To ask when you think it’s too old to have your first baby

[Stripyseagulls]

My good friend is desperate for her first baby & has had loads of treatment but it’s not working. I really feel for her a lot & she’s not ready to even start to think about not trying & is hoping to use donor eggs. She’s nearly 45 though.

I would never say this to her and I am trying to be positive but when is it too old? I almost feel like it’s a topic that can’t be discussed generally as it comes across as ageist. For me, the thought of having a 10 year old at 55 isn’t great to be honest - still having to be at primary school etc.

Aibu to ask what age you think is too old? Should I even ask the question?

My gran was 46 when she gave birth to my mum. I know several women in the 41-45 bracket who have conceived naturally. So if you can conceive naturally at that age I don't feel it's too old for fertility treatments.

My children have a very active life . I am 55, DH is still in his forties, and we live near the sea. I was bodyboarding for two hours with my 12 year old a few days ago and we are off for another dip after lunch . We do far more active stuff as a family than my parents ever did with me. ( my Mum had me at 32, Dad was 28). I think that parents now in general, irrespective of age, do more stuff like this with their children, my generation were sent outside to play, but our parents never played with us. My friends of 47 with five year olds are fitter than some of my younger friends.
I did not need any fertility treatment, I got pregnant easily at 40 and 42, but I see no reason why any woman of childbearing age should not get fertility treatment if she is struggling to get pregnant. Women/couples of all ages have fertility problems, it is not always down to age.

Women/couples of all ages have fertility problems, it is not always down to age

Very true. My sister was told at 18 she "wouldn't be able to have kids"

Later on in her 20s she understood more about POS and how it can effect fertility- she's struggled for a LONG time with this.
She's now 38 and would love to be a mum but because her partner has children already IVF isn't available on the NHS for her.

I don't agree AT ALL that women shouldn't be allowed ivf and whoever doesn't "agree with ivf" (or believe in it🤨) I would have no idea why!? Can't think of 1 reason why tbh.

Pcos**

@user1493759849 right and how old were you when you had your kids?

@raspberryk are you one of those that thinks IVF is reserved for those who left it too late due to lifestyle choices/not meeting the one? Or do you think women who had cancer in their teens shouldn't have children either because they need help doing so? Or those unfortunate enough to suffer from a condition like PCOS or endometriosis like myself? Believe me I didn't want to need donor eggs at 28 but luckily many people do believe in IVF

I don’t think there is a cut off age, it’s a very personal decision.

For me my cut off was 35, I was fortunate enough to have had 4 DC before I was 35 though and my DH then had the snip and I’m also on contraception just in case. If I hadn’t had children and needed treatment whose to say?

I do know a family who went abroad when the mother was 56 to have IVF, had twins one has severe learning disabilities they can’t cope with him partly due to their age.

@raspberryk clearly decided just to leave a controversial comment and disappear...

I think late 40s nowadays is not massively unusual age for a first child. Early 50s as well. I'd say 70s is too old.

Not in my neck of the woods symptom. I'm 40 and one of the oldest mums in my 5yo child's class. I'm not an obvious outlier but I would be if you added 10 years.

I'm amazed you all know the age of parents in your kids classes, does it get put on a list of class info?

Heavens to Betsy, there are some right arseholes of posts on this thread.

I had my first at 37, last at 41. We started trying when i was 30, I had cancer when I was 34, so it was just the way it worked out.

I am 50 now and older than most of ds's friends parents, it seems to make no difference.

My dds dont seem to think I am massively out of touch (you know, apart from my Max Bygraves collection and love of crocheted bed jackets....) and have a healthy level of 'cringe' towards me (all 13+ year olds find their parents a little bit embarrassing on occasion , don't they?!...if they don't the parents are definitely doing something wrong)

I work with preschool age children and see parents of all ages (including grandparents caring full time)....there are parents/carers of all ages who struggle and parents/carers of all ages who don't so much. Being the best parent you can be is the thing, whatever your age.

40+

I hate the number of negative young mum comments on this thread. You don’t need to bash young mums to praise older mums! It’s a bias I find a lot on mn and its quite upsetting.

I had my ds at 21 but people often presume I’m under 18. I’ve had to shake off many prejudice little comments here and there.

Personally, I don’t think there is such a thing as too old to be a good mum. The only reason I’d say after 45 is too old is because I’d feel sorry for the child for having less time with their parents. But that’s not a valid reason as you can’t tell how long the parent will live for or how close they will be to their adult child. Essentially, anyone deserves to be a mum as long as they are willing to give it their best.

In your 70s, like the recent indian mothers.

I had a child at 22 and one at 37.

Not a jot of difference in my energy levels. I was just as knackered at 22 as I was at 37

My concerns would be that the child would not have siblings, cousin other family members around the same age. They wouldnt have much time/if any with grandparents which I think is really important.
The parents could end up having to care for a young child whilst caring for elderly parents at the same time.
I feel very sorry for this lady, she has had over 20 years to conceive a child and for whatever reason it hasn't happened.

They wouldnt have much time/if any with grandparents which I think is really important.

My mum had me aged 25. My grandparents all died before I was 8.

We should all be having children later, it's much better for the planet to have generations spread out more to reduce the population. The more pertinent question is how young is too young to have children?

And also the fact that you will be in your early to mid FIFTIES when they are at primary school. If that ain't weird and uncomfortable for a little kid (whose friends parents are mostly 25 to 35 ish,) then I don't know what is

My eldest is in Yr 4 so 3 years to go. There aren't many under 35 mothers at pick up from juniors at her school. Not sure 'mostly 25-35' is accurate.

PS Also, the kids really don't notice - we are all old to them.

@resipsa

Statistically, most parents are in that age bracket & kids do notice. Especially if it’s say 10 years.

@cleopatrai

I agree. Almost Mother’s at the schools local to me are within that age bracket too.

Parents at 25-35 in primary school = giving birth at 14-24. For the UK that's statistically way out.

www.independent.co.uk/news/health/pregnancy-baby-thirties-live-longer-life-expectancy-coimbra-fertility-a7867901.html
"The average age of a first-time mother in the UK is 30. One in 25 UK births are to women over 40."
So, average mother's age when leaving primary school is 41, and more than one in 25 will be 50+. The average mother is 35 at the start of primary school.

A baby is a joy at any age and people do well or less well as parents based on other factors than their age. I have a little one and I can tell you of mums I know that I've been way out guessing age, thinking a 26 year old was late 30s and a 43 year old was late 20s. What they have in common is that they're nice women who I get along well with. Older or younger bring different challenges, but there is always some challenge. Maybe we can turn this thread into being a bit more supportive of younger and older mothers, because I'd hate to think that anyone felt shy about being friends with other mums in their child's peer group, whether they're in their teens or in their late 40s when they give birth.

@CTRL @Cleopatrai perhaps it depends where you live. All the mums I know with kids at primary school are over 35. It would be out of the ordinary to see a mum with a kid between 5 and 10, say, who was under 30.