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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ignore my mum's very kind offer?

133 replies

AnExParrot · 05/09/2019 17:30

I debated whether I should post this but I just want a little back-up outside of my DH (although I recognise I may not get it).

I am 36 weeks pregnant and all is going well. The only issue that's arisen time and time again is the question of how I'm going to get to the hospital when I go into labour.

I can drive. My DH is visually impaired so is not legally allowed to learn to drive. So far, no problem, really; when The Time Comes we'll get a taxi to the hospital.

This is huge problem for my mum. I'm not going to exaggerate for effect but we've probably had the following cyclic conversation, by rote, twice a month since I announced my pregnancy 7 months ago.

Mum: How're you getting to the hospital???
Me: we'll be getting a taxi
Mum: you can't get a taxi!
Me: yes, we can. Plenty of people do
Mum: but what if they won't take you?!
Me: then we'll phone another company
Mum: but what if THEY won't take you?!
Me: then we'll phone an ambulance
Mum: ambulances don't pick up women in labour!
Me: they will if I'm crowning

I spoke to my midwife who said they'd had many women turning up by taxi for various reasons and they'd never heard of any issues. I've phoned 3 local companies and all said they'd be happy to take me: one even took my name and said they'd bump me to the front of the queue if I called (very kind of them).

My mum is still not happy and will not stop.

I understand her anxiety: I'm her oldest daughter and will be having the first grandchild. I sympathise with the worry, I really do, but neither my DH or I are concerned about transport (we know we'll get the hospital one way or another). In fact, it's the only thing I'm NOT worried about. About a month ago, I asked her to stop talking about it: she's aired her worries multiple times and I've listened. I've explained that I want to get a taxi; I trust the companies I've called; knowing the taxi companies are 2mins down the road makes me feel in control; and the only person I want with me when I'm in labour is my DH.

Last week, her and my dad came round for dinner and she said this (paraphrased), in a tone that brooked no argument:

"When you go into labour, I want you to call me. When you start contracting you WILL call me and me and your dad WILL come and take you to the hospital. Then we will take you home again. Call me."

Now, this is very kind but did annoy me a little. I'm a 30 year old woman with a husband, not a 16 year old going to her first house party. My parents are an hour away on a good day (when there's traffic, the journey can take up to 2.5 hours). Also, I love my parents dearly but I don't want them hanging around the hospital's waiting room for hours - I only want my DH with me.

I should probably have stood my ground but I'm exhausted with this conversation so I just said "sure". When my DH got home that evening, I told him about it. He pulled a face and said:

"Well, we're not doing that. You want to take a taxi. I'll just say you were in too much pain and I panicked, forgot about Their Plan and just called a cab. I'll tell them you're in labour when we're safe at the hospital - that way your mum won't have any scope to panic because we'll already be there. I'll take the blame."

I said I felt bad because what if that hurt her feelings. He said "To be honest, love, I don't care about her feelings. When you go into labour, I'll only care about you and what makes you feel most comfortable."

Him offering to do that made me feel a lot better and more in control but I do feel a little guilty. It's very kind of them to offer to come so far out of their way for me and I feel like maybe I'm being self-centred and ungrateful. They're good people and I understand my mum's worry. I just want to do it my way. AIBU?

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 05/09/2019 17:50

I agree with everything, except, your DH shouldn't take the blame for not calling them...or he will be the bad guy in their eyes.

Once the baby arrives, tell them DH wanted to call them, but you said no.

It's always easier to resent the DIL or SIL... and even if they don't vocalise...they could hold it against him.

Original poster
AnExParrot · 05/09/2019 17:51

Jam - that sounds horrific! I'm so sorry that happened and will definitely be taking it as a cautionary tale!

And to all who are bigging up my DH - that's very sweet of you. He really is amazing and I'm very lucky to have someone who can help me put my foot down Grin

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 05/09/2019 17:51

To be honest, love, I don't care about her feelings. When you go into labour, I'll only care about you and what makes you feel most comfortable.

And please give your DH a gold star birthing partner award, in advance - this is absolutely what you need, someone who is 100% thinking about you and your needs.

Original poster
AnExParrot · 05/09/2019 17:53

Sandy - that's a very good point. Thank you for pointing it out. I'll tell the truth (though maybe afterwards as I might be a bit incapacitated at the time!) I don't want them resenting him.

OP posts:
tired17 · 05/09/2019 17:53

I think your mum is just worried about you and by coming up with this plan she feels less concerned about what will happen.

I know that you have a good plan yourself and should certainly stick to it but I can imagine her really worrying about it until she came up with this plan. So for her peace of mind I would nod and agree with her and then go with your taxi plan anyway. Tell her when you've had the baby rather than when you are in labour to reduce the stress on everyone

SpaceTreasure · 05/09/2019 17:53

I took a taxi, it was 2am, the hospital I booked into was closed, it was totally fine! No way would I rely on my mum!

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 05/09/2019 17:54

You have a lovely husband there OP... Good on him!

