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AIBU?

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Original poster

To ask why parents let their kids do this?!

406 replies

MustardScreams · 05/09/2019 14:27

Took dd out for lunch today to a lovely little cafe, geared up for kiddies (playroom, good kids food) as a treat as I haven’t been well, and work full time so we never have a week-day off together.

There was a little girl (the only other child there at that point) around 4/5 with no parents in sight and she saw me playing with dd and latched on. Usually I wouldn’t mind, but I really just wanted to spend time with my child. We couldn’t shake her off, and I couldn’t find her parent/guardian anywhere. Surely if you’re taking your kid out for lunch or whatever a) you keep an eye on them and b) you don’t let them harass other families?!

OP posts:
TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 07/09/2019 12:22

What should she have said? "Get off of my lap"? " Leave me alone"? What?

No, but as the adult she should have removed herself from the situation. Not removed the child who is more entitled to be in the children's play area than she is!

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 07/09/2019 12:23

And yes, what is wrong with telling a child they can't sit on your lap?!

EdnaAdaSmith · 07/09/2019 12:24

The OP very much did try to send the child out of the play area - she told the child it was "time to go" back to her parents. Which of course the child knew was nonsense, it didn't compute so she ignored it.

Letting an unknown child climb on you is bloody weird - yes it was socially inappropriate and not developmentally normal for the child to do that, but the adults' response was so wet, passive and weird that of course the adult, OP, is partly at fault.

We interact with other people every time we go into a public place. The "why should I have to" respond normally (by telling a small child "no") attitude is sociopathic. The OP is as socially clueless as the child she's complaining about.

Wtf go to a cafe with a play area in order to show your toddler photos on your phone (?) and be offended that another child uses the children's area?

My children always avoided other adults and were only interested in playing with children, but some children talk to anyone - put yourself in the children's play area (fully communal, public space aimed at children) instead of at a table (semi private space) and I guess you look like someone who likes children.

Eeyoreshouse · 07/09/2019 12:26

Maybe 20-30 mins on a quiet day in a coffee shop with a playroom is exactly what the parent(s) needed

I'm sure most parents could do with that! It's rather rude to assume that another parent is happy to provide that break for you, while they are busy with their own DC!

The child didn't know your circumstances
No, that is why you teach your child good manners, like not inveigling themselves on others, not sitting in a stranger's lap (which is a safety concern anyway) and not generally mithering people.

There are times when I am more than happy to interact with other people's DC (at our local park for instance and this summer at the seaside, a load of DC (unknown to us) joined in making a giant sandcastle and everyone enjoyed it, but there are times when I am not! It is not up to another parent to make that choice for me thanks very much! Again, it's basic manners.

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 07/09/2019 12:30

and not developmentally normal for the child

I wouldn't go that far. As an adult we might see the dangers of a small child climbing into a stranger's lap, but a small child is innocent and doing it innocently. They don't know (one would hope) the potential dangers.

I have had children try to climb on my lap, I have had children talk me by the hand to show me something. They are children, being innocent.... But even THAT'S frowned upon now ffs.

Eeyoreshouse · 07/09/2019 12:34

Wtf go to a cafe with a play area in order to show your toddler photos on your phone (?) and be offended that another child uses the children's area?

The op should not be blamed for other people's lax parenting. And she wasn't offended the child was using the play area. That's the whole point! The child wasn't doing that, she wasn't happily playing alone, or happily playing with another child, she latched on to op and wouldnt leave her alone, to the extent that it ruined the time the op had with her own little girl.

Lovebeingmama · 07/09/2019 12:36

To be honest I let my 5 year old loose in soft play. Always within eyesight though. We have plenty of one to one time elsewhere . He just wants to play with other kids, I like that he confident and independent to do that while I check he is safe.
Yes, sometimes he walks over to other children to interact and the parent is there.
Maybe you picked the wrong spot if you wanted alone time with your little one.

JustMe70 · 07/09/2019 12:37

Crikey, I am with the OP on this and have been in this situation several times! Sadly some parents don’t know how to play/interact with their children and so it’s not usual for their child to head towards another family who are interacting and having fun. But, like the OP says, spending 1:1 time with your own child is precious when you’re working full-time etc. On so many occasions I have seen parents sitting as far away as possible from the children’s play area whilst they indulge in lunch and screen time on their mobiles. It’s as though they have done their bit in bringing their child to the venue and their parenting duties have therefore stopped. A 4/5 year old still needs supervision, even if it’s from a short distance away, children also need to be taught boundaries and to start to understand the concept of personal space etc. Being a parent is a 24/7 role and your child isn’t someone else’s concern unless this has been mutually agreed!!

DecomposingComposers · 07/09/2019 12:46

EdnaAdaSmith

So now it's the ops fault? Not teh fault of the parent at all?

And what the op should have done is remove herself, and therefore her dd who isn't old enough to be left unattended from a playroom? So this child had more right to be there than the ops dd then?

There is no way that this is the ops fault rather than the girl's parents fault.

The answer here is not for decent people to have vacate spaces to let others take them.over. that's happening on the streets - yobs have taken over because decent people are afraid to challenge antisocial behaviour. Decent people have removed themselves from the situation giving the yobs free reign. That's what's happening here. The parents don't care to supervise their child so the only way to avoid it is for decent people and their children, who know how to behave, to leave.

Original poster
MustardScreams · 07/09/2019 12:54

@EdnaAdaSmith the girl wasn’t in the play area. Which is the entire point of this thread. Dd was in the play area, I was sitting on a sofa next to it, chatting to dd and showing her a picture her auntie sent me. The little girl was on the sofa with me, not interested in dd at all. She wanted to sit on my lap. Hence why I said it was time for her to go back to her parents. If she’d have been playing with dd in the play area then there would have been no need for this thread.

