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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask why parents let their kids do this?!

406 replies

MustardScreams · 05/09/2019 14:27

Took dd out for lunch today to a lovely little cafe, geared up for kiddies (playroom, good kids food) as a treat as I haven’t been well, and work full time so we never have a week-day off together.

There was a little girl (the only other child there at that point) around 4/5 with no parents in sight and she saw me playing with dd and latched on. Usually I wouldn’t mind, but I really just wanted to spend time with my child. We couldn’t shake her off, and I couldn’t find her parent/guardian anywhere. Surely if you’re taking your kid out for lunch or whatever a) you keep an eye on them and b) you don’t let them harass other families?!

OP posts:
Makesmilingyourbesthobby · 06/09/2019 23:35

Can't believe the amount of pp's that totally don't care about their children's manners and respect or how they behave or thought for others just because it's a 'soft play area' or even better a 'public place' as some have said for me that's the most important place that I want them to apply these things beside school/playgroup, my dd2 has just turned 5 and has a pretty good understanding of all these things even if she dosent always apply them but then I'm there or other adult in charge of supervising her is there watching her to make sure she is corrected or have a chat about it

Anotherplanetandwhiskey · 07/09/2019 00:20

This 4/5 year old seems to have poor boundaries, most do! The op seems to have had even poorer boundaries; as an adult I don't think it is appropriate to let a strange child climb over you and sit on your lap (even aside from recent surgery). Didn't you "No" and remove child?

DecomposingComposers · 07/09/2019 00:39

I think many people are reluctant to confront bad behaviour from strangers now because you aren't sure of what the reaction might be. Yes, it might be perfectly reasonable to say "no" or " we want to play on our own" to a child who is bothering us but that doesn't mean that there parent won't start ranting and raving because their PFB has been turned away. So, no, people won't always make it clear that your child is bothering them. I don't think the onus is on me to point out that your child is being a nuisance. That's on the parent to stop their child from bothering strangers.

PinkFlowerFairy · 07/09/2019 05:18

AnxietyDream I would teachbyour child not to pester other grown ups in the playarea! Gosh Id be irritated if a child came over and wanted me to play/wouldnt stop talking and all the mum did was smile!! I too would be wanting to read my book....

HenriettaH · 07/09/2019 05:29

I'm guessing the parent was watching her all the time. Sometimes children wander off to other children. If your child was enjoying the other child being there, what was the problem? If you truly wondered where her parent was, why not ask her? All in all, I don't understand the need to be alerting everyone when the solution is right under ones nose.

SteeperThanHell · 07/09/2019 06:50

Surely a 4-5 year old would have been in school yesterday lunchtime?

You would have been perfectly reasonable to say “please don’t climb on me” or “DD wants to play with me on her own”, but asking a child to go back to their parents is completely unreasonable in a communal area - it looks like a very small space, where interaction with others in inevitable and wasn’t for your exclusive use.

If she was really bothering you - you could have asked “who are you here with?” Instead you made an assumption she was alone and did nothing about it.

cardamoncoffee · 07/09/2019 06:58

When mine were young (about 10 years ago) I got into a "gentle parenting" group whilst on ML and they had very strange ideas about how other adults/children should perceive their children. Eg a lone customer in Costa having a coffee should be overjoyed to be graced with the presence of a strange 4 year old child asking a million questions and demanding food from your plate, whilst the mummy looks on smugly at how 'socialized' her child is. I worked in child protection at the time and the things that they were boasting about are red flags in the eyes of SS!

DanceItOut · 07/09/2019 07:36

I have this happen quite a bit too. I don't mind a quick chat because they're children and usually lovely though I do wonder why the parents are fine with them just wandering around. But after a little while I send them on their way. Twice we've had a persistent one in cosfa and I've told a member of staff sorry but this isn't my child and I don't know where their parent is and the staff member ushers the child away and finds the parent to return them.

Original poster
MustardScreams · 07/09/2019 07:38

I find it fascinating that it’s my fault that someone is a crap parent! I shouldn’t have had to do anything, because if the girl was being properly supervised it wouldn’t have happened in the first place.

For the millionth time, she wasn’t interacting with dd. I couldn’t lift her off me due to having had surgery on my chest a week and a half prior, I asked her where her parents where. RTFT people!

OP posts:
MrPickles73 · 07/09/2019 08:27

Agree with OP. I don't want a random child hassling me.

MotherTime3 · 07/09/2019 08:36

I don’t really like other kids who won’t leave, but equally if a child approached and ds wanted to play, I would step back and let them. Therefore if ds appears to be playing with someone, I dont go over and drag him away. I try to let the kis guide whether they play or don’t.
I won’t however tolerate a random child at the table, and have returned one before who started tucking in to ds tea. They couldn’t have given a shit where he was, and he was no older than 3. Poor kid.

