To ask when you think it’s too old to have your first baby

[Stripyseagulls]

My good friend is desperate for her first baby & has had loads of treatment but it’s not working. I really feel for her a lot & she’s not ready to even start to think about not trying & is hoping to use donor eggs. She’s nearly 45 though.

I would never say this to her and I am trying to be positive but when is it too old? I almost feel like it’s a topic that can’t be discussed generally as it comes across as ageist. For me, the thought of having a 10 year old at 55 isn’t great to be honest - still having to be at primary school etc.

Aibu to ask what age you think is too old? Should I even ask the question?

@user1493759849 Your post will be disliked by many though I fully agree with you.
It is always good to see a couple have their first even if they are mid 40's, I dont think it is great for the DC.
My DS can do 18 hour full on days at times.

I’m pretty sure your odds of conceiving with donor eggs is the same as the donors?

I had my last at 40 but I would have had another until 45. I don’t think there’s any right or wrong age. Biology decides when your to old to use your own eggs. But say you have PCOS you might want to overcome nature with ivf. If you met Mr right later in life or had been trying for many years then why not use donor eggs.

However if you just put off kids for work and started trying at 45 I’m not so sure that’s a great idea.

raspberryk what do you mean you don’t beleive in ivf? Like unicorns and the tooth fairy? Do you think it’s just something someone made up and hundreds of thousands of people who have used it are backing them up?

I think it depends on the person some people in their 30's struggle with health issues and have young kids I think as long as you are fit and well I can't see why u can't have them I mean some people live to be in their hundreds.
My gran and grandad were very active until their late 80's although my mil is mid 60's and struggles with health issues
Not that I'm saying people should have kids into their 80's lol but i don't see a problem with 50's personally I am trying to have another kid and I'm 38 I will stop trying when I'm 40 but that just me

When the menopause draws a line for you - l had mine at 36 and 39, no problems concieving or relating. We go to gigs together!
Lots of ageist nonsense flying about on here ...

About 44

After that age you would be better off accepting it. I realise that sounds unsumpathetic and im not unsympathetic to women trying for a baby inbtheir forties. But nature is not rolling the dice in their favour and there does come a point where acceptance and exploring other paths to fulfillment would be more fruitful.

Also on a really practical level, if you get pregnant at 44 then by 50 your child is at school and you can feel past the tiny tot stage. It would be insane to be changing nappies at almost 50.

@raspberryk presumably you've been fortunate enough to conceive young and naturally then. Good for you.

40 +. Someone asked me the other day if I was pregnant - I'm 47 and was horrified. I already have a 16 and 14 year old. Another baby is not for me.

raspberry so you don't think that people who aren't able to conceive naturally should have a chance at having children?

Once you are in the menopause is too old.

DP’s parents were older when they had kids. DP was born when her mum was 41 I think and her DB when she was 45. Their dad was a fair bit older. I know DP felt different to her friends because her parents were older, didn’t have so much energy etc. There were other issues in the family but I think for DP and her DB having older parents made a big difference, and not for the better.

Having said that her dad was abusive, and I never met her mum as she’s been dead for years but as far as I can gather she was utterly beaten down and in poor health, so other people’s experience may well be different to that of my DP.

People shouldn't change nappies at 50 lol

Why? 50 is not old !
What about grandparents are they not capable ?

would be insane to be changing nappies at almost 50

Why?

Yep my mum was changing nappies at 51 - Ds's!

My sil had her child at 42 whereas I had mine at 26. It’s easy to see that my child has had a more active life, however my sil has more money as she had so much time pre child to establish her career fulltime

Just out of intrest - any post 35 mums on here who wish they'd had kids earlier? ( Not peeps who had trouble concieving, obviously ... )
Personally l'm really glad l waited! I'd have massively resented the loss of my career and social life if l'd had kids in my 20's - l didn't even want to have them ever until 35 or so ...

usedtobefeckless. No I don't wish that I had my DS any earlier (nearly 42). I had a great life in my 20s and 30s - traveled the world, developed a good career, great social life. When I did get married and have a child, we were very financially secure, and can afford now to be flexible with our work time and provide well for DS. My only slight regret is that we weren't able to conceive a second child. I'm 49 now with a 7 year old and I am just as fit and active as the other school mums. Currently training for a half marathon with another mum friend who is 32!!!

Itsfineactually
Was this because u are just naturally a more active person than your sil? I'm in-between at 38 but my sister who is 46 is way more active than me and I'm pretty active ! It all depends on the person

@usedtobefeckless
I started trying at 35 and yes I'm glad I waited. I'm alot fitter healthier and my head is screwed on now lol

@UsedtobeFeckless

Nope, I don't wish I'd had ds any earlier. I thoroughly enjoyed and sometimes miss my childless 20s and 30s.

I don’t know really, at 45 I will have a 26 year old, a 24 year old and a 16 year old. Can’t imagine having a baby then. But all families are different.

@UsedtobeFeckless - I only met DH after 35 (he's a few years younger though) and obviously we wanted to get to know each other before deciding to have a baby. I could have settled and had a baby with various men I'd dated, but they weren't suitable so we would have split up and that would be hard for a DC. I'm happy knowing DS has a fantastic father and being older we have more choices because house, money and career are fine. If it had happened any differently then obviously my DS wouldn't exist at all.

I had mine fairly young so I’m now 35 and can’t imagine having a baby at this age.

Obviously I’d feel differently if I didn’t have any yet though.

Had mine in my 20's Wouldn't change a thing. Can't imagine having a baby in my middle age!

I'm 44 and feel like I could handle having another baby now, I am actually fitter and healthier now than I was in my 30s but that may be because my kids are older now (12 and 10) so I have a lot more time to take care of myself. I wouldn't actually have a baby now because I am happy with the 2 I have but I certainly would be open to it if my circumstances were different.

If most women felt having children in their 50’s was better as opposed to 20’s / 30’s then that would be the normal thing.

Noone objected to you saying women shouldn't have children in their 50s - because you didn't say that.

We objects to you saying a 52 year old mother (who had her child quite a few years before) was too decrepit to run a little race at sports day and presenting that as typical for 52 yr old women.

It isn't typical for 52 yr old women

Weather you agree

Weather. Says it all really.