To ask why parents let their kids do this?!

[MustardScreams]

Took dd out for lunch today to a lovely little cafe, geared up for kiddies (playroom, good kids food) as a treat as I haven’t been well, and work full time so we never have a week-day off together.

There was a little girl (the only other child there at that point) around 4/5 with no parents in sight and she saw me playing with dd and latched on. Usually I wouldn’t mind, but I really just wanted to spend time with my child. We couldn’t shake her off, and I couldn’t find her parent/guardian anywhere. Surely if you’re taking your kid out for lunch or whatever a) you keep an eye on them and b) you don’t let them harass other families?!

Oh hang on, you went to your table then..? So she was actually just playing in the intended play area? I wouldn't supervise my 5 year old playing in soft play if I were eating my lunch in the cafe. She wouldn't have wanted me to at that age.

I really don't get those who are having a go at the OP. Why the hell should she be responsible for someone elses child?! And this nonsense of knocking a childs confidence etc what the hell has that got to do with the OP. It is NOT their child. Also the child in this situation wasn't even playing with OPs child just wanted adult attention. This alone tells me that maybe the attention isn't being given by the parent/carer IMO

@Someonetookmyusername, you're only getting irrationally angry because you realise that a tonne of parents hate the way you parent your child when out and about, and you've been called out on it (probably for the first time because people are usually too polite to do it in person). There's little point trying to back track. Just accept that you've perhaps been in the wrong and make adjustments when out in the future. We've all been wrong at some point in our parenting lives, it's fine.

Going on about how other parents are 'pricks' and 'performance parents' because they don't want to babysit your child is silly, though. Do you genuinely think parents enjoy having to awkwardly talk to your child that won't get the hint to go away? There's a huge difference between two kids playing together themselves with parents minding from afar / you and your kid, another mum and their kid playing together and a mum and their kid having some 1 on 1 time and your kid coming over and not going away. The former is fun for the kids and doesn't annoy a parent, the latter is irritating.

By your reasoning any parent who goes out with their child, goes to a cafe by themselves, sits down with their child and plays solely with their own child and doesn't want to be disturbed by a strangers child who hangs around for a long period of time is a performance parent and a prick? Seriously?

Honestly, I wouldn't entertain it. Mostly because I guarantee if something happened (I don't know, say a coffee fell off the table and landed on your child's arm) you'd come running over to me and start giving off, and that responsibility isn't something I'm prepared to shoulder.

This happened to me at a local beach when dd was a toddler. A random child of about 8 or 9 latched on to us, continually talking and demanding I play with her, when all I wanted was to enjoy the beach with my baby! Fuck knows why her parents didn't step in. I had to politely ask her to go straight back to her Mum/ Dad. I'd had enough. Not a big fan of other peoples kids though..

@Ivestoppedreadingthenews yes, the children in the North are much more capable, because of their mining experience

This is such an interesting thread!
I'm with you OP, having seen what happens when this goes wrong.
I was at a zoo-type thing (Bear Wood) with my two little ones and a friend. There was an activity module with lots of kids playing round it, parents nearby keeping an eye but no adults involved. A little girl fell over and started screaming. We all waited for the responsible adult to pick her up. No one did. My friend went over to comfort her while we waited. No one turned up. My friend ended up picking her up, walking back down the gangplank for about 20m, child screaming all the while, and finding a member of staff. Eventually the grandparents clicked that the screaming kid was theirs and came to get her. They weren't even apologetic! If I'd been on my own I have no idea what I'd do as I have my own kids/buggy etc to supervise. It was quite upsetting really. Independent play is all very well but you've got to at least have your bloody eye on your kid and if you haven't go and find them!

This is my daughter at soft play 😂 she always "adopts" another family. I'm always near by but not on top of her because it's not great to be a helicopter parent at a place where it's designed for kids to play. It's actually good for them to explore and helps them be independent and sociable. Maybe the mum was nearby but didn't see the harm. I certainly wouldn't alert a member of staff, a 4/5 year old would let you know if they were distressed and lost their parent.

vanillaicedtea as I said from my very first post. No back tracking I am there I am making sure he's gentle etc. I can't always play in the play area as I'm usually breastfeeding etc. I have not backtracked.

Yes it's sad that that child's parents were not looking out for him. But;

I think it is unreasonable to go to a cafe with a play area and to expect children to keep away from you and your child. Most children gravitate towards each other, and want to play with the toys that other kids are playing with. They cannot put themselves in someone else's shoes until they're 4/5, I can tell my son till I'm blue in the face to not play with people who don't want to play with him. He doesn't understand the concept.

Perhaps IABU but it just pisses me off when other parents slack off and don’t interact with their own kids and expect others to do it for them.

It can be irritating but what really gets to me is when the fkg child minders at toddler groups do it.

There's one whose charge constantly tried to get mother's to interact with her while the cm sits chatting with her mate and if she realises she comes and pulls her away roughly, tells her off and then goes back to ignoring her.

