To ignore my mum's very kind offer?

[AnExParrot]

I debated whether I should post this but I just want a little back-up outside of my DH (although I recognise I may not get it).

I am 36 weeks pregnant and all is going well. The only issue that's arisen time and time again is the question of how I'm going to get to the hospital when I go into labour.

I can drive. My DH is visually impaired so is not legally allowed to learn to drive. So far, no problem, really; when The Time Comes we'll get a taxi to the hospital.

This is huge problem for my mum. I'm not going to exaggerate for effect but we've probably had the following cyclic conversation, by rote, twice a month since I announced my pregnancy 7 months ago.

Mum: How're you getting to the hospital???
Me: we'll be getting a taxi
Mum: you can't get a taxi!
Me: yes, we can. Plenty of people do
Mum: but what if they won't take you?!
Me: then we'll phone another company
Mum: but what if THEY won't take you?!
Me: then we'll phone an ambulance
Mum: ambulances don't pick up women in labour!
Me: they will if I'm crowning

I spoke to my midwife who said they'd had many women turning up by taxi for various reasons and they'd never heard of any issues. I've phoned 3 local companies and all said they'd be happy to take me: one even took my name and said they'd bump me to the front of the queue if I called (very kind of them).

My mum is still not happy and will not stop.

I understand her anxiety: I'm her oldest daughter and will be having the first grandchild. I sympathise with the worry, I really do, but neither my DH or I are concerned about transport (we know we'll get the hospital one way or another). In fact, it's the only thing I'm NOT worried about. About a month ago, I asked her to stop talking about it: she's aired her worries multiple times and I've listened. I've explained that I want to get a taxi; I trust the companies I've called; knowing the taxi companies are 2mins down the road makes me feel in control; and the only person I want with me when I'm in labour is my DH.

Last week, her and my dad came round for dinner and she said this (paraphrased), in a tone that brooked no argument:

"When you go into labour, I want you to call me. When you start contracting you WILL call me and me and your dad WILL come and take you to the hospital. Then we will take you home again. Call me."

Now, this is very kind but did annoy me a little. I'm a 30 year old woman with a husband, not a 16 year old going to her first house party. My parents are an hour away on a good day (when there's traffic, the journey can take up to 2.5 hours). Also, I love my parents dearly but I don't want them hanging around the hospital's waiting room for hours - I only want my DH with me.

I should probably have stood my ground but I'm exhausted with this conversation so I just said "sure". When my DH got home that evening, I told him about it. He pulled a face and said:

"Well, we're not doing that. You want to take a taxi. I'll just say you were in too much pain and I panicked, forgot about Their Plan and just called a cab. I'll tell them you're in labour when we're safe at the hospital - that way your mum won't have any scope to panic because we'll already be there. I'll take the blame."

I said I felt bad because what if that hurt her feelings. He said "To be honest, love, I don't care about her feelings. When you go into labour, I'll only care about you and what makes you feel most comfortable."

Him offering to do that made me feel a lot better and more in control but I do feel a little guilty. It's very kind of them to offer to come so far out of their way for me and I feel like maybe I'm being self-centred and ungrateful. They're good people and I understand my mum's worry. I just want to do it my way. AIBU?

I’m a grandma to 5 and never knew when their mums were in labour - just when they were born. Saved me a lot of stress. 😁

Taxi is fine, however, I would keep your mum in reserve.

When I was doing the post-natal NHS groups in London, we had a couple of mums who had issues with the taxi (one was heavily leaking fluids and the other bleeding) and they just wouldn't take her. Ambulances can take ages too.

She may really enjoy being your emergency standby!

I called a taxi for my friend and as soon as I told them she was in labour they refused to take her. I had to call an ambulance, which came, but they made us feel a bit of a nuisance as ambulances are for emergencies, not a taxi ride to hospital.

Nothing wrong with your plan at all. Did exactly the same when my dd made an appearance. Very calmly got a cab to the hospital, was easy and as relaxed as it could be. Didn't tell anyone but the hospital.
My DM was also adamant that she was going to be there, i was adamant that she wasn't. DH called her when it looked like we were close to the end (knowing DM was an hour away and would arrive after) but typically enough DD decided to put the breaks on. Worked out in the end as DM was there when DH needed a break (after many hours!) And made herself scarce, well sat outside, when the time eventually came.
Essentially, we had a plan, and it all went to plan, until it didn't, but even then it was all ok. Good luck OP!

Your husband sounds lovely. Stick to your plan.

When my sister aged 40 was expecting her first our DM worked herself so much in a state she had an upset stomach for the last few months of my sister's pregnancy. So much so her GP was concerned enough to send her for a colonoscopy! Unsurprisingly it was fine.

