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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH not telling me he's working from home

171 replies

managedmis · 05/09/2019 20:53

So this morning we leave to do the school drop off. DH in jeans. Oh, you're casual, I say. Yeah, he says. Fine.

He drops me at the station, then does the school run. Texts me to say all fine with the drop off.

Fast forward to this afternoon. I text him, say I'll pick the kids up as I'm leaving work early. Oh, the car is actually here at home, so I'll do it (we car share), I've worked from home today. Oh - why didn't you tell me, I said? Oh, I had a 7.30am meeting that I wouldn't have made so I stayed at home instead.

Why didn't he tell me? Aibu to think he should let me know?

(Even if IABU I forgot to get some bolognaise out of the freezer for dinner, which he could have done if he'd have told me he was working from home, but he didn't!!)

OP posts:
Leeds2 · 05/09/2019 21:36

I would've expected him to tell me, so YANBU.

Onesailwait · 05/09/2019 21:37

Maybe he wasnt working from home and actuallt had taken the day off to veg out in front of the tv and didn't want to explain himself or do anything else. I have booked a day off tomorrow haven't told my Dh or the kids i will do the school run dressed as usual then rush home, stopping for coffee & take out on the way. I will sit in bed all day.& watch netflix. It will be my little secret.

billy1966 · 05/09/2019 21:37

I think because you mentioned him wearing jeans and he didn't fill you in, it was lying by omission. I think that was deliberate. I think that is strange.

My husband doesn't work from home but he would always fill me in loosely in his arrangements, as would I.
But not always.

I find it strange that he was wearing jeans and despite it being remarked upon he didn't fill you in. That is weird. It would have been natural to fill you in I think.

ColouringPencils · 05/09/2019 21:38

I'm going to work from home tomorrow and my husband doesn't know that yet. He usually leaves before me, so possibly won't notice in the morning either. It's the kind of thing I might mention before he left, but would definitely come up at some point during the day. It's not about hiding something, I often only decide on the day. I don't find your husband's behaviour suspicious, but I would be annoyed if he'd left me stranded without the car and hadn't told me.

LolaSmiles · 05/09/2019 21:43

DH doesn't tell me if he's working different hours to usual unless it would affect me.
I don't tell him if I'm coming home at 3:30 or 5:30, but would if it was later as it would affect mealtimes.

I'd be a bit frustrated that he didn't keep you in the loop over the car use, but in terms of reporting his working plans I don't see why he would need to.

Kindlethefourth · 05/09/2019 21:44

Sometimes I don't tell my family
I am WFH. Otherwise no-one would help tidying kitchen/loading and unloading dishwasher the night before and DH would come up with lots of little chores for me (this is a long standing banter with us stemming from when I was part time) or prescriptions that need collecting or things that need posting. DD1 wouldn't stay at school in the sixth form if she thought I could collect her from train station in the car. Also I get a childish sense of sneakiness by my little secret. I don't tell a direct lie about it.........but I don't always let them know my plans. Grin

Daddiator · 05/09/2019 21:45

Does he need permission to go to the toilet?

EvilPostbox · 05/09/2019 21:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Limt · 05/09/2019 21:48

What is that you suspect OP?

Cambionome · 05/09/2019 21:48

YANBU op.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 05/09/2019 21:50

So is his usual routine to drop you at the station, drop the kids and school then double back to the station and park up?

Caucho · 05/09/2019 21:52

He should have told you I think. Not because he has to but seems a bit dishonest by omission. Saying that I don’t know you or your personality. Would you have suddenly made a barrage of requests and orders about x, y, z ‘since you’re home’ when working?

Technically he’s at work so shouldn’t make a difference but there are some very minor practical things such as taking Bolognese out of the freezer he could have done but perhaps knew it would invite a barrage of things and no good deeds go unpunished scenario

SunshineCake · 05/09/2019 21:53

Getting some Bolognese out of the freezer is hardly. Doing jobs ffs

Beaverdam · 05/09/2019 21:55

I dont think he has done anything wrong.

chardonm · 05/09/2019 21:57

He doesn't have to tell you of course. But it's weird. A normal person would have responded "yes I'm WFH" when asked about the jeans.

cakeandchampagne · 05/09/2019 21:59

It is strange he didn’t tell you.

tolerable · 05/09/2019 22:00

is work from home usually a thing? i think id be annoyed.go with your gut

DustOffYourHighestHopes · 05/09/2019 22:00

Dh and I would always tell each other if we were working from home.

