AIBU to think we should split things 50/50

[coolestmum]

I have been in a relationship now for some time and we are thinking of moving in together. Because I have children we are going to have to rent/buy a bigger house than we would if no children were involved. (He has no children, so currently has a small affordable home).
I was assuming that as we were basically becoming partners that we would just split things 50/50 in terms of rent/mortgage, bills, food and then spend out on things that come up as and when. He has alot of hobbies which cost money, for example, I have none.
But he is giving the impression that because of the children, he is not expecting to pay 50%, but less than that as they are not his children. I do totally get this, and do not want him to be burdoned with paying for them, but on the other hand he wants to live with me and I happen to come with dependant children.
The other issue is I receive money off my council tax, some housing benefit and tax credits because my wage is not very high. He earns around 3 times what I do. This benefit and tax credits keeps us afloat and when we live together I will lose that as his income will be taken into account, quite rightly.
I think this means that although he'll be contributing towards our family, by living together if he is not going into this 50/50 i'll be way worse off as I'll be losing the current help I have which is essential for us to pay bills. I am currently undergoing training through work which means that in a couple of years I will earn significantly more, but that is a couple of years away and I can't count on it until it actually happens, if you see what I mean.
Does anyone have any suggestions as to what I can do, or has been in this situation and what worked for them? Or what is actually fair in this type of scenario?
I don't want him to be financially responsible for my children, but on the other hand by becoming a family and living together I feel he should contribute accordingly instead of continuing to think he can fund his life like a single person would. Their father pays nothing at all.

Suggesting maybe the two parents of the children actually find their own offspring (both are receipt of benefits) instead of being outraged a man who is nothing to them isn’t prepared to bank roll THREE kids that are in no way his responsibility

^ is not benefit bashing. It’s merely suggesting that perhaps instead of name calling this man, take a look at the children’s parents?

It was not my intention to bash them, it was to point out that it is very difficult to move in with someone who earns more than you when some or a lot of your income is from benefits. OP knows she is going to lose these and her DP perhaps doesn’t understand what this means in reality

Yes and how do you propose the op forces money out of her ex? Since you have all the answers? The op is supporting her children.

And you are absolutely benefit bashing. Don't kid yourself.

Don't do it.

If you're on tax credits don't change your circumstances if at all possible. When you have to move over to universal credit in 2023 or there abouts your current benefit levels will be protected. If you change your circumstances before then and subsequently break up with this man you could end up a lot worse off.

Taking benefits aside, this man does not want to be part of your family. Don't subject your children to him.

Well just because she can’t “force” money out of the man who created the children, doesn’t mean it’s some other fools responsibility to pay for them.

I often find that people who spout off about 'tax payers' money are not net contributors themselves. Eg you're taking more from the system than you're putting in.

As others have said, you need to get to a position where neither of you are worse off. If his rent and bills are going to drop then he should make up for the loss of your benefits. As others have said though, he is not responsible for paying for your kids and this should be taken into account - ie you should still be paying for their clothes and hobbies.

Why did you mention that he has expensive hobbies? If he wants to spend his salary on expensive hobbies, then that is up to him. Do you expect him to give those hobbies up and put that money towards your children?

Interestingly, DPs ex is in a similar situation. DP pays maintenance but she only works 16 hours a week and claims benefits. If her new DP moved in she would lose them all. She told DP that it was unfair that he could move on and live with me but she can’t move on until the DCs are older, due to the loss of benefits if she moves a partner in.

I have claimed tax credits and been in the same situation as OP so actually think I do and can have an opinion on it to be honest!
Increasing your income is really the only option and then you have a lot more to bring to a joint household than you lose

I can't believe how many women actually expect a new partner to fund all their previous kids !

The system is set up for live-in partners to be part of a household income, though, not just for benefits, but even when it comes to determining loan amounts/financial aid for higher education.

It's the attitude exhibited towards shared endeavours that's an issue rather than the money itself. If they're such a "new partner" then they shouldn't be moved in at all! When you have children, they should come first: a parade of new boyfriends moving in and out is unsettling for children. When you have a new partner who you're setting up a life with, then fine, but pick the one who actually sees your children as part of his new family.

It’s not an expectation, it is just realistically the only solution if you are low income with kids and want to move in together. This is not about whether women should be getting benefits - they need them to survive - but whether to give them up to move in with someone who earns more than you, either you don’t, or they have to support you financially to some degree. It is the partners choice they are free to choose to support the family or live apart. It doesn’t work if they won’t support you AND live in the house with you all unless you are prepared to struggle.

Is this not a poverty trap though? Women on low incomes claiming benefits can’t move in with a new partner unless he is financially able to make up for the loss of benefits?

It can be. Or you do it for yourself

By increasing your own income

I have wondered this before. I appreciate single mums on a low income and benefits need them to house and feed the kids but what do they do when the kids grow up and the benefits stop? Our benefits system is not kind to single people with no dependents.

I probably need to start another thread as I’m going a bit off topic.

I don't think either of you are being unreasonable, but you need to have an honest discussion about what you can/can't pay.

My DP moved in and I was adamant that I would pay 2/3 of the rent and bills to cover me and DD. I pay 2/3 of the rent but everything else has worked out 50/50 over time. All of DDs expenses i pay separately. Although maybe the difference is that DP offered and would prefer to be 50/50 (live in London so rent is close to 2k). However I didn't lose money, and am the higher earner. BUT we discussed finances in detail before we moved in together and we both made sure we were happy with it.

I don't want him to be financially responsible for my children, but on the other hand by becoming a family and living together I feel he should contribute accordingly instead of continuing to think he can fund his life like a single person would. Their father pays nothing at all

I don’t think he’s trying to live like a single person, he’s happy to contribute just not pay for children that are not his. Not sure why he’s being berated for that when one parent doesn’t pay and the other only part supports them and they are not even his children!

I’d wait until you are self supporting and then can finance your own shares accordingly. There’s no rush when children are involved and it’s often far better to live separately when there are existing children.

@Mackerz
If you are going it alone you need to plan for that happening. My DD17 is in college now I have 2 years until I no longer get any child benefit or maintenance for her, although also have DD15. I have been studying and working hard and have managed to reach a salary level I will be able support myself on without those elements. Right now obviously I am still financially supporting both children too.

I live in a very high rent part of the UK and qualify for a very small amount of housing benefit. When a child leaves education they will need to pay towards some rent, or we could downsize. I will also lose my 25% single person discount too, but in 2 years I will also have even more experience in my job to look for a better salary.

Last year I did 3 jobs at once for about 4 months, some weeks I did 60/70 hours. This did pay off because I ended up getting a permanent job in the one that paid the best hourly rate. I had to leave the (teenage) DC at home to fend for themselves a lot, which I hate doing but they are good kids. We also haven’t had a holiday in years