OP posts:
AbbyHammond · 07/09/2019 12:55

"Get off my lap" is fine, "go back to your parents (in a different room)" not fine.

OP could have told the child she didn't want to play with her, and asked her to leave her alone. Yes, it might sound a bit brattish but the OP didn't want to play.

EdnaAdaSmith · 07/09/2019 12:56

DecomposingComposers the OP's reaction was weird and inappropriate and suggests complete lack of understanding of children. She should have said what she meant clearly. She should have said no, get down, not "it's time to find mummy". Yes, she behaved very strangely, and questioning why she should have to behave like a member of a community when choosing to sit in a communal, child centered space is asocial.

The child's parent should have been line of sight supervising. A 5 year old does not need to be played with by an adult constantly, and doing so creates dependant, hopeless children I'll equipped for life.

There was fault on the side of the child's parent or guardian but the op was behaving very strangely in multiple ways.

AbbyHammond · 07/09/2019 12:56

I'd have just said "you can't sit on my lap, go and play". No need for all the drama.

EdnaAdaSmith · 07/09/2019 12:57

MustardScreams why on earth didn't you tell her to get off your lap and not to climb on you?

DecomposingComposers · 07/09/2019 12:58

Get off my lap" is fine,

I have a special chair at work (a reasonable adjustment for a disability). The other day I caught a child of about 5 or 6 sitting on it, swinging around. Very nicely I asked her to get off of it, at which point she burst into tears and her mum started having a go at me for making her cry. So, I doubt "get off of my lap" would be received any better than "can you get off of the chair please sweetie" was.

AbbyHammond · 07/09/2019 13:01

The parent wasn't there to get offended Decomposing

DecomposingComposers · 07/09/2019 13:01

the OP's reaction was weird and inappropriate and suggests complete lack of understanding of children. She should have said what she meant clearly. She should have said no, get down, not "it's time to find mummy".

Give over. There's no "should" about anything the op did. The girl was not the ops responsibility.

JassyRadlett · 07/09/2019 13:03

There was fault on the side of the child's parent or guardian but the op was behaving very strangely in multiple ways.

She really, really wasn’t. She was gently and kindly trying to get a child older than her own off her. She was in the space with her much younger child to chat and interact with her. This doesn’t mean that she is open to have another child glue themselves to her and climb all over her. She did the community-minded thing - she gently tried to redirect the child without outright rejection. Probably too gentle, but kind.

Do you think a child in a play area should be forced to play with another child in a cafe play area if they’d prefer to play alone, otherwise they are ‘asocial’?

A 5 year old does not need to be played with by an adult constantly, and doing so creates dependant, hopeless children I'll equipped for life.

Hang on. So OP was expected to indulge the child because they were in a communal child-centred space otherwise she is asocial, but simultaneously by doing so she is creating a helpless, dependent child.

You’re pretty mixed up.

DecomposingComposers · 07/09/2019 13:03

The parent wasn't there to get offended

You could bet your life that had the op upset the child in some way that the parent would have magically appeared. They always do when they think their darling hasn't been indulged by an unsuspecting member of the public. Funnily enough they always seem to be missing when their child is hitting another child, stealing toys, pulling hair or just generally being a nuisance though. It's like a cf super power.

EdnaAdaSmith · 07/09/2019 13:11

DecomposingComposers no, the child was not her responsibility. Are you one of those utter pedants who never does anything that isn't your responsibility? Do you never pick up a bit of litter which blows past you, not knowing who dropped it? Do you walk past parents struggling alone o get down steps with a baby and a pushchair or carers struggling to get a person in a wheelchair onto a train when there are no staff about?

Not your responsibility, right?

That's the divide on this thread I think.

I think we all have shared responsibility in a community, to a limited extwnt - to help where it costs us little, and communicate our boundaries clearly where we can't or don't want to.

The why should I crowd are as bad as the lax parents, IMO. We all have some degree of moral responsibility in a community, at the very least to communicate clearly to the best of our abilities and not be jobsworths about life.

EdnaAdaSmith · 07/09/2019 13:13

JassyRadlett no.

To play with 5 year old's constantly does them no favours. The child's parents were wrong not to line of sight supervise. They were not wrong not to be in the play corner earnestly performance parenting.

DontMakeMeShushYou · 07/09/2019 13:16

What should she have said? "Get off of my lap"? " Leave me alone"? What?

Yes! Exactly that. It's clear and tells the child what they are expected to do. Although I would add a please on the end.

It's not vague, it's not incorrect, it's not meaningless, and it's not mean. It's a lot better than the pathetic wall-flower "Time to go back your mummy now."

Original poster
MustardScreams · 07/09/2019 13:22

@EdnaAdaSmith I think it’s more important for children to learn appropriate social interactions than how to play on their own with no supervision tbh. And if sitting with my dd chatting is ‘performance parenting’ then so be it. Although in my mind that is just being a mum. Obviously we have very different views on that.

OP posts:
Contraceptionismyfriend · 07/09/2019 13:23

I've made a child cry by telling them to go away from me.
Honestly people should give a lot less shits. If the parents kick off then tell them that their little spermcicle os not your burden.

DecomposingComposers · 07/09/2019 13:24

I think we all have shared responsibility in a community, to a limited extwnt - to help where it costs us little, and communicate our boundaries clearly where we can't or don't want to.

Great. So what are all the "my child is a social butterfly" "I encourage independent play" " if you're in a public space expect to parent my child" doing for the collective good then?