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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ignore my mum's very kind offer?

133 replies

AnExParrot · 05/09/2019 17:30

I debated whether I should post this but I just want a little back-up outside of my DH (although I recognise I may not get it).

I am 36 weeks pregnant and all is going well. The only issue that's arisen time and time again is the question of how I'm going to get to the hospital when I go into labour.

I can drive. My DH is visually impaired so is not legally allowed to learn to drive. So far, no problem, really; when The Time Comes we'll get a taxi to the hospital.

This is huge problem for my mum. I'm not going to exaggerate for effect but we've probably had the following cyclic conversation, by rote, twice a month since I announced my pregnancy 7 months ago.

Mum: How're you getting to the hospital???
Me: we'll be getting a taxi
Mum: you can't get a taxi!
Me: yes, we can. Plenty of people do
Mum: but what if they won't take you?!
Me: then we'll phone another company
Mum: but what if THEY won't take you?!
Me: then we'll phone an ambulance
Mum: ambulances don't pick up women in labour!
Me: they will if I'm crowning

I spoke to my midwife who said they'd had many women turning up by taxi for various reasons and they'd never heard of any issues. I've phoned 3 local companies and all said they'd be happy to take me: one even took my name and said they'd bump me to the front of the queue if I called (very kind of them).

My mum is still not happy and will not stop.

I understand her anxiety: I'm her oldest daughter and will be having the first grandchild. I sympathise with the worry, I really do, but neither my DH or I are concerned about transport (we know we'll get the hospital one way or another). In fact, it's the only thing I'm NOT worried about. About a month ago, I asked her to stop talking about it: she's aired her worries multiple times and I've listened. I've explained that I want to get a taxi; I trust the companies I've called; knowing the taxi companies are 2mins down the road makes me feel in control; and the only person I want with me when I'm in labour is my DH.

Last week, her and my dad came round for dinner and she said this (paraphrased), in a tone that brooked no argument:

"When you go into labour, I want you to call me. When you start contracting you WILL call me and me and your dad WILL come and take you to the hospital. Then we will take you home again. Call me."

Now, this is very kind but did annoy me a little. I'm a 30 year old woman with a husband, not a 16 year old going to her first house party. My parents are an hour away on a good day (when there's traffic, the journey can take up to 2.5 hours). Also, I love my parents dearly but I don't want them hanging around the hospital's waiting room for hours - I only want my DH with me.

I should probably have stood my ground but I'm exhausted with this conversation so I just said "sure". When my DH got home that evening, I told him about it. He pulled a face and said:

"Well, we're not doing that. You want to take a taxi. I'll just say you were in too much pain and I panicked, forgot about Their Plan and just called a cab. I'll tell them you're in labour when we're safe at the hospital - that way your mum won't have any scope to panic because we'll already be there. I'll take the blame."

I said I felt bad because what if that hurt her feelings. He said "To be honest, love, I don't care about her feelings. When you go into labour, I'll only care about you and what makes you feel most comfortable."

Him offering to do that made me feel a lot better and more in control but I do feel a little guilty. It's very kind of them to offer to come so far out of their way for me and I feel like maybe I'm being self-centred and ungrateful. They're good people and I understand my mum's worry. I just want to do it my way. AIBU?

OP posts:
jamoncrumpet · 05/09/2019 17:34

Proceed with your original plan OP. No need to tell your mum that though. Wink

Doubletrouble99 · 05/09/2019 17:34

I think your DH is right, just nod away at your mum but have your own plans and leave it at that.

maslinpan · 05/09/2019 17:35

Their plan is ludicrously impractical given the potential traffic issues. It is also not treating you as an adult who has researched a perfectly sensible plan, they are treating you like a child. Your DH is completely right, it's not about them, it's about doing the right thing for you and your baby.

MrsMozartMkII · 05/09/2019 17:35

Bollox to that. They're too far away to be helpful in that situation. Stick to your taxi plan lass.

bellajay · 05/09/2019 17:36

YANBU. And it’s good of your husband to take the blame. All will be forgotten once the grandchild arrives!

I wouldn’t want my parents hanging about while I was in labour either.

windmill121 · 05/09/2019 17:36

There is no point stressing about things like this. Just agree and so your own thing when the time comes

maslinpan · 05/09/2019 17:36

Even if they accepted your taxi plan, what are the odds they will check you have enough money for the fare? Quite high, perhaps!

Original poster
AnExParrot · 05/09/2019 17:36

Thank you, guys. I know I probably sound like a total pushover but I'm glad that other people are on my side.

