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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH not telling me he's working from home

171 replies

managedmis · 05/09/2019 20:53

So this morning we leave to do the school drop off. DH in jeans. Oh, you're casual, I say. Yeah, he says. Fine.

He drops me at the station, then does the school run. Texts me to say all fine with the drop off.

Fast forward to this afternoon. I text him, say I'll pick the kids up as I'm leaving work early. Oh, the car is actually here at home, so I'll do it (we car share), I've worked from home today. Oh - why didn't you tell me, I said? Oh, I had a 7.30am meeting that I wouldn't have made so I stayed at home instead.

Why didn't he tell me? Aibu to think he should let me know?

(Even if IABU I forgot to get some bolognaise out of the freezer for dinner, which he could have done if he'd have told me he was working from home, but he didn't!!)

OP posts:
Flupibass · 05/09/2019 21:12

Perhaps he thought you might be jealous or think he was having an easy day? Compared to you, so didn’t want to rock the boat/rub it in.

NerrSnerr · 05/09/2019 21:12

I genuinely think the posters that think its completely fine to not share details like this in a ltr haven't actually had the experience of a serious committed relationship or just have their bars set really low and should refrain from advising.

Do people who have a different opinion to you shouldn't comment?

Artesia · 05/09/2019 21:14

I genuinely think the posters that think its completely fine to not share details like this in a ltr haven't actually had the experience of a serious committed relationship or just have their bars set really low and should refrain from advising.

Wtf??? Does being in a “serious committed” long term relationship mean giving up the right to privacy or to do anything for yourself without sharing?

SoyDora · 05/09/2019 21:16

Exactly. He had jeans on and didn't have his backpack I. E. With his laptop in which he needs for work

He probably thought it was pretty obvious and he didn’t need to tell you, based on the above.

Original poster
managedmis · 05/09/2019 21:18

@Hands-off My Rights AKA Sherlock Grin

So if you were getting the train back early and he would normally have been at work (with said car?) How do you get from the station to pick kids up?

^^

He drives to the station and gets the train from there. Leaves the car there, we both have a key.

So if I wouldn't have text him to let him know, I'd have been stuck, carless, at the sodding station!

OP posts:
Croquembou · 05/09/2019 21:18

that think its completely fine to not share details like this

Details like working from home? Ah, yes, that key to intimacy. Work location. I have a diagram pinned on the kitchen wall so my husband can visualise which hot desk I sat at too.

BackforGood · 05/09/2019 21:19

I genuinely think the posters that think its completely fine to not share details like this in a ltr haven't actually had the experience of a serious committed relationship or just have their bars set really low and should refrain from advising.

Wow. I genuinely think that it is okay that people live in a different way from you @Sadiesnakes

I'm not sure what you count as qualifying for a 'serious committed relationship' ? Does the fact dh and I have recently celebrated our Silver Wedding count, or do you have to get up there to Ruby or Golden Anniversaries ? Hmm

HandsOffMyRights · 05/09/2019 21:19

Mystery solved!
That would piss me off.

Seren85 · 05/09/2019 21:20

I sometimes end up WFH at short notice (trains, anxiety issues) or on a different day than usual as it is easier to work on something in the peace and quiet. I might mention it if it comes up or DH will realise that I'm already home in my jeans or my laptop cable is out. I'm not hiding anything from it but if it doesn't come up I might forget to mention it because to me I'm still at work. If I was skiving off and not telling him, I think he'd be a bit annoyed.

ForalltheSaints · 05/09/2019 21:20

I think it should have been mentioned. Just in case one of the children had taken ill and needed to come home, for example.

AChickenCalledDaal · 05/09/2019 21:21

I've worked from home without telling DH. It's not a question of hiding wanting, I just don't think he's really that bothered which desk I'm using. And we are in a thoroughly committed married relationship of 25 years, thanks very much.

Neverender · 05/09/2019 21:22

Sorry but no, it's silly for him not to tell you - almost like he's trying to get out of being helpful. I wouldn't be impressed.

