Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think we should split things 50/50

196 replies

coolestmum · 04/09/2019 16:29

I have been in a relationship now for some time and we are thinking of moving in together. Because I have children we are going to have to rent/buy a bigger house than we would if no children were involved. (He has no children, so currently has a small affordable home).
I was assuming that as we were basically becoming partners that we would just split things 50/50 in terms of rent/mortgage, bills, food and then spend out on things that come up as and when. He has alot of hobbies which cost money, for example, I have none.
But he is giving the impression that because of the children, he is not expecting to pay 50%, but less than that as they are not his children. I do totally get this, and do not want him to be burdoned with paying for them, but on the other hand he wants to live with me and I happen to come with dependant children.
The other issue is I receive money off my council tax, some housing benefit and tax credits because my wage is not very high. He earns around 3 times what I do. This benefit and tax credits keeps us afloat and when we live together I will lose that as his income will be taken into account, quite rightly.
I think this means that although he'll be contributing towards our family, by living together if he is not going into this 50/50 i'll be way worse off as I'll be losing the current help I have which is essential for us to pay bills. I am currently undergoing training through work which means that in a couple of years I will earn significantly more, but that is a couple of years away and I can't count on it until it actually happens, if you see what I mean.
Does anyone have any suggestions as to what I can do, or has been in this situation and what worked for them? Or what is actually fair in this type of scenario?
I don't want him to be financially responsible for my children, but on the other hand by becoming a family and living together I feel he should contribute accordingly instead of continuing to think he can fund his life like a single person would. Their father pays nothing at all.

OP posts:
SignedUpJust4This · 04/09/2019 19:18

This situation is on here all the time. Don't do it.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 04/09/2019 19:35

He soumds like a cocklodger

Because he expects the OP to pay her own children rather than him Hmm

If circumstances were reversed, the OP would be told to expect way more than half whist men are just expected to pay over and above. The double standards are rife.

AE18 · 04/09/2019 22:28

I really don’t understand why so many people date people with kids when they aren’t willing to see that the kids come as part of the package!

Most step parents accept that the children come as a package with the parent but that they are the parents responsibility to pay for. Just as it wouldn't be a step mums job to pay maintenance to her partner's ex and her wages are not taken into consideration.

Being married to or in a relationship with a parent doesn't make their children your responsibility in the same way that it would for a parent. In fact, many couples keep all their finances separate, whether their financial obligations include one party having children or not. That said, it would be nice given that he is earning more for him to help support his wife who is struggling. But it isn't his responsibility.

1forAll74 · 04/09/2019 23:51

There may be problems ahead with this kind of situation,and then maybe resentment all round.. Careful thinking is required about everything,before you can make any big decisions.

ReanimatedSGB · 05/09/2019 00:33

He earns 3x what the OP earns. So if he wants to pay 25% of the general household costs because the DC are not the products of his dick, then he is onto a nice little earner, isn't he?

Yes, childless people who begin relationships with single parents may be a bit surprised at just how much DC cost. And it isn't inherently wicked or selfish to decide that while you enjoy dating someone who happens to have DC, you don't want to set up home with them or become a step-parent - as long as you are honest about it (and, equally, a single parent is not wrong for dating and shagging someone who is never going to be a longterm partner/step-parent to the DC).

But, OP, you really need to have a proper factual, practical discussion about how you both see the future. If he was just not aware of how moving in together would impact on you and your DC then maybe you can work it out. If he wants a ready-made family and sex on tap and more disposable income for himself, you need to know before you move in, so you can decide not to, and get rid of him.

OllyBJolly · 05/09/2019 07:16

I hate this "come as a package' nonsense.

I don't expect anyone except me and the DC's other parent to provide for them. I love my DCs too much to compromise their security by relying on a romantic partner to fund their lives. (and very often I suspect it's because the parent partner wants to write the other parent out of "our perfect little family".)

What happens when it falls apart - especially if the pair never marry? No home, greatly reduced income and a battle to get back on benefits.

ElizabethinherGermanGarden · 05/09/2019 07:20

Have you looked at the Lloyds bank website? They are the ones with the ad campaign talking about money.
www.lloydsbank.com/help-guidance/mword/a-life-together.asp
I haven't actually read what it says though...

ElizabethinherGermanGarden · 05/09/2019 07:23

Hmmm. I've read that now. Quality of advice on Mumsnet is just as good!

ShiftHappens · 05/09/2019 07:26

I wouldn't want to pay for someone else's children - it doesn't make him a cocklodger. Nor would I expect someone else to pay for mine.

I think not moving together may be the most sensible approach

Butchyrestingface · 05/09/2019 07:29

@OllyBJolly

What do you suggest the OP does in this situation, giving that moving in with the boyf would reduce her ability to provide for her offspring?

OllyBJolly · 05/09/2019 07:38

What do you suggest the OP does in this situation, giving that moving in with the boyf would reduce her ability to provide for her offspring?

That they have a serious and honest discussion about how finances will be split, and how they will manage any break up in future. I think it's quite reasonable that he pays towards compensating her loss of benefits, but not reasonable that he covers the cost of children.

Alternatively, they just live apart which is probably a better, safer option.

JustTwoMoreSecs · 05/09/2019 07:52

He should make up for the shortfall in benefits, definitely.
However regarding other child related expenses, I don’t think you should expect him to pay, they are yours!

DeeCeeCherry · 05/09/2019 08:31

I don't want to end up in a situation where he resents paying for stuff relating to the children, or I resent him for not paying enough or spending desperately needed money on fun stuff for him (which I know he has every right to do so. Its just a tricky situation

That's exactly how you'll end up if you move in with him. Whether the kids adore him is neither here nor there - put them and their quality of life 1st. I'm pretty sure they adore their mum more than they adore him but sentimentality can't trump reality anyway.

