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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask when you think it’s too old to have your first baby

466 replies

Stripyseagulls · 05/09/2019 04:56

My good friend is desperate for her first baby & has had loads of treatment but it’s not working. I really feel for her a lot & she’s not ready to even start to think about not trying & is hoping to use donor eggs. She’s nearly 45 though.

I would never say this to her and I am trying to be positive but when is it too old? I almost feel like it’s a topic that can’t be discussed generally as it comes across as ageist. For me, the thought of having a 10 year old at 55 isn’t great to be honest - still having to be at primary school etc.

Aibu to ask what age you think is too old? Should I even ask the question?

OP posts:
NameChange84 · 07/09/2019 20:25

Parents at 25-35 in primary school = giving birth at 14-24. For the UK that's statistically way out.

That’s what I thought when I read that post!

Although teenage pregnancies happen, I don’t think it’s within children’s best interests to encourage it!

24 would certainly be the youngest that primary school parents would be in my very working class economically deprived area of the country. Most people start families between 27 and 35 round here with the most being concentrated between 29 and 31. Late twenties to late forties is typical for primary aged mothers round here.

NameChange84 · 07/09/2019 20:28

And late 20s would be for reception and yr1 mothers. My friend had her first child at 22 and the next youngest mother to her at school was ten years older than her when her daughter started Reception (friend was 26, next youngest Mum 36).

Pipandmum · 07/09/2019 20:36

I had mine at 41 and 43. My sister at 45. A friend at 46. All naturally conceived without any intervention.
I think there’s a difference between conceiving in your 40s without help and going to extraordinary lengths. I think your friend should stop at 48 simply as it’s very unlikely to be successful but it’s her body and her money.
And my only regret having kids at my age is that my parents were already in their late 70s and my children do not have the benefit of that relationship, and I in turn may be too old to fully enjoy my own grandchildren for long.

Monestasi · 07/09/2019 21:02

3 pages in and bored with thread due to 'pushing it' phrase.

People really need to expand their vocabulary as well as their minds.

Cleopatrai · 07/09/2019 21:25

@Ginger1982
It definitely will vary not just on where you live but also the mums you decide to surround yourself with.

But most women aren’t having kids at 40 +. Most women aren’t evening having their first child at 35z

Itsjustmee · 07/09/2019 21:58

I had my son at 21. I had no burning desire to have any more so didn’t
So for me personally 40 would be to old and 45 would be terrifying but this is my opinion
I couldn’t not even think of having a tiny baby at my age i would rather poke my eyes out with a hot stick😂

My parents were in there 40s when they had me and mid forties for my sister and we both absolutely hated it . All our friends parents were much younger and it was horrible having old fashioned parents. Although I love them dearly and wouldn’t change them .

My EX is 53 and has a 18 month old baby
He has literally aged overnight he looks really old
And he was an incredibly good looking bloke but he just looks permanently knackered

TheVanguardSix · 07/09/2019 22:04

44-46 if the DH is the same age or younger.

BooseysMom · 07/09/2019 22:09

@KittenMittens1... Congratulations on your pregnancy Flowers

Ginger1982 · 07/09/2019 22:14

@Cleopatrai

'Most women aren’t evening having their first child at 35z'

Maybe not 'most' but I think a pretty high number are.

FairyDust92 · 07/09/2019 22:46

I'm not sure to be honest. If I knew someone at 45 who said they were pregnant I wouldn't say they were too old. I think a lot of people are waiting longer now. I don't think anyone has the right to tell someone their too old for a baby. Of course I understand about the higher risks but that said there are a lot of risks with pregnancies anyway. Someone who is 20 could have a very high risk pregnancy. As long as the baby has a loving happy home I don't think anyone has the right to judge x

LatteLove · 07/09/2019 22:57

I think being 40 and having a 5 year old is okayish, but 50 with a 15 year old less okay (personally!!)

For a start, being 40 with a 5 year old is not just “okay-ish”. Having babies at 35 is extremely normal. I had one at 35 and was in no way considered an older mother.

Secondly, due to that thing called time if you are 40 with a 5 year old you wlll be 50 with a 15 year old. Not really sure how one can be “okay-ish” and one not?

Although, thankfully your opinion counts for jack shit Smile

CTRL · 07/09/2019 23:12

@lattelove

Calm down....

