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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think we should split things 50/50

196 replies

coolestmum · 04/09/2019 16:29

I have been in a relationship now for some time and we are thinking of moving in together. Because I have children we are going to have to rent/buy a bigger house than we would if no children were involved. (He has no children, so currently has a small affordable home).
I was assuming that as we were basically becoming partners that we would just split things 50/50 in terms of rent/mortgage, bills, food and then spend out on things that come up as and when. He has alot of hobbies which cost money, for example, I have none.
But he is giving the impression that because of the children, he is not expecting to pay 50%, but less than that as they are not his children. I do totally get this, and do not want him to be burdoned with paying for them, but on the other hand he wants to live with me and I happen to come with dependant children.
The other issue is I receive money off my council tax, some housing benefit and tax credits because my wage is not very high. He earns around 3 times what I do. This benefit and tax credits keeps us afloat and when we live together I will lose that as his income will be taken into account, quite rightly.
I think this means that although he'll be contributing towards our family, by living together if he is not going into this 50/50 i'll be way worse off as I'll be losing the current help I have which is essential for us to pay bills. I am currently undergoing training through work which means that in a couple of years I will earn significantly more, but that is a couple of years away and I can't count on it until it actually happens, if you see what I mean.
Does anyone have any suggestions as to what I can do, or has been in this situation and what worked for them? Or what is actually fair in this type of scenario?
I don't want him to be financially responsible for my children, but on the other hand by becoming a family and living together I feel he should contribute accordingly instead of continuing to think he can fund his life like a single person would. Their father pays nothing at all.

OP posts:
Tootytata · 04/09/2019 18:02

How do you split cost when you go out with your children together for a meal or day out? Does he pay his cost and you pay yours and your children's cost?

How about grocery shopping? How is that going to work? He pays for what he eats and you pay for your children?

If you are all going to live under the same roof, essentially as a family then these day-to-day finances need to be clear before you move in together otherwise uncertainty will just breed resentment in the long term.

Oldraver · 04/09/2019 18:04

So he wants to go from paying 100% for his smaller home, to paying 3/4 or 2/3 of a bigger home ? Will he actually save money ?

Liverbird77 · 04/09/2019 18:08

No way would I move in with this guy.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 04/09/2019 18:08

I would not move in with this man until he fully understood the situation and accepted that you would be losing out massively financially and it’s not something you’re prepared to do.

rosesinmygarden · 04/09/2019 18:10

Not sure how old your children are, but I wouldn't be moving in and becoming a household with someone who wasn't willing to take on joint responsibility for me and my children.

Does he have his own children?

What happens if you have another child with this man? Who pays the bills while you're on maternity leave? Will your own children always be treated differently to any 'joint' children?

What happens if you get ill/lose your job/have an accident and are unable to work? Who takes responsibility for the household and your children then? Especially if his income means you don't qualify for benefits or state support.

category12 · 04/09/2019 18:12

Surely the idea of moving in together is to be a family - not to be you & the dc plus him.

Because he does see the dc as your problem and separate, and doesn't see you as a package and the dc as a plus, you really should not move in together. A step-parent should ideally be glad of sharing their life with the dc, not grudging of them.

That's aside from the point you'll be considerably worse off if you move in together, and he'll be just fine. It's not a true partnership in any sense.

Don't move in together.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 04/09/2019 18:14

Surely the whole point of c0-habiting is to have more disposable income? Or am I missing something?

LellyMcKelly · 04/09/2019 18:17

Your beef isn’t really with him. I can completely see both your perspectives, but he should not be expected to pay for children that aren’t his. You should priorities pursuing your ex through the CSA so that you are better able to support your kids.

RocketRacoonsFurryBalls · 04/09/2019 18:19

Do not move in with him. Sounds like you’re doing great just as you are.

Wait until you’ve had your (hopefully) super-duper pay rise and then reassess the situation. Maybe you’ll have a different/better partner by then.

Perhaps the father of your children has given you low self-esteem and low financial expectations. (He sounds like a bit of a loser.)

If your kids are going to have a man living in the house, they deserve someone who’s going to “take them on”, a bit, surely.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 04/09/2019 18:20

'a woman in his bed'? Urgh. That's disgraceful, INeedAFlerken. OP isn't being coerced into this, she wants to partner up with him. Is that so she 'has a man in her bed'?

My concern would be that there is no commitment; what happens if one of the two dies? OP would leave all to her children - he knows that presumably. It's all very well saying that 'they're a family' but they aren't and, if he doesn't want to 'take them on' then it's very messy.

The children's father should be paying, should be made to pay. Shitty excuse for a human being that he fathers children and doesn't pay for them.

Original poster
coolestmum · 04/09/2019 18:22

To answer a few questions. We are going to get married, but we want to live together first because of dc involved and need to know things will work.
The dc father does not pay maintenance because he is off work long term sick and has no money.
By bigger house, I mean for him. Bigger than he would need if he were on his own or we were just the two of us.
Lots to consider. And I’m pleased to get outsider opinion as it’s easy to get sentiment and emotions get in the way of clear thinking sometimes. Also good point about the cleaning. I’m of an opinion it should be shared as we both work ft.

At the moment he does pay things for the dc on days out and they all get on great. He has treated them to a few things too which I wouldn’t ordinarily have afforded and which were certainly not asked for. There are 3 dc. Teen and preteen.

OP posts:
Onlythelonelywelcome · 04/09/2019 18:22

How long have you been together op?

