To ask when you think it’s too old to have your first baby

[Stripyseagulls]

My good friend is desperate for her first baby & has had loads of treatment but it’s not working. I really feel for her a lot & she’s not ready to even start to think about not trying & is hoping to use donor eggs. She’s nearly 45 though.

I would never say this to her and I am trying to be positive but when is it too old? I almost feel like it’s a topic that can’t be discussed generally as it comes across as ageist. For me, the thought of having a 10 year old at 55 isn’t great to be honest - still having to be at primary school etc.

Aibu to ask what age you think is too old? Should I even ask the question?

I would have loved to have been a mum in my 20s but I didn't meet DH until I was 29 and then infertility and IVF followed and I had DS at 34. I've had 2 further failed rounds and am considering whether to go again which would make me 38. It's nobody's business at the end of the day. Those saying that their 'cut off' would be mid 30s were clearly lucky enough to meet their partners earlier and/or have no fertility issues.

They’re going to have her working until she’s 75. That’s another 30 years away. Why not fill that time as a mother if she can. Don’t be so ageist

I’m 45 and would never consider having a baby. However I have 3 children so it would be a mad consideration. However, I’m as fit and healthy as I was at 28 when I had my first. I’m not tired, I’ve plenty of energy and of I was still childless I can’t imagine I wouldn’t try. I think 45 would be my cut off.

My mum had me unexpectedly at 45. She told me that she was terrified of being an older mum and had me riding a bike and learning to swim before I started school because she didnt think she'd have the energy to teach me in her 50s! Turns out she did.

My parents were financially far better off in their 40s than in their 20s and so I benefitted from that. There were some periods where she was very unwell, but I dont think you could say they were necessarily age related illnesses, just bad luck. I think those were the times that were difficult for her. I never resented her being an older mum and I believe I kept her young. She is now 80 with few health problems and this afternoon was playing football in the garden with my ds and throwing him round in the air.

What about the MENZ
why is it selfish as a woman
But not as a man

I fucking despair

My parents became foster parents after me and my siblings had grown up.
They are now 72 (nearly 73) and 68. Both at home fostering full time.

My little ‘sister’ is 14. She has no consistent contact with her birth family, and my parents have fostered her since she was 9. She calls my parents mum and dad (despite being similar in age to my nieces and nephews who call them Nan and Grandpa) and has begged them to adopt her. She says they are the best parents she has had (she has had a number of care givers). She keeps asking her social workers to change her name to theirs. She talks about the future and about my Dad walking her down the aisle like he did with us, and about how they will be the grandparents to her children. Yes, it is highly likely (and sad) that that will not happen. But why rain on her hope and dreams?

My siblings and I actually think my parents are better foster carers in their old age, than they were as prarents to us. They were good parents, but I think they have a much better understanding and wisdom of the world through experience. They have patience and are more carefree and relaxed I think. They are excellent parents and in great fitness.

People can die or have poor health or less energy at any age. The menopause will say when it’s too late to ‘have a baby’ bit as long as the health and circumstances allow, I don’t think there is a cut off age to ‘parent a child’ through all sorts of other means (I.e special guardianship, adoption, fostering, surrogacy etc)

Also - just to add - it is a possibility that my dad may get to walk my little sister down the aisle as there of course is the chance that he will live well into his 80s or 90s!

Huncamuncaa
Thank you for your post. As a 47 year old mum of a two and three year old, this thread was starting to depress me. Grateful for your more positive outlook.

I had my last DC at 44. I'm not old, don't feel old and my child won't be disadvantaged by having older parents, we are financially better off than most people, settled and stable. Good luck to your friend, I hope she succeeds in having her family.

My auntie had her first baby at 45 (naturally, not donor eggs) and I know plenty of peopl my age (mid 40s) with new/young babies.

Anything over 40 yo for a first child is incredibly selfish IMO.

Anywhere near the menopause. That is ghastly enough without having a small child to look after.
A friend of mine said her mum was 50 when she had her naturally and all she can remember was looking after elderly parents who died when she was in her late 20.

