To ask when you think it’s too old to have your first baby

[Stripyseagulls]

My good friend is desperate for her first baby & has had loads of treatment but it’s not working. I really feel for her a lot & she’s not ready to even start to think about not trying & is hoping to use donor eggs. She’s nearly 45 though.

I would never say this to her and I am trying to be positive but when is it too old? I almost feel like it’s a topic that can’t be discussed generally as it comes across as ageist. For me, the thought of having a 10 year old at 55 isn’t great to be honest - still having to be at primary school etc.

Aibu to ask what age you think is too old? Should I even ask the question?

*I don’t care what you feel like in your 50’s or other women you know.

OP asked opinions and I gave my personal experience.

Deal with it*

Personal experience based on a sample of one.

Won't listen to alternative experiences that widen sample - very sensible.

Perhaps the sample was not representative of all early 50s women?

... No, that clearly wouldn't be possible. ..

Oh and before you accuse me of being "touchy" too - im not that age.

We have friends in their late 60's with adopted teenage sons, and they are having a nightmarish time because essentially they are too old to understand/learn anything new.

Wow this is in line with the above example of the decrepit 52 yr old.

If they can't learn new things in their 60s, that would be down to their characters, not their age. I know plenty of people a lot older than that whom learn new, challenging things every day.

What an unbelievable & ridiculous attitude towards age.

late 60's .... essentially they are too old to understand/learn anything new.

Let me quote that again and see if my jaw closes - nope, still open.

Its totally up to your friend to decide when is too old. Odds are high with donor eggs if she and her husband have no other issues. I have 3 friends who had their 1 and only child at 46. They are all very happy including the children.

It's not ideal to have your first child at 45 or 46 but no one expects to have problems when they start ttc and in my friends case it took 10 years of treatment to have a baby. No one wants that. It's easy to say shes too old but you have 2 kids so you have no idea what she has been through to get to this point.

late 60's....essentially they are too old to understand/learn anything new.
Wow, that's extremely ageist. I suspect my mum in her 70s could teach you an awful lot about technology. As could many people I've worked with. 60s these days most people use phones, email, social media etc anyway so this couple are real outluers. Extrapolating from a dataset of a couple of people into "old people can't learn" is very silly.

@LiveInAHidingPlace

“The people I know having kids in their 20s tend to worry about everything, whereas the mums in their 30s are more relaxed. Younger mums could have more energy or be more able to relate to their children. Older parents have more life experience and more money.

Swings and roundabouts.”

I’m afraid I don’t have time to read through the whole thread. I was replying to the comment above. I understand we’re on the same page but you’re still speculating over stereotypes like the stressed young mum and tired old mum. As it happens, all the mums I know in their 20s worry less. I’m pointing out that you can’t make an assumption based on your own subjective experience.

"I’m afraid I don’t have time to read through the whole thread."

I wasn't making assumptions. As I said: people I know.

If you don't have time to read the thread, why comment.

I'm amazed that people are talking about mums in their early fifties not being fit and active. I had my children in my twenties. My parents are early/mid sixties and PILs almost seventy. All look after our dc regularly. None could run a marathon or weight lift but all are perfectly capable of walking for miles, playing football/cricket, swimming. Probably as active as I am. My grandads in his last eighties and a decade ago he'd have given the parents race a go :)

Dont get upset about statistics....

I stand by my comment.

There is a cut off age regardless how you feel when your 50. If most women felt having children in their 50’s was better as opposed to 20’s / 30’s then that would be the normal thing.

Because some women feel they can do it and manage - kudos to them. But they are the exception. Not the norm.

You don’t have to like my opinion but I’m going to give it regardless. Weather it’s a popular choice or not.

And you can quote and @ me all you like but I don’t take it back. This is a forum and if you don’t like to read others opinions - don’t come on here. Simple

Christ. A loving person who wants to be a loving parent - what's the problem?

I hate this - you might die and leave your child blah blah.

