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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think we should split things 50/50

196 replies

coolestmum · 04/09/2019 16:29

I have been in a relationship now for some time and we are thinking of moving in together. Because I have children we are going to have to rent/buy a bigger house than we would if no children were involved. (He has no children, so currently has a small affordable home).
I was assuming that as we were basically becoming partners that we would just split things 50/50 in terms of rent/mortgage, bills, food and then spend out on things that come up as and when. He has alot of hobbies which cost money, for example, I have none.
But he is giving the impression that because of the children, he is not expecting to pay 50%, but less than that as they are not his children. I do totally get this, and do not want him to be burdoned with paying for them, but on the other hand he wants to live with me and I happen to come with dependant children.
The other issue is I receive money off my council tax, some housing benefit and tax credits because my wage is not very high. He earns around 3 times what I do. This benefit and tax credits keeps us afloat and when we live together I will lose that as his income will be taken into account, quite rightly.
I think this means that although he'll be contributing towards our family, by living together if he is not going into this 50/50 i'll be way worse off as I'll be losing the current help I have which is essential for us to pay bills. I am currently undergoing training through work which means that in a couple of years I will earn significantly more, but that is a couple of years away and I can't count on it until it actually happens, if you see what I mean.
Does anyone have any suggestions as to what I can do, or has been in this situation and what worked for them? Or what is actually fair in this type of scenario?
I don't want him to be financially responsible for my children, but on the other hand by becoming a family and living together I feel he should contribute accordingly instead of continuing to think he can fund his life like a single person would. Their father pays nothing at all.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 04/09/2019 16:51

I would live separately and stay independent, financially.

I can see his POV, but I'm on your side, really. You and your children will be much worse off if you live with him and, what's worse, you'll watch him swanning around with plenty of money. Don't do it.

MyCatHatesEverybody · 04/09/2019 16:52

I think it's reasonable for him to make up the shortfall of what you'd lose in tax credits etc by you living together - however I think anything beyond that he is not being unreasonable in not wanting to contribute extra.

MyCatHatesEverybody · 04/09/2019 16:54

Btw why will you need a bigger house if he moves in? Surely he'd be sharing a room with you?

Breathlessness · 04/09/2019 16:56

Someone who earns 3x what you do wants you to move in with him, thereby losing a chunk of your income (housing benefit, tax credits) and also wants you to pay more than 50% of the rent/mortgage and bills?

Finances are one of the things that couples argue most about. The fact that you’ve lived apart has meant you haven’t seen this side of him before. Your children will be worse off financially if you live with him.

Miniloso · 04/09/2019 16:57

How mean spirited of him. I would not want to live with someone who said this, especially as it’s your children he is unhappy about ‘financing’. If he can’t accept the ebb and flow of finances in a partnership then he should stay living on his own until you can afford to pay more.
I wonder how he would feel if he lost his job and you were then earning more but refused to help/subsidise him?!
It’s not a partnership. Your kids are not a bolt on.

doublesheesh · 04/09/2019 16:58

Why would you move in with someone and have LESS money

But everyone here is expecting HIM to do exactly this!

Original poster
coolestmum · 04/09/2019 16:58

I think its unanimous that I shouldn't move in! This is a situation where I need to make my head rule my heart and wait a little longer.
I've been single a long time and really liked the thought of being together everyday, so I was hoping for a miracle answer here.
We'll sit down and have a huge chat and I'll need to point out exactly what i'm expecting and tell him what I would lose financially and also be good to hear exactly what he is expecting. So far its just been talked about in an exciting, lets live together kind of why but no real plans put in place.

OP posts:
Ellisandra · 04/09/2019 16:58

I earn 4x what my second husband does.
His youngest child is at uni now, and we waited until that time to move in together.
Because of my income, his son doesn’t get the full student loan, so I top up the missing money. So it has cost me money to live with my husband. But that was my decision, and as the higher earner I felt that was more fair than him losing out subsiding his son, because of my income.

You may think it’s different because we made the commitment of marriage, so it’s my stepson that I’m giving money too (though we’ve lived together and don’t have that kind of relationship).

But think it’s fair to expect him to pick up the slack of your lost benefits, but beyond that I don’t think it’s fair that he has to pay for your children.

My advice is you need to get over this “impression” from him. My husband and I are cut from the same cloth - as soon as we talked about cohabiting, out came the calculators and we were explicit. You need to do that - work it out to the pound right at the “thinking about it” stage. If you can’t handle an explicit conversation, your relationship isn’t good enough to be moving in together anyway.

HollowTalk · 04/09/2019 17:00

But everyone here is expecting HIM to do exactly this!

Not exactly. She'll pay half the rent and half the bills, so he will save money.

IncrediblySadToo · 04/09/2019 17:01

I don’t think that a man who earns 3x what you do, but resents paying half of a slightly higher rent for a house big enough to fit you all in, is someone you should be moving in with frankly. If he resents renting a bigger house it’s all going to go arse up living together when your children come first and when they’re eating you out of house and home - I can see even the food shop becoming an issue.

