AIBU to think we should split things 50/50

[coolestmum]

I have been in a relationship now for some time and we are thinking of moving in together. Because I have children we are going to have to rent/buy a bigger house than we would if no children were involved. (He has no children, so currently has a small affordable home).
I was assuming that as we were basically becoming partners that we would just split things 50/50 in terms of rent/mortgage, bills, food and then spend out on things that come up as and when. He has alot of hobbies which cost money, for example, I have none.
But he is giving the impression that because of the children, he is not expecting to pay 50%, but less than that as they are not his children. I do totally get this, and do not want him to be burdoned with paying for them, but on the other hand he wants to live with me and I happen to come with dependant children.
The other issue is I receive money off my council tax, some housing benefit and tax credits because my wage is not very high. He earns around 3 times what I do. This benefit and tax credits keeps us afloat and when we live together I will lose that as his income will be taken into account, quite rightly.
I think this means that although he'll be contributing towards our family, by living together if he is not going into this 50/50 i'll be way worse off as I'll be losing the current help I have which is essential for us to pay bills. I am currently undergoing training through work which means that in a couple of years I will earn significantly more, but that is a couple of years away and I can't count on it until it actually happens, if you see what I mean.
Does anyone have any suggestions as to what I can do, or has been in this situation and what worked for them? Or what is actually fair in this type of scenario?
I don't want him to be financially responsible for my children, but on the other hand by becoming a family and living together I feel he should contribute accordingly instead of continuing to think he can fund his life like a single person would. Their father pays nothing at all.

I wouldn't carry on with someone like this.

I have 2 dc and my partner moved in, IMO he accepts me and the dc or nothing at all. We split everything 50:50. As I earn more than him I'm better off now, however I also save from my extra disposable income, for a family holiday for ALL of us each year.

If you both move into a bigger place then his costs will go down considerably won't they? Half of a big house would be less that all of the bills where he currently is.

So he would be much better off if you moved in together, and you would be far worse off. Doesn't stack up does it?

I'm also slightly concerned that he doesn't appear to be interested in sharing any responsibility for your dc at all. You are moving in together, so presumably have the same level of commitment as if you were to marry, in which case he would be their step-father.

I'd err on the side of caution and not move in with him for now.

You do need a very explicit conversation but what do you think he is objecting to paying?

If his objection is 50% rent or utilities then I think you have an issue as it feels mean spirited of him to factor in water/electricity use for children. It it's dc hobbies then I may have more empathy as you should be getting child benefit to assist and I assume that's why you don't spend on yourself as it goes to them.

Could you give examples i.e he rents 1 bed for £800 and you would need a 3 bed for £1500. If he pays 50% he is still better off but you are worse off due to lower income.

I would be very cautious as despite him being lovely the real test of character is when things aren't going well for him, as in he might have to give up £100-200 a month to be a family. He is entitled to not want to pay for your children but is that what you need longterm? He will never be a partner, just mums boyfriend.

Why should he move in and have less money? Why?

Well, as OP explained very clearly, their specific situation means that if they do move in together one of them is definitely going to have less money. So if not him then her.

Which is why most of the advice has been not to rush into it, talk it through and probably not move in tgether!

I think I wouldn’t be with someone who wouldn’t pay 50/50. My DP does pay 50/50, but we call them ‘our’ DC. (They’re not DPs). As a consequence DP pays more towards the DC than ExH 🤷🏻‍♀️

Works for us.

Back yourself OP, rate yourself more.

I think you DO need to explain to him the situation re what you would lose financially and so therefore he should pay 50/50 on things like utilities etc . However he should not be expected to pay 50/50 on things like clothes, food and things that relate particularly to your children .In fact he will be gaining somewhat by paying 1/2 of the council charge and utilities as will you to a certain extent .

You seem to have a very lackadaisical attitude to your ex and the maintenance for his children . You must pursue that - he is being FAR MORE MISERLY than your current partner.

The other issue is I receive money off my council tax, some housing benefit and tax credits because my wage is not very high. He earns around 3 times what I do. This benefit and tax credits keeps us afloat and when we live together I will lose that as his income will be taken into account, quite rightly.

Does he know that you’re going to lose these benefits?

What does he say?

Does he think his wuvvy wuv is enough to make up for it?

She doesn't need to explain or 'chat' or have a fucking talk. He knows already. He doesn't agree. He has a point, he shouldn't have to support her kids. So they don't need to live together.

So where he lives now, he pays full rent, utilities etc.

He will get to move to a bigger place and because there are 3 of you, he will pay 1/4 and you will pay 3/4?

Is that what he is proposing?

He gets to live in a bigger house and will be better off than he currently is?

Sounds like he doesn't want to be a stepdad, he wants to share your home, but not your bills.

He sounds greedy and a bit mean to be honest. What about holidays and all that?

Nah. fuck that off. Stay as you are.

If __ it had been me who you wre moving in with OP then I would be looking at how I could support you and your children and would be OK with spending less on my boys toys hobby items!.

Thats what a real man you does love you would be doing!

I don't think this is going to work out sad to say:(

You need to sit down and have this conversation BEFORE a move. Not just expectations, but hard numbers. Will you be worse off? Will he be better off? You need a budget with expected costs and how you'll split them, because if you are on a tighter budget while he is off spending his excess on hobbies, there will be resentment building. Set the budget for now, with your current income, and then go over the numbers for when your income is anticipated to rise. Get these numbers together in a notebook that you can keep, and refer to if and when disagreements arise.

