To ask when you think it’s too old to have your first baby

[Stripyseagulls]

My good friend is desperate for her first baby & has had loads of treatment but it’s not working. I really feel for her a lot & she’s not ready to even start to think about not trying & is hoping to use donor eggs. She’s nearly 45 though.

I would never say this to her and I am trying to be positive but when is it too old? I almost feel like it’s a topic that can’t be discussed generally as it comes across as ageist. For me, the thought of having a 10 year old at 55 isn’t great to be honest - still having to be at primary school etc.

Aibu to ask what age you think is too old? Should I even ask the question?

If I have to pick a cut-off age, I would say mid 40s.

I was a young mother (had all of my children by 25) and by the time I was 45 my eldest was 23. So, for me, having a baby at 45 was not something that I even vaguely considered doing. However, if I had, that baby would now be 16 and I'm not sure how I would cope with a teenager in the house now!
DH is already retired and I have reduced my working week to 3 days. How would we cope with a dependent child for the next several years? We would need to carry on working and would have to put retirement plans on hold for a further 5 to ten years.
These are things to be considered when planning when to start a family.

It's quite bizarre. People aren't usually choosing in a couple that they don't want a child in their 20s but then do want one in their 40s, there are a multitude of factors behind why they are having children later. The option is whether to try to have a child or not. From the actual child's perspective the question is "do I wish I'd never been born" rather than "do I wish my parents were younger", because they never could have been younger and had that child.

I am not too sure of the donor eggs thing. There is not enough donor eggs available on the nhs to treat everyone.
Many older women are resorting to buying eggs from fertility clinics abroad. So you have the more affluent using poor women.
There is a reason that many clinics are in places like Cyprus and the Czech Republic and even many uk clinics will be sourcing their eggs from abroad.

@LiveInAHidingPlace as in done debating with you....

why would I leave a forum because you don’t like my opinion ??

please !

@MRex
This is very true!

It's very easy for people who've never had to endure the pain of infertility to opine on other people's fertility. I say mind your own business. Your friend will come to the realisation on her own.

@80sMum - that isn't necessarily true, because you would have earned more when you were younger. Some older mums don't have the mortgage worries, career angst etc because they've established themselves already, which gives more freedom rather than less.

I think it’s an individual choice but I do think it’s much more to consider than having a baby it’s the longer term implications that would put me off, eg having teenagers when you are pushing 60. No one can say what anyone else’s health will be like but at 49 with a tween and a teenager and heading towards the menopause I am a lot more tired than I was even 5 years ago. Everyone is different of course but it’s not just about having a baby.

For myself, I think 40 would of been my absolute limit. We suffered with infertility (11 years of it) and had our first when I was 34, sadly she passed away from a chromosome disorder and I had our second when I was 35. I'm 37 now and we've decided to stop as we are. It could in all likelihood take a long time for us to conceive again, I've already lost one child to genetic issues and the likelihood of that happening again increases with age. Plus the idea of dealing with a toddler in my 40's or even 50's fills me with dread. Pregnancy was rough for me both physically and mentally. My husband has now had the snip and got the all clear.

I can't speak for anyone else, there are 40 years olds, heck even 50 year olds who are in better shape than me but for me.

I'm going to come off the fence and say 73yo is too fucking old.

www.bbc.co.uk/news/amp/uk-49575735

@Baguetteaboutit
That is awful for the mother, father and children... Why she was allowed any treatment is beyond me.

Selfish.

And anyone that thinks you can start a family at 73 and it's not selfish or ridiculous needs to give their head a wobble.

I do think it is tough on the child to have older parents. An ex had a much older dad he was really embarrassed and got some abuse being a teen with a father in his 60's.
I'd my last at 35 he is 4. I definitely have the energy but I do feel like an older DM especially with all the teachers in their 20's

I wouldn't have wanted to after 36-37. I'd say early 40s if being considerate of the child and not just thinking about what you want.

