To ask when you think it’s too old to have your first baby

[Stripyseagulls]

My good friend is desperate for her first baby & has had loads of treatment but it’s not working. I really feel for her a lot & she’s not ready to even start to think about not trying & is hoping to use donor eggs. She’s nearly 45 though.

I would never say this to her and I am trying to be positive but when is it too old? I almost feel like it’s a topic that can’t be discussed generally as it comes across as ageist. For me, the thought of having a 10 year old at 55 isn’t great to be honest - still having to be at primary school etc.

Aibu to ask what age you think is too old? Should I even ask the question?

I agree it comes down to the health & fitness of the would-be parents, and their attitude/ energy/ outlook. My mum had me at 37 and her age was never a problem for me, although I think she did get middle-aged very fast! I had my son at 37 too and now pregnant with twins at 40, naturally. I don't think late 30s/early 40s is that late if you're well and energetic. Kids are at their most tiring under 5 and you'd still be in your 40s for that. They'll be adults before I get to 60. Plus it's not unusual to be an older mum now; I don't look out of place at my son's nursery!

I think there are some issues that can come if your own mum was around 40 when you were born, and then you wait until 40 too. This happened to a friend of mine. She had to juggle the early years with caring for sick, aging parents and I know it was really hard on her. Her DD also never got to meet her GP's when they were well. She's only ever known them to be old and unwell. They've both passed away now so I know it's been tough for my friend.

My GP's were in their 50's when I was born so I had many years of happy memories with them. It would have been sad to miss out on that. That being said, my mum was 41 when I had my first baby and she's been a rubbish grandmother! (she was also a rubbish mum but that's another story!) so it isn't all about age!

Ultimately some people just don't meet the right person at a younger age or they have fertility problems etc. There are so many reasons a woman might have a child later. It isn't what I would call the "ideal" to have a baby at 45. But I had my DC much younger and was not in "ideal" circumstances either. So it isn't really for me to judge.

I naturally had dd at 41 after a long ttc with no help as dh didnt believe in help (whole argument im not getting into). prior to 50 no problem. My gran had my uncle aged 49 (last of a few).

I have several 'older' mum friends, I.e in their 40s. Some had their babies naturally, but I have 2 friends who had IVF. I do notice a difference in their parenting and energy levels to myself (late 20s). One of my friends has just turned 50 with a 4 year old, her husband is 60something and has grown up children and grand children. They are not good parents in my opinion and they can not keep up with the demands and energy of the 4yo. They can't keep on top of his behaviour and prioritise their own established social lives above the needs of the child, they are out of touch. Too old.

In Australia there are more grandparents collecting children from school than parents. I have three and have more time and energy than their parents at the moment. I take the youngest to playgroup and gymnastics and look after him afterwards,, and the older ones to after school activities and host play dates. I am 64 and love it. I am sure that older parents, more secure financially and more mature generally, will be fantastic parents to much wanted children. I know several and they seem happier than the younger ones. No one should judge.

For me too old would be when you don’t have the energy to give a child the childhood they deserve or be able to finance them through to uni age.

For me too old would be when you don’t have the energy to give a child the childhood they deserve or be able to finance them through to uni age.

If you can't give a child the childhood it deserves and you can't see having the ability to finance them through Uni, then you shouldn't have that child, at any age. Some 45-50 year olds will be better parents than some 25-30 year olds. Hell, some grandparents at 60+ are better parents than their own children are!

I had mine at 28 & 34. My personal 'cut-off' was 40, because that was how old I was when I stopped feeling 'broody' and realized that life was pretty fantastic without worrying about nappies, toilet training and all else that goes with small children.

SuzieQ10 - so why don’t you suggest your “friends” have their child adopted if they are “too old”.

Women in their 50s a good few decades ago were getting on for elderly, whereas women in their 50s now barely register as middle aged. I think that’s what a lot of people forget. They are seeing a 50 year old as some sort of elderly granny like figure with a tight grey perm, felt slippers and a housecoat.

My hard cut off age was 35.

My father was early flurries and had recently had major health problems. My mother was late thirties and is already dead. I’m mid twenties. I don’t think it made a difference when I was a child but now it does. I wouldn’t put an age on ‘too old’ but I would say that there are significant negatives for the child that have to considered before people older the early thirties think about conceiving.

@RETIREDandHAPPY but parents who have children late often deny their children that kind of help you give yours. That’s one of the hardest things. In my culture children are usually cared for by grandparents. It’s very upsetting to me that both my children and I are missing out on that.

Women have always had children in their 40s. As far as I'm aware, three of my four great-grandmothers had one or more kids aged forty-plus. They'd had other kids before but I'm not sure that's relevant to most of the arguments that people raise against women in their 40s having kids.

Personally I think that if you're in your 40s it's fine.

I know theres a few celebs that have had their first at 50+ but I do think that's too old.

Anything up to 45.

peri menopause and menopause don't mix well with young kids

women in their 50s now barely register as middle aged.

..50somethings are very much 'middle aged'. Whether they see themselves that way or not. People like to present themselves as youthful longer, but it doesn't change nature.

*@Biggobyboo *
SuzieQ10 - so why don’t you suggest your “friends” have their child adopted if they are “too old”.

Well because that would be drastic and unkind. Obviously.

Your friend probably agrees @Stripyseagulls that having a 10 year old at 55 ‘isn’t great’ but then infertility is a bitch. I think as long as her clinic is saying it’s ok to keep going and she has got the mental and physical strength to carry on then that’s fine. She is a complete warrior

3rd at 44. Loving life. 😊

@LiveInAHidingPlace

I’m a mum in my early 20s and I’m far more relaxed and less anxious than my friends in their 30s. I’m more confident in my decisions.

I think most things like this are subjective and down to personality, not age.

CTRL from your snippy little comments "deal with it", "touchy touchy" and inability to extrapolate that I didn't necessarily literally mean a three legged race, I'm going to guess you're one of those thick, immature younger mums who pump out babies in their early 20s despite their lack of life experience?

Ane before you make another comment, that was an example of irony. You may have heard of it.

"I think most things like this are subjective and down to personality, not age."

Er yes that's what I've been pointing out through this entire thread, if you actually read it.

"Hell, some grandparents at 60+ are better parents than their own children are!"

Exactly.

My FIL is up at 5, works all day on his farm, only stops for an hour for lunch, has dinner at 6, works another 2 hours and then goes out to meet his friend for badminton every evening.

Meanwhile, some of my friends in their 20s spend every weekend lying around moaning about how tired they are from their 9 to 5 desk job.

I have more energy at nearly 40 than I did when I was a teenager or in my 20s.

Age d

I had ds when I was 40, dh 46. I'd like another (am 44 now) but DH says NO. I don't think I'd have been prepared if I had ds any earlier. I had a whale of a time in my 20s and 30s. Both our parents are still around and active. We've have no money worries. Couldn't have worked out better tbh. Some days we are knackered, but that's because we have a ds that thinks sleep is for losers. I've no doubt I'd be just as knackered if I was 30. 🤷‍♀️