You don’t have to be rude! People are giving their own opinions...what did you expect on here ?? Confused

I wish people would learn ways to give thier opinion without devaluing others...

So classy Hmm

LatteLove · 07/09/2019 23:17

I wasn’t rude or devaluing anyone. Saying a 40 year old with a 5 year old is OK but a 50 year old with a 15 year old isn’t is idiotic because....IT’S THE SAME PERSON Hmm

LatteLove · 07/09/2019 23:18

And opinions are not OK IMO if they’re founded on ageism and otherwise utterly baseless

Sue2019 · 07/09/2019 23:21

Any age between 20-40 is a lovely time to start a family. Perhaps under or over in particular circumstances but not as an ideal, perhaps.

LatteLove · 07/09/2019 23:22

And to who asked if I wished I’d had my kids younger no, I wouldn’t like to be my age and have grown up kids (as my mum had by my age). She seemed much older at my age now than I do. I think having young kids has kept my outlook quite young.!

zsazsajuju · 07/09/2019 23:26

It’s a bit nuts to think 35 is too old to have a baby. I doubt there’s anyone in my youngest class who has a mother younger than that. A couple of them were 10 years older.

CTRL · 07/09/2019 23:30

@lattelove

It was rude - I’m not sure why the last line ‘your opinion counts for jack shit’ had to be thrown in Confused very rude.

And this is mumsnet hunni. People are going to give thier OWN opinions. Deal with it.

Nobody is making generalisations about older parents; they are giving their own opinion to the original question. It’s an open question so there is no right or wrong. Hence why it’s open to opinions.

You obviously chose to have children older - fine and kudos to you. But don’t try and belittle others because they don’t share the same view.

That’s your opinion and obviously yor way doesn’t suit everyone.

CTRL · 07/09/2019 23:35

Like I said; find a way to deliver your opinion with class and decorum and be open minded as this is a FORUM and the question is up for debate so regardless how you feel; don’t belittle others.

I find the rudest posts here seem to be from Mother’s who have chosen to have children later in life and don’t like reading about how it affects the child (something they possibly didn’t think about)

Well think about it. And deliver your opinion with maturity and respect

MoonageDaydreamz · 07/09/2019 23:36

It's difficult to say, people have such varying levels of health and energy by the time they're even 35 plus.

I've got friends in late 30s who still have the energy they did 15 years ago, they exercise, work hard go out, play sport etc, but then I've got others where they've got back problems / knee problems who just don't seem very fit or healthy.

So by the time you're 45 some will be physically slowing down a lot where as others might have more energy than their counterparts 10-15 years younger.

Whilst I don't agree with the 74 year old in India who's just given birth as I just think it's selfish for a child to likely become their parents carers and be almost certain to see them die whilst a child, I think people conceiving in their 40s is different as the odds are they'll still be alive and healthy by the time the child reaches adulthood.

Cleopatrai · 07/09/2019 23:41

@LatteLove
I keep saying this but overall it isn’t “normal”. 35 is a geriatric pregnancy. It doesn’t devalue ur choice at all but it would place you as an older mom. There are prod & cons of having a child older vs younger that is all.

fbradf01 · 07/09/2019 23:49

I started trying for a baby at 32 I'm now 38 and after many miscarriages am still not a mother. My initial view would have been not after 40 but my landscape has now changed to 'if only I can have one' so quite frankly fuck what everyone else thinks, no one is in charge of your life except you and if they don't like it . . . Fuck em. Good luck x

LatteLove · 08/09/2019 00:46

35 is a geriatric pregnancy

No, it isn’t. My friend was 38 when she had her baby and was classed as an older mother (offered extra testing etc) but at 35 I wasn’t.

LatteLove · 08/09/2019 00:49

You obviously chose to have children older

Except I didn’t Confused I had mine at 32 and 35. When I went to see the midwife when I was pregnant with the eldest she looked at my DoB and said “oh you’re a young one!” I don’t think I was particularly young but given that this was what a MW said to me I wasn’t an older mother just because you and a few posters on here say it Hmm

HerRoyalNotness · 08/09/2019 00:52

I had my first at 34 and was put in the class of older mother by the GP. Last at 44.. Tbh I feel sad that my last won’t have me in their life as long as the others and I just hope I make it into my 80s so I can be around for them all.