If you are an ordinary person, on an ordinary income. You have to work and so does your partner. No one will bail you out to pay for babysitters etc. If this is you then I think you shouldn’t have dc past 35.

I had my youngest at 34 and i think that was too old.

The older I get the more I realise we get influenced by people who are privileged to be able to make decisions regular people should not make. Because regular people don’t have a financial safety net.

So unless you have an unusual social network of support or come from a privileged background don’t risk it and don’t have dc in middle age.

Not being able to afford a babysitter or take time out of working life wears you down, and you simple have less energy post 40, yet your dc will still demand it throughout their childhood and teenage years.

I think it's very much an individual choice. I was lucky in that I met my dh when I was 19 and we didn't have any fertility problems so I had a lot more choice than the OP's friend. I'm 37 and feel much too old to have babies now. My youngest is 5 and I felt quite old having him really. I was the oldest in the maternity ward by quite a few years and most of the other mums in his class at school are 5-10 years younger than me.

God I can't believe how judgemental some of you are. Do you call women who have babies young selfish as well for having babies with no financial security or life experience?

"I was the oldest in the maternity ward by quite a few years"

That depends massively on where you live, surely.

Donor eggs at 45 is fine. It's probably best for her to get on and try the donor eggs because there can be a waiting list.

My son (my younger child) joined our family by adoption and was born when I was 45 so I will be 55 at the school gates when he is 10. And to be honest I would not have it any other way (because I don't have a time machine to go back and start earlier!)

If you are an ordinary person, on an ordinary income. You have to work and so does your partner. No one will bail you out to pay for babysitters etc. If this is you then I think you shouldn’t have dc past 35.

This doesn’t make any sense. Surely older parents with established careers are more likely to be able to afford babysitters/help than parents in their 20s

A woman in my NCT group was 45 with her first. She had a rough pregnancy and her dream of a natural birth didn't happen (induced, forceps, then EMCS) but in the end so worth it as she has the child she's wanted for so long.

They were lucky though and conceived naturally.

@madcatladyforever A friend of mine said her mum was 50 when she had her naturally and all she can remember was looking after elderly parents who died when she was in her late 20.

Most people these days also aren't decrepit in their 60s when she would have been a teenager and should remember something of her life. Did she actually say she wished she hadn't been born? That must be your implication in this context, but I don't see it.

My mum had me in her early 40s in the 1970s and I concur with the poster who said it was tough to have older parents for many reasons. I always thought they’d die young - and they did. They also had old fashioned views etc.
The parent I know now who had their DC late (by private ivf) must’ve been late 40s and the DF is much older - are so old fashioned too. I’m sure they’re doting parents but they haven’t really kept up w the times, etc. Plus the DF is in 70s (he was retired when DC was in infants) and the DC is 17.

Each to their own I guess.

I'm pregnant with my 3rd and I am 33 this December.
Personally I wanted to get pregnant this year as I really didn't want to be pregnant at 34/35 as the complications can be higher and with the baby.
So I couldn't imagine having one over 35... But that's personally IMO.

I'm sure there is plenty of women that have babies in their 40s and are very happy.

It is old but not that unusual, not sure I could cope though! That said if I had a happy accident I would not abort. (Pretty sure I'm beyond the ability to conceive though)

I have been thinking that it is less about how you are at 45 having a baby and more how you will be when they are 30. I had "older parents" (DF40 and DM 35) in the 80's, and while it made no difference to me as a child, now I feel responsible for my own small family plus a father with advancing dementia and a depressed DM as carer. It is really hard, and because they were older, I have no siblings to share the burden with.

I think it depends on your circumstances. I'm a single parent working full time and nearing 50 with young teens and tweens. I'm exhausted. I can't imagine doing this in my 60s.

Yes, I will probably still have to work in my 60s but by then my children will be adults, so things will be easier at home.

If you are wealthy enough to give up work in your 50s regardless of whether your marriage survives it would be easier.

Also, there can be MASSIVE health differences in people in their 60' and 70's, so I would say staying fit and healthy should be an absolute priority. We have friends in their late 60's with adopted teenage sons, and they are having a nightmarish time because essentially they are too old to understand/learn anything new.