OP posts:
Templetonstunafish · 05/09/2019 17:37

If she is likely to turn up at the hospital just message her when you've had the baby. She'll be too excited by her new grandchild to be bothered.

BeepBeeeep · 05/09/2019 17:37

I would just have said ok mum, will do thanks.
Then got a taxi when the time comes.

sonjadog · 05/09/2019 17:38

Yup. Just nod and then do what you want.

Couchpotato3 · 05/09/2019 17:38

For goodness sake don't tell them you are in labour, even once you are at the hospital, otherwise they will be hovering outside the room. You really do need to stand your ground (even if by stealth ie just not calling them) otherwise you will get more and more of this behaviour once the baby arrives. Your baby, your rules, rinse and repeat. And good luck!

DowntonCrabby · 05/09/2019 17:38

Nod, smile and still take a taxi.

DoomsdayCult · 05/09/2019 17:39

Don’t feel bad. Literally you being comfortable increases chances of good labour and outcome. Your DH is wonderful for offering to run interference for you.
Since you only want him there, he should not have to call them until after the baby arrives.

HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone · 05/09/2019 17:39

Gosh your mother sounds exhausting there's absolutely nothing wrong with your plan and it's truly none of her business what you choose to do. I'm glad to see your DH is talking sense into you, please listen to him.

whyamidoingthis · 05/09/2019 17:39

The only thing I would say is wrong with your dh's plan is telling them you are in labour. Tell them when the child is born.

Goostacean · 05/09/2019 17:40

Oh my daaaays, yes, get a taxi! And don't think twice about any of it! Smile and nod and say thanks, and let your DH be the fall guy since he's kind enough to offer!

Ridiculous suggestion that you should have to wait, or time things with your parents' travel, or be accompanied by anyone other than your DH if you don't want to be.

aliceneedswine · 05/09/2019 17:40

Stick with your plan. You've got a great DH there! If you hurt her feelings she will get over it. It sounds like she just wants to be at the hospital with you all through your labour and the birth. If that's not what you want then ignore her and call a taxi when the time comes. Good luck. I hope you have a speedy labour and a safe birth for your baby Thanks

Knittedfairies · 05/09/2019 17:41

Tell them you've arranged for a friend to take you in. That should work providing you ask your new friend a.k.a. the taxi driver, his/her name.

Dandelion1993 · 05/09/2019 17:42

Just don't tell the you're in labour until baby is here. That's what we did.

Original poster
AnExParrot · 05/09/2019 17:42

Thank you all, so much.
I think I'll spend the next 4-6 weeks trying to find a spine strong enough to stand my ground for my kid-to-be! Smile

OP posts:
thinkingaboutthinking19 · 05/09/2019 17:44

Agree with everyone else. Go with your plan. Also agree that it might be better to only inform them after baby is here - sounds like they may just turn up at the hospital otherwise...

Jamhandprints · 05/09/2019 17:46

When I was pregnant with DS1 my mum kept saying she wanted to be in the delivery room with me. I kept saying no. When I went into labour DH sent a text round and she turned up at the hospital and convinced them to let her into the delivery room. So there I was, on the toilet, mid contraction...And I hear my mum's cheery voice "Jam, I'm here!"
Luckily the hospital only allowed one birth partner and she wasn't heartless enough to kick DH out so she went but I did not need that extra stress!
So definitely don't tell her until you are at the pushing stage!

NoSquirrels · 05/09/2019 17:46

Oh you’re absolutely fine, OP. Taxi to hospital is all-round better than a panicking birthing partner trying to find a place to park the car, anyway - I think ALL women should take a taxi!

Your DH sounds lovely. Just agree with your Mum and say thank you, then do what you like.

Tell them when the baby is born and not before - she sounds like a worrier so better not to contact when you’re in labour.

Whatsername7 · 05/09/2019 17:49

Your mum is being pushy and overbearing. She needs to accept she can not control this and that you are not a baby. However, it must be hard for her too - you are her baby. When I was in labour with dd1 I was already in hospital as I had preeclampsia. I'd been admitted the previous day and my contractions started the following morning. I rang to say I thought things were starting but my mum insisted on coming to visit during visiting hours. She didn't leave until visiting finished despite my contractions coming thick and fast and me suggesting she go so I could get the midwives to examine me. She just sort of sat there, immovable. After she admitted she felt like she couldn't leave me, and it was like I was 10 again and just needed her. This was after continually telling me that I needed to keep the delivery room to just me, dh and the midwife throughout my labour. When it came to it, she couldnt bring herself to leave. At the time, I wanted to kill her!