To ask when you think it’s too old to have your first baby

[Stripyseagulls]

My good friend is desperate for her first baby & has had loads of treatment but it’s not working. I really feel for her a lot & she’s not ready to even start to think about not trying & is hoping to use donor eggs. She’s nearly 45 though.

I would never say this to her and I am trying to be positive but when is it too old? I almost feel like it’s a topic that can’t be discussed generally as it comes across as ageist. For me, the thought of having a 10 year old at 55 isn’t great to be honest - still having to be at primary school etc.

Aibu to ask what age you think is too old? Should I even ask the question?

I think 45 ish.

I had ds3 at 42 and had no problem keeping up with him having always been healthy and active. Unfortunately I have developed an autoimmune disorder so I’m not as fit as i once was but I still feel that the benefit of having older parents outweighs the disadvantages.

*objected

@EmeraldShamrock

Your post will be disliked by many. But I agree.

My DS can do 18 hours in one day full on sometimes

@Roozy123

It won't be liked her but what you have said is the truth.

Thank you both.

I appreciate those comments.

Re what Emerald said... Kids (as much as we love 'em,) ARE a handful sometimes. Even when they are 'good and well behaved' (IYSWIM) they are still hard work sometimes. Demanding and energy-draining. Not always, but sometimes yep!

And they can be energy-draining, attention-seeking little feckers for a number of weeks in a row; several months even, (wanting attention 12 to 16 hours a day,) and it can wear you out. Children are wonderful, and we love them, and have great times with them, and many of us would not change a thing, but let's not pretend raising children ain't hard work sometimes.

Doing this up to your late 30s (looking after infant/junior age kids) is OK however, as you have lots of energy, and are fairly young and usually quite fit. I cannot even IMAGINE having babies/toddlers in my late 40s, and '4 to 8 year olds' at the age of 52 to 57-ish.

In the majority of cases, once you hit 42-43-ish, you do start to slow down physically, and no WAY do you have the same energy you had in your 30s (and younger...)

And just coz someone is 'pretty active' at 46, (as a pp said about their sister,) or they 'feel fitter than they were in their 30s.' that does not mean they can cope with the demands of babies and small children, (which can sometimes be relentless and exhausting.) Imagine looking after one or two small kids (like under 7,) when you are going through the menopause??? Nope! Not for me. No way.

Also, as I said, it's massively unfair on the child to have much older parents. As a pp said, (whose parents had her when they were in their mid to late 40s,) there were no real advantages but plenty of disadvantages.

These people really need to think of the child, and stop putting their own needs, wants, and desires first!

I am 55 with a 12 year old. She is my youngest, but my eldest is only 14.
I wouldn’t have chosen to have dc so late, but it was preferable to no children at all. All the luck to your friend.

@user1493759849
👏
Yes ! I agree totally

I think - premenopause - it's up to the individual woman to decide if/when she has a child. There's no universal right time. Just when or if it's right for you.

I think 40 is too old personally. Im 35 and have completed my family (have 5 kids) I'll still be young when my youngest is 20. I could imagine starting a family now and like I said I'm mid 30s.

raspberryk what do you mean you don’t beleive in ivf? Like unicorns and the tooth fairy?

I think she means people shouldn't be allowed to have it. This thread sure is bringing out the "interesting" posters.

I'm fortunate and didn't have to have IVF - but the idea that people with fertility issues shouldn't have any help available to have a child .... Wtf

Just because you can't imagine a doing a thing doesn't mean everyone else should rule it out as well.

Good on the women that did have later pregnancies because I'll be 33 when I give birth to my 3rd child and I'm knackered 😂

Not everyone is lucky enough to meet someone and start a family in their late twenties or early thirties. I got pregnant stupidly easily in my forties, I was lucky. Of course it can be less than ideal, i will get less time with my children than someone who had a baby at 25. That upsets me to even think about. I am no doubt more tired than I was as a young woman, but I am also much more sensible and experienced now.
I would have happily had babies younger. It is rather cruel to be so judgey when not everyone has that chance. Should I have used contraception to avoid being an older mother ? Even though I wanted children ? Women have always had babies in their forties, until pretty recently there was no way to avoid it. I been doing my family tree, and all my great grandparents had a mother still having babies in her mid forties. Just not first babies.

Where I'm from (border between NI and ROI) it was, until relatively recently, very normal for women to have children until menopause (due to religious influence around contraception) ... Many many women had children until about 43 and s portion went on naturally beyond that (til about 47).