ReanimatedSGB · 04/09/2019 18:27

I think you will have to have a long and hopefully calm talk with him about how to manage your finances and your future together - the fact that you will lose tax credits, etc if you move in with a partner; your future increased earnings, whether he will lose or gain by moving in with or marrying you...
What you want is an outcome where neither of you is 'losing'. It might be better to hold off on setting up home together until, for instance, you have finished your training and got a better job.
Or, if it becomes clear that he actually fancies a better standard of living at you and your DC's expense, you can bin him and move on.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 04/09/2019 18:28

That's really the crux of it, OP. He's 'treating' your children to certain things. Parents - bio or otherwise, just pay, they don't treat.

You're not at liberty to just have a partner, they need a dad. In your heart of hearts, do you see that happening? I think not, that's why you've posted. In your position, I would keep things as they are and NOT move in together, you don't need that 'niggle'' in your head and trying to keep the peace so that the relationship works out.

Northernsoullover · 04/09/2019 18:31

I've been engaged for 3 years. We don't live together because we would both be worse off. The children like my partner a lot but I also didn't want to upset their world. We can wait. I'd suggest that you do the same.

Bluebell9 · 04/09/2019 18:32

I was in your DPs position when DP and I decided to live together.
I had a 2 bed house but as DP had 2 DC we soon needed to buy a bigger house.
I put in 63% of the deposit, paid 63% of the mortgage and own 63% of the house.
All bills, food, holidays etc. were spilt 50/50.
I still had more disposable income than DP as he pays maintenance to his ex and I earn more. I also buy clothes/ presents for the kids out of my money, but that is my choice. I pay for meals out, tickets to shows etc. I see it that we are a couple and in it for the long haul.

Things have now changed as DP is earning the same as me now and I'm about the have our first child. We now pay 50/50 for everything including the mortgage as I'm about to go on maternity leave and won't have as much money.

I couldn't be with someone who was happy to see me struggle for money while having plenty for themselves.

LooksBetterWithAFilter · 04/09/2019 18:36

I think you need to talk about this properly outlining all you’d lose if he moved in. Before dh and I had moved in together we talked about this and he said that he knew I came with 3 dc and that he was fully prepared to be all in and at times that has meant supporting us all while I went back to uni and a 50/50 split when we earned about the same and currently a majority share in the pot as I earn considerably less.
While yes he isn’t obliged to support your children you aren’t obliged to move in with him and lose the financial support you get in tax credits. The fact that your benefit stops if and when he moves in shows that the expectation is you are living together as a family thus finances should be equally shared as a family.

ittakes2 · 04/09/2019 18:38

My brother'n'law married a single mother - he takes on full financial responsibilty for her son and did so even before they were engaged.

timeisnotaline · 04/09/2019 18:39

I just can’t imagine living with someone and they can afford fun holidays and expensive but I and my dc can’t. If that’s how the relationship is, separate houses.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 04/09/2019 18:40

He earns 3 times more than you, but wants to pay LESS than half? Even without your kids I'd expect him to be paying more into the pot. What kind of partner would want their other half to struggle while they had loads of disposable income and their partner had none? I wouldn't be moving in together. I think even if you do at this stage he will probably pay byt end up resenting it and it sounds like you will both have different standards of living as he will still have a lot more spare cash, and that doesnt sound like a partnership to me

Ravenesque · 04/09/2019 18:41

I can see his perspective, but.

He is dating you and knows you have children and I'm assuming he is at least a small part of their lives, so frankly he is being selfish and not accepting you as the person you are, i.e. a mother with children. You're not expecting him to pay for their hobbies or their uniforms or any of those added extras, but rent and bills should absolutely be 50/50 and if he wants to squabble about groceries, then maybe that can be sorted out. Or not. Plus he earns a lot more than you. To pay 50% he will almost certainly still be better off than he is know paying 100%. He needs to accept your children and not see them as some sort of financial pawn in a game of who pays most. He doesn't have to love them as if they're his own but if he sees them just as extra financial outlay then what sort of person would he be to live with. Your children need to be accepted by him and if he doesn't see them as worth thinking about in any other terms than money then I don't think he's a very good person.

SuperSara · 04/09/2019 18:44

@Bluebell9 presumably your DP's children don't live with you, though.

In that case it's not the same scenario.

ConkerGame · 04/09/2019 19:01

OP, if your DP wants to move in and marry you then presumably he understands that he will become step-father to your children? And that means he will have responsibility for them, along with you and your husband? Has he acknowledged this and said it’s what he wants? If so, I don’t understand why he wouldn’t be willing to share all costs as you are becoming a family. But if not then you certainly shouldn’t move in together or get married until the children have left home and would no longer become his responsibility.

I really don’t understand why so many people date people with kids when they aren’t willing to see that the kids come as part of the package! They are not just add-on ornaments! They are part and parcel of the family!

MovinOnUp · 04/09/2019 19:04

I'm in this situation right now.
BF earns almost six times what I do, So when he moves in I will (quite rightly) lose my universal credit.
We are putting all our income into a joint account from which the bills are paid (including standing orders to our personal accounts for the same amount of spending money each month) and the rest goes into a joint savings account for holidays/Christmas/School uniforms etc.

If that wasn't the case, He wouldn't be moving in.

Beaverdam · 04/09/2019 19:07

I wont not move in with him. In fact i would bin him as he obviously doesnt see your kids as part of the family unit. He soumds like a cocklodger.