work in different venues compared to those that have mainly office based jobs; and maybe people with families where both parents work fulltime. Evenings are hell as a working mother if your partner is not supportive.

PeriComoToes · 06/09/2019 00:26

Odd responses! Why wouldn't he mention it to her? I mean they live together FFS and you know it's called communication. She's not asking him to log all his shots with (no pun intended).

A simple reply to the casual? could have been, yeah working from home today. Why all the secrecy about it?

PeriComoToes · 06/09/2019 00:26

shits not shots!

PeriComoToes · 06/09/2019 00:33

To all those people who 'decide on the day' that they're going to work from home please tell me what type of work you do and how senior you are. I'm truly fascinated. My DH works in finance and is in and out of meetings all day. Sometimes he works from home but this is usually when he is at a particular stage of a project and he never just gets up and thinks oh fuck it can't br arsed with the commute - it's planned in.

PeriComoToes · 06/09/2019 00:35

Tell a lie. Sometimes he gets up and decides to 'work from home' but this is when he's feeling unwell but not unwell enough to take a proper sick day.

JoanieCash · 06/09/2019 01:10

The weird bit is that you commented on jeans and he didn’t say it was because he was planning to WFH. Otherwise in Our house it might only come up if I ask specifically or as part of a story about the day, but we WFH frequently and so it’s a bit of a non thing.

expat101 · 06/09/2019 02:11

I would have thought it would come up in general conversation. Even my Hubby if he is leaving his job early, telephones ahead. Not to report or ask permission, but usually to ask if I need something brought home.

And I tell him when I plan on not being at home. its just general conversation stuff. Today, for instance, he knew I was heading out, and asked me to pick up something for him on my way through.

Original poster
managedmis · 06/09/2019 02:18

I’d be annoyed too. I think the difference in posters opinions is from ones is the ones that frequently work in different venues compared to those that have mainly office based jobs; and maybe people with families where both parents work fulltime

^^

This.

It's hard work, the kids, the drop off, working, car share, spaghetti fucking bolognaise etc etc, why didn't he just text and say he was home, he's going to collect the kids? Instead I had to text him to say I'm leaving early, why didn't he tell me as soon as he decided? What if I'd have been ill, caught the train home, expecting the car to be at the station? Where the fuck is the car?! Oh, it's at home darling, I'm WFH but I didn't bother telling you Confused

I quizzed him about it tonight and he seemed a bit guilty about it all for some reason... Hmm.

OP posts:
greentheme23 · 06/09/2019 02:34

I occasionally do not tell DH that I'm working from home. It's because on those days he looks and sounds knackered and fed up with the daily grind and then it feels like I'm rubbing salt into the wound by saying 'oh I'm working from home'.

flyingspaghettimonster · 06/09/2019 02:37

The lie about missing the meeting thing would have me suspicious. If he was thinking he had a meeting he would have been dressed apropriately. He knew he had no intention of going in before he dropped you, so he deliberately withheld that information. When my husband avoids mentioning something it usually means he is planning to do his hobby and figured if I don't ask the right question he doesn't need to volunteer the info. It doesn't have to mean something nefarious like an affair, but I would have my antennas out for a while in case there is more to it, like job loss or something.

Mermaidoutofwater · 06/09/2019 02:37

In my relationship I would be a bit surprised/suspicious if my OH acted like yours. But we are in touch throughout the day and tend to update each other on the small things, it sounds like you are the same? I think if you tend to be quite separate during the working day it may not seem strange at all, hence the diversity of responses.

StroppyWoman · 06/09/2019 02:39

It certainly feels a little odd.

It’s not that couples have to check in with each other endlessly, obviously. But not mentioning it when you commented on his casual clothes seems a bit weird.

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