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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect more consideration because we are not rich

727 replies

Bluebelle1012 · 04/09/2019 11:04

DS 18 got taken to Italy by his friends family. We sent him with some money for food, parents said local town had loads of cheap bars, could buy food in town, shops, etc...

However, the town is actually an hours walk down a long hill. Room service ranges anywhere between 40-100 Euro. A Diet Coke is 10.

Breakfast is included, but all other food has to be paid for. DS rang me last night saying he wants to come home because he is ordering extra at breakfast to last as he can not afford lunch or dinner from the hotel. They haven’t been to town yet as the parents have booked activities every day

I have no money to give him as I’m broke! He’s going to town (walking) today when he finally has the free time to buy some pot noodles and stuff for the rest of the holiday.

AIBU to think that if a very, very wealthy family take a normal- lower/ middle class teenager to a hotel where it can easily cost £600 to feed yourself for the week should bear this in mind?

The mother made a barbed comment about when she went on holiday with friends it was reasonable to pay for yourself as “theyve already done a favour by inviting you.” Normally I’d agree, but surely they must recognise that there is NO way he can afford to eat every meal here? I just expected more consideration, even offering a chance to go into town would have done

It’s only a short holiday and he will manage on pot noodles.

AIBU?

OP posts:
lovemenorca · 04/09/2019 12:02

Op

Did the host family pay for accom and transfers and DS pay for flights? Who’s paid for activities?

MullinerSpec · 04/09/2019 12:03

He's 18 and should have money to spend of his own and not have to beg for parents for money. He hasn't even started uni yet, how will he manage. Holidays are expensive regardless and maybe he should have thought about working during his holidays instead before uni starts to save even more money, uni is expensive.

HennyPennyHorror · 04/09/2019 12:04

I would NEVER put an 18 year old in this position! When my DD and her mate were going to our local fair...they're only 12...the friend's Dad failed to turn up with her money (he'd told her he'd meet her in the village and never) they came home to me all dejected because the friend had no cash...I immediately gave her 20 quid. It's what any decent person would do!

I can't imagine letting a young guest pay for his own meals.

Original poster
Bluebelle1012 · 04/09/2019 12:05

Nowhere have I said he hasn’t said thank you or got them something Confused

I know he bought them some chocolates (lily o Brian ones so posh!) and said thank you when they picked him up but in regards to drinks or paying for a meal, then no he hasn’t done that as that goes back to the issue of they’ve only gone to the posh fancy restaurant and it would cost a bomb, and he has asked about wine they like but I don’t know if he has gone ahead and got one or not

OP posts:
DarkHumour · 04/09/2019 12:05

The comment that the parents don't like cheap gifts, suggests that your DS’s friend has a particular attitude towards money also. I imagine he may not be very understanding of your DS’s situation, which is exacerbating the issue.

I think the mention of cheap restaurants made it clear that there was no intention of the parents paying for your ds’s food. Also people’s understanding of what is cheap can vary massively. Do the parents definitely know there is an issue with funds at the moment?

When your DS returns, suggest that he buys a lovely thank you card and writes a thoughtful message inside and chalks the rest up to experience.

Mouldiwarp1 · 04/09/2019 12:05

We took DD’s bf on holiday with us last year. He offered us money for food. We declined, because (a) having him there made DD happy and kept her entertained and (b) we knew he didn’t earn much and we were the ones deciding where we were going to stay and where to eat. I know Op’s son is technically an adult, but he’s only 18 and obviously not working full time. I wouldn’t invite a young person on holiday with us without being prepared to fund them. If they were 25 with a full-time job I’d expect them to pay their own way, as I would my own child. The key for me would be treating them as I treated my own DC.

DarlingNikita · 04/09/2019 12:08

And practically everyone on this thread has said the OPs judgement was off, for any holiday.

The OP and her son made the judgement based on assurances from the people who they were led to believe knew what they were on about.

IMO 'practically everyone on this thread' (it's not that many, incidentally) is being twattish about it.

Original poster
Bluebelle1012 · 04/09/2019 12:08

I also feel like people are not seeing the point in that he has enough of his own money for “normal” priced bars and did save up the appropriate amount to bridge this gap between what I gave him, but in the absence of the normal bars they said were nearby, an 18 year old boy can not afford a fancy restaurant or room service every night

OP posts:
IsobelRae23 · 04/09/2019 12:10

Italy can be really expensive depending on where he is, £20 a day, can be gone on non alcoholic drinks before you even look at snacks and alcohol. Never mind 2 meals a day!

LaurieMarlow · 04/09/2019 12:10

IMO 'practically everyone on this thread' (it's not that many, incidentally) is being twattish about it

Hardly. Loads of ppl said it.

And most ppl would over estimate in the circs, not under as I said before. 20 quid a day isn’t much at all, even for a very average/cheap resort.

ConkerGame · 04/09/2019 12:10

OP lesson learned here. Don’t go on a holiday unless you can truly afford the whole thing (without relying on other people’s generosity).

I’ve had this problem a few times, with wealthier friends paying lots of money for me to go on holiday with them (usually by paying for the accommodation) but then expecting me to join them in lots of expensive activities when we are there. They think they’ve done me a favour by paying for the accommodation but the truth is I’d be just as happy going somewhere much cheaper that I can actually afford and not doing all the activities. So actually they’ve just put me in an awkward position and cost me money I would never have spent in the first place.

