To ignore my mum's very kind offer?

[AnExParrot]

I debated whether I should post this but I just want a little back-up outside of my DH (although I recognise I may not get it).

I am 36 weeks pregnant and all is going well. The only issue that's arisen time and time again is the question of how I'm going to get to the hospital when I go into labour.

I can drive. My DH is visually impaired so is not legally allowed to learn to drive. So far, no problem, really; when The Time Comes we'll get a taxi to the hospital.

This is huge problem for my mum. I'm not going to exaggerate for effect but we've probably had the following cyclic conversation, by rote, twice a month since I announced my pregnancy 7 months ago.

Mum: How're you getting to the hospital???
Me: we'll be getting a taxi
Mum: you can't get a taxi!
Me: yes, we can. Plenty of people do
Mum: but what if they won't take you?!
Me: then we'll phone another company
Mum: but what if THEY won't take you?!
Me: then we'll phone an ambulance
Mum: ambulances don't pick up women in labour!
Me: they will if I'm crowning

I spoke to my midwife who said they'd had many women turning up by taxi for various reasons and they'd never heard of any issues. I've phoned 3 local companies and all said they'd be happy to take me: one even took my name and said they'd bump me to the front of the queue if I called (very kind of them).

My mum is still not happy and will not stop.

I understand her anxiety: I'm her oldest daughter and will be having the first grandchild. I sympathise with the worry, I really do, but neither my DH or I are concerned about transport (we know we'll get the hospital one way or another). In fact, it's the only thing I'm NOT worried about. About a month ago, I asked her to stop talking about it: she's aired her worries multiple times and I've listened. I've explained that I want to get a taxi; I trust the companies I've called; knowing the taxi companies are 2mins down the road makes me feel in control; and the only person I want with me when I'm in labour is my DH.

Last week, her and my dad came round for dinner and she said this (paraphrased), in a tone that brooked no argument:

"When you go into labour, I want you to call me. When you start contracting you WILL call me and me and your dad WILL come and take you to the hospital. Then we will take you home again. Call me."

Now, this is very kind but did annoy me a little. I'm a 30 year old woman with a husband, not a 16 year old going to her first house party. My parents are an hour away on a good day (when there's traffic, the journey can take up to 2.5 hours). Also, I love my parents dearly but I don't want them hanging around the hospital's waiting room for hours - I only want my DH with me.

I should probably have stood my ground but I'm exhausted with this conversation so I just said "sure". When my DH got home that evening, I told him about it. He pulled a face and said:

"Well, we're not doing that. You want to take a taxi. I'll just say you were in too much pain and I panicked, forgot about Their Plan and just called a cab. I'll tell them you're in labour when we're safe at the hospital - that way your mum won't have any scope to panic because we'll already be there. I'll take the blame."

I said I felt bad because what if that hurt her feelings. He said "To be honest, love, I don't care about her feelings. When you go into labour, I'll only care about you and what makes you feel most comfortable."

Him offering to do that made me feel a lot better and more in control but I do feel a little guilty. It's very kind of them to offer to come so far out of their way for me and I feel like maybe I'm being self-centred and ungrateful. They're good people and I understand my mum's worry. I just want to do it my way. AIBU?

Suggest a cab or an ambulance . Tell your parents when the baby arrives not before .

You don't need to warn them, you don't need to tell them anything at all!

I waited until I was just about to go into theatre for a c section and then told my Mum - she would have freaked out. You do you.

Put the taxi fare in the bottom of the spaghetti jar, like Adrian Mole's mum did. Just don't get your hand stuck in the jar trying to get it out, like Adrian did just before the birth of his baby sister!

Don't be surprised if she doesn't book into your nearest hotel come the last week!

I was going to say I'd take your mum up on her offer, but then saw how far away they are - that's not feasible! So you'd potentially have to wait 2 hours for them to turn up?!
Well that'd be fine if baby took ages, but if he was a quick popper outer you'd be screwed!
No, thank her for the offer and say "thank you, but I'm taking a taxi so I know I can get there on time thank you anyway (ad infinitum if you have to!)
I suffer from anxiety, so get where she's coming from but she'll just have to suck it up lol

Might be worth as PP suggested saying you’ve considered her worries and a friend who lives round the corner has agreed to take you in. After all they can then just pop back home after dropping you so that’s easier on everyone. Then you can’t be told off for not telling her you went into labour once you were at the hospital either

I felt really embarrassed in labour so wouldn’t have wanted to be sat in a taxi- I didn’t know this until I was in labour.

I think it’s a really lovely thing they’re offering, I know you’re 30 and tbh, your age isn’t relevant, you’re still their child. They just want to help, you don’t have to push them away and saying yes to them wouldn’t take away your independence. It’s not like they’re asking to stay with you in hospital, just making your journey more comfortable.

