To ask when you think it’s too old to have your first baby

[Stripyseagulls]

My good friend is desperate for her first baby & has had loads of treatment but it’s not working. I really feel for her a lot & she’s not ready to even start to think about not trying & is hoping to use donor eggs. She’s nearly 45 though.

I would never say this to her and I am trying to be positive but when is it too old? I almost feel like it’s a topic that can’t be discussed generally as it comes across as ageist. For me, the thought of having a 10 year old at 55 isn’t great to be honest - still having to be at primary school etc.

Aibu to ask what age you think is too old? Should I even ask the question?

@Shmithecat2
I don’t know if that was aimed at me! But what I meant was you’ve set your child up for a life of embarrassment just for being alive!!
I was trying to say, kids are embarrassed by most things. And age is irrelevant really. Anyone picking up on the age of a mother and that it will be bad for the child because of bullying etc is talking shit! Anything will make you child embarrassed of you!!

Except to say - you’re a cunt
Always one 🙄

That’s not right. I had DC1 at 31 and I’ll be 36 when they start Reception next year. Anyone who had their DC before 30 would have a primary student by age 35 or younger.

I think most of us who read the post saying primary children should have parents between the ages of 25-35 took it to mean children between ages 4 and 11, not just Reception class children. So basically, if you had an 11 year old the latest you should have had them was 24...which to me isn’t the case in real life at all. Your circumstances seem much closer to the children and parents I know, most of whom have a parent in their 40s by the time they leave primary.

@MRex

Parents at 25-35 with kids in primary school = giving birth at 14-24. For the UK that's statistically way out.

LOL, are you being serious?! Maybe you should read peoples posts properly! 😂 I said PRIMARY school, not secondary!

Who the F would think it meant a 25 year old has a bloody 11 year old?! 😂

Someone not too bright... OR someone purposely being awkward and pedantic.

Probably all of the above!

@edgeofheaven

That’s not right. I had DC1 at 31 and I’ll be 36 when they start Reception next year. Anyone who had their DC before 30 would have a primary student by age 35 or younger.

Exactly!

@CTRL

I find the rudest posts here seem to be from Mothers who have chosen to have children later in life and don’t like reading about how it affects the child (something they possibly didn’t think about.)

Yep definitely. They may not like to hear it, but although some people think it's just DANDY to have a baby at 46, because they're sooooo fit and healthy and can outrun Mo Farrar, they fail to address the fact that when the child is at primary school, they will be in their 50s (and will look their age as most people do,) and they will be a pensioner while the child is still a teenager! Causing embarrassment for the child.

So not only will this cause some embarrassment (and possibly bullying) for the child, but also, they are setting the child up for the risk of being a carer to an ailing pensioner when they should be living their best young life, OR making them an orphan at a very young age.

Very selfish.

As I said earlier in the thread, these people who think it's so fab to have a baby when they're in their mid to late 40s should think about the child, and not think of themselves and THEIR needs and wants and desires!!! Not nice to hear maybe, and obviously hitting a raw nerve with some, but I do have a valid point, and many people clearly agree.

@user1493759849 how old were you?

I think social demographics are a huge factor, I live in a very naice middle class rural area, it is rare for anyone much under 30 to be married or have children, post 35 is more usual. All of my NCT class was over 35.
I work in academia and all of the women in my faculty that have had first babies in 2018 and 2019 were 40 or older. It is just not the done thing to be a young parent in these circles.
I have to admit I’d very much judge anyone under 25, it is a dreadful waste of younger years to settle so young and to have such low professional ambition.
So I judge as much as I am judged for being over 40!

@user1493759849 I have to admit that is how I took your post. Primary is aged 4 to 11...did you mean infant school? Even then we’ve got a high proportion of children with mothers at around the age of 40 with kids aged 4 or 5. Quite a lot of women my age, 35, that I went to school with are pregnant currently (just as many as were pregnant in early 30s) so they’ll be almost 40 when their kids start Reception.

@user1493759849 - you talked about anyone giving birth in their 40s so I went with 40, not the very precise 46 that fits your new argument. Anyway, given the average age for a first child is 30, the average first time mum is 35 when their child starts primary, and older for subsequent children. Not 25.

Most people having a child at any age do think about that child; older mums are balancing whether that child should exist or not in their decision. I don't know why you're so excitable about this topic, why does it matter to you so much that you are actively trying to offend other posters?