That is mother nature, that is natural.

For the poster who said something to the effect of women never having children past 42; that's the situation when the vast majority of women do not try to, they use contraception to prevent it. Have a look on the pregnancy choices board and see the 40 something women on there unexpectedly pregnant - because they thought they were "past it".

In (sort of) opposition to this, I would add however that the younger siblings in those families usually had the benefit of older siblings who acted as semi parents to a greater or lesser extent, may have supported the real parents and stepped in (if something really disastrous happened).

Of course most of the time it didn't, bug it is something to consider in the natural circumstances of having children til menopause/peri menopause.

*but

@sirvixofvixhall

Don't think you will get less time hopefully u live a long and healthy life some people are cut off too short. I bet you are a great mum and as long as you can keep up with your child then there's no problems

Some young mothers/father's have no time for their offspring

Someone said it's a shame for kids to have older parents ? Why?

It depends on the parents ! If they are fit and healthy and want to have children good on them

Parents of all ages can be great but they can also be awful age should not matter unless they are unable to look after a child

I also have seen alot of 20/30 year old mums who look a lot fucking older than me and some 40odd that look amazing so why kids would pick up on other kids parents being older doesn't even come into it

"so why kids would pick up on other kids parents being older doesn't even come into it"

It does because unfortunatly some kids can be cruel and will use any reason to bully or make nasty comments.
I remember when I was in school (1000 years ago) and one of my class mates had older parents and he was bullied because of it. Which is weird looking back because it's not like they particularly looked "old".

But anyway, kids can be horrible.

As always on these threads lots of posters who had younger or were younger parents saying 'what about the children' and clutching their pearls. Most ACTUAL 40s parents and children of parents in their 40s saying 'I had a very happy childhood', 'I don't feel too old'.

@roozy123

Kids can be cruel but if it wasn't the older parents it would be something else they probably just took a dislike to them

Kids pick on kids for being poor or disabled or fat or skinny or ginger etc etc

That a stupid reason
If they want to pick on someone they will unfortunately

will use any reason to bully or make nasty comments

Exactly.

If it isn't that, it'll be something else - I had young looking parents so it was my size/height etc.

So why consider it in a decision when they'll just bully about something else.

My parents were mid 40s when they had me. No one ever picked on me. I didn't feel weird. No one ever mentioned my parents age. I just had my youngest at 43.

I think it’s up to the individual woman to decide what’s right for her and her future child. If I had a choice between having a baby at 35 or 45, yes I’d choose 35, but if it was a choice between having a baby at 45 or not having a baby at all, damn right I’d have a baby at 45!

The idea that it’s not fair on the kids because they might get picked on is nonsense. By that logic, nobody who’s a little bit different should have kids- people who are fat, disabled, gay, goth, ginger, ethnic minority etc. Kids will pick on anything, we should be teaching them to be more accepting not basing our life decisions on it.

I had mine in my mid to late 30s.

I can't imagine having had kids in my 20s. I was. Too young. Still having fun. Still establishing my career. Still single.

Doesn't mean I don't think people should have kids in their twenties though. Different people have different priorities.

I thought long and hard about another in my early 40s and decided against it for financial reasons.

In my 40s though I find myself still with energy and the ability to change nappies. It's amazing how us middle aged / elderly folks can manage.

Each to their own.

Do what's right for you.

There some ghastly ageist garbage on this thread.

@Jesse70

*@roozy123

Kids can be cruel but if it wasn't the older parents it would be something else they probably just took a dislike to them

Kids pick on kids for being poor or disabled or fat or skinny or ginger etc etc

That a stupid reason
If they want to pick on someone they will unfortunately*

Erm, I'm aware?
My point was to another pp that kids do bully for older parents.. So it does come into it.

That's not my "stupid reason " as you put it for older people not to have kids.

I don't care when someone has a child.... as my 1st comment states each to their own.
I also agree with things other pps have pointed out. So 🤨

user1234 or whatever. I think you have no idea what you are talking about. At 49 I am fitter and more healthy than I ever was in my 20s and 30s - back then I smoked, drank, did not exercise and burnt the candle at both ends. I have no trouble keeping up with my 7 year old thank you very much and I feel fitter and healthier than I ever did.

It’s easy to see that my child has had a more active life

I doubt this is due to your SIL's age - it's unusual to run out of energy in your 40s unless there's a medical problem.