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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think we should split things 50/50

196 replies

coolestmum · 04/09/2019 16:29

I have been in a relationship now for some time and we are thinking of moving in together. Because I have children we are going to have to rent/buy a bigger house than we would if no children were involved. (He has no children, so currently has a small affordable home).
I was assuming that as we were basically becoming partners that we would just split things 50/50 in terms of rent/mortgage, bills, food and then spend out on things that come up as and when. He has alot of hobbies which cost money, for example, I have none.
But he is giving the impression that because of the children, he is not expecting to pay 50%, but less than that as they are not his children. I do totally get this, and do not want him to be burdoned with paying for them, but on the other hand he wants to live with me and I happen to come with dependant children.
The other issue is I receive money off my council tax, some housing benefit and tax credits because my wage is not very high. He earns around 3 times what I do. This benefit and tax credits keeps us afloat and when we live together I will lose that as his income will be taken into account, quite rightly.
I think this means that although he'll be contributing towards our family, by living together if he is not going into this 50/50 i'll be way worse off as I'll be losing the current help I have which is essential for us to pay bills. I am currently undergoing training through work which means that in a couple of years I will earn significantly more, but that is a couple of years away and I can't count on it until it actually happens, if you see what I mean.
Does anyone have any suggestions as to what I can do, or has been in this situation and what worked for them? Or what is actually fair in this type of scenario?
I don't want him to be financially responsible for my children, but on the other hand by becoming a family and living together I feel he should contribute accordingly instead of continuing to think he can fund his life like a single person would. Their father pays nothing at all.

OP posts:
Abracad · 04/09/2019 16:30

I would not continue in a relationship on that basis.

WhatsMyPassword · 04/09/2019 16:31

Will you be putting your child maint into the melting pot too?

Countrylifeornot · 04/09/2019 16:31

Stay as you are, living apart. It's desperately unfair for your dc to have a worse standard of living just to enable this cohabitation. He's told you he doesn't want to be financially responsible for your children, which IMO is fine, you need to listen to what he's saying.

Whenaretheholidaysover · 04/09/2019 16:32

Have you told him about the tax credits/council tax situation and how much worse off you will be? Until I became a single parent, I didn’t know anything about benefits.

If I were you based on what you say, I would wait a couple of years especially as your income will be higher then.

WhatsMyPassword · 04/09/2019 16:32

Withdraw my comment above , didnt see your last line.

Why doesnt their father pay child support? Do they see him?

Original poster
coolestmum · 04/09/2019 16:32

I don't get any child maintenance WhatsMyPassword.
I currently get my wages and Tax credits. The tax credits will cease once we live together so then its just my wages.

OP posts:
chesterdraws1 · 04/09/2019 16:34

Wow don't do it. Run. And have a quick look at the step-parenting board.

Windydaysuponus · 04/09/2019 16:34

He doesn't see you as a partner op. And he certainly isn't committed to the dc enough to make any financial sacrifices is he?
Rethink moving in op.
I was married to a man who wasn't dc's df and he became financially abusive and I filed for divorce....
He resented supporting the dc.
It didn't end pleasantly at all.

Original poster
coolestmum · 04/09/2019 16:35

They see their father, not regularly though. Its sporadic. But he doesn't pay anything for them. I've given up asking or trying.

OP posts:
MountPheasant · 04/09/2019 16:36

He’s within his right to not want to support your children. However, you should not be worse off financially because of this right- and your children especially shouldn’t.

Make it clear to him that you cannot afford to live together if it is a 50/50 split. It might be that he changes his mind, or it might be that you don’t end up living together. Either way at least you’ve been clear.

LaurieFairyCake · 04/09/2019 16:37

Why would you move in with someone and have LESS money Confused

Makes no sense. He is not worth it.

PlinkPlink · 04/09/2019 16:39

Don't move in together.

It doesn't make any financial sense for you.

Upsiedasie · 04/09/2019 16:39

I don’t think he is unreasonable to not want to pay for your children.

Equally though, you would not be unreasonable to tell him that you will lose x amount of money through moving in with him, so if he can’t agree to an amount that’s proportionate to your incomes then you can’t move in together. You need to think of your children. It may be best not to move in together until you have completed your training and are in a stronger financial position.

WhatsMyPassword · 04/09/2019 16:41

I dont think he should be paying for your children when their own father doesnt contribute. It would be different if it all went in the melting pot, but it doesnt.

This is also probibitively wrong, that , people are penalised financially for having a relationship.

Original poster
coolestmum · 04/09/2019 16:41

Yes, I think you are right MountPheasant, I need to make it clear what my situation is and what I'd be expecting from him and see what happens. I do really love him and he does love me but the children will always come first.
I don't want to end up in a situation where he resents paying for stuff relating to the children, or I resent him for not paying enough or spending desperately needed money on fun stuff for him (which I know he has every right to do so. Its just a tricky situation.
For what its worth the kids all adore him and he is great with them.

OP posts:
Breathlessness · 04/09/2019 16:43

‘Why would you move in with someone and have LESS money’

This.

Troels · 04/09/2019 16:43

Don't do it. You will lose a lot of money and he doesn't care. He wants to live for cheap and have you pay the rest. He's a knob.

Merryoldgoat · 04/09/2019 16:43

He's entitled no not want to help you support your children, but for me, that's not a relationship I'd want to be in.

In your position I wouldn't be moving in with anyone whilst I had dependent children (but that's my issue and based on childhood experiences). For me to even consider it I'd need proper security and to be better off. Otherwise what's the point?

If I got involved with someone who had children I would expect to treat them like a full family member and split out all costs relating to them.

My children and I come as a package - we aren't choose 1 of 3.

RhymesWithOrange · 04/09/2019 16:47

Don't do it.

Settlersofcatan · 04/09/2019 16:47

‘Why would you move in with someone and have LESS money’

A question the man here might be asking!

I think you're best off waiting until your training is complete and thinking about this again in a couple of years.

AryaStarkWolf · 04/09/2019 16:48

Yeah agree with most, you'd be unfair to your children and yourself to make the move and lose out. You need to be able to support your children and not have to end up begging for scraps of him if you fall short. Don't give away your ability to take care of your kids

HugoSpritz · 04/09/2019 16:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

timshelthechoice · 04/09/2019 16:49

Don't move in together. If he does and your kids go to uni, they're loan amounts will be based on your 'household' income, which will include his earnings.

It doesn't make sense to have a live-in relationship at the moment.

A88ie1 · 04/09/2019 16:49

I think you should live separately. I don't see it working otherwise tbh

IncrediblySadToo · 04/09/2019 16:51

This is also probibitively wrong, that , people are penalised financially for having a relationship.

Don’t be daft. That’s an arse about face way of looking at things! Benefits are to help people that NEED it, they’re not a right. People ‘living as a family’ who do not NEED help, shouldn’t get money, it rightly goes tinthuse who NEED it.