DecomposingComposers · 07/09/2019 09:52

I shouldn’t have had to do anything, because if the girl was being properly supervised it wouldn’t have happened in the first place.

I think this is the crux of it. The rest of us shouldn't have to be adjusting our behaviour, avoiding certain places etc just because some parents can't supervise their own children.

manicmij · 07/09/2019 10:57

But that is why people go to any eating place with children; to absolve themselves of responsibility enabling them to use their phone for goodness knows how long. One of the worst creations ever allowed. No wonder children can't sit at a table and eat/ chat for more than a couple of minutes. You go there you have to accept the consequences. Hope you are well now.

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 07/09/2019 11:08

Realistically... You were in a kids playroom. Which is designed for kids. A 4/5 year old came in and you wanted HER to leave. You were the one who wasn't supposed to be there. Not her!

I have 4 children. My youngest is 5. I have served my time as that parent who supervised my younger children carefully. I was that parent keeping an eye on mine (and others'!). My youngest is now old enough to be able to play in a cafe playroom while I enjoy a cup of tea and a few minutes peace. She will come back to me if there's an issue.

Those play rooms are designed for children. Not for 1-on-1 mummy/daughter time. Some kids are chatty and sociable and love telling adults all they know!

I understand you wanted a nice bonding day with your daughter. But you picked the wrong place.

angelfacecuti75 · 07/09/2019 11:29

Think it's a bit weird to expect a 4 yo not to use a communal play area, which is for kids and expect to have sole use of it. Ok re parents not supervising /climbing on you is not ok. Parents should be supervising.

pollymere · 07/09/2019 11:44

I always find that the minute you tell the child off for something, their indignant parent will magically appear telling you it's not your place to stop their kid from being run over etc.

DecomposingComposers · 07/09/2019 11:57

I always find that the minute you tell the child off for something, their indignant parent will magically appear telling you it's not your place to stop their kid from being run over etc.

Exactly and is the reason why so many of us put up with these angelic social butterflies!

Think it's a bit weird to expect a 4 yo not to use a communal play area, which is for kids and expect to have sole use of it.

Where has the op said that's what she expected? Why does the other child playing in the play room mean that she has to be talking to or climbing on the op though? Of course she could be in the play room, playing. If her parents deem her to be fine playing on her own then surely that's what she should be doing - playing on her own. If what she needs is to be interacting with an adult then the adult needs to be her parent (or carer) not a random customer.

AbbyHammond · 07/09/2019 12:04

Having seen the photo now, that's exactly the kind of playroom I'd expect 4 year olds to play in unsupervised while parents drink their coffee. You would be unreasonable to try to send a child out of the room because you want it to yourself.

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 07/09/2019 12:08

If the OP wasn't there the child would have most likely entertained herself. When the child saw another child with a parent, she naturally joined in.

Jesus! It's no wonder we have so many "socially awkward" people around these days. If a 4/5 year old is expected to go into a kids play room and not interact with the others there.

The child didn't know your circumstances, OP, similarly you didn't know her parent's circumstances either. Maybe 20-30 mins on a quiet day in a coffee shop with a playroom is exactly what the parent(s) needed. It just so happened you were there with a separate need. I don't see that either side were particularly wrong.

DecomposingComposers · 07/09/2019 12:09

But no one is saying send the child out of the room. Of course she can play in there.

But why does her playing in there involve climbing on or talking to the op? Or her child if her child doesn't want that?

AbbyHammond · 07/09/2019 12:12

Op said she tried to send the child out of the playroom back to her parents but child ignored her.

DecomposingComposers · 07/09/2019 12:13

If the OP wasn't there the child would have most likely entertained herself. When the child saw another child with a parent, she naturally joined in.

But this is the point. When a child is unsupervised and then does something that is unacceptable to another person, be they adult or child, who is there to intervene? Say she had been taking toys off of the ops dd, or getting in her face and the dd (who had every right to be there) was getting upset, who was meant to step in?

Clearly not the parent so who? The op? Who then risks an irate parent wading in because you've dared to tell their darling off? In reality the op would have had to remove her child when her child had just as much right to play there as this girl.

DecomposingComposers · 07/09/2019 12:15

Op said she tried to send the child out of the playroom back to her parents but child ignored her.

But more in a "where's your mummy" kind of way, suggesting that if the girl needs an adults lap to sit in it really should be her parent's lap and not a stranger's. She wasn't saying it in a "get out of this room only we are allowed in it" way.

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 07/09/2019 12:15

But no one is saying send the child out of the room

The OP said she told the child a number of times it was time to go back to her mummy...

DecomposingComposers · 07/09/2019 12:19

The OP said she told the child a number of times it was time to go back to her mummy...

Yes, for the reason I said above.

What should she have said? "Get off of my lap"? " Leave me alone"? What?