Why can't you live together when the kids are older? You can still be in a relationship. As pp has said his income will be taken into account as part of your household, and when/if your kids go to Uni. Even if he's not supporting them.

He's told you he doesn't want to financially support your kids and you need to hear what he's saying. Their own father not supporting them is a separate issue entirely. Either way you have dependent children and he doesn't see you as a package.

HalloumiGus · 05/09/2019 08:38

You're not ready to move in with this man because you're not having the difficult nitty gritty conversations about day to day reality. Even if he says all the right things I would be very careful about losing your income. Why can't he move in with you first in your small home? You'll be sharing a bedroom. If you can all get along living a little cramped it's a good sign you can make it work.

misspiggy19 · 05/09/2019 08:43

TBH, I think you were unreasonable in assuming he would contribute half the costs. You should have pursued the XH for maintenance before now to ensure your DCs could be housed properly. It's a bit disingenuous to say "we" need a bigger house because of the children, when it is you who needs the bigger house.

^This.

Lowlandlucky · 05/09/2019 08:53

He obviously doesnt give a stuff about your children

NerdyBird · 05/09/2019 10:03

DH has two children, he is also resident parent. We pay household costs proportionately to income as DH earns more than me. He pays for my DSC things like hobbies, uniform, clothes separately but we share costs for holidays, days out etc. We have a dd together too, things for her we mostly share although I probably pay for a bit more as I do more childcare.

This works for us. However, DH didn't get any benefits beyond CB and council tax discount when we moved in together, so even losing the discount didn't make much difference. We discussed finances in detail several times beforehand, and regularly review them.

In your situation I'd have a really detailed discussion with your partner, and set out your expectations. Allow him to do the same and see how far apart they are. If you can't find reasonable compromise, delay moving in until you've done your training and got your increased salary, if by that point you still want to move in. You'd still need an honest conversation about finances then.

ButterflyOne1 · 05/09/2019 10:25

Interesting situation OP. I'm kind of on the fence with this one. I must admit I did think why would a man with no children want to take on three kids. It's a lot to take on.

I think moving forward you'd need to explain what you'll be losing if you live together. I wouldn't expect him to foot the bill for your kids considering their Dad doesn't even pay a penny for them so I can understand his reservations but equally if you'll lose out financially then the money will need to be topped up.

You say about buying a property together, how would that work with the deposit? If you could both add 50/50 deposit then 50/50 mortgage repayment then that's fair but it doesn't sound like you're sitting on a pot of cash to pay this. Renting seems like the only logical solution and again your DP is right with his reasoning for paying for the extra house. You're likely to need a 3/4 bedroom house compared to a 1/2 bedroom house so it will increase costs considerable.

BlueRussiann · 05/09/2019 10:39

I don't think either of you are BU.

He has an affordable house now as it is. If he moves to a bigger place, bills will rise. He doesn't NEED the extra room.

You have a small flat and have said yourself that you NEED a bigger place. Yes you'll lose your benefits but something needs to give if you want a bigger home for your kids.

It isn't just you who might be worse off.

I don't think your partner paying 25% of anything is acceptable but you haven't said that that's what he's suggested. That's MN assuming.

I think 50/50 on the mortgage and utilities would be fair as I'd assume you'd want to own half the house. 60/30 on food shopping and you pay for children's cost so uniforms, trips etc.

Sounds to me though that you'd both be better off just waiting 2 more years until you get a raise.

HasThisSoddingNameGoneToo · 05/09/2019 10:40

Ugh -- please don't move in with him. If he's getting funny about money before you've even found a place, got the keys or unpacked a box, he'll be MUCH WORSE once you're together 24/7.

I lost all my tax credits (which were loads!) when DH2 and I moved in and got married. But he opened a joint account, and pays all his money into it, and never ever ever ever moans about the cost of things. He's more generous with my DC than their own father is.

I also suggested I pay more for things (before we moved in) because of the DC. DH2 wouldn't have it. "We're all in this together," he said, and has never taken that back. We're a family.

Your DP does not see you as a family. He sees you two as a couple, and your DC as... I don't know. Someting very separate.

Your relationship won't suffer if you stay living separately. You'll be independent, self-sufficient, and free to do fun things with him. But don't make yourself vulnerable or broke just for the joys of washing his underpants and listening to him shit in the morning.

TheStuffedPenguin · 05/09/2019 10:43

Still don't understand the need for a bigger house ?

Bibidy · 05/09/2019 10:43

OP I think you should just talk it through properly with him, without expectation on either side.

I would say, each work out what your maximum budget for housing is and then use the combined total to browse some properties - that will give you and idea of the level/size of house you can get with what you're both currently prepared to pay.

If this turns out to be too small, then it's time for the discussion about whether one party could pay a bit more.

Bibidy · 05/09/2019 10:46

Still don't understand the need for a bigger house ?

Why are so many people questioning this?!

It's not just about bedroom space is it, it might be that OP has a really tiny house with enough bedrooms but very small living space. Maybe she's got a small living room with only space for a 3-seater sofa! Bedrooms aren't the only concern when it comes to space at home.

MRex · 05/09/2019 10:47

He doesn't love you or he'd be happy to merge all the finances. Please don't move in with him, it'll be so much hassle for you and upset for your children when you inevitably break up in a year or two.

cacklingmags · 05/09/2019 10:47

This sounds more life a prospective house share than a romantic partnership, let alone marriage. If you live together he is the de-facto step dad whether he likes it or not. If he did not see this as the way forward I would not touch him with a bargepole. If he is counting the pennies before you even move in together he is going to be counting them even more carefully once you are committed. I would not disadvantage your kids financially by moving in with him and I would take a long hard look at Mr. Tight Arse.

Swipe left for the next trending thread