DH not telling me he's working from home

[managedmis]

So this morning we leave to do the school drop off. DH in jeans. Oh, you're casual, I say. Yeah, he says. Fine.

He drops me at the station, then does the school run. Texts me to say all fine with the drop off.

Fast forward to this afternoon. I text him, say I'll pick the kids up as I'm leaving work early. Oh, the car is actually here at home, so I'll do it (we car share), I've worked from home today. Oh - why didn't you tell me, I said? Oh, I had a 7.30am meeting that I wouldn't have made so I stayed at home instead.

Why didn't he tell me? Aibu to think he should let me know?

(Even if IABU I forgot to get some bolognaise out of the freezer for dinner, which he could have done if he'd have told me he was working from home, but he didn't!!)

It feels like he's made a point of not telling you.

We tend to tell each other our plans. Not because we are controlling, or strange, or whatever. But because we are busy, we have 3 school aged children and things need to get done between the two of us and sometimes one of us is in a better position to do it.

You are absolutely not unreasonable to be cross, but that doesn’t mean anything nefarious is going in.

He might need the crash course in relationships that many do: we’re partners not flatmates, we have children and responsibilities, we’re interested in each other’s lives - for all of the above reasons, this and this and this is the sort of thing to mention to me. It’s a learning process for some people, to distinguish between irrelevant info (what you are going to have for lunch) and relevant info to inform your partner (you’re staying out late that evening/catching a long distance train that day etc). And of course different couples will have different boundaries to negotiate and will consider different things to be important.

What if I'd have been ill, caught the train home, expecting the car to be at the station?

By your "rules" that would be your fault because you hadn't told him what you were doing.

I think the difference in posters opinions is from ones....

.... who simply have a different opinion.

I can’t imagine the kind of relationship where one partner is dressed casually for working from home and the other partner comments on it and instead of saying ‘yeah I’m working from home’ they just say ‘yeah’.

And just from the fact that they’re wearing jeans, they expect the other partner to deduce that that means the car won’t be at the station later on.

Why not just communicate? Some posters on here are acting like it’s none of OPs fucking business. How miserable to think that your own husband - with whom you do a daily car share - working from home is none of your business.

I don't tell dh and he doesn't tell me. Which is fine until we have a day where we've both decided to work from home and then glower at each other across the dining room table.

Worst week was when we both took a week's leave without telling each other! :)

I really don't understand why you didn't realise he was working from home if he was in jeans and didn't have his laptop with him.

@CTRLALT

Exactly.

There isn't anything controlling about basic courtesy within a relationship.

That does not mean telling each other every tiny thing but keeping each other in the general loop.

My husband would tell me if he had an out of office meeting that would take him out of reach if I was stuck.

Where he would exactly be wouldn't be of interest but the knowledge that there's no point ringing him as he won't be about is a definite courtesy that we have always had in our relationship.

I find it odd that he didn't mention it to you OP but could be nothing more than shit communication. I disagree with PP who think a mere mention to your significant other that you'll be working from home is somehow controlling or un-"cool"

Instead I had to text him to say I'm leaving early, why didn't he tell me as soon as he decided? What if I'd have been ill, caught the train home, expecting the car to be at the station? Where the fuck is the car?! Oh, it's at home darling,

This is why his lack of communication is just bloody rude. He hasn’t thought about you at all in all of this.

Is he usually so thoughtless and selfish?

It's not unusual for my dh to have no idea where I am during the working day as I work from home, customer sites or the office as needed.

But in your case, especially since you'd have had no car at the station, I find it odd he'd not mentioned it. Not necessarily suspicious about anything bad, just really odd he'd not mentioned it when asked about jeans etc.

I agree with CherryPlum
Why on earth didnt he mention it ?. Sorry but u think hes hiding something.

I agree with @CTRLALTDELETED

What’s weird about this is that OP mentioned to DH that he looked casual in jeans. That was his cue to say ‘yeah I’m working from home today’, just as part of a normal conversation. But he didn’t say anything. I get why OP thinks that’s weird. Even though some people on this thread think it’s none of her business if her husband and children’s father wants to withhold information from her about where he’s going to be that day, despite the fact that she relies on him to get home from the station

He’s in the wrong. Why and what’s behind it is anyone’s guess

I think the way you have described it, it certainly does sound a bit suspicious .

When you mentioned his jeans that would have been the normal time for him to mention it, in a very normal, conversational way.

His wording of "oh actually the car is here" also sounds unnatural and guilty to me.

I hope you got through to him how it inconvenienced you and could have been even worse for you as you say, if you had been ill, or a child was ill or anything else.

Does he have a location tracker thing on his phone??! For you to check?

Do you think he was just skivving? Or something worse? I think I would want to know the reason for his behaviour.

To whoever asked about deciding on the day - I officially work one day a week from home, but I am flexible to the demands of my job, which means that I might go several weeks in a row without a day from home. It's not that I can't be arsed to go to work, quite the opposite! Also, you can get loads more done from home if you have a noisy office and a job that requires concentration.

YABU and weird.

It sounds a bit strange to me, saying where you are isn't over-sharing.

Perhaps he wanted to watch the cricket

My husband never tells me if he's working at home. I'm not interested to be honest. It wouldn't occur to me to be annoyed about this.

it all sounds a bit odd, I'm struggling to think of a single innocent reason why he wouldn't have told you, especially as you mentioned he was wearing jeans.

Have you got a significant birthday or anything like that coming up, OP?

It wouldn't have bothered me when I was married, wouldn't have given it a second thought. But then I was completely oblivious, didn't notice that my ex was having an affair for years under my very nose 😂

I'd feel very controlled if I was expected to share my every movement with someone else.

So I'm guessing the 07:30 meeting was a short one if he'd done that from home and then had time to take you to the station before doing the school run?

Also, do you both take a set of car keys with you to work so that first one back can use the car that's been left at the station? If you're sharing the car in that way then I'd have thought it would courtesy to share your plans for the day with each other so you know who is doing the school run and whether the car would be there to use when you get back from work.

I don't blame you for being annoyed as he had obviously decided to work at home before you left and had deliberately withheld information. I think it quite likely that he had the day off and didn't want to tell you as perhaps you would have asked or expected him to do various jobs. It's the kind of thing my DH would do.

Some people on here have very weird relationships. I tell my DH when I'm working at home simply because we share information! I also tell him if I have a hair appointment (even then he doesn't notice I've had it cut, but maybe one day...) or a doctors appointment, because to me that is what couples do. They talk to each about their day and the next day and the weekend. Even if I got 100 messages saying YABU I wouldn't care.

YANBU. It basically came up in conversation and he avoided telling you.

Mine does this regularly. Doesn't tell me. Although he's taking naps and gaming during the day and doing minimal work. Then has to work early/late to catch up.

Yes, it annoys me because it's common courtesy to say where you will be and it's not like we aren't in contact in the day.

Some people on here have very weird relationships. I tell my DH when I'm working at home simply because we share information! I also tell him if I have a hair appointment (even then he doesn't notice I've had it cut, but maybe one day...) or a doctors appointment, because to me that is what couples do. They talk to each about their day and the next day and the weekend. Even if I got 100 messages saying YABU I wouldn't care.

Exactly, it's somehow weird, clingy and controlling to have conversations with your OH these days and apparently being annoyed about something has to occur to people too