My grandmother was 48 when I was born!
I'm 29 now my mum is 53 and I have 3 children oldest is 5.
My nan has always been fit and active but I couldn't imagine her being my mum (or Atleast my mum being her age)
I have 3 small children and my nan is dependent on help for certain things appointments, shopping, life admin etc etc
I help her out a lot but my mum does the brunt as its her mother but I couldn't imagine having to do everything my mum does for my nan aswell as look after my children and work.
My mum is Also a fantastic help with my children and a good friend I feel like the dinamics of the relationships are different with mums who have they're children older.

@user1471546851
I agree... and your mum sounds lovely

People are different though. I had my last child at 44. No issues. She's 4. I'm fit and active. My mum is 78 (close in age to your grandmother). She's completely independent so it's unlikely my kids will have to help me until their 40s which isn't unusual at all...

My parent were 45 and 46 when I was born.

My youngest sibling is 9 years older and all my cousins are of a similar age or older so I felt quite excluded from my extended family whereas my siblings were very close with them.

I spent my teenage years worrying about my mum's declining health and how tight money was as a result.

I spent a l lot of my teenage years and young adulthood comparing my upbringing to that of my siblings and I was always (and still am to this day) incredibly envious of how much more energy and patience my parents had for my sibling and how much more time my siblings got with them.

I honestly can't think of a single way I gained from having older parents but I could go on for a long time listing the disadvantages.

@Stripyseagulls

This topic has been done to death on here, and the threads never go well. But of COURSE mid to late 40s is too bloody old to have your first baby. It's too old to have one at all!

I know it's never a popular view on here, as so many people seem to know sooooo many women who have their first baby at 46, their second at 48 and their third at 53, and every pregnancy goes sooooo well, and every baby is sooooo healthy, and there are no issues at all!

But in real life, most women don't have their first baby in their late 40s!!! In fact, most women (in real life) don't have ANY babies after 42/43!

IMO she is too old. In fact, I don't think anyone should be having babies after the age of 40 tbh. It's massively selfish and very unfair on the child. I know some people come out with the old chestnut 'but my auntie fifi was running marathons in her 80s and lived till 137, and could run rings round me, and was perfectly healthy and fit her whole life with no health issues at all...'

But the reality is that the health of most people will start to decline in their early to mid 60s. For some it will be a decade younger. Having school age children when you are on the cusp of drawing your pension is just bizarre and weird.

As @handknittedchicken said, there are way more disadvantages than there are advantages.

I am sure that there are cases of people having babies in the mid 40s that work out swimmingly, and the parents live til their 90s, and are very healthy their whole lives. But these cases would be the exception rather than the rule.

@user1493759849 100% summed it up.

It won't be liked but what you've said is the truth.

My husband’s cut off was 35 and he believed that any older was “too old” to be having a new baby.

I’m 35 now and don’t feel too old to have a baby but I think by the time you’re hitting late 30’s that’s when having babies should stop.

But that’s just my opinion obviously.

I have a friend, her kids had both grown up & one was in final year at university, the other was working, she realised her periods had stopped, thought it was the menopause, she was pregnant at 49. Very shocked but her & husband decided to have the baby. She gave birth a couple of weeks after her 50th birthday, sailed through the pregnancy, was wandering round the supermarket in early labour, very easy delivery & was out & about 24 hours after giving birth. They are so happy, little girl started school this term, mum was lucky enough to get early retirement from work & for the first time ever is a full time mum, she had to work when her older children were small. They both think that being parents again is the best thing they have ever done.

I had my DS when I was nearly 42. I think he must have been my last healthy egg, as we tried for another but it wasn't to be. We thought about donor eggs, but I didn't want to do that when I already had DS naturally. I'm 49 now and we don't use any contraception and would be very happy if we had a 'little accident'. It's unlikely though. Oh, and user1493759849 - I don't agree with you at all!!

Nat6999 I would sooooo love that to happen to me!!

Under 50 for both parents.

For me personally 35max, for everyone else 40, absolutely no later than 45 though. First or fourth makes no difference.
Neither do I believe in ivf etc.