I’ve now learned my lesson and don’t go away with them as there are always surprise costs sprung on you when it’s too late or very awkward to back out.

pinkelephantsanddietcoke · 04/09/2019 12:11

I think the OP means that her son wouldn't mind using some of his savings on food if it was the cheap bars and restaurants the hosting family had mentioned before but grudges using his savings (or his mums or aunts money for that matter) on super expensive food. He's maybe just calling her to vent as it's very difficult being away with another family.
My son (15) went to Spain with a friend and his dad this summer. We made it very clear that we didn't have much money but he insisted saying it did him a favour as his son would have company. We gave him £300 towards the holiday and my son took £150 of his own money he saved from his paper round. I made sure he promised to buy some drinks or pay for lunch a couple of times which he said he offered but the dad wouldn't hear of it.
We were so grateful and bought him a voucher to say thanks.
I don't think you're being unreasonable. You made it clear in the beginning that he wouldn't be able to afford it if it was expensive.

Bluntness100 · 04/09/2019 12:11

Op. I suspect he's refused the money because you have to borrow to give him it.

I honestly don't know how you thought he could eat out at cheap bars and restaurants, have refreshments, and go out in the evening for twenty quid a day. Even doing it cheaply he'd need double that.

And to expect the parents to pay for him is really bad.

However on saying that there is no need for him to order 70 Euro steaks. That's beyond ludicrous, I'm beyond sure there were cheaper options. Are you sure the parents aren't subsidising him?

Longlongsummer · 04/09/2019 12:11

I know you are feeling bad for your son OP, but unfortunately he’s your son, and ultimately it’s you and him who are responsible. He can’t be learning that others more wealthy have to subsidize him, and he’s too young still to have understood that some places are expensive. Just don’t blame the host family, whilst they could have been more generous they already have given him a lovely holiday.

Wolfff · 04/09/2019 12:12

The family sound bloody rude in my opinion. It must be obvious that the DS cannot afford hotel meals, how can they just sit by and watch him starve!

My DD has been on holidays at friend’s villas etc. We have paid the airfare and parents supplied food at home or the kids paid their own way when they were out.

When they were younger my daughters had some rather rich friends whose parents always paid a lot for activities and knew we couldn’t reciprocate and were fine about it.

I think it’s a horrible situation to be in. If the Mum really said that, she sounds awful.

Bluntness100 · 04/09/2019 12:13

You made it clear in the beginning that he wouldn't be able to afford it if it was expensive

That's really hard ri understand your logic. Are you saying anything bout twenty quid a day for eating out for two meals, refreshments and entertainment is expensive? Even double that is arguably cheap.

EmeraldShamrock · 04/09/2019 12:13

Is there any chance you can borrow from your Dsis, he sounds like a nice chap I'd hate to think of him hungry isolated abroad.
It is a lesson learnt for you and us unless it is self catering or full board I wont allow my DC go with a pals parents.

LimitIsUp · 04/09/2019 12:14

"I wouldn’t invite a young person on holiday with us without being prepared to fund them. If they were 25 with a full-time job I’d expect them to pay their own way, as I would my own child. The key for me would be treating them as I treated my own DC."

Exactly my position

lovemenorca · 04/09/2019 12:14

OP

I can’t believe you’re not clarifying

  1. What you / Ds have paid for ie flights? Accom? Transfers? Activities?

And what the hosts have paid for

Beautiful3 · 04/09/2019 12:15

£20 is not enough per day. £ 50 would be just right. So you should have given him £ 350 for the week. Can you send more over? You should not have sent him, if you didn't have enough spending money.

Original poster
Bluebelle1012 · 04/09/2019 12:15

To make it clearer the money I gave him was never intended to be the only money, I always expected him to use some of his own

OP posts:
sorrythisusernameistaken · 04/09/2019 12:16

I wouldn't dream of asking someone to come away if I wasn't going to pay. YANBU

LaurieMarlow · 04/09/2019 12:16

I gave him was never intended to be the only money, I always expected him to use some of his own

But you also said he didn’t want to spend is savings because they were for uni.

Brefugee · 04/09/2019 12:18

so it seems the OP gave her son 120 quid and he provided some more. Seems reasonable.

In hindsight I'd probably have checked more on the location, and asked what the other parents' idea of "cheap" was but it's too late now.

I see 2 things though. First that OPs son isn't having a particularly great time as he probably assumed he and his friend would be doing more teenagery alone stuff (bars, clubs whatever). That is a horrible position to be in.

The second thing is: EUR 70 steak? Bloody hell, I earn enough money for a very comfortbable life and have occasionally treated my DC to a really posh expensive dinner like that. But when they're on their own or with friends they wouldn't dream of that. So... actually not sure.

agree with PP that everyone is being a bit unreasonable but that the other parents sound a bit … snobby? (don't like cheap stuff? what kind of comment is that?)

Tableclothing · 04/09/2019 12:19

I would say to your ds that if he spend 200 of his own money now he will a) have a much better time and b) still have been on the cheapest activity filled week long holiday in Italy that he will ever experience.

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