I really don’t think it’ll work out if he’s already resenting his life changing into being part of a family , instead of being a childless man

If you do still move in together then the VERY least he can do is to top up the money you’ll lose by moving in with him.

Why can’t he just move jnto your house? At least then you know you can afford it & have security if things don’t work out and want him to move out

howyoulikemenow · 04/09/2019 17:03

I wouldn't be moving in with a man who sees my children as less than because they aren't his. I'd stay living apart to protect my own independence and my children.

Louloubelle78 · 04/09/2019 17:05

I was in the same position. However my partner took this board in the way we arrange our finances. Sounds like he'll have little sympathy for expensive months like back to school, Christmas etc.

AryaStarkWolf · 04/09/2019 17:05

I think its unanimous that I shouldn't move in! This is a situation where I need to make my head rule my heart and wait a little longer.

Absolutely this is a head decision because your kids are involved

DerelictWreck · 04/09/2019 17:06

But everyone here is expecting HIM to do exactly this!

Not exactly. She'll pay half the rent and half the bills, so he will save money.

Not if his rent and bills are more than living alone, because of bigger house and children.

I don't think it's as simple as not moving in together OP. You need to sit down and find a solution that works for all of you. If you're blending your lives this is going to need to happen over and over again, so you might as well start now and get it right.

He's well within his rights not to want to pay for your children, and you're well within your rights not the be substially worse off. Find the middle ground if you want to be with him.

Drabarni · 04/09/2019 17:08

Don't move in with someone who isn't your partner.
Your kids come first.
When you find someone willing to pool all money and share 50/50 then you become partners and move in together.

shearwater · 04/09/2019 17:09

It makes no sense practically or financially for either of you, it seems.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 04/09/2019 17:09

I do really love him and he does love me but the children will always come first. Remember it isn't him versus the kids. It is affordable versus you lose money and can't afford to pay for half of a bigger property.

It doesn't matter how much you love each other, if he, as is his right, doesn't want to pay into your family kitty, then you simply cannot afford to live togther. That isn't blackmail, it is finances!

Original poster
coolestmum · 04/09/2019 17:09

He can't really move in where I am now. Its already too small, we would definitely need to move somewhere a bit bigger, in terms of living space.

OP posts:
user87382294757 · 04/09/2019 17:11

If it went tits up you would also lose your tax credits and have to claim universal credit, but you know that I guess. Otherwise could stay on TC until 2023 or until your income improves.

OllyBJolly · 04/09/2019 17:14

I've been in this situation. I have two children, DH has none. I didn't feel it was right for DH to pay more than what was fair into the household. He paid one third of the costs into the pot, and I covered the rest and also exceptional items (clothes for DCs etc).

Caveat: I didn't qualify for benefits (outside of single person council tax) and the DC's DF did pay a small amount of maintenance. Also, DCs were teens.

TBH, I think you were unreasonable in assuming he would contribute half the costs. You should have pursued the XH for maintenance before now to ensure your DCs could be housed properly. It's a bit disingenuous to say "we" need a bigger house because of the children, when it is you who needs the bigger house. Is living apart an option for the meantime?

bobsyourauntie · 04/09/2019 17:14

This is the reality of split families sadly. If the children belonged to the man, then of course they provide for them, if they don't , then they don't always see that they should have to.

You need to sit down and write down everything that comes in and everything that goes out and present it to him and discuss it together so that you can agree on a fair payment.

My brother accepted his step children as his family and they have total joint finances and they just pay out whatever is required. My friend however, married a man who is happy to provide for her, but expects her to pay for everything for her children herself, including holidays, meals out etc. She lost tax credits and CB when he moved in.

I can see why your partner wouldn't want to pay for your children, but the fact that you are worse off with living together, means that there has to be some sort of compromise, or you sadly won't be able to afford to live with him.

TriciaH87 · 04/09/2019 17:15

Your absolutely correct. I lost all tax credits etc when moved in with dp. We have one child together one from my past relationship. We split the bills evenly. In fact he probably pays a bit more than me as he runs the car which we both use. If your partner is not going into this 50 50 tell him it's not financially doable for you and stay put. I suggest using tax credit calculator to see exactly how much you are going to loose before you decide and show him then come to an agreement on who pays what if you decide to go ahead.

Stripyhoglets · 04/09/2019 17:16

I wouldn't move in with someone who expected me to pay more than 50% when he earns 3 times what I do, and I'll be losing benefits as well.

Blue5238 · 04/09/2019 17:18

Why don't you work out:

  • how much you currently pay for food and bills, less how much you get in tax credits and child benefit etc that you would lose if moving in together; plus
  • how much he currently pays in food and bills

V

How much a joint place would cost, with presumably no tax credits etc.

As a starting point. Then if you split that 50:50, how much better or worse off would each of you be? Then discuss what split is fair, bearing in mind disparity in incomes and the fact you have kids.

I have kids. My partner does not. We don't live together now but if we do in future, whilst I don't think he should have to pay for my kids, I also think we need to take into account loss in child benefit etc.

siring1 · 04/09/2019 17:18

Why should he move in and have less money?