To ignore my mum's very kind offer?

[AnExParrot]

I debated whether I should post this but I just want a little back-up outside of my DH (although I recognise I may not get it).

I am 36 weeks pregnant and all is going well. The only issue that's arisen time and time again is the question of how I'm going to get to the hospital when I go into labour.

I can drive. My DH is visually impaired so is not legally allowed to learn to drive. So far, no problem, really; when The Time Comes we'll get a taxi to the hospital.

This is huge problem for my mum. I'm not going to exaggerate for effect but we've probably had the following cyclic conversation, by rote, twice a month since I announced my pregnancy 7 months ago.

Mum: How're you getting to the hospital???
Me: we'll be getting a taxi
Mum: you can't get a taxi!
Me: yes, we can. Plenty of people do
Mum: but what if they won't take you?!
Me: then we'll phone another company
Mum: but what if THEY won't take you?!
Me: then we'll phone an ambulance
Mum: ambulances don't pick up women in labour!
Me: they will if I'm crowning

I spoke to my midwife who said they'd had many women turning up by taxi for various reasons and they'd never heard of any issues. I've phoned 3 local companies and all said they'd be happy to take me: one even took my name and said they'd bump me to the front of the queue if I called (very kind of them).

My mum is still not happy and will not stop.

I understand her anxiety: I'm her oldest daughter and will be having the first grandchild. I sympathise with the worry, I really do, but neither my DH or I are concerned about transport (we know we'll get the hospital one way or another). In fact, it's the only thing I'm NOT worried about. About a month ago, I asked her to stop talking about it: she's aired her worries multiple times and I've listened. I've explained that I want to get a taxi; I trust the companies I've called; knowing the taxi companies are 2mins down the road makes me feel in control; and the only person I want with me when I'm in labour is my DH.

Last week, her and my dad came round for dinner and she said this (paraphrased), in a tone that brooked no argument:

"When you go into labour, I want you to call me. When you start contracting you WILL call me and me and your dad WILL come and take you to the hospital. Then we will take you home again. Call me."

Now, this is very kind but did annoy me a little. I'm a 30 year old woman with a husband, not a 16 year old going to her first house party. My parents are an hour away on a good day (when there's traffic, the journey can take up to 2.5 hours). Also, I love my parents dearly but I don't want them hanging around the hospital's waiting room for hours - I only want my DH with me.

I should probably have stood my ground but I'm exhausted with this conversation so I just said "sure". When my DH got home that evening, I told him about it. He pulled a face and said:

"Well, we're not doing that. You want to take a taxi. I'll just say you were in too much pain and I panicked, forgot about Their Plan and just called a cab. I'll tell them you're in labour when we're safe at the hospital - that way your mum won't have any scope to panic because we'll already be there. I'll take the blame."

I said I felt bad because what if that hurt her feelings. He said "To be honest, love, I don't care about her feelings. When you go into labour, I'll only care about you and what makes you feel most comfortable."

Him offering to do that made me feel a lot better and more in control but I do feel a little guilty. It's very kind of them to offer to come so far out of their way for me and I feel like maybe I'm being self-centred and ungrateful. They're good people and I understand my mum's worry. I just want to do it my way. AIBU?

When I was halfway through your op I was going to suggest exactly what you've done and your dh has suggested - i.e. agreeing with her but then doing your own thing, with the addition of not telling them until the baby's here in case they'll turn up to wait anyway.

It sounds like she's just fixated on something she can control to distract from what she's actually worried about (you having a baby) over which she has no control. IMO it's a white lie to make her feel better, I'm sure she'll be fine once the baby's here, unless she's normally a nightmare grudge-holding type person, you'll probably all be able to laugh about it afterwards once she's relaxed knowing that you're ok.

Why do they need to even know when you go into labour? Get youself there and then inform them of the babie’s arrival . We did this by ringing their number and putting the phone next to their screaming GS :) No need for words.

*baby’s

YANBU - My mother said she was coming around the minute I went into labour. We didn’t want that so we just waited until the baby was born to tell her. Problem solved! Also lots of women have to get a taxi the 2nd time as their partners have to sort out the first child.

Agree with all the previous advice, don’t tell her a thing until it’s all over. You will have to stand up to her at some point, it sounds like she might try and continue this behaviour when your baby is born.
I’m always amazed at how pushy and insensitive some Mothers can be. Only thing I would say, is that until you have experienced the utter joy/nightmare of your daughter giving birth, you have no idea of the worry. It’s a million million times worse than giving birth yourself.
Your hubby is lovely.