By the time you’ll be needing to go to hospital you’ll more than likely be in a lot of pain, imagine if you have to then get a taxi to and from until you’re dilated enough to stay in hospital.
Not to mention the fact that your waters don’t stop leaking when they break and the mess it would create if they went on your taxi journey.

Don’t be so hasty to be pissed off with your mum for rattling on.

^i didn’t see how far away they are however

To be honest in situations like this where people dont listen, and it's not worth falling out over, I think it's best just to lie!

You've suddenly got a friend who is prepared to take you any time even the middle of the night, great!

I’d be tempted to reply to ‘how are you getting to hospital?’ With daft answers:
‘DH has agreed to give me a piggy back the whole way!’
‘We bought pogo sticks and will hop the whole way!’

Are you prepared for the non-stop phone calls near your due date?
You'd have been better off to stick to your guns and make it clear you weren't going to take her up on her offer.

Much better to be honest, and it's good practice for when the baby arrives and she tells you that you're doing everything wrong..... !!

I took a taxi. It was fine, and much better and safer than being driven by a super-stressed DH or family member!

Your DM is putting her own need to control the situation first. Way above common sense, or your own (very reasonable) choice, or your actual physical wellbeing.

I would get some practice in now at not going along with her wishes. Because I don't think this is the last time she will try to force you to do things her way.

My DM started sleeping with her phone on in her hand in case I needed her. I think having a pgnt DD must be scary and your Mum is trying to help she's worried.
Tell her when baby is safely here she will over the moon god forbid her driving to you in traffic worrying is dangerous. My OTT Mum is a amazing gran good luck 🍀

I got a taxi. Actually I got a black cab because a football match went to extra time and we couldn't get a minicab to come to where we lived by a stadium. It was fine, driver didn't charge us and was very sweet. You sound like you've got a solid plan and a lovely DH and you'll be fine. Your mum needs to hold her own feelings (and if she can't you need to detach from them). It's all so easy on paper!

I know it absolutely is coming from a place if concern and worry for her DD, having been through labour herself, but the OP’s mum does have to recognise that what’s best for her DD is not what anyone else thinks, regardless of experience- it’s what her DD and her DH need.

I bloody love my mum for saying right up front “Please don’t tell me when you’re in labour, because I’ll worry. Call me when the baby is born.” I guess it could sound cruel and unsupportive and like she was just thinking about herself - but the reality was she was hours away and in no position to “help” - and what help could she have realistically been anyway that my DH could not? It gave me ultimate permission to do it all my way, and I am so grateful for that.

"Well, we're not doing that. You want to take a taxi. I'll just say you were in too much pain and I panicked, forgot about Their Plan and just called a cab. I'll tell them you're in labour when we're safe at the hospital - that way your mum won't have any scope to panic because we'll already be there. I'll take the blame."

Your DH is a legend and I think I might love him a little bit

DH has your back you will be fine. Stick to the plan. She wont remember it once baby is here anyway. This is her anxiety coming into play and she wants to be in control to help, it won't and she can't...

I never told my mum I was in labour, she lived to far away, I knew she would worry and I couldn't deal with her on top of everything else so she had a lovely surprise one morning when dh rang her and said baby was here, a little earlier than due date.

Just get a taxi when the time comes. Your mum can be informed when your baby is born. It never occurred to me to tell my mother or in laws when I went into labour, husband and I just organised it on our own and told them after the event

If its going to shut her up.agree to her plan
Then when you go into labour 'forget' and phone her once the baby has arrived

The problem with pretending to agree with her plan, is that as your due date approaches she may be in constant contact with you because you've arranged for her to take you to hospital. The idea of not telling her until after the baby is born is fine in theory, unless of course the baby arrives on time or late, as many first babies do. You're going to have to practice being assertive with her, so better to start now.

I was all ready to say just let her drive you, but it’s not practical as she’s so far away and you’re right you are an adult. I got a taxi to the hospital with no problems. Your mum won’t be able to say much once the baby has arrived safely. Good luck with it all Op, don’t let this stress you out!

I’ve got an overbearing MIL, so “hmm, that’s interesting”, “I’ll look into that” etc is how I get around her bossiness of you must do this, that and the next thing.

And don’t let your parents when you’re in labour. Our mum died when we were young, so I kind of mothered my little sister. She called me when she went into labour. I then didn’t hear anything for 36 hours!! Didn’t sleep or eat during that time, it was terrifying.

Good luck OP!

I took a taxi. We live in London, we don't have a car.

The taxi driver turned up with a plastic sheet for me to sit on. It was not his first rodeo! When he left us at the hospital he gave DH a hug.

Oh, and a taxi took us home again too when DD was born. They even provided a car seat for her, we didn't bother buying one. There are definitely companies who specialise in hospital runs OP!