My sister had to be induced so was safely in the hospital so no mad dashes either.

YANBU. Stick to your own plan.

Being driven to the hospital by a driver who is paid to drive, and will come and collect you from your door sounds a lot safer than waiting for a parent to arrive from one or two hours journey away! What if baby comes in the middle of the night or after a drink or two (your parents, not baby or you!), would your parents admit they were not up to it?

Whether you lie and say dh panicked or just say, that was our plan, and we stuck to it, your choice.

Personally, because they do not listen to your wishes, I would not say until baby was safely out!

My experience would be don't tell anyone you've gone into labour. Save anyone turning up at the hospital. Just tell them when baby has arrived - enjoy the only time you get just you and DH and baby before the whole world thinks they can come and interfere with your life because you have a baby!

I would definitely follow up the taxi companies and have a list of those who are ready to pick you up and sound most friendly.

Never crossed my mind to tell anyone I was in labour the first time

Second time we needed childcare so the childminder and sister knew.

Other sister guessed and rang the ward 1/2 hour after delivery.

Jus tell them when the baby is born.

What is up with your mum?, is she loosing it somewhere seems bizzare!

I wouldnt get stressed about it and just smile sweetly and nod when your DM goes on about it. I got a taxi with my first and probably did leave it a little too late as my waters had broken but my little one arrived 2 hrs later. Taxi is fine! We didnt tell anyone we were in labour and simply made the phone calls once he was born.

We got a taxi to the hospital when in labour. We’d spoken to the firm ahead of time and then called them when we first spoke to the midwife when my contractions started, explained that we didn’t know when but at some point in the next day or so I’d get to the point that id need to go in. The call handler made a note and said that when the time came we’d jump to the top of the queue. Which was really handy as by the time I was at the point where I needed to go in it was pub closing time at the weekend. The car was with us within minutes of us calling despite being mega busy.
They’ve now got our business for as long as we live around here, such great thoughtful service.

Ahem. I made DH learn to drive as part of the bargaining about having DC. He passed his test wehn I was about 5mths and didn't like driving. He got a bit flappy when my labour started so I called a cab.

All good only issue with mother was that as she is a control freak and dh and I were both two weeks late we told her the due date was 7th Feb NOT 24th Jan. She got a bit hysterical when ds was born on Xmas day! Fortunately DH got home before she phoned to wish us happy Christmas and had to explain why this v v prem baby was 7.5lb. Although to be fair if he'd gone another 3.5 weeks it might have been more unpleasant than 5.5 hours and no stitches.

She came round.

Do what you want to do when the time comes. You don't have to tell the taxi firm you're in labour, if it becomes obvious while you're in the car that's tough, you'll probably be near the hospital by then.

Nice of your mum and dad to offer though. They mean well but parents never stop going on about things which is wearing.

We went to hospital all three times. DH phoned grandparents when he got back home, had a cup of tea and a bite to eat.

Keep nodding and crack on with your own plan.

DH is right.

@AnExParrotlook OP - i agree - you are an adult and should be able to do whatever you want. Can i just say though, my friend was like you - adamant she could just call a taxi, and there would be loads, she had two companies, and like you, she called and they said sure no problem. Small firms, near where she lived. The time came, both taxi companies didn't have drivers nearby, she had to get a neighbour to drive her - she gave birth in the car on the way to the hospital. Just make sure you have a backup plan.

Tell them (afterwards) that you thought things were happening so quickly they wouldn't have got to you in time. Even if your labour lasts for days (hopefully not!) - just say with it being your first you panicked

Just tell her you have decided she's right, transport is an issue so you're having a home birth!
P.s. not having to sit in a car in labour is amazing btw.

If you don’t make some things clear to her right now, you are setting yourself up for 18 years of being told what you “WILL” do with your children.
Your plan is fine.

If they lived just around the corner it would be helpful and kind of them to take you, as it stands they will delay you getting there. I'd go with your DHs suggestion. I think your mum just wants to help and is panicking a bit. When I went into labour I was messaging my DM and so was DH. Then things ramped up quickly DS got stuck, we ended up rushed into theatre. Phones were forgotten. DM told me later that she was so scared something had happened to me, and that is different when it's your own child going through it (DB has children) just think once you were your mum's baby, she's being illogical but she means well.

It's tell that she wants to take you home. Did she mean yours and DH's home or your parents home.

Perhaps she is struggling with letting her little girl(in her eyes) go and the baby will bring that home to her. YourDH did the right thing.
Good luck and from a woman who had to go to hospital in labour in an ambulance, tell the paramedics to watch the door sills and the rumble strips on the way in. They are no fun

You do what YOU want to do, your plan sounds fine, the only thing I’d do differently is telling them you are in labour. I’d have the baby and then call them.