Caucho · 05/09/2019 22:01

Of course it’s not a job taking something out the freezer! But then what after you get a message saying can you do this? Then another do that ‘since you’re home’ etc etc. I’m projecting slightly. I’ve said it’s odd to mention it otherwise. I do know working from home isn’t fully respected sometimes though. The amount of times some (almost primarily) women try to get such an arrangement to save on childcare for their toddler is ridiculous and one reason why many employers are against it

Elieza · 05/09/2019 22:02

It seems strange he didn’t tell you the reason for his casual dress was due to him wfh. He had the chance to say it but didn’t. I can only presume that’s because a)you should know that he’s wfh due to the jeans as that’s what he always does , b)he thinks he already told you, c) he’s hiding it from you on purpose.
Narrow it down - what happened the last time he worked from home and told you? Did you get him to just do this chore and just do that chore and he therefore didn’t tell you so he could avoid that? If that’s not the case has he got a lot on his mind and is totally trustworthy and seems content, so he’s probably just forgotten to tell you and thought he already did hence no need to explain the jeans as you ‘already knew’ in his mind? No unusual behaviour, text at weird tones, taking calls outside, weird spends from the bank account, locking his phone which would seem there is something fishy going on. Did he have his good aftershave on or pay extra attention to his hair or anything that could lead you to believe he’s up to something?
He probably isn’t. As someone else said perhaps he just fancied a day to himself.

BigFluffyCatWhiskers · 05/09/2019 22:02

Sadiesnakes Haha! Righto... DH and I have been together 35 years. We both have busy jobs. We both work away a fair bit.

We both work flexibly. I might decide to wfh at 11pm the night before as might he. We just ask each other where we are the next day if we know we aren't away.

But fibbing about it and pretending to go to work when you're not is a bit odd. I wouldn't be happy about that.

Although some years ago I did have a colleague with a new born who used to pretend to his wife he had to work away. In reality he was booking into a local Travelodge near the office just to get a good night's sleep and leave his poor wife to it. When he told us he thought we would be impressed with his ingenuity. We were not - all parents both male and female - and told him so in no uncertain terms. He was a monumental arse though.

MrsFezziwig · 05/09/2019 22:03

Unless you are in the habit of loading him up with jobs if you know he is WFH, then it is weird that he didn’t mention it when you remarked on his jeans.
Also if one of the children had an accident, is it not helpful to know roughly where your spouse is - rather than having to start tracking them down in an already traumatic situation? - ie managedmis Jr has broken a limb at school, DH is at home with the car so he can go and pick them up, as opposed to DH is in Birmingham so I know I have to sort this out myself.

TitsInAbsentia · 05/09/2019 22:09

I rarely bother to tell DH if I've ended up working from home, he's not contactable at work (oooh imagine that, not being able to speak and text every five minutes of the day Grin ) so at most he'll get a text from me that he will pick up on the way home asking him to pick up dinner/not pick up dinner depending on what we'd agreed the previous night.

So I'm wondering whether you are worried he's lost his job and hasn't told you / is having a fling / has depression / something else ?

MashedSpud · 05/09/2019 22:11

You said “Oh you’re casual” and he said “Yeah”.

He could have said “Yeah, I’m wfh today.”

Why did he choose not to tell you? Does he often wfh and not mention it? If he tells you do you complain that you have to go to work or call him to get jobs done before you get back?

Ravenblack · 05/09/2019 22:12

@managedmis

YANBU.

Whilst there is not necessarily anything going on, and he technically is not doing anything wrong, I think it's odd that he didn't let you know.

Maybe he just wanted some 'me time' and didn't want you bothering him. Who knows?

Did he tell you he WAS at work when he wasn't?

Or did he just not say he is working at home?

So like was it a downright lie, or a lie by omission?

There is a bit of a difference. Both are annoying, but the 'downright lie' is worse.