I don’t think you should necessarily not move in. He might not understand all of the details and ramifications. Explain your situation, with tax credits etc. He should pay for whatever you will require to be in the same financial situation as you currently are.

Ie he doesn’t have to pay for your children etc, but he should make up for the losses you would be hit by, moving in with him. Especially if his salary is so much higher than yours.

He might not have realised the implications. Maybe he will be understanding and sort it out. Or he might refuse, in which case you don’t move in. Give him the benefit of the doubt, and discuss it in detail before writing it off.

Am I missing something here?
"Because I have children we are going to have to rent/buy a bigger house than we would if no children were involved. (He has no children, so currently has a small affordable home)."
As you have kids they presumably don't sleep in your room so what difference does him moving in make in terms of size of the home? Won't he be sharing your bedroom? Why do you need a bigger place?

" I was assuming that as we were basically becoming partners that we would just split things 50/50 in terms of rent/mortgage, bills, food"

" I do totally get this, and do not want him to be burdoned with paying for them, but on the other hand he wants to live with me and I happen to come with dependant children."
Your statements throughout are contradictory. You are saying you get that he doesn't want to be responsible for paying for your children's upkeep but still want him to. You clearly don't get it at all. Just because your children's father doesn't contribute his share of looking after your children, it doesn't mean any future partner should.

"I don't want him to be financially responsible for my children but on the other hand by becoming a family and living together I feel he should contribute accordingly"
What is accordingly? You clearly do want to be either better off (otherwise why mention he earns 3 times as much as you) or as well off as you are now.

Could you work out what you will lose in terms of the Single Person Council Tax Discount and benefits and see how that compares against your monthly household outgoings in the first instance?

You do only say you "get the impression" he doesn't expect to pay 50/50. You need to talk about this properly when you have calculated what your financial loss would be if he moves in.

@PositiveVibez
He isn’t being mean spirited.
He isn’t greedy.

No one would expect a woman to financially support her new partners children but some how when it’s a man it’s acceptable.

Being a step-father doesn’t mean financially supporting children that aren’t yours. Why should he be out of money ? Why should she be out of money? It goes both ways.

The real problem is that she doesn’t earn enough without the tax credits etc and that her Ex financially support their children.

He shouldn’t be financially supporting her children, her ex should be.

Perhaps you should wait until you finish your training before you move in together? I’ve been in your situation exactly! I really needed my tax credits and lost them, but couldn’t expect him to cough up for my children. I was in very dire straits until I finally got a pay rise, and life was extremely hard for a couple of years. I’m sorry to say I resented it and felt so badly for the kids because they missed out just so I could live with my partner. There’s a tiny bit of me that is still pissed off, regretful and resentful about it, ten years later.

I wouldn’t be moving in with him, just leave it as it is

You need to talk through worse case scenarios too.

For example, what would happen if you couldn’t work for an extended period, either due to being ill or one of your children being ill? At the moment, you would have the safety net of benefits, but if you are cohabiting, the state will expect your partner to support you financially.

And what would happen in the opposite scenario, how would you pay for the entire household if he were to become too ill to work?

And what if you break up? Presumably he will easily be able to finance a new home, but you will be unable to pay for the bigger on alone?

I don’t know how much he earns but worth bearing in mind that child benefit is limited if one partner earns more than £50,000 (and stops completely at £60,000) so if he earns that and you live together, your CB will also be cut.

I agree with the general consensus of other posts that you should remain in separate households for a better financial outcome for your family. If you shut down a claim for tax credits, you won't be able to reopen it if your circumstances changed in the future (e.g. relationship breakdown). You would have to claim universal credit, and lots of people are worse off on the new system. There are also huge delays in processing applications. While you may want a family situation with this man, think with your head not your heart.

To be honest if he is happy to split finances in that he also pays for his hobbies etc separately, then on principle I don't think he should have to pay, though it sucks that given his financial position he doesn't want to.

Could you suggest that you pay 50/50 until your wage increases, and then put in more?

How many children are we talking about. If it’s only one, then 50-50 would be far, as one child-sized mouth to feed and clothe isn’t a huge cost. However, if you have ten, then it’s unfair expecting him to pay for them.

How long have you been together? What’s his interaction with the children like? Does he consider them to be ‘your’ children, or has he tried to develop a step-father/uncle role. If you live together, is he planning a-hands-on approach or is he expecting you to do all the childcare?

Also, have you discussed household chores? His he ass7ming you will take on all the cooking, cleaning etc.

I think there’s lot to discuss, not just finances, before moving in together.

I would stay living separately or end it.

You're not even fully committed: you're not marrying, you're not even engaged, and you have children to consider. You will lose money and struggle more than you already are by moving in with him. And he's more concerned about paying anything towards your children than the fact you will be worse off living with him, even though he makes 3x whta you do and he presumably wants to live with you! Doesn't say great things about him, really...

Won't he end up.paying the bulk of the cost for bringing up 3 children if you pool everything?

If you marry then that's fine but just moving in?

He sounds tight. Do people actually think like this? It sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.

I also agree with others who have pointed out that while you'll be worse off, he'll be better off: bigger house, but paying a fraction, paying a fraction of utilities and council tax etc, oh and a woman in his bed and someone to cook and clean for him all/most/half/some of the time...

No one would expect a woman to financially support her new partners children ummmmmmmm you obviously haven't seen the Step Parenting board