Babdoc · 05/09/2019 17:55

OP, I echo all the PPs, but may I also recommend you think about enforcing some boundaries with your mother?
You are quite right- she IS treating you like a child, and it is way past time for you to recalibrate the parent/child relationship to an adult/adult one.
Decide where you draw your lines and stick to them. Otherwise this will get orders of magnitude worse when your baby arrives. Your mother will take over and dictate all of the babycare to suit her wishes rather than yours.
Practise standing firm and saying No in front of the mirror if necessary!
Best wishes for a safe delivery and no interference afterwards...

Proseccoinamug · 05/09/2019 17:56

My dm turned up at the hospital when I was in labour too and wouldn’t leave.

Don’t tell her you’re in labour. Proceed with the original plan. Then tell her when baby’s here?

Unless you think she’ll create a song and dance that will upset you after the birth, in which case nip it in the bud now by saying a firm ‘no, that will not be happening, you’re overstepping the mark’ or getting your dh to tell her that!

Original poster
AnExParrot · 05/09/2019 17:56

tired - oh, yes. We're outwardly agreeing with her plan. I totally understand her worry, which is why I felt guilty for considering going against a plan that made her more comfortable.

OP posts:
SpaceTreasure · 05/09/2019 17:56

And my labour was short enough that any delay waiting for mum etc would have been risky...

stucknoue · 05/09/2019 17:59

My dad drove me, it's not a bad plan b. But in cities taxies will be used to taking labouring women - it's not all yelling for many people !

Redshoeblueshoe · 05/09/2019 18:02

My DD took a taxi to the hospital. It was fine. Her hospital is in the city, so it's better by taxi, as they can us bus lanes.

Witchend · 05/09/2019 18:08

I was told by the hospital most taxi companies in our area won't take a woman in labour.
They told me to call an ambulance.
I went in by bus.

daisypond · 05/09/2019 18:12

I took a taxi to the hospital with mine, and I came back with baby on the bus.

dustarr73 · 05/09/2019 18:12

RIng her at 5.30 am and tell her you are in labour.See how long it takes her.
Then ring again at 0.30 when they have just got home.And get them to come out again. not really

But maybe if you did it they would realise its just not feasable.

TanginaBarrons · 05/09/2019 18:13

Sounds like she is projecting her anxiety about your labour into something she feels she can control. I'm sure she means we'll but I agree, definitely make another plan. I took the bus after my waters had broken - no drama and all was well.

HypatiaCade · 05/09/2019 18:15

Make sure you get some disposable mattress protectors. Sometimes when your waters break you keep trickling, or, if your waters don't break early on they can break en-route and you want to be able to protect the taxi car seat - the driver will appreciate it a great deal! When booking the taxi tell them you have them and will be using them. They will be more willing to pick you up then.

BendydickCuminsnatch · 05/09/2019 18:17

Definitely don’t tell them anything until the baby is born. What if it goes on for days?? You don’t need them loitering and calling and being annoying.

Nandocushion · 05/09/2019 18:18

Slightly off topic OP but this made me laugh mainly because if it was MY Dad and I was in labour, he would pick me up first but then stop at the garden centre, hardware store etc on the way to the hospital, "no sense in going out twice" etc etc

fluffyjumper · 05/09/2019 18:18

Sounds like your mum is worried for you and wants to help. But also sounds like she may not just want to drop you off at the hospital but stay for the birth.

I would call them once baby is born and just say we didnt have the time to wait for you and the taxi picked us up with 5mins. It was easier for us and you and dp decided you needed to be at the hospital asap.

IdblowJonSnow · 05/09/2019 18:22

They are being crazy, altho I appreciate with good intentions.
In the nicest possible way you do sound a bit soft. Might be time to think about boundaries if you think they might be too keen when your baby comes?
Good luck!

anxiousbean · 05/09/2019 18:22

This sounds like when we first decided to host Christmas lunch at our house. I was 30. Both my mum and MIL turned up a few days before with a turkey. So we had three (because strangely enough I had already thought of that!).

Your plan is fine!

Bluetrews25 · 05/09/2019 18:23

Was just going to say what the PP @dustarr73 said - you could really have some fun here! And prove that you can't wait 2.5 hours for your free taxi when you are in full on labour, therefore you would need to call when not quite sure that it's really happening, just in case.
Might backfire though if she decides to move in with you.
Take care and make good plans for next time (if there is one, of course) as she is likely to insist on being with you to look after DC1 while Dad drives you both in for the 2nd labour.
Good luck with it all.
This is not a kind offer. That would be offering something that YOU want. Your title would be more accurate to be....to refuse my mother's very selfish and totally un-necessary offer?

WhatTiggersDoBest · 05/09/2019 18:23

YANBU and I think you have a solid plan. What if you dilate really fast while you're waiting for your mum and the baby gets born on the street or at home? I got an Uber to the hospital. I told my relatives nothing until AFTER the baby was born to minimize the chance of too many cooks trying to crowd us about our choices. I'm glad I did. We also got a taxi home, and post-CS (elective but not planned before I arrived at hospital) hubby got taxis to sort out things like a prescription I needed, too. I don't know why people get so worried about using taxis; every driver I've met in the past few weeks has bent over backwards to help us!