@MRex

I have not mentioned the age of 46 nor have I got a new argument.

WTF are you on about?

Are you still thinking primary school starting age is eleven?

Educate yourself before commenting.

Anyway, even if the average age of having a 'first' baby IS 30, you would still have a child at primary at 35. D'oh! Must try harder sweetie!

@user1493759849 - you just said 46 in your last post and then failed to read mine correctly, again. What has made you so determined to be rude? Your attitude is bizarre.

I'm only 35 and someone started a rumour at work that I'm infertile because I haven't had kids yet....I was horrified and very hurt... I understand what you're thinking as she would be classed as a geriatric mother and high risk for downs etc but it's such a sensitive subject. Id honestly just support her the best you can and keep your opinions to yourself.

@MRex

But when I mentioned the age of 46, I was on about a TOTALLY different thing. I mentioned 46 as being an age where it's RIDICULOUS to have your first baby. And that being in your 50s when your child is only 5, (and many mums at the primary school will be 25-35,) will be weird and a bit embarrassing. You will have nothing in common with most of the mums.

And when your child is 11-12, and you are nearly SIXTY, they will be mortified to have such an old mum. I know this, from some people who have had older mums. As a pp said way back in the thread, there are very few positives to having an older mum. (I mean like a mum who had you at 43/44 plus!)

At least TRY and to read and understand peoples posts before posting!!!

You can't just make stuff up to suit your agenda.

And you can't just accuse people of having a 'bizarre attitude' PURELY because they disagree with you. Grow up! Seriously!

@user1493759849 - I'm not going to respond to you further on this topic because I don't like your posting style.

@MRex

user1493759849 - I'm not going to respond to you further on this topic because I don't like your posting style.

LOL. Just when I thought I'd heard everything on here.

You realised you were wrong, you lost the argument, and now refuse to respond anymore, because you don't like my posting style.

PMSL. All you had to do was admit you got it wrong. Ain't that hard.

@user1493759849

How old were this when you had your children?

you, not this

you realised you were wrong, you lost the argument it's not a case of wrong or right - you have your opinion, others have theirs.

I don't know how old you are user1493759849, but you seem to have a strange and limiting view of age...especially people over 50! I have friends who are 20 years younger than me and 20 years older.

(50 btw and one of those 'selfish' older mums)

I know a few older mums and none of their children seem embarrassed or mortified by their parents
One 15 yr old has just come back from an activity holiday with her 59 yr old fit and active mum. Theyre very close.

Wow, there's some utter shite on this thread.

Posters bleating on that their opinion is the 'truth'. Really unpleasant. One might argue that those behaving so unkindly to other posters may not be the best role model for their children, regardless of age.

@wilburissomepig I agree...someone said on here about being older and not having anything in common with the other mums.... does life revolve around having mothers meetings gossiping at the school gates?! Being a mother is so much more, this is so ignorant

You can't just make stuff up to suit your agenda.

@user1493759849 with respect, you appear to be doing that too. You state that a child will be mortified at 11-12 at having a mum at nearly SIXTY. I wasn't at all embarrassed by my mum being older, didn't even cross my mind. I also don't agree that there are very few positives to having older parents. Again, I disagree, given my own experiences but I'd be interested in reading whatever evidence you or any other poster has on this anyway.

People need to stop making assumptions. It's a bit like saying older mothers can't keep up with their children, aren't active and spend their time at the docs with all their ailments or that all younger parents are self obsessed and ignore their children by spending all their time on their phones, while plugging their children into various devices.

Both are pretty much bullshit.

@WilburIsSomePig

Wow, there's some utter shite on this thread.

Yep

Posters bleating on that their opinion is the 'truth'. Really unpleasant. One might argue that those behaving so unkindly to other posters may not be the best role model for their children, regardless of age.

Indeed. And if there are kids being bullied because their parents are 'older', its probably their kids being the bullies.

Well skittlenommer mother nature obviously disagrees. I had my twins at 42 ( conceived within 2 months of trying ) with no issues and fwiw I'm a much better mother than I was to dc1 aged 23. More patient, know more etc etc. Why is it too old? Why is it unfair on the kids? Bear in mind the women in my family generally live to over 90 ( my mother is 75 and better than most 60 year olds I know) .

@Bubbletrouble43

Well skittlenommer mother nature obviously disagrees. I had my twins at 42 ( conceived within 2 months of trying.

Just because you CAN do something, that doesn't necessarily mean you SHOULD do it.