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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH not telling me he's working from home

171 replies

managedmis · 05/09/2019 20:53

So this morning we leave to do the school drop off. DH in jeans. Oh, you're casual, I say. Yeah, he says. Fine.

He drops me at the station, then does the school run. Texts me to say all fine with the drop off.

Fast forward to this afternoon. I text him, say I'll pick the kids up as I'm leaving work early. Oh, the car is actually here at home, so I'll do it (we car share), I've worked from home today. Oh - why didn't you tell me, I said? Oh, I had a 7.30am meeting that I wouldn't have made so I stayed at home instead.

Why didn't he tell me? Aibu to think he should let me know?

(Even if IABU I forgot to get some bolognaise out of the freezer for dinner, which he could have done if he'd have told me he was working from home, but he didn't!!)

OP posts:

Mammylamb · 05/09/2019 22:12

I think you are being a wee bit unreasonable. I don’t understand why people think it they’re married they need to tell their spouse every little thing.

My suspicion is that he thought you’d find lots of things for him to do if he was WFH and decided not to tell you

Wheelerdeeler · 05/09/2019 22:12

Weird.

I decided to come home at lunch to wfh and wasn't sure if DH would be still here. I text him to say I was on my way. Its just respect to keep other partner informed.

DarkDarkNight · 05/09/2019 22:16

Weird not to tell you. It would have taken more effort to omit to tell you than to just say ‘oh I’m working from home today’ when you mentioned the casual clothes. I think it’s strange to drive your partner to the train station and not mention it. It’s quite deliberate.

Maybe it was a sneaky day of annual leave and he just wanted to do nothing.

TheMistressQuickly · 05/09/2019 22:16

YANBU. He should have said.

GetUpAgain · 05/09/2019 22:17

Wfh is not the same thing as having me time. But it is lovely to be alone without anyone bothering you and to get into a proper state of flow.

If DH knows I am wfh he does tend to bother me compared to if I am in the office or out at meetings. So I don't always mention it. However if he commented on me wearing jeans or if we needed to share the car, of course I would mention it.

AryaStarkWolf · 05/09/2019 22:19

@Dadiator it's not about asking for permission though, you don't think it's a little bit weird that he wouldn't say oh I'm working from home when the OP said he looked for casual? Isn't that just normal conversation?

Leftielefterson · 05/09/2019 22:20

I think it’s odd too OP. He obviously knew he was working from home before you left and didn’t think to mention it. I don’t feel the need to report to my DP or vice versa but we’d definitely mention it.

morrisseysquif · 05/09/2019 22:21

He had the chance to tell you during the jean wearing conversation but chose not to. He didn't want any 'wife work' added to his day no doubt.

ELM8 · 05/09/2019 22:22

No I agree it's weird - why wouldn't he have just said?!

SheWoreBlueVelvet · 05/09/2019 22:23

YANBU unless it’s a fairly normal situation.

I would expect changes in routine to be comminucated as it might have some bearing on my day. Not because I thought he was up to anything.

Woodlandwitch · 05/09/2019 22:25

I sometimes have a secret work from home day

Just something nice about the peace and quiet and don’t feel dh needs to know

ineedaholidaynow · 05/09/2019 22:28

If you car share how does the other person get home when the other one takes the car from the station.

I would have thought he would have mentioned it in the morning even it was to say the car would not be at the station

CTRLALTDELETED · 05/09/2019 22:30

Did you call him out on it OP? What did he say?

tillytrotter1 · 05/09/2019 22:31

I genuinely think the posters that think its completely fine to not share details like this in a ltr haven't actually had the experience of a serious committed relationship or just have their bars set really low and should refrain from advising.

Not sure if 51 years qualifies for a 'LTR' but we certainly don't keep each other on leads.

MsPepperPotts · 05/09/2019 22:38

YANBU OP.

teenagetantrums · 05/09/2019 22:41

What a werid thread. My and DP know when the other is working. We both work random shift pattern so share a diary. I wouldn't care if DP was working at home but would be werid if l wasn't told. I don't have school aged kids but surely pick ups need coridinting so both parents need to know where other one is and who is doing what

MsPepperPotts · 05/09/2019 22:43

Ask yourself what his reaction would have been if you had done the exact same thing today.

Yabbers · 05/09/2019 22:47

I work from home a fair bit. OH is away to work before I get up. Some days I can’t face the commute. Some days I have an early conference call I won’t make it to the office for. I never thing to let OH know I’m doing that, why would I? He doesn’t need to know where I am. He can check findmyiphone if he’s bothered (which he isn’t)

I would have had some sympathy if he hadn’t offered to do the school run and it was easier for him to do if WFH. And if he’s at home he really should have thought about what’s for dinner, but I can’t see why you feel he has to tell you.

MadamePewter · 05/09/2019 22:49

I think it’s weird for him not to have mentioned it

inesj · 05/09/2019 22:51

I wfh when I need to and I quite often don't mention it.

I don't want to be disturbed. Or asked to just "insert mundane task". Because I'm working and not available in exactly the same way as I would be unavailable in the office, but if I'm at home - that seems to be forgotten.

So I say nothing. And pick the children up from after school club at the same time as usual. And I might say that I was WFH today in passing to DH in the evening or I might not. It's not really any of his business....

Yabbers · 05/09/2019 22:54

He could have said “Yeah, I’m wfh today.”

Or, he could just say “yeah” because he doesn’t think he needs to tell her where he is going to be.

Or, he was half asleep and wasn’t in the mood for conversation.

Or, he was distracted, thinking about something else.

OH wouldn’t get much out of me first thin in the morning if he were here.

Mummyshark2019 · 05/09/2019 22:57

I agree with you. He should have told you. Has he done anything like this before? Has he worked from home a lot in the past few months or weeks? Perhaps just ask him why he did not tell you?

jesuschristwtf · 05/09/2019 22:57

What?! Why would a grown man need to tell you anything? Are you suspicious because you think he might be cheating on you, and during his secret wfh he’s brought someone back? Do you not trust him or something? If so - address your issues with him, as it can’t be just him not telling you he’s wfh that’s bothering you.

TheDarkPassenger · 05/09/2019 22:59

I work from a few offices across the county and I also visit clients across the county. Sometimes I pop home in the afternoons. If I told my partner where I was every time it changed I think he’d be thoroughly thoroughly bored. Equally I don’t really care where he is. I enjoy this relationship, I don’t like feeling smothered!

However op, the fact that you think it is suspicious makes me think there’s something else that has made you suspicious before?

SoupDragon · 05/09/2019 23:00

But fibbing about it and pretending to go to work when you're not is a bit odd

That didn't happen.

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