I don't know who the little girkd' parents are but I wish I did; honestly I'd consider telling them.

Her cm friend is almost as bad.

*tries

None of those scenarios are like your situation in the op MustardScreams I don't go out in public and expect children or even other members of the public to keep away from me. They have as much right to be there as I do.

@myweechickens

Why is it all about your dd though? Great if she likes independent play but adopting another family isn't independent play. That's expecting another parent to do your job

Anyway, we all now know what to say to children like your dd thanks to pp on this thread!

James Bulger

@DecomposingComposers

Actually it's not I'm just giving a personal point of view on helicopter parents. My daughter is a social butterfly thank god, that's because she's been allowed to be independent and can play confidently with other children ALONE. I see so many crying children in these places who can't leave their parent for 2 seconds because they are alone and don't have mummy to play with. It's not healthy and there are plenty of professionals who promote independent play in young children.

@DecomposingComposers

Just another point to make, while my child has adopted a family she has also made a friend, said parent has also found someone to have a cup of tea with (me) when I approach. Mums need company too, it's okay to observe from a safe distance without jumping in immediately.

myweechickens

But it's not really any of your business how other parents choose to parent their children because it doesn't affect you does it? Your dd being a social butterfly and adopting other families does affect other people. So you are saying that your dd having the freedom to impose on other families is more important. Does your dd know to ask first before just joining in?

said parent has also found someone to have a cup of tea with (me) when I approach.

Omg it gets worse. I would rather gouge my eyes out with a blunt spoon than be pounced on by a random stranger looking to make friends.

@Someonetookmyusername

You can, though. "x, come here a minute" and then say "that mummy is busy with their baby at the minute, why don't you come and sit with me and colour this in until baby is fed and then we'll go and play". You could always bring a sticker book/colouring in book or something for when you're feeding to keep your child occupied if there's no children available for them to play with 1 on 1. Rather than imposing on a parent and child who aren't looking for another child to join in.

Or you could at least go over and make conversation with the mum so the mum doesn't feel like she's unwittingly became a babysitter.

The issue a lot of people have is a lone child going around and bothering other families when their parents are letting them roam free, with no consideration for anyone else's feelings or situation. This is a genuine issue when there's a significant age gap between children, if the other person's child perhaps has learning difficulties and really needs full on, 1 on 1 attention, or if that parent has minimum time with their kid already and really needs that 1 on 1 bonding time. Just because your child wants to attach themselves to other people doesn't mean it's "right". The situation needs to work for everyone involved. Not just 1 child and their parent.

@Someonetookmyusername I don’t want anyone to keep away from me, I just don’t want to parent someone else’s child. I had one for a reason! And that reason wasn’t so I could look after stranger’s offspring whilst they didn’t.

I also like how the parents on this thread that obviously do allow their children to wander off and join other families are the only ones being derogatory, or trying to make it seem like I am doing my dd an irreparable disservice because I don’t want a stranger’s child with us.

It’s not helicopter parenting, or going to give a kid a complex, make them insecure, give them an inability to play independently, they won’t need a child psychologist for years to come because we don’t want your child being ‘friendly’ (read: being a bloody pain in the arse).

Again all this crap about helicopter parenting and independent play is bullshit. The OP has not been able to be with her DC due to ill health for some time and wanted to spend some one to one time. The OPs child is 2 and a half not 4/5. The other child DIDN'T want to play with the OPs child they wanted the attention of the OP herself, an adults attention and this went on for 15/20 minutes. Any sane parent would be watching and intervene after a few minutes. It's called teaching your child acceptable social interaction

vanillaicedtea I think you've misunderstood I have never let my child play with anyone who is busy with a baby. Nor would he want to, he gets enough of that at home. Sorry if I worded my post badly.

@MustardScreams

I don't think we're going to reason with anybody unfortunately in this thread! Us performance helicopter parents must know our place . Perhaps we should start bringing out lunchboxes full of snacks so we can feed the children we unwillingly adopt as well as providing the attention they crave.

Seriously though, I always assumed it was the odd one-off parent that did this. Didn't think I'd find loads on a site like Mumsnet which seems to be pro attachment parenting every hour of every day until you leave the house and then it's suddenly the worst thing in the world to actually want to spend quality time with your child. Madness.

@vanillaicedtea I’ve never been called a helicopter parent before, I’m quite proud.

It’s why I posted the thread in the first place. I haven’t encountered that level of non-parenting before and it amazed me (and was v annoying). Turns out it seems we’re in the minority!

vanillaicedtea

I think the problem is that CFs can't ever admit to their behaviour because then they would have to admit to being CFs. I dont believe that any parent thinks it's ok to sit quietly enjoying a coffee whilst another parent entertains their child - who honestly thinks this is ok? Do they think that the other parent likes nothing more than being an unpaid child minder?