Nanna50 · 05/09/2019 21:23

I don’t routinely tell my DH or family if I’m working at home or if I’m working in a different office. If they ask I tell them but I don’t think I need to let my DH know.

Married many years, bar not set low Confused

wasgoingmadinthecountry · 05/09/2019 21:24

I never know where dh is working -his plans change at short notice. Sometimes he even goes out of the country. Ds's school office phoned one day as he had had a football injury - secretary told me dh had asked her to call me as he was about to board a plane. It was news to me!

Different people have different working lives. Don't expect dh to tell me - if I'm bothered (or it's bin day) I message and ask where he is. Equally he knows I might turn up at 4.30 or 8.

Kids are older btw, so no neglect issues!! Dinner can be a bit random though.

Longdistance · 05/09/2019 21:26

Yanbu

My dh sometimes ‘works from home’. Aka, can be found on the golf course. But, he will do stuff at home. Nice work if you can get it?!

Ronnie27 · 05/09/2019 21:26

I’d imagine in case you asked him to do stuff around the house / pick up the kids or whatever. I don’t always mention to my husband if I finish early or work from home as he has a tendency to hijack my plans and make ever so helpful suggestions etc. Grin

Cherrysoup · 05/09/2019 21:26

So OP would’ve been stuck at the station wondering where the hell he was had she not known he was wfh.

Why would your dh not tell you this? It’s the kind of thing that ,y DH and I would just naturally discuss. He has shared his work calendar with me and tells me what he’s done during the day (not an office job). I think that’s normal communication.

quaaludesonchristmaseve · 05/09/2019 21:27

My H very rarely works from home but if he does and I'm at work he will text to say "anything needs getting out of freezer for dinner as I'm at home but busy" so I then don't bombard him with washing and hoovering jobs! If he didn't tell me I would be mildly annoyed!

Nanna50 · 05/09/2019 21:28

OP I think he was BU not to let you know that the car was at home not the station, that is a different situation to just working at home.

Spinnaret · 05/09/2019 21:29

I would find this frustrating. When one person's actions impact another's (e.g. availability of a car, or need to leave by a certain time to collect kids), it is considerate to keep them informed.

I WFH full time. DH occasionally does. He lets me know the day before, so we can re-jig who is cooking, doing school runs, walking dog etc so that neither of us gets the lion's share of the load.

On the other hand, when he is in the office, his return time can be very variable. And despite many, many requests, he regularly forgets to let me know when he will be home. Which is a pain for cooking our evening meal. He is gradually improving only taken 16 years.

AryaStarkWolf · 05/09/2019 21:31

It seems like he deliberately didn't tell you, that's the odd part, there's clearly a reason he didn't

wtrurly · 05/09/2019 21:32

I'd find this suspicious. There's no reason you wouldn't explain you were working from home.
However, he also didn't hide it by wearing his clothes and PRETENDING to go to work - if he was hiding something he'd have probably taken his back pack and worn a suit to create the illusion.

My DP always knows when I work from home because I say!

CTRLALTDELETED · 05/09/2019 21:32

I work from home so often that I now don’t mention it to DH. He either asks me in the morning or just deduces that I’m WFH because I’m wearing a hoodie.

What’s weird about this is that OP mentioned to DH that he looked casual in jeans. That was his cue to say ‘yeah I’m working from home today’, just as part of a normal conversation. But he didn’t say anything. I get why OP thinks that’s weird. Even though some people on this thread think it’s none of her business if her husband and children’s father wants to withhold information from her about where he’s going to be that day, despite the fact that she relies on him to get home from the station.

dontcallmeduck · 05/09/2019 21:32

I often come home at 1pm to work at home and DH who had set off to the office is here. He doesn’t tell me he’s coming home and I don’t tell him. It’s irrelevant because we’re both still working.

BackforGood · 05/09/2019 21:34

He has shared his work calendar with me

Really ? I barely have enough mind space to know where I am working two days hence, I really don't need to know where dh is, unless it impacts on availability to taxi the dc about, which wouldn't impact during the working day.