I don’t see the issue with your mum offering a lift. My mum often words things like this but I know she’s just trying to help. I’d see how I was feeling when I went into labour then decide whether to get a lift or a taxi. I doubt they’ll be hanging around whilst you labour to go home, it’ll likely be over 24 hours with your first.

But why not placate your mum who is worries about her child and agree then do your own thing. Oh and don’t announce your labour just the birth.

YANBU. I'd just nod and go along with what your mum says, for an easy life and then stick to your original plan. When the baby is here, it will all be forgotten.

The absolute last thing a women needs when in labour is to feel as though she has to cater to her parents wants.

I think she is being unreasonable

Stick with original plan and don't feel guilty for refusing offers of help from her at any pointv

Also don't announce the labour only the birth

And if she does moan about not being asked,you could always say things mover very quickly and you had to go to hospital.

Carry on with your plan but don't tell her when you go into labour. Announce baby's birth as many days after that you can sneak.

Or, tell her that is what you will do if she mentions it again.

YANBU! I wouldn't have wanted my parents anywhere near me in labour. Your partner sounds amazing. My honest advice is don't even tell them anything til baby is here, then apologise as it was so crazy a situation, then ask if they would be willing to kindly drive you home from the hospital. That will make them feel special hopefully

Also, don't worry about growing a spine. I'm a total people pleaser and bend over backwards to keep people happy and my dad called me "Rottweiler in a dress" for a full year after I had DD

Yes ignore mum .
My mum wanted to be informed immediately when I went into labour with ds even if it was the middle of the night . Dh rang round after ds was born at sensible hour of 9am to announce the news as ds was born at 3am .

I would understand if they were by the corner but 1hour drive or more, no way Jose.
By that waiting time for them you will be already under medical help.
Your DH is a clever man.

I had to have a taxi for similar reasons for my first baby and it was so convenient that I did for my second too.They arrived within 5 mins,pulled up right outside the entrance so we didn’t have to try and park which is a pain, or me be left alone while my husband for a space.

I can understand it’s not the norm for your mum and my family were the same but if I had another we would taxi again

Just do what you want to do and dont let them know until the baby is born.

I think it's good advice to do your own thing and get the taxi. I wouldn't be telling her that DH didn't call your slightly overbearing mother because you said so though.

I think it will be time to draw clear boundaries once baby is here, and tell her that you felt she was being too pushy and you wanted to do things your way, your life, your labour.

And that she should be aware that this is how you will handle things going forward so she needs to listen to you when you say no, no matter how well-meaning she thinks she is. You are an adult.

You may of course change your mind when you go into labour and decide you want the lift after all, and that's ok, it just needs to be your decision, not your mother's. Best of luck with everything.

Hi Parrot’s mum 👋🏽

Taxi is fine love, far more sensible and reliable than you coming from an hour away.

She will be just grand.

A taxi driver is much the best person to rely on! Think about it: s/he has driven umpteen labouring women to hospital before, possibly even delivered a baby; they know their way to the drop-off point; they won't be stressing about parking; they are not emotionally invested in you or the bump so won't be winding you up or squealing with excitement; they leave you and DH the whole back seat to yourselves and they go away when you pay them. What's not to like?

Agree that you should surprise your DM with news of the birth and the quickest labour of all time so you couldn't call, sorry.

Good luck! Just hope she's not visiting you when it all kicks off though.

Fuck I'd be that mum too. And my daughter is just as bad, she'd wonder why I didn't learn to teleport us. 😂

Took me until mid40s to realise you do not need to tell your mum everything. Especially if she overreacts or makes it about her (my mum).

We tell her carefully selected unimportant details now because it is just not worth the nagging/told you so/I’m right.

Id say: Listen mum, cause I'm only going to say this once: we are taking a taxi. If you bring it up again, then not only am I not going to tell you when I go into labour, but I'm going to wait a week after delivery to tell you the baby has been born.

just kidding, mostly.

I do think it's good to start asserting yourself and I had to have a few my-baby-my-rules conversations with my DM and we are better for it. Your reasoning is absolutely sound on this one, so a lot better to assert yourself over this than over something where it's just a random preference or instinct once baby is born. (ie I told DM to only feed baby this brand of baby food, or to only hold baby this way, or not to rock baby to sleeep, etc) as then she can argue back.

Nothing wrong with the taxi, got me there and back very easily