ANY OF US might die and leave our kids. Sadly.

I had my first at 39 and second at 40. I have far more patience than my mum had with me (she was 23) and in my opinion, I'm a much better mother because of it. Women in their 40's now are not 'old' like they were.

Those who harp on about how it's too old are usually those women who chose to wreck their 20's by having kids early!!!

And I find the ones to be so ok with having kids whilst they are older are unfortunately the women who have left it way too late and unfortunately have to tell themselves it’s normal

If they're having kids then obviously they haven't left it too late. That's just logic.

CTRL what happened that made you so judgemental towards other women and their choices? Did an older lady nick your pick n mix or something?

Call it what you want ladies.
I’m happy and love my life and glad I had my children when I did.

Nothings wrong with my opinion. If you don’t like it deal with it. I’m not taking it back

People keep choosing to have children later and later in life and want it to be the new ‘normal’ and it isn’t. So get over it.

Why can’t people on here handle opinions and the truth ??
I’m done

If this was flipped and someone was asking how young would be too young to have a child - people would be going insane and jumping guns saying young parents couldn’t manage.

Because a lot of women on here are older mums and seeking validation - and certain people obviously don’t agree with it; it’s seen as rude and offensive.

I don’t care how you feel about it...that’s how I see it

Some older women make great mums same as some young girls make great mums. But just because there are a few exceptions doesn’t mean it’s normal and doesn’t mean everyone agrees with it.

you simple have less energy post 40, yet your dc will still demand it throughout their childhood and teenage years.

Such rubbish. My energy is as good if not better than it was when I was in my 20’s.

CTRL, typical younger mum, stamping her feet and throwing her toys out of the pram when we don't agree with her and argue back.

Young uns, bless em.

Yes some women and I know plenty women have children when they are older and have perfect pregnancies and yes they are happy but my first comment regarding my friend who had an older parent - that’s the reality.

Regardless of how you feel; I’m talking about the other end of the spectrum. From a child’s point of view. To me that’s what’s most important: the child who has to grow up with elderly parents. Not that you finally fulfilled your dreams of finally getting pregnant.

And I was speaking from experience. Shamenut rubbed some of you the wrong way because unfortunately that’s the reality your probably facing and probably put at the back of your mind. But it happens.

Think about that

And I don’t recall mentioning my age.l anywhere so not sure why you assumed I was a young mother

Typical old mum; justifying her selfish actions all to finally experience a pregnancy that she should have thought about before she got too old and now can’t handle the truth

And you're acting like a typical older mum patronising and rude.
It's an opinion... just because you don't agree doesn't make her wrong??

It's her opinion... why are you so mad about it?

@Roozy123 thank you.
People on here can’t handle unpopular opinions - but this is a forum and your going to he different opinions.

If you don’t like it log off and hush up

You touched a nerve with some PP that's all. . Because who acts like that over someone's opinion because it's different to what they think?

My parents were in their mid to late forties when I was born. They always seemed older than my parents friends. People are having babies much later now so it's more common to have older parents, but I do think it needs to be seen from the child's point of view.

Now I'm in my early 50s many of my friends have parents who are fit and well and in their seventies. Mine were at that stage many years ago and are long dead. I sometimes feel envious; I know there are no guarantees in life but if you are an older parent it's likely your child will lose you at a much younger age.

There is no right answer and I totally understand your friend's desire to continue trying.

late 60's .... essentially they are too old to understand/learn anything new.

I think this is just down to the person because my dad is in his 60s and trying to teach him to use a particular app on his phone is HARD WORK and will take a few weeks for him to get it or he just gives up and says it's too complicated.

Yet my almost 90 year old grandad face times me and texts me very well. He was even able to set up his own face book account lol.

"And you're acting like a typical older mum patronising and rude."

It's called sarcasm.

CTRL, I thought you were done, yet here you are still.

No.. IMO you were exactly what I said.
Patronising and rude.

Sarcasm or not.